Chapter 2

Sam and Matt continued to meet at the bar. Sam knew he should have moved on from this town already, tracking Lilith and getting strong enough to kill her. She deserved it after taking his brother away,but he couldn't seem to pull himself away from Matt. Something about Matt drew him in, maybe it was their shared plight of being the reason for their brothers' sacrifice.

Whatever it was, Sam wasn't ready to let go yet. Matt was the first person he felt any connection to since Dean was taken, and he needed the connection. Dean had always been the one to ground Sam before, his anchor in the world. Even when Sam had been at Stanford, Dean had been the reason Sam did everything. He needed an anchor or he'd lose himself,and that was what Matt was fast becoming.

Part of him felt guilty, but the other part of him knew he wasn't replacing Dean. No one could take Dean's place, especially not Matt.

One night after Sam told Ruby he wasn't leaving with her, he left with Matt. It hadn't been planned, but Sam decided to tell Matt everything. Well, not everything, Sam silently corrected himself. They'd have to talk for a month straight, at least, if that was the case,but Sam would tell Matt the important things. Matt had been so honest that Sam wanted to return the favor.

They sat on Matt's couch, close together, legs touching. Sam told Matt about growing up in a family of hunters, not wanting to be a hunter, and eventually escaping to Stanford.

Sam continued to tell Matt about Jess and being pulled back into hunting by her murder. He told Matt about the visions, Azazel, and the special children. He talked about all of the children and how a lot of them became unhinged and their dad telling Dean to either save Sam or kill him. How he was so afraid he was going to go darkside after seeing what the psychic powers did to some of the other kids. He talked about his own death and about not realizing he had died until he found out about Dean's deal.

He talked about the year leading up to Dean's deal coming due and Sam's desperation to find a loophole, to find a way to save his brother and Dean's adamant refusal to look, fearing Sam would be killed if he tried to wiggle out of the deal. Eyes haunted, he described watching Dean be killed by hellhounds and screaming himself hoarse when he realized his brother was truly gone and there was no bringing him back.

By the end, Sam was crying as Matt held him tightly. He didn't make any untrue platitudes. There was no, 'It'll get better. You'll see.' For that, Sam was grateful.

"I've been looking for a way to bring Dean back from Hell, been trying to make a deal, but no one wants to. They have Dean where they want him and they're not letting him go."

Matt continued to hug Sam silently, not reproaching him. Matt knew that if he himself had the chance, he would have done the same thing for his own brother. He had no room to pass judgment,and that was the last thing Sam needed right then anyways.

"Sam, Ruby's eyes…they flashed black. Is she a-"

"Yes," Sam interrupted.

"Sam-"

"I know it's stupid, Matt," Sam interrupted once again. "I know demons can't be trusted, but she's trying to help me get stronger so I can take down Lilith, the demon who held Dean's contract."

"So, it's all about revenge for you?"

Sam shook his head. "No, this demon is bad; I think she's one of the top dogs in the hierarchy. She's killing a lot of people."

Matt laughed, but there was no humor to it, just derision. "So, you're allying yourself to a demon to exorcise a demon."

"Kill, actually," Sam mumbled. Louder, "Ruby has a special knife that can kill demons. Also, she fixed the Colt, which is the only weapon in existence that can kill anything, demons included."

"I'm starting to see why you trust her," Matt said, but to Sam it sounded a bit mocking. "Why doesn't Dean like her?"

Sam ignored the slip of 'doesn't.' Knowing Matt, it probably wasn't even a slip. "She's a demon, so he didn't trust her. It was always pretty black and white to him."

Matt nodded. "What does she want you to do to get stronger to kill Lilith?" Matt's question was asked knowingly.

Sam averted his eyes. "Drink her blood. It will amplify my psychic powers, making me able to exorcise and kill demons with my mind."

"And you see absolutely nothing wrong with that? Really?"

"Matt, if it makes me strong enough to kill Lilith-"

"It's wrong," Matt stated flatly. "Have you consumed any blood yet?"

"No," Sam said.

"Good. Let's keep it that way. You have no idea what nasty side effects it might have, and of course a demon will keep the truth from you. Ruby is working you while you're most vulnerable. You're at your lowest point after losing Dean and she knows it. She knows if Dean was here, you'd never even consider it, especially when you feared becoming evil. Drinking demon blood is a surefire way to go dark, and deep down you know it. It's why you haven't given in yet."

"Lilith held Dean's contract. He's dead, and I want her to pay."

"I know you do." Matt's voice softened. "I get that you want her to pay for taking Dean away from you,and you have every right to want trusting Ruby is not the way to go about it. Think about Dean. How would he feel if he found out you drank a demon's blood on his behalf? It would devastate him. Don't tarnish your big brother's memory like that. Don't make his sacrifice be in vain."

