Mock Effect 3

Chapter 2: Get Your A** To Mars!

INT: NORMANDY 2.0: SHUTTLE DECK

(JANE & JOHN SHEPARD are on the NORMANDY 2.0 having left Earth in the midst of a Reaper attack. Accompanied by JAMES VEGA, CARTH [formerly Kaidan] ALENKO, & ASHLEY WILLIAMS. No one is having much fun. They have been ordered to go to an archive on Mars to investigate the possibility of a weapon they can use against the Reapers.)

ASHLEY: Why Mars?

JANE: Beats me. But at the moment my options are die a miserable death at the hands … er, tentacles of giant metal shrimp, waste my time pleading with the three stooges to send help so they can die at the tentacles of giant metal shrimp, or investigate the one possibility of rescue we have so as few people as possible die at the tentacles of giant metal shrimp.

JOHN: It's also the only way to keep the story moving. "Mass Effect 3: The one where everybody dies" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

JAMES: So who's driving?

JOHN: ME!

JANE: No way!

JOHN: Come on, you never let me have any fun!

JANE: Not happening. I like my lungs free from puncture thanks. Driving what, exactly?

JAMES: (Gestures behind them to large blue shuttle) I call it the "Bat."

JANE: Seriously. Like that ancient movie wasn't corny enough? I haven't the foggiest idea how to drive this thing.

JOHN: (Grumbling) Anything really. (Jane's diss sinks in) Hey, the gravelly voice is still awesome!

JANE: So's this one. (Deep echoey british voice) When I am ashes, then you will have my permission to drive. (Normal voice) So which of you can drive it?

CARTH: I can't, Shepard.

ASHLEY: Not my thing. Sorry.

JAMES: Looks like it's me then. Does it have airbags?

(They board the shuttle and JOKER & EDI brief them as they approach.)

INT: SHUTTLE: MARS ATMOSPHERE

JOKER: I'm hailing the station, but I'm not getting any response. Could be trouble.

JANE: Or it could be that they have sensibly turned off communications and played dead when monsters started tearing the heart out of Earth…

JOKER: Excuuuse me for trying to build up the tension.

EDI: No Reaper activity, but there is a major storm that will disrupt communications at a point beneficial to the plot.

EXT: MARS: BACK END OF ARCHIVES PARKING LOT

JAMES: That storm is looking serious.

JOHN: That storm is not my problem.

CARTH: Why is there a dead body over here?

ASHLEY: Reapers?

CARTH: If it was Reapers, we wouldn't still be here.

ASHLEY: Fair enough.

(They walk towards the archives, but duck and cover when they hear shots. Peeking around some convenient boxes, they see soldiers executing prisoners.)

JAMES: They're executing them!

JOHN: CHARGE!

(Before anyone can tell what's going on, they are standing in front of the Archives entrance surrounded by the bodies of troopers with emblems of Cerberus on their shoulders.)

JANE: What on earth is going on here?

ASHLEY: Why don't you tell us?

JANE: Excuse me?

ASHLEY: You worked with Cerberus. They rebuilt you & John from scratch! They gave you a ship, and a crew, and a…

JOHN: … fricking suicide mission. Oh boy, I love Cerberus. Not! I like wiping out an alien civilization as much as the next guy, but expecting me to die to save money on the return trip? Not happening.

CARTH: But from the dead?

JANE: I was dead. I didn't have much to say about it.

JOHN: Yeah, I turned them down, but they revived me anyway. Those jerks!

CARTH: You didn't know anything about this?

JANE: You mean in-between the house arrest and this moron's escape attempts?

JAMES: Neither of them has been in contact with Cerberus since they returned to Earth.

ASHLEY: And you would know how?

JANE: Because he's been following us nonstop since Copernicus here (points to JOHN) thought bungee cords were the perfect way out. And because he's been watching me, instead of being off gallivanting around the Galaxy and never bothering to tell me he's been promoted or even wasting his breath to say "thank you" for saving his life on Horizon!

