A/N: flashbacks are in italics

I lost my heart, I lost my mind


"I think I'm gay, Quinn.", Santana confesses for the first time ever. It's not a secret that she and Brittany are hooking up on a constant basis but there is a difference between fooling around and admitting that you are in fact gay.

"You 'think'?", the blonde replies amused with a teasing smile on her face.

The brunette laughs.

"No, I am", the Latina answers her eyebrows scrunching together, eyes flashing with fear, waiting for Quinn to reply.

Several seconds, that feel a lot like hours to Santana pass, till the blonde looks her in the eye and breaths out, "okay."

"Okay?", the Latina asks surprised "that's all you have to say?"

"What did you expect?" Quinn asks.

"I don't know," Santana starts "I just thought that your Jesus loving ass would have had to say a little more than just 'okay'."

The blonde takes a long look at Santana, trying to read her. Averting her gaze elsewhere and taking a deep breath, she lets out a small chuckle "you're my best friend, San. I won't lose you for something you have no control over."

"Okay," Santana breaths out, hesitating a moment but taking Quinn's hand in her own.

.

Avoidance is a funny thing isn't it? You try to ignore one certain person. You take the long way to class to avoid meeting her in the hallway. You look out for her on your way to be able to change your path fast enough for her to not see you. You ignore her calls even though you're on your phone 24/7. And as usual, you ignore her standing at your door for hours.

Avoidance is really a funny thing because you don't really avoid her. The times you take the long path are the times you think about her. The moment you look out for her are the moments she's on your mind. When your phones rings and you ignore it until it stops, she's still here claiming to be recognized even though you try not to, reminding you of her presence. And the hours she's standing in front your house, are the hours you listen to her sobbing on the other side.

You can't avoid someone who's trying so hard to be seen.

It's been a couple of days since Santana punched Puck on that stupid party.
He deserved it the brunette tells herself. He deserved it for touching her with his imperfect hands and for kissing her in front of everyone, thinking he has any demand of being seen with her like this.

Santana doesn't regret the slap, not one bit. He had it coming for a while now, the party happened just to be that moment.

What she does regret though is the way she treated the blonde. She regrets pushing her away when Quinn is the only one the Latina wants by her side.

And deep down Santana knows that she's just like Puck. As much as he doesn't have any claim in her, she doesn't either.

She has a girlfriend, for fucks sake. Someone she claims to love but how can you love someone when you can barely look them in the eye. How can you love someone when you barely spent any time thinking about her but can spend hours thinking about another blonde.
How can one relationship hurt so many people.

Santana's not dumb. She knows that she's hurting Brittany as much as she's hurting Quinn.
Brittany, who looked just like Quinn, past her flaws. Brittany, who with her shinny personality and her never faltering energy, brought a light into Santana's life, that the darkness, which is Santana's usual company, started to fade away. Brittany tried to pick up the broken pieces but sometimes people are not meant to be fixed.

Sometimes you need to find someone as damaged as you; someone who understands how it feels like to be happy and sad at the same time. Someone who knows how dark life actually can get. Sometimes you need to find someone who's as broken as you to fight the demons together.

Despite the common belief, Brittany is not dumb either. Maybe she's not book smart but she can read people. Santana knows this and she knows that Brittany is not happy anymore. Santana's quicksand. She's Brittany's quicksand; dragging her down even though Brittany is running and fighting.

She can't do this anymore. She can't be the one who's tying someone down, so she decides that it's time to end this battle. She's trying to do the right thing, which seems like something she's trying to do more often now.
Maybe she's growing as a person or maybe she's just exhausted.

And that's how she finds herself at Brittany's door.

.

Breaking up with Brittany was harder but also easier than thought.

There were tears but there was also laughter. They talked for hours, something they didn't do often these last few weeks.
They even talked about Quinn.

