ACT I: TWILIGHT
(The curtain is down, and there is a big clock and a sign for Grand Seattle Airport. STEPHENIE is singled out by her own light, writing on a desk, where she stays throughout the play, unless otherwise specified. Starting notes of "Just Arrived" (from the musical Copacabana) starts to play in the background as she delivers her first lines.)
STEPHENIE: Her name was…. Stephen-, I mean, Bella. She was from…. Phoenix. Yeah, just arrived, Grand Seattle Airport, two suitcases in hand, and a hole in her heart.
(Scene fades to dark as the curtain and signs for Grand Seattle Airport are lifted to reveal the cafeteria of Forks High School. BELLA descends the stairs that are mounted on center stage. She is followed by ANGELA, LEAH, and JESSICA, each one holding a backpack in a different color.)
BELLA:
JUST ARRIVED, GATE SEVENTEEN
ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX, ARI-NOWHERE
WHERE'S MY DAD'S POLICE PATROL?
WHERE'S HIS RAINY TOWN?
JUST IN TIME TO TAKE THE BUS
AND YES, MY KNEES ARE SHAKING
I'M FALLING APART
IT ALL STARTS NOW
I CAN SEE MY BIG FAT MISTAKE
I WON'T ALLOW
ANY BOYS TO GET TO ME
DON'T ASK ME HOW
BUT BEFORE TOO LONG,
I'LL BE AWAY FROM HERE
IT TOTALLY SUCKS
I'VE JUST ARRIVED
JUST ARRIVED, GATE SEVENTEEN
ALL THE WAY FROM PHOENIX, ARIZONA
ANGELA:
JUST ARRIVED, GATE TWENTY FOUR
ALL THE WAY FROM PORT ANGELES
LEAH:
ALL THE WAY FROM LA PUSH RESERVATION
BELLA:
THOUGH I'M TOTALLY IMMATURE
I CHOSE TO COME TO THIS HELL HOLE
WHEN I LEFT, I LEFT MY MOM BEHIND
LEAH:
JUST IMAGINE, HERE I AM
HAIRIEST GIRL IN ALL THE REZ
BELLA, ANGELA, JESSICA & LEAH:
THE KID THEY ALL MADE FUN OF
IS ONE OF A KIIIIIND
IT ALL STARTS NOW
LOOK WHO'S CURRENTLY APPEARING
THIS GIRL'S NO WOW
ALL THE GOSSIP GIRLS AGREE
I'LL TAKE MY VOW
AND BEFORE TOO LONG
I'LL GET IN SOME BOY'S PANTS
ERICK OR MIKE
I'VE JUST ARRIVED
JESSICA, LEAH, ANGELA & FEMALE CLASSMATES:
HEY HEY!
WHICH WAY'S TRIG CLASS?
BELLA:
SOMEBODY SAID I AM GONNA BE YOUR PROM QUEEN!
LEAH, ANGELA & FEMALE CLASSMATES:
YOU'RE SO LUCKY AND SO PRETTY!
BELLA:
SOMEBODY SAID I AM GONNA BE YOUR PROM QUEEN!
(Music ends slowly as the CULLENS enter the cafeteria and descend the stairs very slowly. "Thriller" starts. Wind machines are visible at the bottom of the stairs. The Cullens walk slowly in time with the music, JASPER holding ALICE, EMMETT holding ROSALIE, and EDWARD by himself at the back. MIKE gets to the front, wearing a single white glove and impersonating Michael Jackson as he sings. The CULLENS walk around like they are modeling on a runway, and just being generally attractive, while the rest of the CLASSMATES gasp as they come near them.)