JOHN: Yeah! (To JANE) Wait, huh?

JANE: And while we're on the subject of people changing, what happened to you, Williams? Long hair? And is that a boob job? I thought you had more self-respect!

ASHLEY: (Flips hair) I like my hair. And I just look good in this armor.

JOHN: (Scrutinizing) You DID get a boob job! Oh, I've missed so much…

(CARTH has the brains to look sheepish and ASHLEY backs away guiltily. When the elevator reaches the second floor, they hear loud clanging noises. A voice is heard in the vents)

VOICE: Just do a little research, Liara. It'll be fun, Liara. No one mentioned the people SHOOTING at me!

(The clanging continues as Cerberus troopers in the vents with her keep firing. Finally, she finds an opening and kicks it open. Escaping its confines and getting a safe distance away, she creates a biotic singularity that sucks the troopers out of the vents and incapacitates them. Then she executes them with brutal finality. The Shepards cautiously approach from behind)

JANE: Liara!

JOHN: Tentacle head!

LIARA: Shepard? And Shepard? You're alive? And you're here? (Pause) Why?

JANE: Well, it was the only option that made any sense. Though I expect that will fade shortly.

LIARA: I heard what is happening on Earth. I'm sorry. It's good to see you, though. And Carth & Ashley. It's been so long. Since Illium?

JANE: Well the author of our little parody didn't feel like writing about the mission to take over you-know-who's lair without getting the same compensation Bioware did. Greedy bastard.

LIARA: Thanks for sending me that e-mail telling me where to look though! I've made great progress.

JANE: Speaking of that, why are you here? I mean, I know I'm here to track you down, but the Admiral wasn't clear on why.

LIARA: I've discovered plans for a Prothean device. One that could wipe out the Reapers.

JOHN: Nice. Where is it?

LIARA: Oh it's not built yet. But I'm sure somebody will find the time in between fighting off the Reapers, collecting resources, and discussing things over tea with the Council. I'm so sorry I didn't come visit you, Shepard.

JOHN: I am too. I was so lonely for (ASHLEY glares at him) … platonic company up there.

JAMES: So what does this device do? How do we build it?

LIARA: Well, we need the plans from the Archives. But with these people shooting everyone who goes near a console, it might be difficult.

JOHN: That's because most scientists don't shoot back! Let's rock & roll people!

JANE: James, get back to the shuttle. I want a ticket off this planet in case everything goes south.

JAMES: But Commander!

JANE: No buts. Get going! (JAMES reluctantly takes the elevator downstairs)

LIARA: Actually, I thought he had a rather nice butt.

JANE: Not now, Liara!

(They deal with a small opposing force and find a way out and around to a security station. Naturally, their luck doesn't extend far enough to have a clear walkway to the goal point, but the developers have kindly included construction for our heroes to clamber over before they get to the cafeteria. Unfortunately a grisly scene awaits them there.)

LIARA: They're all dead.

ASHLEY: Someone let out all of the air.

CARTH: How horrible.

JOHN: (Flipping a body over) And none of them had their wallets!

(A flashlight shines amongst the tables, and they see a Cerberus force through the window. A moment later, both the window and the Cerberus force have been dealt with. LIARA runs over to a computer station.)

LIARA: I'll pressurize the room so we can get through the labs.

CARTH: This device recorded what happened.

JANE: Hit play.

(A video loads and we see a confused guard trying to contact security.)

GUARD: Hello? Hello! Hey, Frank! Quit monkeying around alright? I'll pay you next week. Scout's honor. Turn off the security protocols! (A tall attractive woman in a lab coat walks in) Dr. Core, we'll figure this out, just give us a minute.

(A minute is not given, as the woman fires a pistol into each of their helmets. She then deoxygenates the cafeteria, ending the response to the shots before it starts.)

CARTH: Oh my.

ASHLEY: Horrible.

LIARA: (Bursting into tears) What if this is all for nothing, Shepard? What if we're wasting our last hours chasing after some ridiculous pipe dream?

