So the next few chapters will be counting down the events leading up to Clarke's torture but from then on the story will be in the present. And thank you to everyone for leaving the awesome reviews. You guys are AMAZING! I love reading your comments so please continue to review pretty please! Hope you enjoy this chappie! :)
*Day 1*
By midmorning everyone in Polis was up and bustling around the city doing their daily routines. Clarke had woken from yet another nightmare at around four in the morning, and not being able to fall back asleep went out on the balcony with her sketch book. Clarke started drawing the city from her vantage point getting lost in her movements and the sound of the scratching coming from her pencil as it traced over her page effortlessly. She didn't realize it was almost noon until she heard the sounds of swords clashing down below, startling her out of her trance.
Clarke quickly stands up and closes her book, setting it on the chair before looking over the edge to see who was sparring. Many pairs were fighting in the pits but one person in particular stood out to the blonde. Clarke decided to go down to visit the brunette and try to talk to her. She quickly left her room and walked down to the market, weaving through the mass of people watching the sparring matches.
Clarke watched as the girl's match ended with her being pinned and quickly made her way over when the girl walked out of the ring to stand and watch. Clarke was finally able to reach her quietly stands next to the girl as they watch the rest of the pairs. After a couple of minutes of the brunette ignoring her Clarke decides to break the tense silence.
"Octavia can we talk?" Octavia clenches her jaw before turning her intense glare on the blonde, who was prepared for the hostility. "There's nothing to talk about." Clarke sighs and shakes her head.
"Octavia..." Clarke starts but the brunette whips around facing the blonde fully with a murderous expression. "If your not here to spar then I suggest you leave." Clarke stares at the girl for a minute before nodding.
"Alright." Clarke walks over to the weapons table, choosing a dagger and a sword before returning to Octavia's side. "Let's go Blake." Octavia stares at her in surprise before huffing and stomping into the ring. Clarke rolls her eyes at the tantrum but smirks a little when she thinks of how this fight will go. Clarke knows how Octavia fights, she has seen her in action but Octavia doesn't know of Clarke's skills. As Clarke enters the ring people start whispering "Wanheda" as she gets into her stance in front of Octavia. She's about to ask if the girl is ready but Octavia moves without warning, swinging her sword making Clarke defend quickly.
Clarke easily parries each of Octavia's attempts, and steps aside when Octavia lunges at her in frustration and anger, before spinning as the girl passes her and kicks Octavia in the back, making her fall but she gets up quickly and turns around, just in time to block Clarke's next strike. By now all of the other pairs have stopped to watch along with the ever growing crowd, wanting to see Wanheda fight.
Clarke blocks Octavia's kick with her left hand, grabbing the girl's ankle and shoving her away knocking her off balance and giving Clarke the upper hand. Clarke sweeps Octavia's legs out from under her, knocking her on her back and kicks the sword away before she places her knees on the girls thighs so she can't move and grabs her wrists, shoving them above the girls head and holding them with one hand as the other pulls the dagger out of her thigh holster and presses it against Octavia's neck for the kill.
Both girls are breathing heavily as the crowd watches in silence as the two Skaikru glare at one another before Clarke finally gets off the younger girl and offering her a hand up. Octavia stares at it for a minute before hesitantly taking it. Clarke hauls the girl up with ease and pats her on the back before turning and walking away leaving Octavia to watch her back in confusion and curiosity. Clarke is almost to the edge of the crowd when Octavia calls her name.
"Clarke wait up!" But the blonde just keeps walking until the crowd parts for her so she can exit the pits. "Clarke!" Octavia's voice is closer now but Clarke doesn't want to have prying eyes on her conversation with Octavia so she quickly enters the tower and waits for Octavia. She's not disappointed when the girl comes rushing in a minute later, almost running into Clarke who quickly puts her hands out to steady the girl. Octavia opens her mouth but Clarke shakes her head and nods in the direction of the elevator. The guards quickly open it for them before using the pulley system to lift them up until they are on Clarke's floor. Clarke enters her room and shucks off her jacket before sitting on the bed. Octavia shuts the door and turns around looking at everything.