MIKE:
IT'S CLOSE TO LUNCH TIME
AND SOMETHING WEIRD IS LURKING IN THE DARK
UNDER THE CLOUD LIGHT, YOU SEE A SIGHT THAT ALMOST STOPS YOUR HEART
YOU TRY TO SCREAM, BUT THEIR HOTNESS IS ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU QUIET
YOU START TO FREEZE AS THE CULLENS LOOK YOU RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES
YOU HAVE BEEN DAZZLED
CAUSE THEY'RE THE CULLENS, HERE FOR LUNCH TIME
AND NO ONE'S GONNA SAVE YOU FROM THESE HOTTIES 'BOUT TO STRIKE
AND THEY'RE THE CULLENS, HERE FOR LUNCH TIME
YOU'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE BECAUSE THE CULLENS ARE HERE
(Music continues in the background as EDWARD descends the last stairs and bumps into BELLA.)
BELLA: Hi.
EDWARD: Hi.
BELLA: You're pretty.
EDWARD: Go away. (starts to look sick and runs to his brothers' table)
BELLA: But I smell like strawberries, dammit! (Goes to sit down with ANGELA and JESSICA)
BELLA: Who are they?
(Music changes subtly to "Nicest Kids in Town", from the musical Hairspray)
ANGELA: They're the Cullens.
JESSICA: Totally hot, totally out of your league.
ANGELA: You mean out of YOUR league. They're, like, the nicest kids in town.
JESSICA: It's not like I care. (looks like she does care)
(VAMPIRES go to center stage as CARLISLE enters the room and sings from the top of the stairs. All the vampires dance a routine that is very reminiscent of what the kids do in the Corny Collins Show in "Hairspray". They are all smiling, except Edward, who dances with a pained expression in his face.)
CARLISLE:
Oh, every afternoon
When the clock strikes two
VAMPIRES:
blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
CARLISLE:
A crazy bunch of vamps
Crash through that door yeah
VAMPIRES:
blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
CARLISLE:
Well they throw off their capes
And leave the fangs behind
And then they bite it, bite it, bite it
Like they're losing their mind
You'll never see them sleep
'Cause they're the nicest vamps in town
VAMPIRES:
ooooh oooooh oooh
CARLISLE:
So every afternoon
You read your crappy book
VAMPIRES:
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah
CARLISLE:
And we know you drool about us
When your best friends are gone, yeah
VAMPIRES:
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah
CARLISLE:
And then you twist and shout
For your favorite vamp
And when you've practiced every line
That's in your repertoire
You better come on down
And meet the nicest vamps in town
Nice pale vamps
Who like to lead the way
And once a month
We have our "werewolf day!"
And I'm the vamp who keeps it spinnin' round
Dr. Carlisle Cullen
With the latest, greatest Washington sound!!!
So every afternoon
Drop everything woo!
VAMPIRES:
Blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
CARLISLE:
Who needs to go to college
When you have Renesmée
VAMPIRES:
Blood-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba
CARLISLE:
Forget about your science
And geometry
You can always do your homework
in a century
Can't tell a verb from a noun
They're the nicest vamps in town
Roll Call!!
(all the VAMPIRES get in line, and say their name when it is their turn. Each one has a distinctive pose, much like in the original song.)
VAMPIRES:
I'M ALICE!
JASPER!
ROSALIE!
EMMETT!
ESME!
LAURENT!
VICTORIA!
JAMES!
TANYA!
IRINA!
ALEC, CHELSEA, AFTON, CORIN, DEMETRI, Aro, FELIX!
CARMEN!
KATE!
AND I'M...EDWARD!
(HUMAN GIRLS scream like they're losing their minds)
CARLISLE:
So, if every night you're stalking
instead of being in bed
VAMPIRES:
bloody bloody, ooh bloody bloody
CARLISLE:
And the veins and arts
Are pumping with your blood
VAMPIRES:
Bloody-bloody, ooh, bloody-bloody
CARLISLE:
Who cares about sleep
When you can snooze in school?
You'll never get to college
But you'll sure look hot
Don't need a cap and a gown
When you're the nicest vamps in town
Nicest vamps in...
vamps in town!
