Authors Note: So, the next half of the movie. Ah, perhaps even more humorous than the first. Yes, my readers, tis I, Major Dover, with the new recap scenes from Twilight. Now, I urge you, once again, to be in good humor, don't be in a bad mood when you read this, cause frankly I don't wanna hear you on my review board nagging about how your wife/husband forgot to pick up the kids or forgot to microwave dinner. And teens, pur-lease, no matter how much you love Edward Sparklepants, don't bitch at me for making fun of the movie. I know your all like "Omg but Bella and Edward are perfect!" and "Jacob is soo hawt", yes dears, I know. I know. This is only for fun and my own sick amusement.
And I'd like to send out a special thank you to my first reviewers Rosna and MisguidedGhostTwilighter,
Thank you for your reviews, they made me grin, and that's very hard to do.
And as I said, I'm not Stephenie Meyer or Johnny Depp for that matter, but if I were, I'd look at myself naked. I do not own Twilight or any such thing.
~Sit back and relax kiddies~
...
Scene 13: Mike Prom Request /Field Trip
Bella: Prom...dancing...(no sh*t sherlock)
As we open up this scene we are struck with an intution that Bella is still thinking about how Sparkleshorts saved her from a crushing gruesome death. Or she just really likes to look at the rusty brown color of her truck, oh and she also gives a stalker look at Edward, so I put 2 and 2 together. And in comes Mike. He asks Bella to prom, but she isn't listening, all she probably hears is "blah blah blah yack yack, I like your boobs, blah blah yack yack" Bella is too busy giving Edward looks of O.o (drooolll, gaahhh)
And when she comes back to reality, Mike is all like "So whadda think?" Bella has her trademark awkward face on and Mike has to repeat himself, Mike doesnt like to repeat himself. But he did. Dear lord, she rejects him. Who saw that one coming? No Sir. Psh. Holding out for a man who sparkles when he walks on the beach. Good lord. Good lord. Good lord.
And cue in creepy teacher telling people to get their asses on them buses. And cut into scene with greenhouse. Now where is Professor Sprout at? Oh, wrong movie, my bad. And creepy teacher has a cup of what looks like liquidfied sh*t. Yum. And the "would be murderor of Bella" dude takes it, I think he is going to drink it. Lovely.
And oh look, there is Bella, lookin all weird, i wonder if she knows that Edward is about to talk to her? He takes no time to insult her when she trips. Haha, oh how I laughed at Edwards abusive tenedencies. Oh and Bella is still curious how Bedhead there stopped that van. He said "google it" So I did google it actually "What does it mean when a creepy bloke who sparkles saves me from a van?" it said to go ask Jeeves. Back to where I was, Edward apologizes for his rudeness, but he thinks its better. Oh, ok Ike Turner.
He really thinks they shouldnt be friends. Is it because she is black Edward? You racist. Oh and here comes to Jessica, telling Bella that Mike asked her to prom, making Edward stomp out like an emo kid from the suburbs. Bella is probably relieved she has Mike off her back so she can concentrate on more important matters, like stalking a bloodthirsty sparkling vampire. Holy Jeebus, Edward stops her again at the bus yet again, saying we shouldnt be friends, ok hang on there, when did you two even become friends? Was it after that romantic death stare down you had with her the first day? Naww, was it insulting her intellgiance at the hosptial naww.
Gee, I just don't know. Anyways, Bella actually has a good thought. Why didn't Edward just let the van crush her? She woulda survived, with a couple of bruises here and there, maybe a fractured spine. At least at the end, after Edward is done insulting Alice asks if Bella is going to be riding with them. But Edward says "NO ALICE NO, I'm suffering, I can't have her on the bus, I'm a monster! BAAWW" No he just says the bus is full...that bitch. Did I ever tell you Jaspers hair looks like sex? Mhhhmmmmm
Scene 14: Edward and Bella at Lunch/ La Push
Eric: It's La Push baby...La Push
So. After Eric makes it apparant that the beach they want Bella to go to is La-Push, she goes for some om nom noms. She is an artist with her fruit I must say, so delicate they way she lays them in the bowl and...whoopsies..an apple falls out, probably running away from Bellas awkwardness. But, alas the apple is caught by Edward. Hmmhmmmm..that is a rather symbolic moment...it almost looks like that picture off the co...OOHHHH I see what you did thar...
