Feelings of a Troubled Heart

Inspired by Episode 17


We will take Sir Pheles' gamble.

Will he become the saviour of Assiah...or a demon king that will bring upon the destruction of everything?

We have no choice but to see for ourselves.


Everything had happened, literally, in seconds. He was laying on the ground not ten feet from his brother, where he'd been from the moment Amaimon had managed to throw him to the ground, and from the time he'd crawled to Rin's silent and unmoving side.

The Grigori were silent after their proclamation. There was no sound in his ears, and nothing else mattered but the hair's breadth of space that existed between his brother's skin and the edge of the Paladin's sword; Yukio's breath was held behind his teeth, waiting to be released.

The man moved away and the silence was over. Yukio pushed himself up, wincing from the soreness in his back, his heartbeat loud in his ears—he loudly called Rin's name, though he wasn't aware of just how loud or scared it had sounded to anyone else present.

His mind was moving a mile a minute, thoughts barely discernable. The thought that kept pressing insistently was to get his brother as far away as allowable, and as quickly as possible. Dropping to his knees he reached out and gently rolled Rin on to his back; one hand brushed back the hair from his face while the other immediately sought the pulse on his neck; the steady thrum helped to relax his own erratic heart. Eyes quickly scanned the face that had looked back at him from the mirror his whole life, checked arms and a visible torso for any cuts, wounds or bruises.

It wasn't until Shiemi's quiet, scared voice shocked him out of his reverie that he even remembered his students were there with him, and that they were not alone, or truly welcome.

"Yes, I think he's alright at the moment. Still, I'd like to get him back to our dorm now," Yukio replied, looking to his right at Shiemi and seeing Shima alongside her. To his left he realizes Bon and Izumo also wait.

"Can you help me?" He asked quietly, unused to asking for help.

"Of course Yuki! W-what do you need me to do?" Shiemi asked eagerly.

Yukio reached into his pants pocket and brings out his ring of keys. "Take this. When we get to a door you can use it to bring us directly to the dormitory." When she takes the outstretched keys, she takes them almost reverently. If not for the serious situation Yukio would have almost smiled. "I'd also appreciate it if you could carry Rin's sword."

The sound of a throat clearing brings all of their attention to the man standing above them—Mephisto smiles lazily while gently waving around the red sheath that the students have come accustomed to seeing upon their friend's back.

That's when a hint of apprehension hit her eyes, but still she stands to retrieve the cloth from Mephisto, and the scabbard lying just behind them.

Turning back, Yukio sidled closer and leaned down to get his arms under his brother's shoulders; rising slowly, since he didn't know if Rin may have a broken rib or anything, he brought himself back to a kneeling position. He could feel Rin's head resting on his shoulder, and could feel the heat from his skin travelling through his shirt.

"Sensei, let me help."

Yukio's eyes met Bon's, who stood above and behind Rin. Nodding, he allowed him to keep Rin upright while he turned around. When he saw Rin's arms enter his peripheral vision on either side of his head he braced himself for his brother's weight on his back.


Bon was scared shitless. Had been since he first entered the forest just yesterday morning, if he were to be completely honest. And things had only gone from slightly nerve-wracking to crap your pants terrible.

He couldn't shake the thought of 'you should have known'. He'd noticed already Okumura's strange behaviour, his absentminded strength. It didn't make sense, but he let it slide. And now here he was, helping a half-demon, which wasn't inherently bad, in and of itself, but the fact that said half-demon was the son of Satan was something he wasn't quite...sure of.

Watching him laying there on the stone floor, one second away from being crushed by a high-level demon like Amaimon, he wasn't one-hundred percent sure in his heart why he was doing this; all he knew was that he wanted answers, and he couldn't get answers from a dead person. So he helped re-forge the Kurikara; he helped Yukio bring it back to the Vatican's court; he threw it over to Shima to help get it to Rin so that he could be saved from his own demonic blood.

Reaching ground-level and making his way over to the boy who'd he'd shared months of his life with felt like treading thick water; part of him wanted to turn back, to stop going against the tide and return to what he knew.

But Bon was no quitter.


With Rin settled on his back, head tucked on to Yukio's shoulder, he made sure that his arms were firmly under Rin's knees and then hefted himself upwards. He looked behind him to see Shura watching them with a look akin to anger; their eyes met, and they shared the smallest of nods. Despite the Grigori's ruling, there was still an uncomfortably tense atmosphere within the large, cavernous room, and even though Yukio prided his ability to keep a cool head, even he felt the need to escape.

"Let's go then," he uttered quietly, and began walking through the debris. The others were ahead of him, walking briskly away from the many cold eyes in the room, all of which were trained directly on their mismatched group. He quickly stopped though when he remembered something.

"Can one of you loop his tail through my arm? I don't want it dragging on the ground."


Though they all knew that Rin was a demon, the request still stopped them short. People just didn't have tails, and people didn't normally have to worry about said appendage dragging on the ground and potentially getting caught in rocks.

