Author's note: short update, I'll probably put out another one later today. Enjoy!


Of course Sirius had no intention of speaking with Remus Lupin. But it looked good, did it not? Padfoot rushing off to tell dear Moony something important.

As if they were talking anymore.

But fuck, who cares if it looks good or not? Did it even matter, really? It didn't feel okay. At the end of the day, when he turned off the lights and closed his eyes- did it make a difference if he was happy or not? Not everyone has to enjoy their pointless lives, he reasoned. I'm going to die someday. It won't matter then... and it doesn't matter now.

But the thing was, Sirius Black couldn't shut off the lights and retire when the stars shone and the sky became dark. He couldn't sleep at night, not ever. He spent the entire night with his eyes shut tight and his mind running wild. These were the times he thought the most; these were the times he hurt the most.

He tried sleeping potions, and for a while, they worked. He'd get three or four hours. Not waking up rested wasn't really a problem- it was okay. The hours that he wasn't awake in bed for were the best. It was like an escape.

But that was when the nightmares started. It seemed the potions were having a negative effect on his brain. They forced his distressed brain to shut down, but it couldn't, not really. He woke up drenched in sweat, breathing hard. Sometimes he yelled, screamed, or even cried.

And he couldn't have that. It's not as though Sirius really remembered the dreams. There were no vivid, painful images imprinted in his mind. The sleep didn't feel good, it just felt better than the hours he had spent wide awake...

He just didn't want anybody to know. Of course something is very wrong when a sixteen year old boy is crying and panicking in his sleep. Not only was he deathly afraid of looking or feeling vulnerable and pathetic in front of the kids his age, but that wasn't quite it. It's not as if he'd never been embarrassed or ashamed before.

He just couldn't bear to burden his friends.

That sounds quite altruistic, does it not? Sirius couldn't interpret it that way. Since when had he been selfless? Since when had he put others first? He just figured he didn't want to burden them, as it could lead to the loss of his best friends. Egoistic Sirius didn't want to be abandoned.

Sirius Black couldn't cope alone. Well... he was alone, but having to come to terms with the fact that nobody was there would be too much. Black thrived on denial. He ate and breathed it every day.

"Sirius," came a voice from the other side of the room, breaking his train of thought. And it was the wrong one, the last one he wanted to hear. The voice said his name with tedium, as if it had repeated it umpteen times. It probably had. Sirius was out of it; he was lost in thought and pitying himself. "...Padfoot?"

"Oh. Hey, Lupin," said Sirius after facing the boy. Pathetic. He couldn't even say his name anymore.

"I- well, James said you were looking for me. Dunno, really, I told him it wasn't likely. You weren't, were you?" said Remus. He didn't look well, but he looked like he always did. Not worse than Sirius... actually, maybe worse than Sirius, just not worse than Sirius felt. A full moon approaching? Probably. There was always a full moon, wasn't there?

"Nah... I wasn't, Moony," he said. He couldn't tell him it was an excuse to escape his friends. He couldn't even look him in the eye.

"Mate, you've got to talk to us. I know you're pissed off all the time, but isolating yourself hasn't helped, has it? James has noticed, you know."

"You know what? I fucking do know. You don't fucking get it. Really, you don't. And in not knowing how I feel you can pretend shit's okay. It isn't. You're wrong," Sirius said. He could have sounded threatening with such harsh words... but he didn't. His voice was sick and tired, just like him. "Can't you leave me alone? I can't even look at you. James and Pete don't know me at all. You don't know me at all. And, quite frankly, I don't want you to."

"Sirius," said Remus. His eyes were pleading, but Sirius couldn't see. He wasn't looking. "You're going to fuck yourself over. Self-fulfilling prophecy. You already know how goddamn sorry I am about everything. You're telling me you're misunderstood, and you're telling me you're okay with that. You're not okay." And he turned away. He left, and Sirius watched.

He felt guilty immediately of course. He always did.