Chapter 2
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After clearing a decently sized space in the middle of the floor, Tom folded a blanket as a makeshift pillow, opened the door to the ensuite, ensuring that there was a clear path from the bed and as an afterthought, replicated a small glass of water. Glancing over at as he pulled off his shoes, he reflected on the momentous journey that had resulted in his former Captain becoming one of his closest friends. She had never given up on getting them home, believing in the near impossible. Her faith in him personally had set him back on the right path and he had come home from the Delta Quadrant with a wife, a daughter and as a far better person to boot; he owed her more than he could ever repay. He hoped that she wouldn't resent the intrusion because he was firm in his resolve that he wasn't going to abandon her, just as she'd never abandoned them.
He opened his Tricorder and directed it towards the bed. "Computer alert me if the life signs fluctuate outside five per cent of their current range."
He was awoken several hours later by the predictable, unpleasant, sound of vomiting. Yawning as he sat up, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the semi-darkness and retrieving the Hyprospray from his medkit. Stretching his stiff neck and shoulders, he pulled a sweater over his head and waited. After a decent amount of time, the repeating sound stopped and so he stood, ordering the computer to raise the lights and cautiously headed through the still open door into the bathroom. He wasn't sure if she would remember that he was here and didn't want to startle her so he kept his movements slow.
"Kathryn?"
She was crouched beside the toilet, back resting partially against the tiled wall, shoulders curled forward into an almost foetal position. Lifting her head from her hands, hard, bloodshot eyes met his.
"Get out Tom."
He had prepared for worse. "Of your bathroom or your apartment?"
Surprisingly, she didn't miss a beat. "Both. I don't remember inviting you over."
"Mmm, that would be true." Impressed by her fortitude considering her earlier blood alcohol levels, he sat across the doorway and purposefully crossed his legs.
Apparently deciding to change tactic and lowering her defences a shade, Kathryn sighed and swallowed before speaking again, one hand gingerly touching her temple.
"Tom, I'm serious. I neither need or want a babysitter."
He recrossed his legs. "Your mom called, she's worried about you."
At this, her eyes darkened dangerously and despite what he thought must be a horrendous headache, raised her voice a notch.
"Do I have to call security?"
He could see the anger in her eyes, her jaw set. He set his own face into what he hoped was an expression equal parts calm and concerned and leaned towards her a little, deciding to call her bluff.
"Call them if you like Kathryn. I'm not leaving."
She glared at him, keeping her eyes locked to his and then stood up slowly holding onto the basin for support.
"I'm going to ask you one more time Lieutenant Paris, to leave."
On reflex, he stood, resisting the urge to smile a little at her use of his rank, stepping backwards into the bedroom. In a gesture of concession, he raised both of his hands, palms outward.
"If it's space you want Kathryn, I'll head into the lounge."
"I'll walk you out the front door."
He was curious to see just how she was going to walk anywhere further given the handful of unsteady steps he had observed so far, but held onto that thought as she pursued him, using first the doorframe and then a set of drawers for support, until they came to stand face to face in the centre of the room.
He tried again. "I'm not going anywhere. Not until I'm sure you're..."
She cut in, a dangerous edge to her voice, eyes flashing. "Until you're sure that I'm what Tom? Chakotay is dead and there's nothing to do. You can't fix this, you can't come here with your platitudes and your goodwill; you're not even half the man he was."
He stood his ground, letting the words wash over him, a strange sadness filling his chest at her mention of Chakotay. "I know, but I intend to keep my promise."
"Why won't you leave me alone?"
She was close to yelling at him now and so used to her absolute control, it was distressing. His instinct was to reach and pull her towards him, but he didn't dare, instead using all of his self control to wait, arms remaining at his sides. She closed the small distance between them with another step, tears now falling freely down her checks.
"Just go Tom."
She was so angry and so very lost and standing there, millimetres apart, inhaling the same cruel air, he could glimpse the beginnings of the depth of her pain. With what little strength and conviction she had left, she pushed her palms repeatedly against his chest, futilely trying to force him back towards the door. Realising that she wouldn't get him to move, she dropped her chin and unable to watch any longer, he brought his arms up to encircle her and tightly entwined, they sank to the floor. Guiding her head to rest against his chest and concentrating on keeping them both upright, he ran his hands up and down the tops of her arms, murmuring soft words of comfort. She stopped fighting him then, the effects of her drinking becoming evident as she shivered uncontrollably, teeth chattering and then started to heave. He pulled the blanket around her as best he could and turned her head so that she could be sick on the floor. When she had finished, he wiped her mouth on the edge of the cloth and her head lolled against him in sheer exhaustion. Without the energy to cry further, she trembled silently and he stroked her hair, his tears falling onto the top of her head.