When no one moved, Shiemi decided that she could fight her embarrassment this one time; she could feel the blush staining her cheeks as she walked forward, and it only got worse when Yuki gave her an appreciative smile. With her head ducked, she walked behind both of her friends.

"Be sure not to pull on it," Yukio said, in a voice similar to the one used when giving a lesson.

"O-ok."

She'd noticed the tail before (how could she not?). Seeing it now though, creeping out from Rin's pants and falling heavily to the floor, an excited smile grew on her lips. With her free hand she bent down and grabbed it, gently, and rose. The fur touching her skin was very short, but she could feel just how soft it was. It reminded her of the short hairs on a cat's nose. Yukio had shifted one of his arms just enough so that she could put Rin's tail through; as she did so, the exceptionally fluffy end brushed against her hand and she could feel the goosebumps of pleasure raise on her skin.

If it wouldn't have been so strange, she would have loved to rub the tail over her face.

The thought made her hurry at her task, blushing worse than ever. "Everything's good now, Yuki-chan!" She said just a little too loudly, reminiscent of the last words she'd said to Rin as he collapsed against her.

"Thank you, Shiemi-san."


"Sensei, are you sure you want us to come back with you to your dorm? We could just walk back to ours."

Yukio was standing at a door a ways down the hall from the destroyed entrance of the Grigori's court. He was explaining how to use the key to bring them exactly where they wanted to Shiemi, who was readying the key.

"I was hoping you'd come with Rin and I when I bring him to the swordsmith after he wakes up."

"Ahhh, but, don't you think that all of us will get in the way? What if Okumura doesn't wake up for a long time?" Shima asked, awkwardly pushing his hand through his hair.

"I assure you, none of you will be in the way. And if Rin doesn't wake up within a few hours you can leave." He paused, unsure and hesitant about what to say next. "However, if you'd feel more comfortable leaving now, I would understand completely, and would not hold it against you."

Shima jumped back and raised his arms. "No, no! It's not that! I—"

"We'll stay with you, Okumura-sensei, don't listen to that idiot," Izumo said in her droll voice.

"If you're sure..."

"Yes."

Yukio gulped uncharacteristically as he watched Shima pout. "Ok then. Have you got the door ready, Shiemi-san?"

"Y-yes, I think so!" She squeaked. She turned back to the door where she'd left the key in the lock. Gripping it tightly between her fingers, she closed her eyes. Imagine the place where you want to be. See it, and the door will bring you there. The metal warmed in her hand, and she turned the knob.


I thought I woke up...

He was back in darkness, but it didn't feel quite the same as before.

Maybe it was just a dream...maybe I really am dead.

But he could hear something that wasn't there before. A beating.

Ba bump. Ba bump. Ba bump.

Soothing, rhythmic, like water, like...home.

Yukio?


Izumo was sitting in the cafeteria where she'd had breakfast with her classmates weeks ago when they'd been participating in the Esquire exam (though they didn't know it at the time). She could see the kitchen area in the back, dark and closed off. She sat at a table alone, arms crossed, eyebrows crossed contemplatively.

From the beginning she had had respect for Okumura-sensei. She knew that for him to be an exorcist at his level and at his age that he must be very talented and very intelligent. She respected him for keeping calm, and for his no-nonsense attitude.

So when he'd begged for their help in Konekomaru's hospital room she was very surprised.

Even though she knew that he and Rin were brothers, twins, they didn't often interact as such (not in front of her or the others, at least to her knowledge). To see him and to listen to him speak about their demonic heritage, and to know that he was willing to kill his only family to save him from himself, made her thoughts of him shift.

She could see now that he wasn't a cold person, as she'd originally assumed. When she heard him call for Rin, telling him to wake up, she could hear the desperation in his voice (she knew it when she heard it, after all). She saw how gentle he was when he moved Rin, when he carried him. She even saw how he leaned his head against his brother's, almost like he was seeking a physical comfort from him.

No, Yukio Okumura was not who she thought he was. But she liked this one better.


Where are you Rin?

Yukio sighed from his place on the floor. The desk-chair he'd been sitting in prior had started to get uncomfortable, so he'd decided to sit on the floor beside Rin's bed instead.

He'd already checked him for broken bones, ribs especially, but he'd been fairly certain he had nothing to worry about when he could feel no abnormalities, nor find any bruising on Rin's torso. He'd buttoned his shirt back up, made sure that his tail wasn't under him in a way that would be uncomfortable.

He looked out the window and saw the first streaks of purple coming into the blue. It had been just over two hours since they'd come to the dorm, and still Rin wasn't waking up. He rested his head on the comforter, hands sitting limply in his lap. He could feel Blacky's warm heat on the outside of his right thigh, where his brother's familiar rested against him. He'd thought maybe he'd be able to hear the demon cat speak as Rin could, but so far he was unable; Rin had told him that Blacky could understand him though.

So when he heard a quiet, distressed mewl, he reached a hand out and brush the fur along the cat's back. "It's ok, Blacky," he whispered, "he's just sleeping. He'll wake up soon."