"No wonder you don't want to leave." Octavia says bitterly and Clarke looks up annoyed. Octavia notices and glares. "What? It's true. You have everything here. The room, the view, the status. Everyone gives you what you want without you lifting a finger. The name princess is fitting." During Octavia's rant Clarke stands up and crosses her arms waiting until the girl is finished.
"You know what Octavia? I was going to be nice and try to have an actual civil conversation but seeing as how you can't get your head out of your ass I may as well say what I'm thinking." Octavia glares harshly and opens her mouth to speak but Clarke raises her hand and glares.
"No it's my turn to talk. You always get to talk. You judge every little thing I do. You think what I did to save everyone wasn't good enough, but guess what? I don't care. I did everything I had to do so you could live happily on the ground. I sacrificed my happiness, my freedom and my soul for all of you but all I get is criticism. You blame me for Lexa's betrayal because I trusted her. But you are a hypocrite. You fell in love with a grounder, you became a grounder's second, you want to be a grounder but as soon as they left you blamed me. I didn't leave anyone, I went into that tunnel to do my best but instead you corner me and call me a traitor for making an alliance. And yes I knew about the missile Octavia but tell me what could I have done. Screamed it at the top of my lungs that a bomb was coming and let everyone evacuate, while tipping Mount Weather off about our inside man?Your brother? Getting everyone inside killed? Please tell me Octavia what would you have done because until you have the lives of thousands in your hands and you have to make the hard call you don't get to judge." Clarke finishes breathing heavily from how angry she is. Octavia is still glaring at her and decides it's time for her to talk.
"You left me to die in that village! You and Lexa just waltzed out and left everyone to die. And Bellamy would have found a way around the guards. Then you leave for three months after we are out. You were just being selfish!" Clarke's hand start to shake and before she knows it she snaps.
"Don't you dare say I'm selfish! If I was selfish I would have let Ryder kill you after the missile and be done with worrying about whether or not you would open your mouth and blab to everyone. I would have left and never returned to the mountain leaving everyone behind if I was selfish! But I'm not because I care. I care so much about everyone that I sold my soul to the devil so I could save the people I thought of as family! Not even my own mother understands what I have done and the reason behind my decisions. No one cares that I am eighteen and have murdered thousands of people in only a year, just so I could save the people I care about." Clarke can see she is starting to get to Octavia but can't stop once she starts listing everything.
"But clearly no one cares about how I'm feeling. I'm just the person everyone is counting on but doesn't appreciate the things I have done for them. You all take but never give and I'm done. I am tired Octavia, I have fought everything from the moment I have hit this ground. You want to know why I left? I left because you were finally safe and looking at everyone just reminded me of everything I have done to ensure their safety. I left because everywhere I turn there are the ghosts of the people I have killed lurking in the shadows and clinging to me. I was suffocating and I needed to leave and be on my own to try and deal but I barely survived. I lost myself and tried to end my life so many times but I couldn't. I couldn't pull the trigger because I don't deserve to die. I deserve to be haunted and have never ending nightmares for what I did. There is only one person on this entire planet I can look to who doesn't look at me in disgust, anger, disappointment or distrust. Who understands everything I have done and still cares and doesn't treat me differently." Clarke didn't realize she was crying until the end of her speech and tries to wipe them away but more just fall.
Octavia watches her friend fall apart but still trying to keep her walls up to show she's strong. Octavia walks towards Clarke slowly watching the blonde turn her back to the brunette and sniffle before wiping her eyes and running a hand through her hair gripping tightly as she takes deep shaky breathes.
Clarke turns around when she hears movement and is surprised to see Octavia standing in front of her with pain filled eyes and unshed tears. Octavia grabs Clarke by the shoulders and pulls her into a bone crushing hug, her arms wrapped around the blonde's neck. Shocked at the contact Clarke takes a second before returning it with equal force. Her tears turn into sobs as she finally lets her grief and pain escape followed by Octavia as she finally lets her guard down and cries with Clarke.
