It took a whole week for Cheryl to understand that all wasn't the way she wanted it to be. It had started with a simple argument when Van and Elena had visited, followed by a falling-out with Loretta about babysitting Jane. Both of them had accused her of being erratic and unbearable to be around, and when Loretta left, she said that she better sort the shit in her head, or she wouldn't come back to visit any more.

The more Cheryl tried to push Judd out of her mind, the more she kept thinking about him. Long before she admitted to herself that it was more than physical attraction that night in Whanganui, she knew why she was so miserable: she missed him. At the end of the week, she felt confused and strangely disconnected from everything around her, as if she was sleepwalking, unaware of people and places around her. She decided that she needed to see him, hopeful that this would bring some kind of closure to her.

It was on the same day, after she had come to the conclusion that she needed to see him again, when her friends Kasey and Rochelle talked her into going out for a drink at the Rusty. Cheryl was not in the mood to socialise, but she gave into her friends' demands anyway. After two drinks and half an hour of pretending to be interested in her girlfriends' chit-chat, she gave up.

"Listen, you two go and get yourself another drink. I'm going home."

Kasey grabbed Cheryl's arm and pulled her back down on her seat.

"No way, you're not going anywhere, Cher."

"We've barely started, honey," Rochelle said.

"I'm just not in the mood, I'll spoil your night if I stay."

Kasey indicated that it was time for some more drinks. Rochelle got up and made her way to the bar.

"Look Cheryl, I didn't know how to say it, but now that you mentioned it..."

"What?"

"You've been acting kind of weird lately, you know. It's been hard talking to you, not knowing if you would bite our heads off any minute."

Cheryl hated that her bad mood since her encounter with Wayne had not gone unnoticed by them, but all her efforts at trying to shake it off had failed so far.

"I know. I've been kind of...unsettled."

"Miserable, more like."

Kasey took the drinks off Rochelle who had returned, and looked back at Cheryl.

"So what's going on?"

Cheryl took a sip from her Rum and coke.

"I went down to Whanganui a couple of weeks ago."

"Whanganui? Why the fuck would you go there?" Rochelle asked.

Kasey kicked her shin under the table.

"You went to see Tama?"

"Yes."

"But you said you didn't want to go."

"Yes, but I changed my mind at the last minute."

"Who did you go with?"

"On my own."

Kasey put her arm around her and gave her a squeeze.

"Oh Cher, you should have told us. We would have come down with you."

"Poor you, doing that trip all on your own. No wonder you've been acting all weird."

Cheryl straightened herself up.

"It was okay. I needed some time with him on my own, you know, it's easier to..."

"Let go?"

She didn't want to talk about the renewed despair she felt when she stood by his grave.

"Mm. Easier to let go if you're alone."

They sat in silence, sucking on their straws. Cheryl hoped that this was it, and that they would find a different topic to talk about before she would make another attempt to leave. She got up to buy some chips, and when she returned, both Rochelle and Kasey stopped talking at the same time. Cheryl sat down and opened the packet, passing it around for the others to help themselves.

Rochelle grabbed a handful and shook her head.

"I still can't believe you drove down there all by yourself, spent time with Tama, and then came back all by yourself."

Cheryl shook her head.

"I wasn't by myself all the time."

"Why, you just said you went on your own."

"I did, but Wayne arrived as I was about to leave, so I spent some time with him."

"You spent time with Wayne?"

"Yeah, he was the one who had asked me in the first place, so it wasn't surprising to see him. I mean, he's his son as much as mine, right? And it was the second anniversary."

Cheryl could feel the hostility of her girlfriends towards Wayne. Unlike her, they had never been able to forgive him for hooking up with Pascalle.

"What did Wayne say when he saw you?"

"The same as you."

"I bet he was surprised to see you."

"He was. But then we went back to Tama and didn't talk much."

"Was he upset?"

"What do you think? Of course he was upset."

"I still think you should have asked one of us to come along. It would have been better than to spend time with him."

"Kasey, it's okay. I don't hate him."

"Well, you should."

The subject of Wayne had lead to heated discussions between them before, and neither of them carried on. Instead, Rochelle took over the inquisition.

"So then you left him there, and came back to Auckland?"

"Well..."

Rochelle picked up on something in Cheryl's look even though she had tried her best to appear casual.

"Well what?"

"It started to rain, and I got really cold so I went back to his motel to have a hot shower."

Kasey looked at Rochelle who looked at Cheryl before turning back to face Kasey.

"Cheryl, please tell me you didn't..."

"Didn't what?"

"Didn't fuck him."

Both sets of eyes were on her, waiting for her to tell them that she had been strong enough to resist the temptation of him lying next to her, to ignore the smell that was so uniquely his, to not let herself be led by her need for some closeness after a harrowing day spent at Tama's grave. They would be disappointed. No use trying to lie to her friends. They would find out anyway, and besides, it was nothing to be ashamed of.

"So what if I did?"

Kasey threw her hands up in exasperation.

"Cher, I can't believe you did this!"

"Cheryl! How could you?"

"It was quite easy, really," she laughed.

How things had changed! Her friends who used to be up for any one-night stand before settling down with their respective husbands had turned into a moral hit-squad.

Rochelle took a gulp from her drink.

"You know Cheryl, I hate to ask this, but I have to..."

"Go on."

"How could you let him touch you when he's been there, you know, with Pascalle?"

She was about to respond when Kasey doubled-up.

"Yeah, how could you bear his dick inside you when you know he's been inside her?"

Cheryl was too amused by their reactions to be shocked.

"Again, it was pretty easy, really."

"It was him, wasn't it?" Kasey said.

"Him?"

"He hit on you first? I mean, he started it and got you hooked, and before you knew it, you were shagging?"

"Actually, it was the other way around."

"Oh no, Cheryl!"

"How could you?"

"I was a wreck. I needed comfort, and what better way than to have sex?"

"Yeah, sex is understandable, but with him?"

"Who else would you suggest?"

"Anyone but him, of course, Cheryl."

"Well, it wasn't something I had planned but it turned out the way it did, and I don't regret it."

"So have you seen him since?"

"No."

"Good. Stay away from him, or he'll think he can have you any time he likes."

"Relax, Rochelle. It was just sex, right? Nothing more, just good old sex."

This was the perfect time for Cheryl to make a move. She picked up her bag, gave both of her girlfriends a hug and rushed away before neither of them could say anything else.