A Lifelong Marathon
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2: Hiding down the rabbit hole
TJ
I changed back where I was and wound up lying naked next to the dead mutt. His condition looked even worse through human eyes and the logic running through my mind was almost enough for me to feel guilty. Almost. In my werewolf frame of mind, he was a threat. Although I live in this area, I don't see myself as holding territory in the general sense but my wolf instincts saw him as a trespasser and a threat so there was no real sense of sadness and guilt at killing him. There was a twinge, however, in my mind in both forms that killing is and will always be wrong. But I have no choice. I'll just have to go to hell. I'm pretty damn sure I was set to go there from birth anyway. As a human, seeing what I had done to this mutt who was also human made me feel a little sickened but the reminders of my reasons quickly shooed those emotions away.
When the pain in my body from the change had subsided slightly to only a twinge in my joints, I slowly got to my feet in a crouch and carefully hauled myself up stretching every muscle whilst doing so. I hated the change. The rewards of it were liberating though. Being able to run through the forest and have all the animal instincts and advantages. The smell, the hearing, the freedom that you just can't have being a human. Then there's the feeling of being able to relish the human qualities I had too once I had changed back. It made me grateful in a way but I was still pissed with what I was.
It is my fault that we're living this life in the first place. Some fucking twist of fate threw us into this life and I hate it. I hate myself more for playing a part in our fates. If I had reacted differently, she wouldn't be like this. She would be living a semi-happy life with a new family no doubt and they would love her and cherish her. I say semi-happy because of the events that took a turn for the worse. It really kills me to know that even if I hadn't reacted the way I had then she would still have been scarred and broken. I just made it a whole lot worse.
No one could've said no to her as a child, she was just so cute. I always look back and remember that devious little smile she had on her lips when she was doing something cheeky or naughty. The harmonious sound of her giggling as she tried to stay quiet and hidden when we were playing hide and seek. The twinkle she had in her eye when we were going to do something she liked. She was the most adorable little girl in the world. Now, however, she's vulnerable and paranoid. Constantly on edge and practically an empty shell. It's rare when I can get a good reaction from her and even then it only lasts a few seconds long. Her live view is to just live through the minute never mind the day. And I was the one who made her like this. Now this, this is what makes me feel sick. That I had turned some innocent, pure, naïve little girl into a paranoid, vulnerable, void empty shell that I spent my life protecting.
I stood to a full length and looked down at the body. I knew it was an odd picture to imagine and anyone who came across this scene would most probably faint or react extremely badly. With a sigh, I bent down and picked the canine body up, not bothering to take care with it. I had learnt in the past that the body had to be fully disposed of. There possible outcome of not hiding the body is disastrous. Not for us, but for whoever has found the body and the closest town or village. Especially in the rural areas. After seeing how a small village in Scotland reacted, I made sure to dispose of every body that I had mangled.
We were staying in an abandoned military village just on the outskirts of a larger village in the Scottish highlands when we had been caught. I was only technically three years old as a werewolf and I was looking after a one year old werewolf which made it extremely difficult to stay in one place for a length of time. We had to move around a lot because of instinctual mistakes that we both made and having to make sure we never crossed other mutt's paths. Unfortunately, in this small village, we weren't so lucky. We had already lasted a month without any worries when we collided.
I had caught the mutts scent before he decided on a confrontation and followed it to where he was staying. The hunt and kill was easy. I was only young and extremely inexperienced but the mutt wasn't very smart. The highlands have a lot of rocky terrain so it was a little difficult to manoeuvre but I had managed to kill him after a couple hours of cat and mouse. Being exhausted by the change and the hunt, I changed back, returned to our hide out and slept. It didn't cross my mind that the mutt's body had to be disposed of. I left him where I killed him and never thought anything of it, I was too tired. The next morning, I had ventured into the village alone knowing she was safe with the mutt gone, and found the town in an uproar. Taking advantage of it, I ran into the butchers shop and grabbed as much meat as possible whilst he was out in the street joining in with the shouting and arguing. Still ignoring the chaos, I made my way to the bakery getting confident and had managed to stuff a few cakes, cookies and sausage rolls into my bag before the words of the uproar reached my ears.