This he thought, was what it felt like to watch a heart break.
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When he could no longer feel his legs, Tom decided to give up on any hope of getting a sleeping Kathryn back onto her bed. Instead, largely using one arm, he shuffled backwards to lean against the wardrobe door and tried to support her as comfortably as he could. With his free hand he felt around on the floor for the hypospray, she didn't move as he injected her with the compound the Doctor had prepared; it would go some way to making her feel a little better, physically at least. Slowly, he looked around, Chakotay's folded clothes sat in a pile on a chair, his shoes at the foot of the bed and his favourite mug still on the bedside table. So much of him was still here and yet they needed to face the fact that he was gone.
He had no idea how.
At some point, he drifted into an uneasy slumber. The dawn light was threading its way through the cracks in the bedroom blinds before she moved with a soft moan. He released her gently and unwrapped the blanket as she struggled into a more independent position, clutching at her head. Cricking his neck, he pulled himself onto his knees before walking into the bathroom to retrieve the glass of water. Dropping down onto one knee, he placed it in her hands, watching as she drank thirstily, when she had finished, he gave her a few minutes before squeezing her shoulder gently.
"Do you think you could eat something? It will help with the headache."
She didn't reply, but allowed him to help her stand and to guide her to a chair. "How about a hot chocolate?"
It was a long shot, but she surprised him with the slightest of nods, remembering the glass on the floor of the lounge, he slipped on his boots, before heading to the replicator. He ordered two mugs of hot chocolate and carried them slowly back into the bedroom.
"You have a broom?"
She nodded, "in the kitchen."
"I'll be back in a bit."
He left her clutching the drink, but half way to the kitchen, thought better of it and turned back, just in time to see her shaking hands cause her to spill the drink over herself, the chair and the floor.
"Kathryn, are you scalded?"
She shook her head slightly. "No, it wasn't that hot. I'm... sorry Tom."
He rested one hand on her knee. "Don't be, I can get you another."
But for some reason, he didn't leave, instead crouching down alongside her. She didn't meet his gaze, looking past him vacantly at the floor, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Not about that, about last night."
He placed his hand deliberately over hers, interlacing their fingers. "There's no need Kathryn. I'm sorry that I couldn't do what you asked."
Silently, she continued to study the floor and he reached behind her and passed her some pants and a sweater that were slung over the back of the chair.
"I'll give you a moment?"
"Please."
.
While she changed, he swept up and recycled the glass before opening the blinds some and picking up the cushions. He was just replacing the broom in the cupboard when she wandered out.
"Be careful, there might still be glass on the floor."
He saw her lift her shoulders into a small shrug as she continued, barefoot towards the couch. He took over the replacement hot chocolate, pouring it into a larger mug and set it down on the coffee table.
"Are you feeling nauseous? I can give you something to help. You really should try and keep something down."
She grimaced slightly before bringing her hand to massage her temple, he held up the hypospray and after considering for a moment, she inclined her head. Taking this as his permission, he gently pressed it against her neck. They sat at either end of the couch and sipped the hot chocolate slowly until she broke the silence.
"Last night, you said you were keeping your promise. Who to?"
He struggled to keep his voice even. "Would you believe me if I told you it was Chakotay?"
She closed her eyes, her voice an almost inaudible whisper.
"I would."
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As she had kept the hot chocolate down, Tom decided to move on to breakfast and headed into the kitchen for coffee and toast. He returned to find Kathryn pouring a generous measure of Whiskey into a glass.
"Hair of the dog?"
He shook his head. "Do me a favour?"
By way of a reply, silently she arched an eyebrow.
"Before you have that, can you record a message for me?"
She set the glass back down on the coffee table deliberately, but he saw her curiosity.
"Lieutenant Harris, deputy head of accommodation security. There were two Officers here yesterday when I arrived and I had some trouble convincing them that you were alright. They wanted to come in, but I managed to convince them not to in exchange for this."
