Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not the series, not the songs. They just inspired me. I only "own" the characters I've created. I picture Sara like the wonderful Olivia Wilde, you may know her from The O.C. and, more currently, House. Maybe a little shorter.


I once knew a girl

In the years of my youth

With eyes like the summer

All beauty and truth

In the morning I fled

Death Cab For Cutie – Someday You Will Be Loved

Even though I try

I can't let go

Something in your eyes

Captured my soul

And every night I see you in my dreams

You're all I know

I can't let go

[…]

You just walk on by

Don't care to see me cry

And here I am

Still holding on

I can't accept

My world is gone

Mariah Carey – Can't Let Go

Jess Mariano groaned as he stepped out of the train. Here he was again, on his way to a town that brought him nothing but trouble. But that was all behind him, right? He was older know, more mature, not the cocky rebel he was before. Well, at least not as much.

"Jess!"

He turned, feeling someone wrapping his arms around him the next second. He stared down at the person, confused. Why did she hug him?

"Hi," he said, his voice expressing the distance and confusion he felt.

"Hey," Rory Gilmore greeted back, feeling obviously hurt by his reaction.

"Where's Luke?"

"He couldn't come, so he sent me. Well, actually, he tried to get me watch the diner but I probably would have set it on fire. You know how I am, I can't even work the coffee machine."

"Uh-huh." They had started walking. He was still confused. Not in a good way.

"You seem awkward. This isn't awkward, is it? We're older now, it's all good, isn't it? I mean... we're friends, right?"

"Uh-huh." He knew he was making her angry, but he didn't care. His thoughts were elsewhere. It had been two weeks since she broke up with him and he felt a void inside himself he never felt before. There was still some of her stuff in his apartment but he didn't dare to pack it up and send it to her. It made things final. He didn't like final.

"Hey, why are you even by yourself? Where's your girlfriend?"

He cringed. Why? "We … we're taking a break"

"Oh. Sorry." They reached her car and he put the duffel bag in the trunk, before sitting in the passenger's seat.

He shrugged. He didn't like talking with Rory about his relationships. Ever since she had visited him in Philadelphia, they had stayed in touch, calling each other frequently. But he wasn't ready to open his heart to her. Not again. He had once and she had rejected him. It still hurt, even though it was not as bad anymore.

She talked mostly during the ride, while he was staring out the window, trying to figure out what he had gotten himself into.

When they stepped into the diner, the lunch rush had just ended. Only a few people were still there, most of them he didn't know. He was glad about that. No need for everybody to see him right away.

"You're here!" Luke Danes walked up to him, shaking his hand. "Thanks."

"No big deal," Jess answered but they both knew it was a huge deal. To come back to Stars Hollow, after all that had happened meant a lot.

Luke nodded. "I really don't have that much time for the diner. All the wedding plans... It's really getting over my head, you know."

"It's okay. I needed some distraction, anyway."

"You probably wanna get settled. The apartment is all yours, I'm staying at Lorelai's."

Jess nodded and then headed upstairs. The apartment looked just like he had left it. He threw his duffel bag on his old bed and collapsed on the couch. It was too much to take in. Rory picking him up. The town. His uncle. Probably a year ago he would have jumped in circles if she had waited for him, even hugged him. But then he had met Sara. Wonderful, beautiful Sara. And for the first time, he learned what it meant to be loved back. At first it scared him. Then he embraced it. But then, she had to move. Her mother was diagnosed with cancer and Sarah had to rush to her aid. They only got to see each other a few times and for a young relationship, that was deadly.

He rummaged through his pockets for a cigarette, found it, took out his lighter and lit it. Oh, sweet, deadly nicotine. Numb the pain. Sooth the nerves. He felt himself relaxing and closed his eyes.

"Old habits never change, do they?"

He opened his eyes surprised to see Rory standing in the doorway. What, was she following him now? "Guess so."

"You were so quiet. I mean, you always are, but I always thought you talked more around me."

"Yeah. Used to."

She was obvious hurt by his statement but he was amazed at how easily she covered it up. "What's bothering you?"

"You know, I really don't feel like opening up, spilling my heart, getting it ripped out again and left behind. Kinda over it."

He knew he went too far. Tears formed in her eyes. "Well, I'm sorry, but maybe if you would have given me time to think, things would be different now!"

Bam. He stared into her eyes. He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry," he said, his voice calm now "I'm really not trying to pursue you again to run away with me. I'm not here because of that. Luke needs me. And, honestly, I can use some distraction."

"You already said that," she sat next to him. "It's just … seeing you is weird."

"Yeah, I know."

They remained silent. He threw the cigarette out the window.

"Jess?"

"Mhm?"

"Do you still … well … love me?"

He saw this one coming. It was the obvious question. Expected, even logical, to be asked. "I don't know. This isn't saying much, I know. But I haven't thought about you like that in a long time."

"Oh."

"Why, you love me out of sudden?" It sounded bitter and it was. Her rejections had hurt him.

She squirmed a little. "I don't know. I guess we have that much in common. But talking to you.. even over the phone … changed something," her voice was soft and she tried to make eye contact "I broke up with Logan."

"Good for you."

She bit her lip, nervously, waiting for him to say something. He didn't. He stared into space, not looking at her.

"Jess..."

"Rory..."

"I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry I rejected you that night, that harsh."

He shrugged. "I'd done the same thing. To be honest, I would have been horrified if you'd said yes. I wasn't expecting to be going home with you."

"Then why'd you asked?"

"I guess I would've hated myself if I didn't. Like, I wanted to try at least. I wouldn't have been able to move on otherwise."

His words hung in the air. It was an awkward situation that made the both of them uncomfortable.

"I should go. See you around." Rory almost jumped up and hurried out the door.

Sara tossed her cell phone through her room. It landed on her bed and was followed by her coat and bag. She kicked off her sneakers and changed into more comfortable clothes. Then she left her room to go into the kitchen and prepare dinner. She shot a quick look at the answering machine. Zero calls. Fuck, she thought but then shoved thoughts of him aside. It hurt too much.

"He called."

Sara spun around, staring at her seven year old daughter Ayn. "What?"

"Jess called. He didn't say anything, though, but somebody said his name and then he hung up."

Sara smiled sadly.

"I miss him. He always bought me ice cream in a cone. Call him," the little girl suggested.

"It's too complicated," she sighed. "How's your grandmother?"

Now it was Ayn's turn to look sad. "She slept the whole day.."

Sara fought the tears back. It killed her to see her daughter that sad. She hated that she had to pull her into this. Ayn was supposed to be happy, not sad. She hated herself for dragging her daughter along. She decided to change the subject. "I'm making mac and cheese, is that okay?"

Ayn nodded. "Yea."