"Mauled to death"
"Dog didn't have a fighting chance"
"What could've ripped his throat out?!"
"The work of the devil!"
"It's the devils creature that done this!"
"This is a warning from above!"
"What if it comes into the village?"
I already knew what they were talking about. It was pretty obvious. But it didn't hit me that when we came to this village, it was extremely traditional and radically religious. Like mentally religious.
I had only just fully understood that I caused this. Zipping up my bag, I made my way to the village square where there was a circle formed and a few uniformed officers standing round, not knowing what to do. Of course, they weren't exactly real policemen. They were the type that were born and raised here, done shit in their education and thought that their life's vocation was to protect people. Sure, that's a good vocation and I agree that if you feel it is your job to protect the public, then by all means, feel free to do so. But these guys were pretty much the equals to the village idiots. They weren't even good with the basic shit that only needed organising with some common sense let alone the intellectual side of things. They liked violence though. Violence they were good at. It gave them a chance to show their macho side and feel masculine, to give them a sense of purpose in doing this job. In their delusional minds, they actually believed they kept the villages society together. I had travelled through many off map villages to understand these kinds of officers and I knew them only too well. They were on stand-by, waiting for someone to kick off.
The circle had a wide berth, and in the centre was none other than the mutt that I had previously killed the night before. That was the time when I still felt guilt wash over me when I was human. I could feel the cringe form in my expression and my brow furrow in worry when someone noticed it. I didn't register who but they turned to me and started babbling some shit that just sounded like messed up sounds to me. I didn't understand a thing he was saying. I kept my eyes on the mangled heap lying on the floor as whoever it was that spoke to me turned and made his way to a bench. Climbing up, he yelled for attention. And so the preaching began. I understood his words through the crowd's reactions. He saw it fit to find what the cause of this was and who the person was that called the devil to their village.
It took me a while to understand, but when he turned to face me and his finger came down slowly pointing at me, I knew that this was when it all fucked up. I was new in this village and they assumed I was the one who had done the deed of the devil. Sure, I had killed the mutt, but not because of the devil. That was just downright horrible for someone t accuse me of working for the devil.
I turned on my heels and ran. Ran as fast as I could. But I had nowhere to run to. I couldn't lead them back to our hiding place because they would find her too and I would be putting her in danger. So I ran in circles around all the people in the village. As stupid as it sounds, it worked. I was too quick for them to catch me and they ended up hitting and grabbing each other instead. That was where the violence started. The drunks and testosterone full males got aggressive and even the women became violent to help their men keep their status. Some fucked up holy village that was. I tough football fights between hooligan gangs were bad but this was 10 times worse. Even the dunce police couldn't stop them.
After I was covered, I ran back to the military village declaring we were leaving again. I still had the food so we were good to camp out for a few days in the highlands. We packed up and left.
The thing that worried me the most was that if I was taken or injured, then I wouldn't be able to protect her anymore. Anything happens to me and she's left vulnerable and unstable. It would kill me knowing she had to fend for herself. Sure, she has strength, but she doesn't know how to use it. No matter how many times I had tried to teach her, she just refused to resort to violence.
Carrying the mutt, I headed back to our home. If you could call it home? It was sheer luck in finding this place. We still stayed in the Scottish highlands, they were the best place to run, but while we were out running we came across something so bizarre. It was a door etched into a muddy cliff face. It wasn't distinguishable at first but upon a closer inspection, it was definitely a door. I wasn't the one who noticed it first, she was.
