"Married?" He said the word as though he had no idea of its meaning. As soon as she had spoken he had let go of her and taken a step back.
"Kaidan I'm so sorry," she said desperate to erase the expression of betrayal on his face, "I thought you were dead. You were declared dead years ago. When I heard you were alive... it was such a shock." Kaidan's mind was spinning. He should have known, every so often a voice at the back of his mind had piped up to remind him of the possibility that she could have moved on. He had pushed it back down, too worried about whether she was alive to consider what it might mean if she was.
"I see." He said numbly.
"I waited Kaidan, I did, but it was hopeless. So many people tried to find the Normandy and there was nothing. I thought if such a vast search couldn't find you nothing would. I never thought I'd see you again." The words were rushing from her, there was no hint of her normal composure.
"I understand." He said in the same monotone.
"And there's noone... for you I mean?" She asked it almost hopefully.
"No." He replied flatly. "Not since you." She nodded, as soon as she'd heard he was alive she'd known there wouldn't have been. Part of her had hoped that he too would have found someone, that she hadn't been the only one to give up. That would have made the guilt easier. But she knew him, unless he'd seen her body himself he'd have clung to hope. When he'd walked in she'd immediately clocked the wedding ring on his finger and her heart had sunk.
"I didn't think I'd ever see you again." She repeated uselessly.
"I don't understand, surely we were still married. How were you able to marry someone else?"
"You were declared dead," she said, "so I was free to remarry."
"And you're happy?" He asked. She hesitated.
"Yes, I am." She said finally, "Thomas is a good man and we... we have two kids." Kaidan swallowed, not a recent thing then, nothing he could easily brush aside.
"How old?" He asked. She frowned.
"Three and six months. A girl and then a boy." She replied. He forced a smile calculating backwards, a year, that was the longest she could have waited.
"I... I will be happy for you," he said, trying to control his voice, "it's just a lot to take in."
"Of course, shall we sit? I can get you a drink. Take your time." She gestured at the chairs and went to a counter to prepare his coffee as he liked it. Kaidan sank into a chair, all his willpower going into not burying his head in his hands. He tried to tell himself he should be happy. It was true that things had not turned out perfectly but if someone had told him a month ago that she was alive and happy he would have been ecstatic. Telling himself that didn't help.
"How's the crew?" She asked as she handed him his cup.
"It's been hard," he replied honestly, "we lost some people early on."
"I know," she said, "I've seen the reports from the crews that found you and brought you back. How's the squad?"
"Vega's the same, still a big kid, he'll bounceback quickly. Joker struggled after we lost EDI, he barely talks to me but physically he's better than you'd expect given his condition. Liara seemed to find the whole thing fascinating, it was hard for her, knowing she'd be on her own at the end if we'd been stuck, but she hid it well. Tali struggled, it was hard without quarian healthcare but she had Garrus to take care of her. They're inseperable now. Chakwas had a lot of work, I think that kept her sane. Traynor... I don't know what we'd have done without her, she kept us organised from day one. Cortez lost a leg, he took it hard, but that was years back." Shepard bit her lip.
"I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you all." Kaidan snorted.
"I'm not. I wouldn't want you to have to go through something like that." She nodded and they trailed into silence.
"And here? I heard the gist of what you did, I'm so proud of you." She waved a hand dismissively.
"It was a team effort, you've all been awarded a lot of medals in your absence. It all seems a long time ago now, I barely feel like the same person."
"You look... I'm guessing you're not with the Alliance anymore." She ran her hands over her skirt self consciously.
"No, I was in the hospital for a long time afterwards, I didn't wake up for two months. Then there was a slow process of rehabilitation, the doctors were fantastic but it was a long road. I tried to go back to the Alliance when I was physically fit enough but I failed the psych evaluation. Twice. Turns out what we went through wasn't conducive to strong mental health." Her eyes were fixed on the ground, he wanted to take her hand but held himself back.
"You shouldn't be embarrassed, you gave more to the Alliance than anyone. It's not surprising that you weren't in a good place. You weren't the only one." Shepard nodded.
"It was a difficult time, I couldn't take the attention and the pressure, people were all over me all the time. I couldn't think about what to do next. It felt like... like I'd achieved the most important thing I ever could and everything I did from then on would be a disappointment. It was as though my life was over and I'd just failed to die when I should have done. I'd completely failed to plan for a life after the reapers, let alone after the Alliance. The only thing I thought was certain had vanished..." she glanced at him and he nodded his understanding. "So I left, went completely off grid. I settled in a frontier outpost and I met Thomas..."
"I don't think I'm ready to hear that part," Kaidan cut her off.
"Of course," she said, hurriedly changing the subject. "I went to see your mother when I was out of hospital. I wanted her to know how much you'd done to stop the reapers. She was so proud. She took your father's death well but your disappearance was more difficult for her. She never gave up looking for you."
"That was kind of you, thank you. Did you tell her about us?" Shepard shook her head.
"No, I didn't tell anyone on earth. There didn't seem any point with you still missing. I told her I was visiting the family of every member of the Normandy's crew. And then I felt I had to, so I did, at least as much as I could given how difficult travel was in those early days after the relays went down."
They made small talk, discussing the changes since the war with little interest. Kaidan had looked forward to telling her everything that had happened since they last saw one another, he wanted her to tell him that the decisions he'd made in her stead were the right ones. Now, he couldn't bear to tell her his fears and failings, it felt too intimate. He watched her as she talked, he could see her relaxing as time went on, clearly she had been tense about telling him the truth. Now she was regaining some of her self-assurance, as she did she looked more and more like the Shepard he remembered. He couldn't bear it.