He handed her a PADD. "Audio only should do I think."
She read and then repeated the brief statement he had prepared slowly, her voice entirely sad and flat. As he took the PADD back, he passed her the coffee and a slice of toast. Unenthusiastically, she took the plate before her eyebrows furrowed slightly and he knew what she was going to ask as she tilted her head.
"If security didn't give you the master code, just how did you get in here?"
"Chakotay gave me his codes. He knew that you might not let me in."
She looked past him out of the window. "Just what else did Chakotay give you?"
He paused. "What he thought I needed, I guess."
"To keep your promise?"
He nodded and not wanting to think about Chakotay right now, walked away from her, calling over his shoulder.
"Can I use your guest bathroom?"
He didn't hear her reply, but headed there anyway and took a long, hot shower before changing into some jeans and a t-shirt. Finding a mop in the corner of the bathroom, he cleaned up the master bedroom, straightening the bed and opening the blinds. On his return to the lounge Kathryn was still nursing the Whiskey and he waved the PADD in her eye line,
"I'm going to drop this over to the security office, I'll be back in a while."
She acknowledged with the smallest movement of her head and he left, feeling every bit as though he'd been dismissed.
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The walk was just what he needed. The early morning air was cool and crisp and lifted his spirits as he crossed the grounds to the accommodation office located in the far corner of the compound. A group of young Ensigns, in immaculate uniform, hurried past him, presumably terrified of being late for the Alpha Shift. The duty officer looked surprised to see him at such an hour, but promised to pass the PADD directly to the Lieutenant as soon as he arrived. Leaving the office, he strolled back to the apartment leisurely, choosing the scenic route and enjoying the sight of the blue sky and the sound of the birds, the bright light provided a contrast to his dull mood and he wondered if it would help to try and persuade Kathryn to leave the gloom of the apartment. Reaching their door, he entered Chakotay's access code, but nothing happened and he tried twice more before realising that she had locked him out.
"Dammit Kathryn," he muttered under his breath. Chakotay had been eerily accurate about things so far and he wondered a little sadly just how long it would be before she accepted his presence, it was clear they were not at that point yet.
"Computer security override authorisation Paris alpha 24673."
The door opened obediently and he smiled to one of Kathryn's neighbours as she passed him along the corridor. As the door closed, he noticed that the lounge was empty and the Whiskey bottle missing, the toast remained untouched on the low table. He hesitated, but decided to head into the master bedroom, the door was ajar and he found her sitting with her back against the foot of the bed, hugging her knees to her chest. He sat down, keeping a respectful distance; when she turned to look at him it was with eyes that were red raw.
"He gave you his security override too?"
He nodded, silently thanking his lucky stars. When she next spoke her tone was laced with an unfamiliar bitterness. "I suppose he also told you to confiscate all the Whiskey?"
Meeting the challenge head on, he held her gaze. "No. Just to make sure that you weren't drinking alone."
With a shake of her head, she proffered the bottle and for courage he took a small swig. "I miss my friend Kathryn and I can't imagine what you're going through. But Chakotay did, he asked me to stay with you and I made him a promise that I would, that I would do my very best to get you through."
"And if I don't want to get through?"
Unsure if she expected an answer and highly unsettled by the question, he didn't reply, instead choosing to follow his instincts he risked closing the distance between them to put his arm around her shoulders. He felt like he had been doing that a lot lately, holding on to keep her close, to try and stop her from falling further. They sat together, buried in an unhappy silence until her regular, deeper breathing told him that she had fallen asleep and he gathered her into his arms and lifted her back up onto the bed.
.
Heading into the lounge, he sat at the console and called B'Elanna. The sight of her face on the screen brought a surge of emotion and he realised just how much he was missing her.
"How are things there Tom? You look tired."
"I didn't sleep very well." He ran his hands through his hair. "She's devastated B'Elanna. I... I never thought I'd see her like this. I don't know if she's going to come through."
B'Elanna's brow creased with concern. "I'm so sorry Tom. We knew losing him would hit her hard, has she eaten anything?"
He sighed. "She's drinking, but not really eating and she tried to lock me out of the apartment this morning, she's not taken me being here very well."
He saw the deep sadness in his wife's eyes, but when she spoke her voice was steady. "It's like Chakotay said Tom, she's trying hard to push you away. Stay with her, she needs you even if she doesn't know it. I know you, you're not a quitter Paris."