Bon and Shiemi had fallen asleep at one of the long tables in the cafeteria. Izumo was still sitting of by herself, and she didn't say anything when Shima had gotten up and left the room.

He couldn't remember ever seeing the Okumuras' room...did they share a room, have separate ones? He didn't even know that. But he felt like he needed to apologize to Yukio for what he had unintentionally implied before.

Because he wasn't uncomfortable around him or Rin; well, not really. Of course he was a little put-off, but who wouldn't be after having a revelation dropped on them such as this, and in the particular manner in which it was given? He'd known Rin for months now, and there was nothing about him that would lead him to believe he was a demon, or that he would hurt them (but maybe that's the whole point—maybe he's trying to trick all of us). Yukio had explained to all of them about the Kurikara and how it worked to keep Rin's powers in check; he'd told them that Rin didn't even know he was a half-demon all of these years, let alone the son of Satan; he knew why Rin lost control the way he did.

So why was he so scared?

Because it's a scary situation, no matter how you spin it. Okumura-sensei was smart enough to know that it would take time for things to settle down between everyone; he had to know that they weren't heartless people, and that they couldn't be blamed for being scared.

He could see an open door with light spilling out into the hallway just a few feet down the corridor. He quickened his pace a little, but stopped when he heard the quiet lull of voices.


Yukio could feel his eyes getting heavy. Half lying on a bed wasn't helping the situation. As he jerked his eyes open for what felt like the millionth time he noticed the end of Rin's tail twitching ever so slightly where it rested against his calf.

With one hand he lifted and moved Blacky up on to the comforter, while he raised himself to his knees, suddenly feeling much more awake.

"Rin?" His voice came out a groggy croak, and he cleared his throat as softly as he could. His brother's lips had turned downward into a scowl, and his eyebrows had done the same; he could see his eyes moving madly underneath their lids.

"Rin, come on, wake up now," he encouraged. He looked away from Rin's face when he saw Blacky move up along his other side. The demon was watching his brother's face intently as well, and he couldn't help but wonder if they were speaking to each other.

When he looked back he saw the barest sliver of blue looking back at him.

"Yukio?"

Rin's voice was rough and sleep-addled. He looked very confused, with his eyes glazed, and Yukio felt it when Rin's tail lifted and moved, coming closer to lay itself across Rin's stomach.

"Is this a dream?"

He sounded so lost. "No, no it's not a dream Rin. We're back in the dorm, we're home." He paused. "You're going to be okay."

Rin's eyes were a little clearer, and he was looking around, noting the familiarity of their new home. He noticed Blacky sitting patiently at his side and patted him gently with a faintly trembling hand. His gaze returned to Yukio's, and he could see the emotions flickering there.

"What did I do?" Rin asked fearfully.

"The Kurikara cracked," he answered. "You lost control of the flames."

Rin swallowed deeply. "And no one was hurt?"

Yukio shook his head fervently. "No, no one was hurt." He thought he saw something, the beginning of tears, but Rin looked away and they were gone. There was silence between them, only broken by their breaths going in and out. Just as Yukio was about to ask Rin if he felt alright, his brother spoke up, his voice hauntingly even.

"I thought I'd died."

Yukio's breath stilled. "What do you mean?"

Unblinkingly, Rin returned his eyes to his twin's. "It was dark. I couldn't see. I couldn't feel anything. It was just...nothing. I thought I'd died, and that was where I would be forever."

When Yukio saw his twin's trembling lips his hand instinctively found and latched together with Rin's. "You weren't dead, Rin. I promise, you were never dead."

"But I was!" He responded vehemently, wetly. "The me who I thought I was, that you've known since you were born, he was dead. All that was left was a monster, a demon."

"Rin..." His voice shook. Yukio can't remember when Rin has lost it like this since their father died just a few months ago.

"I don't want to become a monster, Yukio."

Yukio took in a shaky breath; this is the moment he's been training for since he was 7 years old. This is the moment when you have to acknowledge that you could lose your twin.

"Rin," Yukio leaned closer until their foreheads touched, eyes still locked with one another. "I won't let you become a monster. I swear it to you. You have to do your hardest to learn to control your powers, to not let them control you. But..."

Rin squeezed his hand, nails biting against his flesh. "Thank you," he whispered.


Shima hurried away from the door as fast as he could without making any noise.


A/N: This took me, like, almost 6 hours to write. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I try to go and do some studying, but it would nag me in the back of my head, so I'd come back to my computer and work on it, and work on it, till this came to be.

Ever since the first time I watched Episode 17, where it goes from Angel lifting his blade from Rin's neck, to Rin and the whole gang back at the swordsmith's place in Kyoto, I've been obsessed with what happened in between. I honestly had dreams about it (and my dreams are vivid; it was basically like watching the anime). I wanted to see what happened, what people were thinking...everything. I'm pretty satisfied with this, and I hope anyone who takes the time to read it enjoys it too.