Very nice touch. But anyways Edward gives her this pedophile smile and I'm like 'WTF, someone call Chris Hansen on this sparklepire". Edward makes it clear that it's not good for them to be friends, not that he didn't want them to be. He is more bi-polar than a mentstrual 17 year old.Holy Jeebus. Maybe he gets like a man period or something. Speaking of which how do the vamps cope with all the girls periods? Jasper especially ...oh another thought for another day
Back to the scene annnddddddddd BAM there goes Bella off on some tangent about how Eddies moods give her whiplash. Lolwut? "If you were smart, you'd stay away from me" Lol, Bella isn't a genius Eddie, even you said so yourself, everything about you lures her in your face, your smell, your body, heck even that pile of mush you call sexy hair. So how can you expect her to stay away? I mean, gosh, your stalkerish tenedencies and terible hair, I couldn't stay away from you. Oh and your boobs glitter, but we'll get to that later.
And they talk about superhero stuff and how lame the new spiderman comic book is. Then Bella invites him to beach, he declines. Too crowded ya know? I wouldn't be able to show my sparkle stick in peace. And we proceed to La-Push beach. Nice, cold weather. Who wouldn't wanna go swimming? Then I see a girl out in the distance walking towards Bella who is sitting in the death machine that almost killed her. Then I lol'd cause that's not a girl it's Jacob! (Insert fangirls scream here) And he brought two other long haired friends along. After some minor Edward bashing we find Jacob and Bella alone (insert fangirls scream here) (insert Edward/Bella shippers angry screams here)
I think she is attempting to flirt with Pocochontas over there but I'm not sure. And he proceeds to tell her an old tale, all I here is blah blah blah foreshadowing blah blah blah foreshadowing blah blah blah foreshadowing. Basically he tells her about how vampires and wolves hate each other. and the scene finally ends, good god man, all that and you guys didnt even go whale watching?
Scene 15: Attack 2 ft. Buttcrack Santa/ Random scenes ft Bella, Jessica and Angela
Laurent: James, let's not play with our food
Buttcrack Santa is on a boat. Loud unessacary noises, and a redhead with a bad white coat appears. Buttcrack Santa givers her a pedo smile. But then 2 others appear, a hobo and jamacian with dreads, holla! So a redhead, a hobo and jamacian walk into a bar and... I'll leave that joke for some other time. So, Buttcrack wants to know what they are, and hobo responses with 'It's always the same, who are you, what do you want, what kind of shampoo do you use?" And then Buttcrack gets ate. om nom nom nom.
There are some random scenes here, Bella researching for a book, probably "How to Talk to Passive Aggresive Guys: For Dummies" and some Jessica tanning and telling Bella Sparklepants won't be in school cause it's sunny and Edward is part albino, and then Angela and Jessica trying on prom dresses while Bella sits there like a pumpkin and works on her awkward mannerisms.
Scene 16: Bella Almost Gets Raped/Edward & Bella Dinner
Edward: I hear everyones thoughts, but yours. (Ever think because she doesn't have any?) (insert angry fans screams here)
Ok, so Bella is bored with Jessica and Angela trying on dresses. So she goes off by herself to a bookstore and picks out a lovely book about vampires,
although she doesn't know it yet. And dadadadada she is walkin down the street swinging her hips when suddenly, FRAT BOYS. Luckily Bella is mastered in the art of kung fu, but before she can put her moves on those scumbags, a mean, realy intimading shiny volvo pulls off. BEEP BEEP. I swear that car just screams "I'm gayyyy". And out pops a seriously pissed off Edward.
He basically commands Bella to get in the car and make him a sammich, ok well not the last part. Then he gives those guys a really weird look , one that I can only describe as "I just crapped my pants" face and they run in terror. I wonder if he practices that in the mirror. And then vroom, they are off in Edwards gay mobile. Edward is an emotional driver. It makes Bella really uncomfortable. , And vroom they meet Jessica and Angela at the resturant.
They ate already while Bella was almost gang banged. Edward accompanies Bella inside the resuarant, demanding she eat something. The waitress made me laugh, scamming all up on Edwards kool aid. Thinkin about running her fingers into his meshul of hair. Makin Bella jealous. Good times. Bella orders what looks to be a digusting dish, then again, I hate mushrooms. I bet Edward does too, that sparkle bitch.
