I don't own iCarly.
Dear Freddie,
I am very disappointed in you, Freddie. You should know that Sam is not going to talk to you for a while now. I advise you to lock all your doors and windows; I wouldn't put it past Sam to break into your room just to tell you in person how much of a nub you are.
But seriously Freddie? Why in the world would you ever think it would be a good idea to drop water balloons out of your window and onto your girlfriend/friend/I don't even know what you two are. If your mom wasn't there to ward her off with various mallets used to smash your food, I'm sure she would have hurt you very badly.
Anyway, I just wrote this letter to inform you that your girlfriend is currently running around my apartment with Gibby and yelling how she's going to kill you when she gets her hands on you. I'm scared that she's going to hurt Gibby. I really need help right now.
-Carly
Dear Freddork,
Let me make one thing clear before I continue on with this chizz: Momma is going to shank you when you least expect it. Watch your back.
Anyway, Carlotta wouldn't stop nagging me about talking to you. She keeps telling me that I need to stop taking my anger out on Gibby and talk through my problems and blah blah blah. Like that's going to happen. It's not my fault that Gibby is a poor and defenseless potato and doesn't know how to fight back.
Hey! You and the Gibster should start a club. You could call it the "Nubs That Are Poor and Defenseless Club."
What happened to your eight step plan to revenge? Dude, water balloons are like the lamest trick in the book. Even I know that and I don't read.
Never mind. Who am I kidding? It probably took you eight steps to plan out how to throw a water balloon. Nub.
Even though I am going to get you back with sweet and torturous revenge; I forgive you. On the way to school this morning I started talking to the hobo that lives on my street. His names Jack and he's really cool and wise. I guess not having a house or a job gives you a lot of free time to think about life and whatnot.
Jack was apparently drunk the whole time because he passed out in the middle of his sentence, but it reminded me of the time my aunt fell down the stairs. Ha ha, you should have seen her. She looked like a rabid cowboy monkey that slipped on a banana.
Anyway, that reminded me of the chili I ate in the hospital while I visited her and that got me thinking about how I spent all the money I had last night on food.
Then I realized: I don't have money! Whose money did I spend you ask? That's an easy question, Fredloser.
Yours.
I can just picture your nerdy face right now. Your eyebrows are all twitchy and they probably look like angry caterpillars right about now.
Momma took your wallet and spent all your money you were saving to buy that new laptop hard drive or whatever. So I guess I can forgive you.
Just remember to sleep with one eye open sweet stuff.
-Sam (a.k.a. The coolest, hottest girl you will ever meet.)
Dear Samantha,
Ooh. I am so scared. Your threats do not scare me in the least. As much as you hate to admit it, you care too much about me to hurt me.
Carly is right, you should leave Gibby out of this. Gibby is Gibby and doesn't understand the world outside of his head. Innocent minds need to be protected. We already have enough psychos in the world. Cough You cough.
First of all, it's "The Gibster and you" not "You and the Gibster". Second of all, I resent that. If Gibby and I did happen to create a club, it would be named "The Awesome Hot Dudes of iCarly".
And I'll have you know that my step was eight plans.
ONE. Sneak water balloons into the house without mom knowing.
Note: remember to hide them well so she won't find them during the weekly room search.
TWO. Test balloons with various amounts of water while mother sleeps.
THREE. Throw them from window and record findings so I will know the right amount of water to fill the balloons with and how fast they will fall.
FOUR. Wait until psycho girlfriend arrives.
FIVE. Measure out the angle and trajectory of the shot to make sure it arrives on target.
SIX. Drop balloons.
SEVEN. Take a moment and admire hot girlfriend while soaking wet.
EIGHT. Run.
See, I told you it took eight steps to carry out the perfect revenge plan.
Sam, I don't know how many times I have told you this. Stop talking to hobos! It is dangerous. I don't have to remind you about that poker game you had with all the hobos that I had to pick you up from. Just thinking about it makes me shudder.
I'm just going to ignore the whole section about bananas and cowboys and get right to the point… YOU BLONDE HEADED DEMON.
How dare you steal my money! Do you have any idea how hard it is to earn that type of cash? You know my mother only gives me so much so I won't buy a bus ticket and leave.
I don't understand what goes on inside your head. I really don't. I'm just going to end this letter before I end up saying some things that would result in you chopping me up and feeding me to your cat.
Love,
Freddie.
I'm back after a while of deciding whether or not to carry on with this. Should I keep it with just two chapters? Or carry on?
And thank you so much to everybody who reviewed the first chapter! It means so much to me!
Review, please?