It's 3 am now and Santana's resting in bed, sleep not coming easy these days.
She still couldn't find the courage to talk to the blonde. There is no easy way to apologize for something like that, right?
You can't just show up and say 'Hey Quinn I'm sorry let's forget about it ok? Or hey Quinn I know I said that I could never love you even though you, me and probably even the blind guy around the corner of the Lima Bean knows that I do but how about we forget about it ok? '

The Latina knows she can't take this back as if nothing happened. She knows this one will leave scars on both of their souls.

This feels a lot like the night two years ago when Quinn suddenly showed up in front of her house way past midnight with bloodshot eyes and an empty look. She never felt more helpless than in that moment.

It's been a couple of weeks since Santana's official outing. It's been easier than thought. Her parents not really caring that their only child is gay.

'How can they,' Santana thinks. 'They're never home anyway. '

Her father putting work and pretty much everything else above them.
It used to hurt Santana when her father would leave early hours and come back home late at night. It used to hurt her when, in the rare moments they spend a couple of hours together, that she would feel like talking to a stranger; but as much as it hurt Santana, her fathers absence and lack of love destroyed her mother. Santana's never been really close to her mother and when her dad started to spend less time at home, her mother started to do that too.

Is kinda funny how a home that is this big can feel like a small cage. It's 'The Santana Show: How much can you constrain someone until they suffocate, watch and find out. '

But being alone also has its perks. You don't have to justify yourself; there is no curfew or whatsoever, you are your own person.

It's an easy way to live actually, she should be happy about but she's not.

It's a hot summer night, the air is thick and even though it's way past midnight it's freaking hot. She's tossing and turning around trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in, as her phone rings.

It's Quinn and Santana answers the phone immediately.

"What's wrong?", the brunette asks in alarm.

"Hey San," the blonde breathes out "I'm in front of your house."

'Quinn sounds strange,' the Latina thinks and hurries downstairs still holding the line, just in case.

Opening the door she immediately realizes why the blonde sounded so strange. Her eyes are red as if she's been crying for hours and there's a handprint on her usual flawless cheek but she can't just jump to questions now, knowing that if she does the blonde will be building her walls up higher than usual.

Quinn looks sad; her eyes having a tiny shimmer, not from happiness or joy, but from sadness and tears she's been trying hard to suppress.

Taking a deep breath the Latina engulfs her in a tight hug, her arms sneaking around the blondes slim waist and pulling her tightly against her not letting go until Quinn reciprocates. They're speaking trough actions not words.

Several seconds pass and Santana ends the hug but Quinn still won't let go, burying her nose in dark locks instead. Santana holds her tighter; she knows the blonde will let go once she's ready, once she feels like she won't fall apart when she lets go.

Plating a feather light kiss against the brunettes neck Quinn lets go but Santana is not ready to lose any contact yet so she grasps the blonde girls hand.

Avoiding eye contact the blonde rasps out "it's warm out there."

"Wanna go for a walk?", the Latina asks searching Quinn's gaze.

The blonde nods but doesn't say anything and so they go for a walk Santana not letting go of her hand.

Lima is quiet at night. The voices that are judging you and whispering behind your back, gone. Quinn's quiet too, more quiet than usual. The walk to their spot seems longer, now that they aren't talking.

There is a river behind the hills, a spot they discovered as kids. It's quite a walk but it's worth once you get there.

Once there, they settle down a nearby tree, the river just a few feet away from them.

Quinn's lost in thought, her eyes focused only on the river, her hands in tight fists.
Sometimes Quinn gets lost in her thoughts, her mind wandering to a dark place.

"Come back to me," Santana says softly her eyes searching for the blondes, again taking Quinn's hand in her own. The blonde flinches but doesn't pull away her eyes connecting with deep brown orbs.

"Where did you just go?", Santana asks eyebrows scrunching together, her thump drawing lazy patterns on the back of Quinn's hand.

"Nowhere, I'm right here," the blonde replies.