After what feels like hours of clinging to each other their tears finally stop, leaving them with red puffy eyes and runny noses. Slowly they pull apart and smile at each other before chuckling at the each other's appearances. Clarke reaches up and wipes away the tears on Octavia's cheeks. Shocked at the gentle gesture Octavia grins and carefully does the same to Clarke making sure no trace of tears are left.
Octavia looks at Clarke but this time really focuses on her face. There are dark bruises under her eyes, the blue that are usually so bright with curiosity and knowledge now look dull and haunted. There is a deep seated pain behind them that Octavia knows won't fade completely but maybe will lessen. Octavia vows to help ease that pain anyway she can, starting now.
"I'm sorry Clarke. I know you are right about all of it. I was just angry and directed it at you. I guess I never thought of how heavy of a burden it was to be a leader, because like you said I have never had to take responsibility for so many lives. I am still mad about TonDC though, but I think I will be able to get past it with time. I miss you Clarke. I'm glad you are still alive." Octavia whispers and looks down at her feet ashamed of how she treated her friend who put everything on the line for her and the rest of the hundred. Clarke smiles a sad smile before gently lifting the brunette's chin so she can look into her eyes.
"I miss you too. And I know this doesn't make it better but I knew you were on patrol that night in TonDC. If you weren't I would have got you out just like I did my mom. I would never let you die if it's within my power to stop it. I am the Commander of Death you know. I decide who can die and who can't." Clarke says smirking at the end and Octavia rolls her eyes at the bad joke but it still breaks the the tension.
"Clarke what do you mean when you said you stopped Ryder from killing me?" Clarke freezes but nods slightly before looking away.
"After the missile and our talk at the fire Lexa didn't trust that you wouldn't tell anyone so she ordered Ryder to kill you. I didn't know about it until I asked Indra where you were and she said you were on patrol. You on patrol by yourself was enough for me to know something wasn't right. So I took off after you and found Ryder about to fire an arrow at you but I managed to put my gun to his head and force him to come with me to the Commander. Then I kind of threatened to kill him and I yelled at her and such so yeah..." Octavia has a look of appreciation and amusement on her face and Clarke rolls her eyes making the brunette laugh.
"You would be the one to get away with yelling at the Commander. People have been killed for less." Clarke laughs and shakes her head at the young warrior before shoving her shoulder lightly. Octavia grins wide and returns the shove. Clarke's grin fades and is replaced by a serious look.
"Thank you O. For giving me a chance. I know I don't deserve it but I'll do my best to make it up to you I swear. I know I haven't been the best friend but I'll do my best." Octavia looks shocked and then sad when Clarke looks down at her hands and wrings them nervously. Octavia gently grabs the blonde's hands and squeezes. Clarke looks up and her eyes show her insecurity.
"Clarke no. I am the one you doesn't deserve you. I have treated you like shit and you just let me. I put you down so many times even when you were dealing with trying to keep is all alive and I wasn't helping by nagging on you. You are the best friend to have and anyone would be lucky to be yours. So thank you for taking care of us." Clarke smiles sadly and shakes her head.
"You had your have every right to be angry. Hell I'm angry at what I did even though I had no other choice at the time. How about we start over. What do you say? Get to know each other for us and not for our past or our actions?" Octavia's eyes light up and she smiles wide, nodding enthusiastically. Clarke grins and she feels the weight on her shoulders lighten up when Octavia drags her to her bed and starts to ask questions.
"Wait so my first question I have had ever since you spilled your guts. Who is this person that treats you the same and understands you? Is it Bellamy?" Clarke looks up an eyes Octavia warily when she notices the knowing look in her steel blue eyes. Clarke narrows her eyes and Octavia smirks.
"No it's not Bellamy. Yes he helped me lead but he doesn't understand fully." Octavia raises an eyebrow and waits expectantly for Clarke to answer which she does reluctantly. Clarke sighs and tilts her head back like she's sending a silent prayer. Octavia grins already knowing who Clarke was referring to.
"Lexa." Clarke grumbles and Octavia fist pumps the air and Clarke glares playfully. Octavia grins and shrugs at the blonde.