"I should go," he said when there was a lull, "my mother has been waiting a long time."
"Oh," she said startled, "of course. Perhaps we could have lunch tomorrow?" She suggested. He checked the time.
"That may be difficult. It's already late, I doubt that my family will want to let me out of their sight so soon." Shepard laughed.
"Dinner then? I'm only in town for a few days, we had to take the kids out of school at short notice. I'm told there's a great sushi place nearby..." she trailed off as his expression darkened, "you don't want to?"
"I want to, I want to very much. I think that's why we shouldn't." She frowned.
"I see. Kaidan I really want us to be friends." He shook his head.
"I don't want to be your friend Alexa." He said flatly, she bit her lip.
"We have things to talk about."
"I can't see what, the crew is here, you can talk to them if you want to know the details of what happened. Our personal relationship seems to be over. We won't be working together. I think we've already said all we need to to each other. For the time being at least, maybe we can meet when things have had time to settle but for now I think it's best to keep our distance."
"If dinner's too much we can just get drinks..." she suggested hopefully.
"Alexa it's not a good idea." She sighed in frustration.
"I need to talk to you Kaidan."
"Anything you need to say you can say now." He said firmly. She paused, obviously considering.
"I really didn't want to do this today," she said annoyance clear in her voice. "I wanted to give you some time to think things through. I have had a lawyer consider our situation. It appears that technically speaking we are still married, obviously the declaration of your death has been overturned. It seems that means that my current marriage is invalid. I'm sure you agree that makes no sense. So in order to get things back on track we'll need to get a divorce." As she spoke she had retrieved a folder from the counter and held it out to him. He looked at it but didn't take it.
"You want to divorce me?" She winced.
"I wouldn't put it that way..." she protested.
"Let's not quibble, that's what your saying."
"It's not that I want to divorce you. I just want the legal situation to reflect reality. In reality I'm married to somebody else."
"Maybe in your reality, in mine I'm married to you," he snapped.
"Don't make this difficult," she begged.
"I am not making this difficult. It is difficult, I'm not making it that way. Alexa, until a couple of hours ago I had a wife that I adored and finally had some hope for a future. Forgive me if I'm finding this trying." His words were clipped.
"I understand that. I do. But this is happening, it's much easier if you just sign the forms but if you don't it will still happen. I have a life, a family, and I have to protect that. I'm so sorry that things have turned out like this, it wasn't what I wanted."
"Fine," he snapped snatching the file from her hand and slamming it onto the glass table which shook with the impact. He opened it and began reading. His heart was thundering. He felt panic. He desperately didn't want to sign it, but it was just a piece of paper, if he refused to sign it wouldn't change anything.
"You're going to read it all?" She asked uncertainly.
"Of course," he said without looking up, "my father taught me never to sign something I haven't read."
"It's all fairly standard," she said sitting back down opposite him, "I haven't asked for anything." He met her eyes.
"Asked for anything?" He said in confusion.
"Money I mean," she said awkwardly and he let out a bitter chuckle.
"Quite frankly Alexa I couldn't care less. I'm sure there's not much left anyway after the war."
"Kaidan... of course you wouldn't know. You should talk to your mother about that, there's a lot. A hell of a lot. You could see the greed in my lawyer's eyes as soon as I mentioned your last name. When I told her I didn't want any of it she bit my head off." Kaidan shrugged, thoroughly disinterested in the information and went back to reading the document while she waited in silence. She was right, the document was standard, terse and matter of fact. Until he got to the section headed "reason for divorce".
"Desertion?" He said angrily, "do you seriously expect me to sign a document that said I deserted you?"
"It seemed the most appropriate option..." she said weakly.
"I don't know," he said sarcastically, "adultery sounds more appropriate to me." Shepard grimaced.
"That is not fair." She said. "As far as I knew you were dead, it was hardly adultery."
"I wasn't dead. And you're telling me we were legally married. And you had two kids with another man. That sounds like adultery to me." Kaidan's voice was harsh. "I am not signing something that says I deserted you."
"Fine," she snapped, "put whatever you want, I don't care what it says so long as you sign it."
"Pen," he said tersely, extending a hand, she handed him a pen. He crossed out the word 'desertion' and hesitated. With a sigh he wrote 'irreconcilable differences' in neat script. He looked down at the page again.
"Are you sure about this?" He said meeting her gaze. She paused and then nodded. "I don't want to do this." He said hopelessly.
"You need to." She said, her voice soft. He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them and pressed his signature firmly into each page. As he finished he flipped the file closed and held it out to her. "I never thought we would end up like this," she said.
"No. Nor did I. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, that's plenty. Thank you Kaidan, I really appreciate it." He nodded.
"I should go."
"It was good to see you," she said lamely. He stood and she hurried to join him, "if you change your mind about tomorrow just let me know."
"Thank you."
"Just... please don't tell anyone that I'm here. I'll seek out some of the crew but it's important. I don't like the attention."
"Fine," they hovered awkwardly by the door until she rolled her eyes and pulled him into a hug. He closed his eyes, his hand was buried in her hair, he could smell her shampoo, coconut. He held her body close to his, unwilling to let go. She didn't pull away, her heart thudded, she didn't want him to go. But she knew he had to. She stepped back.
"I am sorry it worked out like this. I am so glad that you're safe."
"I know, and I'm glad you're happy," he said it softly and she smiled. He left the room and closed the door behind him swiftly. He kept a brisk pace as he walked away conscious of the door guards watching him go. He had not expected this. He needed a drink. He needed to sleep for a week. He needed to find a way to forget.