He smiled at her, feeling a little better. "Thanks, I'll call you later?" She nodded.
His next call was to Gretchen. He filled her in as best he could and assured her that he wasn't going anywhere, despite Kathryn's best attempts. She raised the subject of the Memorial Service.
"A representative from Starfleet wants to meet with her tomorrow, do you think she'll be ready?"
He hesitated. "I don't know Gretchen, I'm just going hour by hour at the moment, I'll see how she is this afternoon and call you later?"
She agreed and as he ended the call, was surprised to see an incoming call from his father. As his concerned face appeared on the screen, Tom realised that he was glad to see him. They had grown close again since their return and he felt in need of his counsel.
"Tom, it's good to see you. How is Kathryn holding up?"
He shrugged his shoulders involuntarily, feeling his smile fade. "She's in a bad way."
His father's face fell. "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm on my way back to Earth. It will take me another twelve hours, but I've booked on the next transport and then I'll be there to do anything I can."
Tom smiled. "Thanks dad."
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Kathryn woke on the bed, alone, her face turned towards Chakotay's pillow.
His empty pillow.
The awful realisation that he was gone and that she would never wake to see his warm brown eyes gazing into hers hit her again, causing a pain in her chest that felt as if it were burning directly through her heart. Not wanting to look at the space any longer, she sat up quickly and crossed the room to escape. She stopped as she neared the door realising that she didn't know where to go, everywhere she looked she was reminded of him of their life together.
She began to feel increasingly nauseated. Something she had recently become accustomed to, but as she came to understand that she wasn't actually going to vomit, intense waves of the sensation seemed to peak and then fall as she tried to breathe through the repeating urge to heave. She felt hot and then broke out into a cold sweat and things began to swim strangely in her vision. It was as if the world had increased the speed of rotations on its axis, the floor underneath her feet moving even as she stood still. Feeling for the edge of the drawers, she held on tightly, allowing it to take the majority of her weight.
The feelings worsened and she struggled to rationalise them, knowing that she wasn't currently drunk. Despite herself, she began to feel alarmed, her vision clouded by strange spots and her knees locked, meaning that she couldn't even lower herself to the floor, not that she was sure that it would help. She wished for the thousandth time that Chakotay was here, he'd take her in his arms and hold her until she felt better. But now she was alone. The pounding of her heart increased and unsure of what to do, she simply held on, praying that she would pass out quickly until a noise from the kitchen startled her and suddenly she remembered Tom.
Kathryn had slept for several hours and Tom had taken a short nap himself and ordered some fresh provisions. He was just heating some soup for lunch when he thought he heard a sound from the bedroom. He stopped what he was doing and walked into the lounge, turning his head towards the corridor and straining his ears. He was surprised to hear Kathryn call his name and detecting a note of urgency in her voice, he walked quickly into the bedroom to find her leaning heavily against the chest of drawers, her face pale and horribly clammy.
"Kathryn, what's wrong?"
Instinctively, he stepped closer watching as she attempted to formulate a coherent answer.
"I can't see properly... I'm nauseous and... so... dizzy."
Swaying slightly, she moved a shaky hand from the drawers to find his and wrapping an arm around her waist, he pulled her into his shoulder as her knees buckled and eyes rolling backwards, she came close to fainting.
"Take it easy Kathryn, I've got you."
Her entire body went limp, although she didn't quite lose consciousness and he carried her into the lounge and lay her on the couch, reaching for his Tricorder.
"It's your blood sugar level - it's extremely low, but you're going to be okay. I'm going to give you something to help and then you really need to start eating."
Another hypospray administered, he sat on the floor, not wanting to leave until the worst of it passed. Once the shaking and sweating had passed, he helped her to sit upright before he bought her a mug of the soup. She took it without protest and he watched while she finished it and two slices of bread. Relieved, almost immediately the colour returned to her cheeks and her hands steadied.
"Starfleet wants to meet with you tomorrow, do you think you can face it?"
She cradled the mug in her hands and looked at him, her expression almost affectionate, with no trace of the hostility he had so recently become accustomed to.
"Is it about the Memorial?" He nodded.
"I need to. Can you ask my mom and Phoebe to meet us there too?"
"Of course." And as he cleared away the dishes, he felt vaguely hopeful for the first time.