Woo!
(CARLISLE and VAMPIRES end their song in Broadway-style poses in center stage.)
BELLA: Hmm, I have this hunch… Maybe, just maybe, these people could be vampires… or something.
JESSICA: Oh please, get real.
ANGELA: Yeah, who would get an idea like THAT?
LEAH: That Edward guy sure is hot, though
(JESSICA, BELLA & ANGELA stare at LEAH. HUMAN GIRLS stand up and continue the song, "Just Arrived", they stopped when the Cullens entered the room.)
BELLA, LEAH, AND ANGELA:
THIS IS MY BOYFRIEND,
EVEN THOUGH HE DOESN'T KNOW IT
AND I'M SURE HE'S GONNA FACE IT
AND IT'S TIME I GET HIM
IT ALL STARTS NOW
(BELLA: RIGHT NOW!)
LOOK WHO'S CURRENTLY APPEARING
(BELLA: I CAN SEE OUR FUTURE WEDDING!)
THIS GIRL'S A WOW
(LEAH: I KNOW!)
ALL THE GOSSIP GIRLS AGREE
(ANGELA: NO WAY ANYONE IS GONNA TAKE MY ERICK AWAY FROM ME! WHOA WHOA!)
I'LL TAKE MY BOW
(BELLA: OH WOW! THAT'S ME! I'LL BE MRS. CULLEN!)
AND MY SCHOOL WILL ALL BE CHEERING JUST FOR ME!
BELLA:
HE'S JUST SO HOT
I AM REVIVED
NOW, PHOENIX OR FORKS
I'VE JUST ARRIVED!
HEY FORKS!
I'VE JUST ARRIVED!
ANGELA: Hurry Bella, we need to get to Bio class!
(Music comes to an end with the whole class in Broadway poses as the Cullens ignore them. Bell rings and STUDENTS stand up to go to class. CURTAIN CLOSES)
(BELLA arrives at science class. Classroom looks like a disco, everyone dancing on their desks, including SCIENCE TEACHER, who is dressed like Elvis in a sequined lab coat. EDWARD sits still on his chair, ignoring the rest of the class, staring at his hands, which are rested on the desk in front of him.)
SCIENCE TEACHER: Hi Bella!
BELLA: Hi Prof!
SCIENCE TEACHER: You wanna learn some stuff?
BELLA: Sure, Prof!
SCIENCE TEACHER: Jump in!
BELLA:
I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD
LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING
YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH
THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT
SCIENCE TEACHER:
COME ON BELLA, LETS START LEARNING!
BELLA:
I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD
MYTHOCONDRIA, GOLGI SYSTEM
YOU CAN STARE AT THEM, IN A MICROSCOPE
EVERYBODY LISTEN, IT'S AN ECOSYSTEM
I'M A SMART, UGLY GIRL IN THIS CRUEL NEW WORLD
TEACH ME STUFF, I DON'T CARE, I'M NO NERD
SCIENCE TEACHER:
YOU'RE MY GIRL, ROCK N ROLL, FEEL THE MICROSCOPE LENS
HEAR ME TALK, LOOK AROUND, PASS THE TEST
BELLA:
TEACH ME STUFF, I DON'T CARE, IF YOU SAY I'M NOT A NERD
OOH OH OH
I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD
LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING
YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH
THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT
SCIENCE TEACHER: COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!
BELLA: AH AH AH, YEAH
SCIENCE TEACHER: COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!
BELLA: OOH OH OOH! OOH OH OOH!
SCIENCE TEACHER: COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!
BELLA: AH AH AH, YEAH
SCIENCE TEACHER: COME ON BELLA, SIT WITH EDWARD!
BELLA: OOH OH OOH! OOH OH OOH!
(Music continues in the background)
BELLA: Oh Prof, I'm having so much fun!
SCIENCE TEACHER: Well Bella, just shut up and do the assignment.