Reaching out an touching Quinn's cheek lightly, knowing that it probably hurts, the Latina asks what happened without actually saying it. Normal people wouldn't realize that something's wrong with Quinn, the blonde doing a pretty good job covering it up but Santana knows her too well.

"It wasn't Russell you know," the blonde starts her voice weak, barely audible "Judy slapped me. I think she knew that he was going to do it and that it'll hurt more if he does so she just did; but it didn't hurt less, you know San? It hurts still the same."

There are tears streaming down Quinn's face, not the ones you hear but see.
The hallow ones, the ones you don't forget.

Santana swallows hard, "what happened?"

The blonde hesitates "we had a fight about .. about you. You know what Lima is like, people talk. And I just couldn't take the way they were taking about y.."

"Don't," the Latina interrupts Quinn "don't you ever defend me Quinn. I can take it but I can't if they hurt you."

"You never told me that it got so bad," the darker girls voice breaking.

"You're my best friend," Quinn chokes out.

"And you're mine," the brunette replies softly squeezing Quinn's hand.

"I can't lose you."

"You won't Q," Santana states determinedly.

Quinn shakes her head, tears still streaming down pale cheeks "you don't know that."

But she knows. Santana knows because she'll never let the blonde go.

I wanna be yours, are you mine?

Santana can't take the distance anymore. Yes she is the one who's been pushing the blonde away and yes she is also the one who's been ignoring every attempt of her but it's not simple as that.

She's the one who hurt the blonde so she has to make it up now.

Grabbing her keys she hurries to Quinn's house, hoping the blonde is awake.

Once she's there, Santana realizes that in her sudden outburst of courage she forgot her phone at home; but knowing where the spare key is and having done this constantly in the past the brunette knows that Quinn will be okay with Santana using it and knowing Quinn's parents, Judy is passed out from the bottles of wine anyway whilst Russell is spending the night with one of his mistresses.

Quinn has shitty parents too. See they understand each-other.

Walking up to her room as quietly as possible she opens the door, only to find her asleep, curled up in thin sheets.

Quinn's beautiful in an unusual kind of way. You could look at her for hours and never get bored. It's captivating, really. The way her hazel eyes match her hair color. Her full pinky lips, the small nose, the perfect sculptured eyebrows.

Quinn has always been a light sleeper. Santana knows from several sleepovers that the blonde wakes up by the tiniest sound, so she tries to close the door as quietly as possible. Whilst the door closes with a soft click, the lock doesn't.

"Santana?", a sleepy voice ask.

Santana sighs, leaning her forehead against the door. God, how she missed that voice.

"San?", the blonde asks again after Santana releases a loud sob.

It's like the brunette is not herself around the blonde; Quinn stripping her down to her most vulnerable emotions. She's Santana's kryptonite.

Releasing the doorknob Santana throws herself at Quinn, who's still lying on her bed and engulfs her in a tight hug, her face buried in between the blondes shoulder and neck, silently crying.

"I'm sorry Quinn," Santana chokes out "I'm so sorry I didn't mean it, please I'm so sorry."

Quinn's arms wrap around the brunette but she stays quiet. Several minutes pass, in which Santana silently cries and Quinn thinks about what she'll say the next moment. She can't do this anymore. She's tired by this shove and pull game they've been playing for months now. It's time to end this.

"Sometimes I wish I never met you did you know that San?"

It's like Santana's been kicked in the gut, her tears stopping immediately, afraid of what Quinn will say next.
The only sound that can be heard is the heavy breathing of both girls. Santana doesn't answer, this is not a question she's supposed to do. She knows that this is Quinn's way of revealing what's been stuck in her head for so long.

"But then I think," the blonde hesitates a moment before she continues her voice thick with tears, "if it wouldn't be for you, there probably wouldn't be a me anymore."

"You're wrong," the brunette whispers "you're stronger than you think."

Quinn whimpers "Am I ? Because it doesn't feel like it."

"You know I've been thinking about what you said in that bathroom," Quinn breathes out "maybe you're right, maybe I am too damaged to be loved."