So, Edward lets Bella have it as he says he can read peoples thoughts. Like Sookie from Tru Blood. And he goes off on peoples thoughts "sex, sex, money, sex, cat, Nickleback, Jacobs ass" musta been a Jacob fan in that resturant somehwere. There's a twist though, he can't read Bellas thoughts, seriously, does she have any? Just kiddin Twilight fans...maybe. Erm..so..Edward says in a creepy voice that he doesnt have the strength to stay away anymore. Phew, load off my mind let me tell you. I would not take any of my strength to stay away from Bella. No sir.
Scene 17 Bella & Edwards Car Ride/ Charlie & Bella Police Station
After a strange dinner and new secrets about sparklepants, they are back in the gay mobile, driving along the stretch of highsway. Bella decides she is warm enough and goes to turn off the heater but Edward bein all gentlemen and sh*t goes in to turn it off too. And their fingers touch. O.o
Bella comments on how cold Edward is, perhaps you should buy him a Snuggie? Then Edward gives her a look like "Oh sh*tsickles she's on to me" And they pull up to the local police station. It seems Bellas dad and Edwards "adopted" dad are there still. Curious they stumble out of the shiny gay mobile and we run into Carslie Cullen, or Dr. I Wanna Touch Yer Ass. He tells Bella that her fathers good friend (aka Buttcrack) has died. Now, I'm heartless, but I'm not that heartless so making fun of the next scene is not right, it was actually one of the more believable scenes, Bella even shows emotion.
Scene 18: Bella's Vampire Book/ Famous Forest Scene
Bella: How old are you?
Edward: 17 Bella: How long have you been 17?
Edward: A while...
Ah, Bella turns in for the night with a bit of light reading. Lalala while turning the pages, she comes across some words, "fast, strong and immortal", and this reminds her of one person. Chuck Norris. Haha, I keed! I keed! It reminds her of Edward, because he is fast and strong and creepy.
She finally puts the pieces together. Edward is A werewolf! Um, no Bella, neXt book honey. Oh, Edward is a VAMPIRE! And at this point I get up and clap for Bella, for finally figuring it out. Now she plans on confroting Edward about his disease the next day. They decide to take a lovely hike through the woods. They stop in a small clearing and Bella stands there like there is something stuck up her bum. She asks "how long have you been 17?", and he asks if she has a calculator.
She then proceeds to tell him that his skin is ice cold and blah blah. And she also says "I know what you are" just get on with it Bella, some of your auidence have to take a poop. And Edward goes all creepy again and says "Say it, outloud" Now, there are lots of things I could say Edward is, but vampire or monster wouldn't be my top choices. Fairy, Hobo Hair Guy, and gay volvo owner all top my list though. But alas, she says "Vampire" . And Edward ,of course, goes off on how vampires suck blood, yes Edward, WE KNOW! But Bella isn't afraid of him.
So instead of saying "thank you Bella, or not being afraid of something I can't help" he goes all apesh*t on her and tell her she needs to see him in the sun. Oh, and the laughing ensues. He unbuttons his shirt (insert fangirl screams here) and BAM, he sparkles like the Jonas Brothers and Lady Gaga, if I lay down a "disco stick" joke, will you get it?
A million jokes came to my mind, a million folks! But I'm sure you have heard them all. And he shows off his impossible strength and tells Bella how vampires are the most dangerous predators. And the famous line "So the lion fell in love with the lamb", I get that quote now, Edward bein the lion (aka predator) and Bella being the lamb (aka the prey) It's really sick and twisted but kudos to Stephenie Meyer, I see that quote EVERYWHERE now. My gay friend even has it on his thigh.
But I'm confused, when did they even become friends, let alone fall in love, when and where was that line crossed? But anywhos they lay in the grass and just stare at each other. Kinda boring and creepy. And Bella gets to see him and his tits sparkle. Viva La Glittertits! Haha. Oh Edward, shine on you prissy diamond. Shine on.
...
Ok kiddies, due to a lack of time, I haven't gotten all the way through the movie, since these recaps are quite a bit longer than my previous ones.
But I will manage to keep recaping the next scenes and so forth when time is not a bitch to me. So until then, wipe the drool off your face gals and read some books that aren't Twilight!
Cia~