BELLA: I love science! (sits with EDWARD. He looks sick and doesn't want to be next to her)
EDWARD: I, uh, have to go.
BELLA: What do you mean? (outraged)
EDWARD: Bye. (Leaves)}
BELLA: Fine! (Stands up on desk, takes lab robe off to reveal silver clothes)
I'M A SCIENCE GIRL, IN A SCIENCE WORLD
LIFE IN CLASSES, IT'S SO DAZZLING
YOU CAN READ MY NOTES, I AM NOT A NERD, THOUGH
THEY'RE SO LAME, SOMEONE KICK THEM OUT
(Classmates & BELLA dance for the remaining bit of the song. When it ends, EDWARD stands up quickly, and leaves the room in a rush. BELLA looks at him leave with a pained expression in her face. FADE OUT & CURTAIN)
(ANGELA, JESSICA, and BELLA are hanging out at the cloudy courtyard, sitting on a bench. ANGELA is reading "Twilight", JESSICA is smoking a cigarette, BELLA is weeping dramatically)
ANGELA: Hey Bella, what's wrong?
BELLA: Edward Cullen is, like, my labmate, he's totally hot, and he's, like, totally ignoring me.
JESSICA: (smokes cigarette) Get used to it, honey.
BELLA: It's just not cool, I think I, like, need to confront him. (crosses arms and frowns)
JESSICA: If I had a bra for every time he's ignored me, I'd be in the freaking Victoria's Secret fashion show. (BELLA and ANGELA stare at JESSICA)
ANGELA: She's got a point.
BELLA: I don't care, he, like, needs to know who's the boss, you know?
JESSICA: Or what? You'll die trying?! (smiles maniacally, hopeful)
BELLA: (Looks at the audience dramatically) If that's what it takes… but I'm willing to wait a few books anyway.
CLASSMATES SITTING AROUND THEM: ARGH! (Walk away)
(EDWARD walks out, sees BELLA, and turns around to go back inside.)
BELLA: Hey! You! We need to talk!
EDWARD: Go away.
("7 Things", by Miley Cyrus, starts to play, as BELLA positions herself in center stage. Bella says "Shut up" where Miley Cyrus says "sha".)
BELLA:
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO SAY THIS
THAT AT TIMES I GET SO MAD
WHEN I THINK ABOUT THE LABMATE
RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE
IT IS AWESOME, BUT I'VE LOST IT
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE FOR ME NOT TO CARE
AND NOW WE'RE STANDING IN THE COURTYARD
AND NOTHING'S EVER GONNA CHANGE UNTIL YOU HEAR
MY DEAR
THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU, OH YOU!
YOUR HAIR
YOUR ABS
YOUR GOLDEN EYES
YOUR SKIN IS COLD AS ICE
YOU MAKE ME FAINT
YOU MAKE ME STALK
I GUESS THAT'S HOW I SHOW MY LOVE
YOUR BROS, THEY'RE HOT
WHEN YOU SIT WITH THEM, JUST KNOW IT HURTS
I WANNA BE WITH THE ONE I STALK
AND THE SEVENTH THING I LIKE THE MOST ABOUT YOU,
YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOU
EDWARD: Uh, that's like nine things.
BELLA: Shut up!
IT'S AWKWARD AND IT'S QUIET
AS WE SIT IN SCIENCE CLASS
WHAT I NEED YOU TO SAY NOW
IS HOW YOU LOVE ME BACK
IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT
IT'S NOT PROBLEM
I'M A STALKER
I CAN STALK YOU ANYWAY
OH I AM COMING BACK
YOU AIN'T TAKING SEVEN STEEEPS YEAAAH….
THE SEVEN THINGS I LIKE ABOUT YOU!