JOHN: So? I don't care if a dumb pipe dream. It's mine. And they may wipe me off the face of… Mars, or wherever the hell I am, but I'm damned if I'm going to sit and wait for it.

LIARA: I wish I had your confidence.

JANE: So do I. Right now all I'm fighting for is a logical plotline.

JOHN: Psh. We'll never get that.

(They follow the path to the labs, finally reaching the hallway into the tram station. For some reason, the Alliance decided the hallway into the tram station was the only place to install defensive weaponry throughout the entire archives. This requires a more delicate approach.)

JOHN: Goody, giant gun. You go first.

JANE: Whatever happened to all that confidence?

JOHN: Oh, I'm confident. Confident that there is a huge gun at the end of this hallway. I like a challenge as much as the next guy, but being turned into hamburger? I leave that to the little people.

ASHLEY: For pity's sake! (She charges down the hallway, hiding behind chest high bulletproof crates.)

CARTH: Well, that explains how Cerberus got in.

(They follow ASHLEY's path, then fight off a small squad of soldiers who were rather surprised that someone else used their method. LIARA sits at the computer but finds the controls locked out. The security cameras are still working and they witness a conversation)

DR. CORE: Set up a perimeter. No one comes across.

SOLDIER: No one? We still have teams over there.

DR. CORE: Did I say "Someone"? No. No one comes across. I have important work to do and I don't want to be interrupted.

SOLDIER: Fine. (Mutters something uncharitable)

DR. CORE: What was that? Nothing? I thought not. Now turn off those cameras! (Shoots the one in front of her)

JANE: (Back at the tram station) Charming lady. Can you override that block, Liara?

LIARA: We're on a different network, I can't access it.

CARTH: I have an idea.

JANE: What?

CARTH: If we can find a helmet to helmet transmitter… maybe we can talk them into sending a tram over.

JOHN: That lady sounded pretty definite. Sort of like Jane when she hasn't had any coffee.

JANE: Oh no... that's my "I've not had any coffee, it's 7 AM and you're trying to shatter the windows with opera music" voice.

JOHN: Like I said, scary. I wouldn't send one over.

(LIARA stays at the computer, whilst JANE, JOHN, CARTH & ASHLEY look around outside.)

ASHLEY: I found one. (Opens mask, then draws back) My god, he's a husk.

CARTH: What did Cerberus do to him?

JANE: That's awful. (At their questioning looks) Don't look at me! I don't know. I've been stuck under house arrest for 6 months.

CARTH: But how do we know it's not the Illusive Man controlling you?

ASHLEY: You could be puppets and not know.

JOHN: Would a puppet do this? (Obscene gesture)

ASHLEY: He could.

CARTH: He might be doing it without your knowledge.

JANE: Seriously? I expected better out of you two. I die for 2 years, and you are as suspicious as if I'd planned my own death. I. Don't. Like. Cerberus. What will it take to convince you?

ASHLEY: A third of the plotline of the game, plus some speech checks.

CARTH: We are potential love interests, so we have to have something dramatic.

JANE: (Rolling eyes) Of course. John, do the honors.

JOHN: Drippy eyes. Yech. (Reaches in and grabs transmitter) Hello? Is anyone on this channel? This is… Larry.

VOICE: Larry? Where the hell have you been?

JOHN: Uh… well… I needed to use the bathroom, and I couldn't find one, and then they turned the gun back on as I got to the hallway, and I needed to use the bathroom again… and now I'm here. Can you send a tram over? There aren't any survivors over here.

VOICE: Are you sure? Did you check the empty stalls? (Mocking laughter is heard)

JOHN: HEY! Not cool, man. Just send the tram!

VOICE: Can't. Got orders from her royal highness Pain-in-the-tuchus.

JOHN: Ok. Cool. I can handle that. Of course, that means I get to keep all these credit chits I found on the bodies to myself. Oh wow, this guy was loaded. (Signals JANE)

JANE: (Computer voice) Transferring to account. Would you like your account balance today?

