just a word of warning - i suck at writing comedy so i wrote just whatever flowed out!

i don't owe anything to do with FF7 and Suare Enix.

The First Date

"You're leaving early today." Reeve stated as Vincent turned his computer off and rose to his feet.

"I have plans tonight."

"Anything good?"

"A…date."

There was a loud thud as the book Reeve held fell from his limp hand onto the floor.

Before any questions were asked, Vincent escaped as Reeve bent down to retrieve the book.

He hurriedly left the WRO headquarters and walked to Final Heaven, pulling open the bar's door and entered to see Tifa quietly serving the few early customers that occupied various seats.

He headed upstairs to his room and opened his wardrobe pulling out the shirt he bought and a smart pair of black trousers. He, under the insistence of Cid bought this outfit, ignoring Cid's advice to buy something 'trendy' in favour of simple but smart basics.

He showered; reluctantly washing his hair for this was something he avoided. He had difficulty enough controlling his stray hair and tangles when dry let alone when wet. He hissed in pain when his brush encountered yet another taunt tangle that left his scalp burning and his eyes watering.

His hand hovered hesitantly over Cloud cologne, wondering if the swordsman would mind him using some and decided he wouldn't, dabbed some on and instantly regretted it.

The smell reminded him of what Yufie helpfully dubbed; "Cat's piss" and remembered Cloud rarely used it, no doubt due to it smelling for Gaia's sake, awful.

Washing it off, he decided to stick with what he knew in future.

Pulling on his clothes, tucking his dark red shirt into his black trouser and then threading a belt through the belt loops, he looked in the mirror on the wardrobe door.

He unbuttoned one more shirt button to make him look less rigid and more 'chilled out'.

He looked at the gauntlet he usually wore, lying limply on the bed and decided to take some small form of weapon on him since he couldn't hide Cerberus on his person.

He strapped a small gun to his ankle and looked at his reflection in the mirror.

A small smile widened his lips, he heard of taking protection on a date but whoever advised that, obviously wasn't referring to a hand held weapon.

Speaking of protection, he flipped his new wallet open to see the edge of a small foil package poking out of the wallet's internal pocket and mentally cringed.

Cid had posted him a letter, helpfully instructing him on what to do/not do on tonight's date along with a condom which fell onto the breakfast table that morning, making Cloud choke on his cereal, Yuffie wickedly grin and Tifa looking somewhat embarrassed when Denzel asked what it was.

He obliged, putting the condom in the wallet, knowing full well it'll be forgotten about for another sixties years until he throws it out.

Checking he had enough Gil, he put on his socks and smart, black shoes and gave his hair another brush through with his brush until it hung over his shoulders, looking in place and smart for once.

He looked hard in the mirror, minus his cloak, claw, gun and bandana he actually looked…normal.

He'd even go as far as calling himself good looking

That was when the nerves kicked in, his stomach painfully shrank as his heart fitfully pounded against his ribs and for once in a long time, he experienced cold sweat.

His bare, clammy palms slipped on the door handle so much so, he had to take a deep breath and try again, quietly stepping out into the corridor and snuck out the bar via the back door., not wanting to bump into anyone dressed up like he was now and having to watch another person looking shocked that he 'finally' decided to go on a date.

He shut the back gate behind him and walked up the alley leading behind the bar out onto the main street and head in the general direction he knew where the restaurant was.

Taking a deep breath, he sighed.

"What could go wrong?"


Famous last words.

Oh how he had tempted fate and how fate responded!

He hastily left the restaurant after two hours of experiencing such an ordeal. First his date turned up thirty minutes late, she was as Cid put, 'hot' in you're into that kind of thing.

Which being, a complete airhead along with blonde hair, long legs, minimalist fashion taste which is to say the clothes she wore were certainly minimalist.

He swore that as she sat down, she flashed a crotch full of red underwear which made Vincent think she rather skip the meal itself and pull him straight to bed.

Lara, as she was called had as much depth to her personality as the tiny dog that made its appearance half way through main course, poking it's pathetic looking head out of her small bag and eyed Vincent's steak with its large hungry eyes.

Vincent was expecting to make some form of conversation despite not exactly being the most talkative of people, but he was saved the trauma of doing so for Lara talked to her dog 'Mojo' in such a pathetic baby-voice that even the nearby diners were looking over at them in irritation.

Vincent had never escaped from the clutches of a woman so fast before.

He walked with his hands in his pocket, feeling a little vulnerable without his cloak. It was just gone ten at night and he for once, wasn't ready to head home for irritation at how badly his first date in over thirty years kept his emotions stirred and he wanted to calm down before facing anyone.

His eyes fell onto a 24 hour diner and deciding a cup of coffee was just the thing, he walked over and entered, casting an eye over the booths before settling down in one by the window.

"What's your poison mister?"

"Coffee please." Vincent continued to look out the window without looking at the waitress, his mind still mulling over the date.

"You like it dark and deep just like yourself?" the cheery voice asked, pulling his attention from the window to look at the waitress before him.

She stood with a pad poised in one hand and a pen in the other, a smile on her lips as she tilted her head to regard him.