YOUR HAIR
YOUR ABS
YOUR GOLDEN EYES
YOUR SKIN IS COLD AS ICE
YOU MAKE ME FAINT
YOU MAKE ME STALK
I GUESS THAT'S HOW I SHOW MY LOVE
YOUR BROS, THEY'RE HOT
WHEN YOU SIT WITH THEM, JUST KNOW IT HURTS
I WANNA BE WITH THE ONE I STALK
AND THE SEVENTH THING I LIKE THE MOST ABOUT YOU,
YOU MAKE ME LOVE YOU
EDWARD: Shut up!
BELLA: YOU DO OOOOH OOOOOH OOOOH
(EDWARD looks around, all freaked out that BELLA is singing like that, and telling him those things. Music ends.)
EDWARD: Well hello there. (smiles)
BELLA: What? You like me now?
EDWARD: Oh yes. I can't live without you now. I am bipolar like that.
BELLA: Hmm… Okay, works for me. Wanna go to La Push this weekend?
EDWARD: Uh, no.
BELLA: Meh, okay.
(FADE OUT &CURTAIN).
(They are now in the La Push beach. Humans have a picnic, as the WEREWOLVES approach them, dressed in stereotypically Native American clothes.)
JACOB: Hey Bella.
BELLA: Uh, who are you? (not being nice)
JACOB: I'm that weird kid that used to chase you around with mud pies a few years ago. I'm younger than you, but you're, like, totally hot.
BELLA: Aw thanks. Is that all you've got? (disdainful)
JACOB: No, I have random werewolf stories too, wanna hear them? (desperate for BELLA's attention)
BELLA: Whatever, Pocahontas.
(WEREWOLVES start walking in military-inspired formations, music for "Who let the Dogs out", by Baha Men, starts.)
JACOB:
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
When the tribe was old, and all ancient (WEREWOLVES: Hey, Yippie, ah ooh)
And everybody havin' a ball (WEREWOLVES: Hah, ho, Yippie ah ooh)
I tell the pale ones "get the hell out" (WEREWOLVES: Yippie ah ooh)
And the guys report to the call
The poor tribe wolves down
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
BELLA: So you all are, like, werewolves?
JACOB: Yeah, but that's not the point.
BELLA: What is the point, kid?
JACOB: Did you not listen to the first couple of songs in this play? That Edward guy is a vampire, dude. He's really dangerous (moves his hands to emphasize the word "dangerous").
BELLA: Oh. Okay wait, you lost me. (very distracted)
JACOB: Just don't have sex with the vampire. (annoyed)
BELLA: WHY NOT?! Wait, who's the vampire, again?
JACOB: Sigh. One more time.
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
Say, a vampire's nothing if he doesn't get blood (WEREWOLVES: All vampires drink blood, oh yes they drink blood)
Edward is nothing if he doesn't drink your blood (WEREWOLVES: All vampires drink blood, oh yes they drink blood)
(WEREWOLVES dance around with ethnic-looking drums and weapons)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
BELLA: So what you're saying is… Edward is totally hot?
JACOB: Are you even listening?
BELLA: Not really. Your bod is too distracting, you stud.
JACOB: Dude, I'm 15.
BELLA: Whatever. (rolls eyes)
JACOB:
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
Who let the wolves out
(WEREWOLVES: woof, woof, woof, woof)
(Music comes to an end as JESSICA & ANGELA approach BELLA, giving JACOB dirty looks. The rest of the werewolves settle down to their own small picnics or leave the stage.)
ANGELA: (interrupts) Hey Bella, we're going to Port Angeles to shop for no particular reason, because that's what teenage girls do, you know? Wanna get away from the weird kid-, I mean, come with us?
BELLA: Sure! But I totally don't want a dress. SO EMBARRASSING.
JESSICA: Whatever, jump in.
BELLA: Uhm, bye kid. (doesn't really mind leaving him there)
JACOB: Bye! We should totally get together in the next book! (very excited)
(BELLA leaves JACOB behind, and runs away with JESSICA and ANGELA as the music for "Barbie Girl" plays softly in the background. FADE OUT & CURTAIN)
(BELLA & CLASSMATES are now in their school's parking lot, she is reading and ignoring her friends.)