JOHN: Yes, yes I would. How much do I have so far?

JANE: (Still imitating EDI) 12, 316 credits. Would you like to transfer your remaining chits into this account? Our sensors indicate that there at least 10 more in your possession.

VOICE: Fine. I'll send one over. But if the boss lady throws a fit, I'm handing you over on a silver platter.

JOHN: You couldn't afford one! But now I can. (Laughs mischievously)

VOICE: Yeah, yeah. Some guys have all the luck.

(They wait patiently for the tram to arrive. Larry's teammates aren't in much of a hurry, but the tram gets there.)

TEAMMATE 1: Hey, Larry?

TEAMMATE 2: Gorv sent us over here, said you had credit chits to share. Come on out!

TEAMMATE 1: I'll bet he went to the bathroom. I'll go find him.

TEAMMATE 2: I'll go turn off the big gun.

(As they walk away, the tram pulls away with our team on board.)

TEAMMATE 1: Hey! That's our tram!

TEAMMATE 2: Well this sucks. Good thing we stopped to set that bomb on the tracks.

TEAMMATE 1: That was only supposed to strand Larry, not us!

TEAMMATE 2: We should wave.

(Aboard the Tram)

JANE: That was easy.

JOHN: Too easy.

JANE: Why are you always like that? Can't we have a bit of good luck?

(Bomb on track explodes, stranding them)

JANE: No one say a word.

(In a demonstration that greed is more powerful than practicality, a second tram comes out to meet them, presumably to help "Larry" with his credit chits. Instead, JOHN jumps aboard and with the help of CARTH's biotics, dumps all the guards off the tram. Reboarding, they ride across to the archives station.)

INT: MARS: PROTHEAN ARCHIVES: LUNCHTIME

(The room appears empty, but JANE sends CARTH & ASHLEY to patrol it anyway. She, JOHN & LIARA approach the center of the archives to get to the bottom of this mysterious weapon. LIARA is barely through entering her password when voice speaks behind them. It's the familiar hologram of TIM [The Illusive Man])

TIM: I was wondering when you would show up.

JANE: Why?

TIM: Why what?

JANE: Why, when earth is under attack, are you, the defender of all humanity, busy killing humans to steal information that might save them! Oh wait, I forgot, you're willing to make "sacrifices" like the humanity of your own troopers!

TIM: I'm not sacrificing them, I'm improving them. I improved you, didn't I? (Points to JOHN) Him I can't take much credit for. All Lawson's idea.

JANE: Against my will, and I paid our debt by saving humanity from the Collectors.

JOHN: And the Terminator.

TIM: You've always been short-sighted, Shepard. You only want to destroy the Reapers, but how strong would humanity be if we controlled them?

JANE: You mean if you controlled them?

TIM: Well, yeah. Obviously. Who better?

JANE: We can't go on fighting each other! Work with me and we'll sort out what to with them after we have them defeated!

TIM: As clear-headed and possibly brilliant as your plan sounds, it'll interfere with the insignificant side missions that set up the maps for the multiplayer portion of this game. I shall regret the loss of you. You were a tool, an agent of…

JOHN: We're tools? You're a giant tool! We tried being nice. Now we're going to kick your blue butt! (JOHN fires into the hologram, smashing the emitter and dissolving the image) Jerk.

LIARA: Well that was gratifying. (Attempts to access data) Shepard, the data, it's gone! It's being erased!

JANE: What? How?

LIARA: Someone in this room is uploading it!

INT: MARS: PROTHEAN ARCHIVES: OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM: AT THE EXACT SAME TIME

(For lack of anything better to do, CARTH & ASHLEY are patrolling the room. At the moment LIARA discovers the data is being breached, they find a person working at an active console. The person is DR. EVA CORE, who reacts to their instructions to back away by sweeping a leg under Ashley and punching Carth in the stomach. She then proceeds to sabotage the console with a bladed omni-tool and book it out of the room. Everyone gives chase)

JANE: (Running) Follow her!