Sam sniffed, tears rolling down his cheeks.

Matt pulled Sam into a hug. "Sam, Dean sacrificed his life because he loved you, and even if he's in Hell, he still loves you. Only very special kinds of love can inspire that kind of sacrifice. Don't let him down now. Don't disappoint him in the worst way possible."

Sam suddenly wrenched himself away from Matt's arms. He stormed out of the apartment, ignoring Matt's pleas for him to stop.


Sam sat alone in his motel, working through a six pack of beer.

He couldn't stop thinking about how much he had told Matt. He knew he had planned to be completely honest, but he still had planned to omit certain details, such as the psychic powers and Ruby pushing her blood on him. Still, faced with Matt's dark brown eyes, Sam found himself crumbling.

The only person he had ever been so honest with had been Dean. He felt like he betrayed Dean by trusting an outsider.

But Matt knew what it felt like to watch a loved one die. He knew what it felt like to feel guilt for that loved one's death.

He understood, and that was why Sam felt like he could be honest. Until he mentioned the demon blood and trusting Ruby, there had been no recrimination in Matt's eyes.

He thought about Ruby and Matt's response to what Sam said. He knew consuming demon blood was wrong. Matt was right; it was the reason he hadn't yet given in. He knew the demon blood may twist his insides, may turn him into something unrecognizable, but wouldn't it be worth it? Lilith would be dead, Dean avenged.

Sam's mind turned to Dean. He could just see Dean's disgusted face at the implication that Sam willingly tainted himself that way.

Then Sam admitted that Matt was right. He could not taint Dean's memory. After letting his brother down so often throughout their lives, he wasn't going to let his brother down this time, even if Dean wasn't alive to be aware of it.

He needed to apologize to Matt.


Matt was watching the door of the bar. He's he wasn't working tonight, but he wanted to be there in case Sam came in.

As soon as he saw Sam's familiar floppy hair, he was at the door. "So glad to see you," Matt breathed.

"Matt, I'm really sorry for the way I left. I've let Dean down so many times that I didn't want to face the truth that I was on the verge of doing it again."

"Sam, it's fine. I was afraid I pushed you too far and I lost a friend because of it."

Sam hesitantly wrapped his arms around Matt.

Matt liked the idea that for once he was hugging someone as tall as him and returned the hug, kissing Sam's forehead.

"I was thinking," Sam said as he pulled away, "Maybe you could tell me about your brother?"

Matt wanted to say no, but after all of Sam's revelations, he just couldn't.

They went back to Matt's apartment and their positions on the couch were a mirror of the night before. Instead of Sam's head resting on Matt's shoulder, it was Matt's head that rested on Sam's shoulder.

"My brother's name is…was Justin. He was three years older than me. He started hunting after his fiancée was killed by a, what did he call it again? Um, I think it was a whandingo?"

Sam shook his head. "You mean wendigo."

Matt nodded. "That must have been it. When he learned more and more about the creepy crawly stuff and how much of it was actually out there, he told me the truth. He wanted me to be able to protect myself if I was ever attacked. He told me all about salt and taught me how to create a devil's trap—basic things to protect myself."

Sam nodded, waiting patiently.

"I tried to join Justin in hunting, not wanting him to do it by himself, but he refused. He told me point blank that he would not have me risk my life in that way. To appease me, and I know it was only to appease me, he started partnering with another hunter. And I was appeased;he had someone watching his back, and that was all that I wanted."

Matt pulled Sam closer, craving the comfort coming from the contact. "A demon began to wreak havoc in the city I lived in at the time. Justin always tried to be careful, keeping our relationship a secret, but somehow the demon had discovered my relationship to a hunter. I had recognized the signs of a demon already and had called Justin, but the demon still came after me, never once stepping in one of the covered devil's traps. They are useless,if the demon is smart enough to avoid them."

Sam hugged Matt. "You can stop, if you want."

Matt shook his head, feeling like he had to get this out. "The demon wanted to play with me first,which turned out to be its mistake. It gave Justin time to find me. Justin and the demon fought. I tried to run so Justin wouldn't be forced to keep one eye on me, but all that did was draw the demon's attention to me. It started to use a power where it felt like it was squeezing the air out of my lungs just by thinking about it."

Sam nodded. "That's been used against me before, too. Very unpleasant feeling."

Matt nodded, agreeing with Sam's assessment. "Justin reacted without thinking, trying to physically kill the demon, which up until recently, I thought was physically impossible. Justin was killed before my eyes. Alyssa, Justin's hunting partner,was eventually able to exorcise the demon, but not without first receiving a broken arm and fractured collarbone. I myself got a couple of broken ribs and a broken cheek bone."