BELLA: Ohmygod, Edward is a vampire! Who would've thought?!
CLASSMATES: Uhm, all of us?
BELLA: Whatever, I'm a special snowflake. (disdainful)
JESSICA: Yes, we are aware of your special needs. (smokes cigarette)
(BELLA approaches EDWARD, who is hanging out with his siblings.)
BELLA: You're, like, some kind of bloodsucking vampire, right?
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: Ohmygod, yes you are.
EDWARD: No, I am not.
BELLA: Ugh, fine! (runs crying to her truck, and sits on the floor next to it. Music for "The New Girl in Town" starts. JESSICA, ANGELA and LAUREN sing from center stage.)
JESSICA, ANGELA & LAUREN:
Hey look out for Tyler's van
Driving down our streets
You better lock up your man
Before he meets
The new girl in Forks
(JESSICA: Who just came on the scene)
The new girl in Forks
(JESSICA: Can't be more than eighteen)
And she's got a way of makin'
A boy act like a clown
Wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo
We don't know what to do
'Bout the new girl in Forks
The new girl in Forks
(ANGELA: Seems to dance on feet)
The new girl in Forks
(LAUREN: She's got the palest skin)
You better tell the homecoming queen
To hold on to her crown
Wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo,wo-oo
Or she's gonna lose it to
The new girl in Forks
(ANGELA: She's HIP
LAUREN:so cool)
(JESSICA: I'm gonna get her after school!)
And yet we'd hate to be like her
'Cause she's the dinner
That the vamps prefer
(LEAH, SUE, and EMILY take the center of the stage, pushing ANGELA, JESSICA and LAUREN aside. Meanwhile, TYLER's van is parked on the right of the stage, and BELLA's truck is on the left.)
LEAH: Two words: Step aside.
LEAH, SUE & EMILY:
The new girl in Forks
(LEAH: Has my guy on a string)
The new girl in Forks
(EMILY: Hey look she's with the hot vamp)
I can't stop crying and so
In my own tears I'm gonna drown
Woof woof woof woof
(LEAH: Cause he wants to rendezvous)
With the new girl
(EMILY: We kinda sad and blue)
Yes it's true girl
We'd like to say...
To the new girl in Forks
The new girl in Forks
Woof woof woof woof
From out of the BLUE girl
This town's in a shake girl
What a freakin dumb girl
She ain't just passing through girl
She's sticking like glue girl
To the man I thought I knew girl
Woof woof woof woof
Hey look out for Tyler's van
Look out, look out. Look out, look out!
(TYLER's van, which is made out of something extremely light like papier marché, slides towards BELLA, and EDWARD kicks it out of the way effortlessly, but hiding BELLA with it. Dramatic silence.)
SHE WAS THE NEW GIRL IN…
(BELLA comes out from behind the van)
BELLA:I'm okay!
CLASSMATES: DAMN! (annoyed and loud)
BELLA: Ohmygod I hate crowds! I need an ambulance!
(Ambulance arrives and technicians put a neck brace on BELLA. CHARLIE arrives)
CHARLIE: Uh, you okay?
BELLA: Yeah Charlie. Don't worry about me.
CHARLIE: Cool, now call your mom and tell her.
BELLA: I was in deadly danger and you told my mom about it? Ugh, you are, like, so uncool, Dad.
CHARLIE: I know, I'm a parent, my job is to make your life much harder. (smiles and pats her shoulder. BELLA screams in exagerated pain)
EDWARD: Bella, come with me.
CHARLIE: Don't mind me. I'm just your dad, I have no authority whatsoever.
(Everyone leaves the scene, as the scene changes to a meadow full of flowers, where BELLA & EDWARD have a moment together.)
EDWARD: So you know what I am?
BELLA: Spiderman?
