Thanks for the reviews constructive criticism always welcomed. Don't worry this is going somewhere and will be a Chuck and Blair Fic but just need to build in some background before can get on with the juicy stuff. Gossip girl might even make an appearence when I have gotten the Angst out of the way :)
xoxo
Chuck stepped backwards into the Alley opposite the church for a moment he thought she had seen him; her big brown eyes so full of unshed tears seemed to settle on him for a moment cutting through his soul. He had come to close, taken too much of a risk he should had stayed away, away from the Funeral, away from New York, away from Blair, but all there drew him in.
Nate was his best friend in the world one of the few people he cared about more than he cared about himself not that he would ever admit that to anyone. And now he was dead, he looked at the scenes unfolding outside of the church, the colours seemed muted, like he was watching an old home movie, like the ones of he and Nate skating in the park or tearing through the beach in the Hampton's like a pair of Tasmanian devils.
Everything felt muted now he was gone, at first the doctors said he was in shock, he had been through a lot, they had almost pronounced him dead, he was blue, cold, not breathing, they had stopped hoping he would pull through, it was only in the shocked silence following Nate's death that someone heard the faintest heartbeat on his monitor, it was almost as if they were in a tug of war only one of them could survive and fate had decided to take the blonde boy with the bright blue eyes and give the brown eyed boy a second chance at life.
It was nothing new Chuck had always owed Nate his life, not just because he died and chuck had survived, not because Nate had dragged his body onto the rocks before going back into the water to try to rescue the rest of the crew but because in the short 25 years that he was alive Nate showed Chuck how to be a human being. Showed him that perfection was an aspiration not a requirement; that he could love and be loved without condition or compensation.
Chuck knew he shouldn't still be alive not when Nate was dead, he knew that everyone even his own father would have preferred to see Nate walk out of that Hospital, Nate was a perfect husband, son and friend. He would have led a life full of love and devotion. Chuck, despite Nate's best efforts, was still Chuck; he led a life of excess, of desire and temptation. He stood on the outside of his family, of his friends looking in ever unsure whether to take a step into the circle to embrace the love that awaited him or turn his back on it and avoid the rejection that could break his heart.
Now that Nate was dead he didn't have any choice, his family looked at him like he was made of glass, and his dad accommodating his every need apart from his need for a father to comfort him to tell him everything would be alright that it wasn't his fault. Serena his "sister" barely concealed how unjust she felt it that Chuck was alive and Nate dead, she moved into Blair's Apartment almost immediately, and the few times she had come to the family home to visit Lily or Eric, her tear stained eyes just looked straight through him. Everything they had worked on for the past 7 years was erased, he was no longer the brother she could turn to who she loved, and he was Chuck Bass, heinous, evil Chuck bass.
Chuck turned away from the church, no one would notice that he wasn't there; if they did they would probably put it down to his selfishness. Some would think it best that he stay away. That he had caused the Archibalds, Blair Archibald enough pain.
For a moment, on his way from the hospital back to the Bass-Van Der Woodsen suite, he thought that maybe people wouldn't blame him, that a freak storm, that Nate dying trying to save the life of a 50 year old mariner would not have anything to do with him. The moment
he walked into the room and Serena walked straight out of it he knew it wasn't to be. He had developed a knack of taking the blame for things that he couldn't control very young. He remembered being 4 or 5 his father had just walked out of the house slamming the door behind him he remembered his mother calling him down from his bedroom she was drunk and slurring her words "Chaaaarles, Chaaarles you little troublemaker come down here." She would shriek he would stand in front of her, head bowed looking at the floor and she would tell him all the things he was doing wrong how he was making his father not love them. That if Charles didn't change Bart would leave them both. Sometimes she would punctuate her words with hits from her hand, a belt, a poker whatever was handy.
But since then he had managed to add a fair few things that he was responsible for to the list of things that society blamed him for. A fair few things that even he was ashamed one of them was hurting Blair and ever since he had done it he had promised himself that he would stay away keep his distance.
When Nate told him that they were back together that they were for real, he stepped away from the plate and he and Blair were civil for Nate's sake. For the most part it went back to how it was pre-Victrola on the surface, but as much as they got on for Nate going on group holidays together and hanging out but if you looked into their eyes you would see that part of Blair hated Chuck and part of Chuck would always love Blair.