"What did you do afterwards?"

Matt swallowed, remembering that period of his life. "I wanted to hunt. Most people start hunting because they've lost loved ones to the supernatural."

Sam smiled sadly. "My family lost our mom. I lost Jess. My surrogate father Bobby, who I should really call by the way, lost his wife. A psychotic hunter lost his sister. Most people wouldn't choose the hunting life if they hadn't already lost loved ones."

Matt smiled sadly. "I begged Alyssa to train me, but she refused. I knew she had fallen a little in love with Justin,and she knew Justin didn't want me hunting. After thinking about it, I knew his dying wish would have been for me to not hunt, to not go for vengeance. Since I couldn't do the hands on hunting thing, I decided to get to know other hunters and aid them in any way possible. I moved away, not being able to stay in the city, let alone state, where my brother was killed,and I started to help hunters by researching. It's not much, but with an extra pair of eyes, it saved time and possibly saved lives."

"Research is a thankless job. Out of me and Dean, I usually did the majority of the research. According to him, since I went to Stanford, I should put all of that practice to good use." Sam rolled his eyes.

Matt smiled sadly. "Yeah, research definitely isn't the glamorous part of hunting, but it's still important. Hunters can't kill things if they don't know what they are."

"Walking away from the idea of hunting must have been difficult."

"It was,but, Sam, I knew it was what Justin would have wanted. Which is why I did it."

They were silent for a while, enjoying the companionship.

Matt tilted Sam's head up with a light finger to the chin. "You need to surround yourself with friends, real friends. That will help you with the grief. Trust me."

"Don't have many," Sam murmured.

It sounded so sad that Matt felt his heart break just a little. "You have me."


A couple of nights later, Sam broke into Matt's apartment and just sat in the dark, waiting. After Matt came in and turned on the light, he jumped at seeing Sam's still form.

"Did you pick the lock on my door?"

"Of course," Sam replied. "All hunters know how to."

"Doesn't make it right," Matt said flatly.

"I need help," Sam said in a plaintive voice.

Matt's expression turned from one of exasperation to worry. "What happened?"

"Ruby's putting more and more pressure on me. I know it's wrong,and I truly don't want to do it any longer. It's like she knows she's losing her hold over me,so she's doubling her efforts."

"It's because of me. You are no longer relying on her since you have another person to talk to. She wants you to trust her and only her. With me in the picture, you're no longer as vulnerable to her manipulations."

Sam nodded. "I know. I'm not as weak-minded,but still, I'm scared I'm going to give in to her. I still want to kill Lilith so bad, and I know Ruby has a way. Whether it's her blood or her knife, I'd be able to kill Lilith and it would be permanent, and I want that. I need Lilith to pay." Sam's voice was so desperate, so resolute.

"Think about what Dean would want for you,Sam. That's what I was forced to do after Justin's death. Even if it goes against every fiber in your being, think about Dean and his desires for his little brother."

"I know," Sam murmured, "But what if I'm not strong enough to keep resisting?"

"Here's my number. If you feel yourself weakening, call me. I'll help you get through it."

Sam pulled Matt into a hug. When Sam pulled back, their eyes locked and Sam felt his heart beat erratically. Their lips pressed together. it was just a slight brush, no real pressure to it, but Sam felt it throughout his whole body.

When they broke apart, Sam left Matt's apartment without looking back.


Sam felt Ruby roughly kissing his neck as she put her arm to Sam's mouth,but all Sam saw was Matt's face and all he remembered were Matt's words.

What am I doing? Sam's thoughts were whirling. He knew he couldn't go through with this. After harshly pushing Ruby away, Sam quickly left, calling Matt as he got into the Impala.

As soon as the phone was picked up and a hello administered, Sam blurted out, "I need you."

"Come over." that was it—no questions.

Sam knocked on the door after rushing up to Matt's third floor apartment, deciding the elevator would be too slow.

When Matt was revealed after the door was opened, Sam's arms wrapped tightly around Matt's waist, pressing his body close to Matt's. He knew he was hard because of Ruby and her blood. He knew it was probably very easy to feel, but that was okay, especially when Sam could feel Matt's answering hardness.

They pulled away from the hug. Matt's eyes were on Sam's groin area. "Let me take care of you, Sam. You need it."

"Please," Sam's whispered, needy.

They got to the bedroom,and without turning on any lights, Matt pushed Sam onto the bed. Hands removed shirts,and Sam kissed along Matt's chest.

Matt pushed Sam down. "This is all for you,Sam,so lay back and enjoy."

That night, Matt brought Sam to orgasm, over and over again, making him feel so safe and cherished.