Santana struggles to sit up and look at Quinn but the blonde won't let her go, holding her in fact tighter than before as if she's making herself ready to let the brunette go forever.

"No Quinn," Santana states determinedly "that's not true."

"You said it yourself San."

"But I didn't mean it-" the brunette tries to explain before Quinn cuts her off again.

"-Yes you did. You know what it feels like to be loved, I thought I knew too. You have Brittany and -"

"- I broke up with her," Santana almost shouts "I broke up with her," she repeats softly.

And here it is, the topic they never talk about. Santana doesn't know when she became the person they never talk about. It's like Brittany is a land mine, able to blow up their friendship with one wrong word.

The outburst shocks Quinn, she's utterly stunned; she didn't expect this.
Santana uses the blondes distraction to break free from her firm grasp and gazes in wide hazel eyes.

"Why?", Quinn whispers eyebrows scrunching together slightly.

Now is the moment, Santana thinks you have to tell her or you'll lose her. For good.

Taking a shuttering breath, Santana leans her forehead against Quinn's, lying half on top of the blonde, her elbows holding her up.

No one is running away this time, nor Santana nor Quinn have their walls up, it's a make it or break it moment. They both know they can't go on like this and sometimes fears need to be faced no matter how scary they are.

Foreheads leaning against each other and breaths mixing Santana struggles to find the least of a bit of courage to lean forward and claim those lips she wanted to taste for so long now as her own.

Come on Santana this is it. Come on just..- Santana loses all of her senses as she feels the softest touch of lips against her own.

God damn it Quinn Santana thinks you always have to steal my moment, don't you.

The kiss is nothing like expected, dreams don't to those lips justice.
It's everything and not enough at the same time. Santana's arms give out and she collapses on top of Quinn, hands reaching up and holding the blondes face, kissing her harder now, breathing her in.

This is the moment the brunette dreamed about for so long and now that the moment is here she's not ready to let it ever end.

Sucking and nibbling on the blondes lips she traces her tongue along the line, hoping the blonde will grant her access.

Quinn opens her mouth just wide enough for Santana's tongue to slip in, both girls gasping at the first touch, tongues stroking and breaths quickening.

When air becomes an issue they break apart, Santana peppering Quinn's lips with small kisses, not ready to face the reality of the moment yet.

"Quinn, I lo..", Quinn clasps her hand over Santana's mouth stopping her from saying it.

"Santana don't please," the blonde rasps out tears already forming in her eyes.

"No Quinn," Santana states, taking Quinn's hands in her own, kissing her palm, "you need to hear it and I need to say it."

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, the Latina, for the first time ever breathes out, "I love you Quinn, I'm so in love with you. You are loved. Your are loved so much."

Quinn's eyes close instantly, the blonde trying to will the tears away but to no avail.

The blonde opens her eyes the moment she feels full lips kissing them away lovingly.

"I'm scared," the blonde whimpers out, struggling to breathe "you terrify me. If I say it back it'll change everything."

The Latina stays quiet, still dragging her lips along the blondes cheeks and neck lovingly.

"If I say it you're not allowed to leave me San. I wouldn't make it if-"

"-Shhh," the Santana cuts her off "I would never leave you."

"Please don't leave me", Quinn begs "I love you, please don't leave me."

And here it is, the words both girls tried to deny as much as they can, the words sounding less scary now.

The Latina releases a long breath, she waited so long for this moment to happen. Leaning down, the girls lips meet softly. It's like now that they know what the other girl tastes like they can't separate their lips any longer, having done this too long now.

Santana nuzzles her nose against Quinn's neck kissing the spot her lips can reach, legs intertwining, holding on to each other, both girls fall asleep with less heavy hearts.

TBC

A/N: There is a lot of drama to come ;)
But be warned this will not be an overly long story I should wrap it up in a few more chapters; but drama is ahead.

Also, I read and appreciate every review so thanks for that !