I always call her Alice after Alice in Wonderland. She's always had a tendency to wander off and get into some form of trouble or distress. In a way it's cute, but it's worrying. She never means to do it, but she's got a strange way of seeing things and the term "ooh, shiny" comes into mind when I think of her. Its not that she's dumb or has a short attention span, its far cry from it. But she has a curious nature and she always has to satiate that curiosity to settle her nerves. If there's something that she doesn't understand then she needs to do anything she can to understand it. That's why she's so smart. Maths has always been her favourite subject. To her it was stable and was verified. There were no unproven theories, just plain hard numbers. She always joked saying that if she was Alice, then I was the Cheshire Cat. Ironic with us being werewolves, I know, but I understood the logic in her thinking. I was the one who advised, nudged her in the right directions without forcing her. Helping her with her life and looking after her. I saw it a little differently, more like I was the white rabbit and that she was just following me hoping that everything would work out but she is adamant that I'm the Cheshire. The times when we discussed this were very few but they were cherished. They were the times that she smiled and even on occasion, laughed. Those are the moments in our difficult lives that I look back at for inspiration, for the drive to make our lives better in hope that she'll smile and laugh more.
We returned to the invisible door for days, coming back to inspect it and check on it to see if anyone had emerged. No one ever did. The nature of Alice got the better of her and she decided to go and explore one day, with me by her side. She was so broken and paranoid that there was no way she would have even gone on a run without me there to protect her.
It was a blessing in disguise finding that door because behind it was the most amazing place ever. Freaky and kinda creepy, but amazing. It was like an institution underground. Full of corridors and separate rooms, I say rooms but they were really like cells. It was horrible t look at, really eerie and dark. There was a science lab, two offices, a bunker, a store room and there were bars along the small inset rooms. There was even a small furnace room which kept the place warm. It seemed like a prison or a mental institute and why it was underground, I have no idea. All I knew was that it was empty and from the very few records we found in offices, it had been abandoned. Just for verification, I checked out the scents that ran through this place and they were weak enough to tell me that it had been abandoned for more than a few years now. The computer system had been burnt out and most of the files literally set alight, but it was well hidden and after a long scouting of the vicinity, I decided to make it our new home.
For the first few months, we stayed close to the first entrance we found. I knew there was another entrance but we were wary of the place still. It wasn't until my dear Alice's curiosity had gotten the better of her that we fully inspected the place. There was only the one floor but with all the rooms added together, the area of the place was large. We had found the other exit and the sense of irony hit me like a fish smacked in my face. The door was a latch that was on the roof of the hallway and a small slope leading up slightly to it. When you opened it, you came out to a small clearing that was well hidden by the trees and bushes along the perimeter. When you were out and looking down ad the entrance, you couldn't see it at all. Not like the door in the cliff face. Why? Because this door was cut into an artificial oak tree and the door shape was curved around the roots. It literally was like a rabbit hole. We were so close to playing out Alice in Wonderland and I started to worry a little. It seemed like some stupid joke of the fates.
I decided to ignore the irony and got started on making our lives comfortable here and hiding our scents in the area.
This underground facility has been our home to date.
I reached the rabbit hole door with the mutt's body, not even having broken a sweat and even having been able to grab my clothes and dress on my way. Throwing the mutt to the ground, I bent down and unlatched the door. Usually, this door was locked from the inside too but whenever I was out, it stayed unlocked in spite of my worries and safety precautions. I threw back the door and hauled the mutt to the hole, dumping him in and hearing a distinct thud as his limp body hit the ground. I didn't have to worry about her seeing it. I knew that when I was out, she stayed on the east side of the facility, hidden away in the bunker. She refused to surface from the room unless I was here with her.
Jumping in after the mutt, I expertly grabbed the door and swung it closed above me, making sure to lock it securely. The mutt was tangled a little between my legs and I fell forward, catching myself in a push up position before I face planted the floor. I was tired and my frustration boiled over a bit as I grunted and let my left foot meet the mutt's ribs with forceful momentum. I really hate this life. His body jolted under my movements and I felt myself give an involuntary sigh as I hauled myself up, reached down and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck dragging him to the furnace room. I had repeated this process quite a few times. Although, mutts don't find us as easily anymore so its fewer than I would have assumed at first.