EDWARD: No.
BELLA: Superman?
EDWARD: No. Sigh, didn't you listen to Carlisle's song earlier?
BELLA: Why does everybody keep telling me that?! My life isn't some kind of musical!
EDWARD: It was pretty well, that's about it.
BELLA: Oh okay… So are you Iron Man?
EDWARD: No. (facepalm) I am a vampire. I have no personality, yet I am incredibly charming according to your biased opinion. Since you're the center of the world and everything.
BELLA: Oooh, that totally makes sense! You're, like, so hot.
CLASSMATES: (come out from all sides of the scene briefly) ABOUT TIME YOU FIGURED IT OUT, AIRHEAD! (go back inside)
EDWARD: I want you to see what I look like in the light.
BELLA: Uhm, okay.
(Glitter starts falling over EDWARD like snow)
BELLA: Ohmygod you're so beautiful and perfect and hot and beautiful and ohmygod perfect.
EDWARD: I AM A KILLER. (dramatic emphasis on the word "killer")
BELLA: Whatever, wanna make out?
EDWARD: Hmm. Okay. But after I tell you how I feel about you.
(The music for "You're Beautiful", by James Blunt, starts playing. EDWARD grabs a microphone mounted on center stage and starts singing, showing the least emotion possible, but moving a lot towards BELLA.)
My bod is sparkly
My love is dumb
I saw an angel.
Wait, it was you
You smiled at me at science class
You were with another man
singing some weird song
'I want your for me
You're prettyful, You're prettyful.
You're prettyful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I know I'll be with you.
Yeah, you caught my eye,
You smelled really good.
You could see from my face that I was,
freakin bland
And I do know that I'll see you again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're prettyful. You're prettyful.
You're prettyful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I know I'll be with you.
You're prettyful. You're prettyful.
You're prettyful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
You should never be with me.
EDWARD: And uhm, I want you to meet my family.
BELLA: But what if they don't like me?!
EDWARD: You smell good, they'll love you, we haven't had human blood in yea- Oh wait, you didn't mean that, am I right?
BELLA: Doesn't matter, come 'ere.
(BELLA & EDWARD kiss as the scene fades to black and the curtain drops)
(BELLA & EDWARD enter the CULLEN mansion holding hands. The mansion is white, and has very little furniture, except for a white piano and large stairs in the center of the stage. Can be the same stairs used in the cafeteria, but adapted to look more luxurious, like the mansion itself.)
EDWARD: I need to go contemplate the misery of my immortality, I shall be right back.
BELLA: Sure honey!
(BELLA sits on a white couch at the left of the stage. ROSALIE enters the room from the top of the stairs, and BELLA stares at her in amazement. "Vogue", by Madonna, starts playing.)
ROSALIE:
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
(ROSALIE strikes various couture poses as more female vampires come out behind her and do the same. ALICE, ESME, TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN & KATE are behind her, at first in silhouette only, striking a new pose with every word)
Strike a pose.
Strike a pose.
Vogue, vogue, vogue
Vogue, vogue, vogue
Look around everywhere you turn is hotness
It's everywhere that you go (VAMPIRES: look around)
You try everything you can to escape
The ugliness that you own (VAMPIRES: life that you know)
When all else fails and you long to be
Something better than you are today
I know a bite that will make it go away
It's being a vampire, and here's what it's for, so
(FEMALE VAMPIRES walk to the front of the stage in line, like on a runway. ALICE is wearing a metallic bandage dress and leggings. ESME is dressed in a 50's-style frock with an apron and her hair in a beehive. TANYA, IRINA, CARMEN, & KATE are wearing fur coats. ROSALIE is wearing a sparkly, red evening gown)
Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music (VAMPIRES: move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (VAMPIRES: go with the flow)
You know you can do it
All you need is to get a vampire hickey
So use it that's what it's for (VAMPIRES: that's what it's for)
Go inside, for your finest inspiration
Your dreams will open the door (VAMPIRES: open up the door)
(ROSALIE and FEMALE VAMPIRES start voguing in BELLA's general direction. ROSALIE is trying to intimidate her, BELLA is stunned.)