JOHN: (Flagging) I'm trying! This chick is fast!

LIARA: Come on, we can do it!

ASHLEY: Her shields won't go down!

CARTH: Must be plot proof. I just overloaded them enough to bring a big daddy up short!

(They follow across roofs and down ledges, through tunnels and up ladders, over the river and through the woods, until the DR CORE jumps into a waiting shuttle at the top of the archives. They try to shoot her down, but she's quickly out of range.)

EXT: MARS: ARCHIVES: NEARLY TO GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE

JANE: (In desperation) James! Joker! Anybody! Shoot down that shuttle!

JAMES: (Over radio) I'm on it!

(JAMES' shuttle comes speeding out of the sun and hits the enemy shuttle dead on. It crashes into the wall, bursting into flames. James' shuttle doesn't fare much better, but manages to land on the same roof. JANE runs up to it while JOHN and the others pick themselves up)

JANE: What the hell were you doing? I said shoot it down!

JAMES: I got it down didn't I? And the shuttle doesn't have guns!

JANE: Yes it does! Right there with the red button for the missile!

JAMES: Oops. The Normandy should be here soon to pick us up.

JANE: And how'd you get in contact with them? The storm was cutting off all communication!

JAMES: (Meekly) The storm ended?

(As this discussion is going on, CARTH & ASHLEY are hauling up a dazed LIARA and carrying her to the evac point. They are interrupted by a creaking sound and DR EVA CORE emerges from the wreckage of the shuttle. She's lost all her clothes and skin, but doesn't appear to be hurt. She appears to be entirely made of metal!)

JOHN: Shoot it!

(CARTH & ASHLEY make a good attempt, but are rushed by the machine, which grabs each of them by the throat and holds them up, blocking JOHN's shot. JANE & JAMES run up to help)

JOHN: Put them down!

DR CORE: (Into radio) Instructions?

(Apparently receiving some, she grasps her victims tighter and then smashes their heads together before smashing them into the crashed shuttle, severely wounding them. She then rushes towards JOHN who for once doesn't try to charge in headfirst, and instead [with Jane & James] fires rapidly into the Doctor's "body" until she falls at their feet, dead or at least dormant.)

JANE: Are they ok?

JAMES: Alenko seems pretty bad off.

LIARA: Ashley too.

JANE: Get them to the med bay. John, grab that thing. Maybe we can use it to track down Tim or something.

(The NORMANDY lands and they quickly get the wounded to the med bay. JANE orders LIARA to use EDI to try and find out if they can get anything from DR CORE / Machine. She & JOHN then head up to the radio room she's never seen to call ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS, only to be called first)

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Shepard! Did you get the data?

JANE: No. Because you failed to mention that Cerberus was en route to attack it! We have two people hurt badly!

JOHN: Not that we mind shooting our way out, but a little warning would be nice.

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: So does Cerberus have the data?

LIARA: (Interrupting) Actually, they only got a little. Edi and I were able to pull off most of it. It appears to be a large device of some kind. (Uses omni-tool to emit a picture)

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: Perfect. Forward me that data and then get to the Citadel!

JANE: We can do more damage if we help people on Earth!

JOHN: And shoot more Reapers!

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: You'd be throwing away your lives and ruin the whole plot of this story.

LIARA: We can't beat them conventionally!

JANE: Yes we can! Sovereign?

ADMIRAL BISHOPFROMALIENS: That took a third of our fleet and some incredibly lucky shots and it was just one reaper! You have to ask the Council for help, or we will simply be annihilated. Just talk to the Council.

LIARA: They'll see the seriousness of the situation and agree to help. I'm sure of it.

JANE: And I'm a three legged monkey. (Sighs) But we're out of options. We'll do it.

JOHN: Awesome! I just have one question.

LIARA: Yes?

JOHN: When do we eat?