His eyes dropped from her face to the red name badge on her apron. "Black please with one sugar."

"No problem."

"Thanks…Zaren."

The waitress looked up from writing his order and if possible, her smile widen before turning away to head to the counter.

He resumed looking out the window, staring at the black night outside pass the light reflecting the café's interior on the glass.

He heard a chink as a large white mug of coffee was set before him on the red table.

"Enjoy." Zaren smiled, and left him to continue brooding.


"That man there has been staring out the window for the past hour now." Geoff the cook waved his cooking spoon in the general direction of the long, black haired man who had asked for coffee.

Zaren looked at him and frowned, she had refilled his mug twice since he ordered, interrupting him from his mindless gazing out the window which she very much doubted he could see out off due to the bright lights inside the café.

Picking up the coffee jug, she headed to the man intent on refilling his mug.

"Bad night hey?" she casually asked as she picked up his mug and filled it with fresh coffee.

The man turned his eyes to her and blinked owlishly, causing her to notice his bright red eyes.

"You could say that." He almost hesitantly replied, his deep voice making Zaren's ears resonate pleasantly.

"Let me guess, woman trouble?"

The man nodded his face impassive from any tell-tale emotions or expressions that made Zaren a little intimidated. He reached out to take his mug back from her hand but accidentally nudged it from her grasp, causing it to fall onto the table and spilling its hot contents.

Immediately, he stood up, pulling napkins from the nearby dispenser and began mopping up the mess he made, apologising in the process. His movements quick and fluid but his voice betraying the awkwardness he felt at finding himself in this situation.

"It's ok, don't worry about it." Zaren pulled the tea towel from where it was tucked in her apron strings and wiped the table until it was clear of coffee.

"I'm never this clumsy." The man frowned, his head bowed as he regarded the table.

"It happens. Sit yourself down and I'll bring you a fresh mug."

"It's alright, you don't…"

"Sit." Zaren pointed to the chair and the man sank down, obeying her direct order. He went to open his mouth but she turned and picked up a clean mug next to the coffee station and placed it before him and filled it with fresh coffee.

"Really, you didn't have to do that." The man politely spoke but she just simply shrugged.

"You seem like you need a break." She smiled, watching how the man's sharp eyes hold her own them look down at his coffee, clearly troubled.

"How could you tell?"

"You're not the only man to turn up here late at night and stare into space." She grinned and turned to jerk her thumb at another male customer sitting alone, looking a little shell-shocked as he gripped his coffee in a white-knuckled grip.

"Just found out his girlfriend is pregnant. What about you?"

"Just had a date from hell."

"It can't have been that bad…was it?" Zaren sat down opposite him, watching how he nodded and then sipped his coffee. She saw how his long black hair dropped like a sombre veil across part of his pale face, making him more feral and watched with something akin to fascination at how his long, pale fingers reached up and tucked his hair behind his ears.

"It was…awful." Was his deep response, followed buy his red eyes that watched her face, making her feel a little embarrassed.

Would he like what he saw?

Could see her greasy skin after a hard day's work?

See how her messy hair refused to stay put in the loose bun she fixed atop her head?

She cleared her throat. "What happened?"

The red eyed stranger looked at her as if to decide whether to tell her then nodded, "I'll start at the beginning. My friends, felt that since I haven't been on a date for many years, decided to each put an advert in the paper without the other realising. Subsequently I now have three blind dates…"


"...and the dog peed in her bag?" Zaren looked at him in amazement before starting to giggle.

Vincent nodded, "She handed the waiter the napkin with the dog mess in it and asked if she could have a look at the dessert menu."

He couldn't help but smile as Zaren wiped tears of laughter from her eyes, whilst apologising to him that she shouldn't laughter.

He found himself telling the whole date to the woman who sat opposite him, laughing and smiling as the story got worst.

Even he could now see the funny side of it.

"I can assure you only a few women are like that. Seems to me you got your friend to thank for putting you through that ordeal." Zaren grinned.

"I have indeed."

"You never did tell me your name."

"It's Vincent Valentine."

"Not the same Vincent Valentine who's in AVALANCHE?" Zaren looked at him closely.

He nodded and her smile widen, "Thought I seen you around before in all those newspapers and things. Well, it's a pleasure to meet you Mr Valentine. My name is, as you guessed is Zaren Wright."

She reached out a hand for him to shake and he did so, gently squeezing her cool fingers in the friendly gesture.

"It's my pleasure Zaren. Thanks for the coffee and … for listening."

"To that story? No, it's my pleasure." Zaren rose to her feet and picked up the empty coffee jug that Vincent has drunk whilst he talked to her. "I hope to see you again soon Vincent, you take care."

He rose to his feet and headed to the door, giving her a small wave as she disappeared into the kitchen.

Upon stepping out into the cool night, Vincent felt somewhat more enlightened than when he went into the café. It almost made up for his disastrous date.

So it has been a good night in all, he mused.

Suddenly thunder rumbled overhead and the heavens opened, making Vincent scowl and groan as the rain soaked him in a matter of seconds.

It was safe to say luck was never on his side in romantic matters.