It makes no difference if you're black or white
If you're a boy or a girl
If the venom's pumping it will give you new life
You're a hot vampire, yes, that's what you are, you know it
Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music (VAMPIRES: move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (VAMPIRES: go with the flow)
You know you can do it
Beauty's where you find it
Not just where you bump and grind it
Soul is not in the musical
That's where I feel so beautiful
Magical, life's a ball
So get up on the mansion
Come on, vogue
Let your body move to the music (VAMPIRES: move to the music)
Hey, hey, hey
Come on, vogue
Let your body go with the flow (VAMPIRES: go with the flow)
You know you can do it
Vogue, (VAMPIRES:Vogue)
Beauty's where you find it (VAMPIRES: move to the music)
Vogue, (VAMPIRES:Vogue)
Beauty's where you find it (VAMPIRES: go with the flow)
Lindsay Lohan, and Hillary
Britney and Christina
Blake Lively, Leighton Meester
On the cover of a magazine
Ashley Tisdale; and Demi
Picture of a beauty queen
JONAS BROTHERS, Taylor Swift
MIley Cyrus, dance on air.
They have style, they have grace
Alexis Bledel gave good face
Anne Hathaway, Selena too
Amanda Bynes, we love you
Ladies with an attitude
Vampires that were hotness too
Don't just stand there, let's get to it
Strike a pose, there's nothing to it
Vogue, vogue, vogue, vogue
Oooh, you've got to
Let your body move to the music
Oooh, you've got to just
Let your body go with the flow
Oooh, you've got to just,
Vogue!
(Music ends with ROSALIE on center stage, posing in a very aloof manner, and the rest of the female vampires around her, doing the same.)
BELLA: Whoa… You guys are, like, so hot.
(EDWARD enters the room from behind BELLA's couch)
EDWARD: I am back.
BELLA: Oh hey, how'd the soul search go?
EDWARD: Same as always, my soul is dammed. Oh hi Rosalie, Alice, Esme, Tanya, Irina, Kate, Carmen.
ROSALIE: What is the human doing here? (disgusted)
ESME: Does she want cookies? (cheerful)
EDWARD: Bella is my girlfriend now.
ROSALIE: WELL THAT IS JUST GREAT! (breaks a vase)
EDWARD: Bella, you can ignore Rosalie. I do. She's kind of a bitch.
ROSALIE: Hey, don't spoil my next song!
EDWARD: Oh, sorry. Uhm, we have to go.
BELLA: You mean this is it? Are your parents all these hot lesbians or something?
EDWARD: Oh, right, there's also Carlisle, Jasper, and Emmett. (CARLISLE, JASPER & EMMETT come out briefly, say hi to the audience, and leave again.)
TANYA: Oh, uhm, we're outta here. We kindda don't make an appearance until three books later. Tootles!
ESME: Bye chickies! We must get together again sometime!
CARLISLE: Bella, we only met you a few minutes ago, but you're part of the family now!
BELLA: Yay!
("We are family", by Sister Sledge, starts to play. The CULLENS make a formation around BELLA, who remains in the center)
ESME: Yes, we love you now, Bella!
CULLENS:
WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS
(BELLA: EXCEPT ME!)
I GOT ALL THE FAM WITH ME
WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS
(BELLA: EXCEPT ME!)
BELLA IS NOW ONE OF US
WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS
(BELLA: EXCEPT ME!)
I GOT ALL THE FAM WITH ME
WE ARE BLOODSUCKERS
(BELLA: EXCEPT ME!)
GET READY FOR THE NEW CULLENS!
(Song ends with the CULLENS & BELLA in Broadway poses in center stage, CURTAIN CLOSES. Brief intermission)