The furnace room was small but empty. All I had to do was drag the mutt in, open the furnace and throw his body into it. His body would power the furnace a little longer. I would be able to have longer lye in tomorrow morning now because he was acting as extra fuel. Sick to see it that way I know, but it's a dog eat dog world out there. Pun definitely intended.
After seeing that the body was burning away, I left the room in and headed down the hallway to the bunker on the end. I knew she would be able to smell me as I approached but I also knew she still got on edge, in her mind she couldn't be certain it wasn't a trick.
"Alyssa?"
I could hear her shuffling around at the sound of my voice knowing it was safe to move about now. Her dainty footsteps were predominant as she made her way to the entrance of the dingy doorway that was racked with mould and mildew.
I heard her footsteps pause. She might have heard my voice, but she was still wary for tricks. She has a constant paranoia now. I kept my footing even, as not to worry her and continued to head down to the room she was in. As I was a few feet away, I saw her small fingers curl around the door frame and heard a slow intake of breath as she moved to peek round the wall. Only half her face showing and her hair falling around her like a veil, I could see the vulnerability and fear in her immediately and I felt a huge wave of remorse and guilt. I had caused this. This was my fault.
"Lyss? It's me sweetheart"
The one eye that I could see lit up a little as she realised it was definitely me and she began to move round the door frame slowly, never taking her eyes off me. My footing was still the same and it took no time for me to reach her. I knew that she saw my weak points, she knew my tell and my poker face was pointless with her. But I also knew some of the tells she recognised in me and I done my best to make sure that I got out of the habit of showing them.
For instance, if I hesitated, just in the slightest when I saw her and my movements faltered, she immediately caught on that something was wrong. Alyssa was very observant. She always has been. That's what makes her like Alice.
As soon as I reached her, I enveloped her in a brotherly embrace and she began to shake from the tension and worry as it relieved itself from her system. She was an emotional wreck and I knew it. There wasn't anything I could do about it. Only try my best to comfort her and hope her reactions will subside and kill everything that threatens her.
I whispered calm words into her ears and told her that the problem was dealt with. I never told her how I dealt with it.
Ever since that first incident, the incident where I fucked up her life for good, I tried to shield her from anything violent. She had already been scarred with the images of my mistakes when I first became what I am and I was determined to make sure she never saw anything as horrific as that ever again. She wakes up every night from the nightmares she knows are memories, screaming and crying, having major anxiety attacks and going out of control. So whenever it came to mutts, she never asked what I had done and I never told.
I felt her body fall into mine as she lost the energy to stand and I took her weight in my arms as she let out silent sobs. This was a regular reaction. I knew that Lyssa worried whenever I was away, it made her on edge. She once told me that she plays over the different scenarios of what could happen in her head. The worst one would be losing me. She cried for hours when she thought of that one.
We fell to the ground and I cradled her weak, fragile body and tried my best to keep my emotions in check. I was pretty good at it now. I had to be. We've been running for five years now and I knew how to handle situations like this one. As much as it killed m, I knew I had to be the strong one. I mean, what right did I have to be scared or upset when I had cause so much damage to my little princess?
I rocked Alyssa in my arms lightly whilst we were still on the floor and I felt more than heard her fall asleep. Her body stopped shaking, the only movements being the slight rise and fall of her shoulder as she breathed shallow in her slumber. With a sigh, I reached around and grabbed beneath her legs, lifting her up bridal style and carried her back into the bunker room. There was a wide single bed and two small bunk beds. The only bed that was slept in was the single. We always slept next to each other. Lyssa had nightmares and it was better that I be there when she wakes up to comfort her.
I lay her down gently and tugged the covers over her. Once she was settled, I lay next to her and tried to sleep.
Sleep took a long time to come of course. I lay there thinking about how I had messed up her life like I had thought about every other night.
I ruined my baby sister's life by making her a werewolf.