"What? It's pretty obvious. Though I may not have forgiven her for taking the deal I think you have started to or at least understand her actions. And seeing you in Polis I can tell she is helping you so I can't really complain. I just want you to be happy Clarke. And if Commander Heart Eyes does that then by all means don't let anyone stop you. But if she hurts you again I'll kill her, well at least try." Clarke looks shocked and stares at Octavia before snapping out of it.
"We're not. I mean we haven't... Dammit Octavia. Is it really obvious?" Octavia bursts out laughing as Clarke blushes and tries to stammer out an excuse. Clarke has to bite her cheek so she doesn't start laughing and just stares at the girl with a serious expression. Octavia finally stops laughing and looks at Clarke before rolling her eyes and replying.
" I don't think anyone else really notices well except Indra. I just know you better than the others I guess. I pay attention to your interactions with her and I notice the shift in her behaviour that's all. And you guys gaze at each other all the time." Clarke slowly nods her head seeing how Octavia could put it together. She's just relieved no one else has picked up on it.
"That Titus dude seems to see it too. He doesn't like you very much Princess." Clarke rolls her eyes and laughs.
"Your right about that. He thinks I'm corrupting Lexa by getting her to agree to blood must not have blood after the slaughtering of her army by Pike and Bellamy." Octavia nods solemnly at the mention of the massacre.
"Are you ready to go to Arkadia tomorrow?" Clarke nods her head but Octavia can tell she's nervous. She places her hand on Clarke's back and rubs in between her shoulder blades like her mother did when she was nervous. Clarke gives her a grateful smile and looks outside to see how long they have been talking. The sun was almost setting and she remembers she was going to have dinner with Lexa.
"Hey O, about Lexa... I just it's new and we haven't done anything or talked about a relationship but I do have feelings for her and they are deep. I just. I hope you can accept that she makes me happy and is helping me heal. It would be great to have someone backing me up especially when my mom finds out. She's going to be so disappointed." Clarke sighs and rubs her brow in worry.
"Clarke I'm happy for you. You deserve this. And I'm positive so does Lexa, I may not like her decisions but the doesn't mean I don't like her as a person. She is a great leader and cares a lot for her people. I see the way she looks at you, she softens when your in the room and listens to you. And besides who am I to judge? You didn't even bat an eye when you found out about Lincoln and you helped me free him which I'm eternally grateful for. You brought him back to life and the least I can do is support your relationship. So you don't have to worry about me. I will have your back when the time comes for your mom and everyone else to know about the two of you." Clarke breaks out into a wide smile that reaches her eyes and pulls Octavia into a hug.
"Thank you. And I kind of already made plans with Lexa for dinner... Which I should be getting to..." Clarke says with a sheepish look that makes Octavia grin and shake her head.
"It's fine Griffin. Go eat with your girl. I'll go find Indra and try to persuade her into letting me be her second again." Clarke blushes slightly but nods. She quickly pecks Octavia's cheek before standing up from the bed.
"Thanks for everything O. And I'm sorry I snapped at you." Clarke says guiltily. Octavia shakes her head. "Don't worry about it. I deserved it after everything. Plus it helped knock some sense into me so that's good. Now get going you don't want to keep your lover waiting." Clarke chokes at the word lover and blushes bright red making Octavia roar with laughter before they exit the room. Octavia going right still laughing and gives Clarke a wink as she looks back. Clarke shakes her head in amusement before going left and being let in by the guards without question. Once entering she sees all the candles lit around the room and Lexa is reading on the couch but quickly looks up when Clarke enters. Her face immediately breaks into a small grin at he sight of the blonde and she stands up as Clarke walks closer with a grin of her own. Lexa can tell there is something different with Clarke by the way she walks with more confidence and seems lighter. Lexa puzzles over her observation and doesn't realize how close Clarke is until she's right in front of her almost nose to nose. Startled Lexa flicks her eyes up to meet Clarke's piercing gaze, noticing they are not as pained and haunted as yesterday. Curious Lexa tilts her head slightly and furrows her brow wonder what has happened that has Clarke feeling better.
Lexa tries to ignore how her heart is beating wildly at Clarke's closeness and how her hands ache to touch the soft curves of the blonde but she reins in her desire knowing it would not be appropriate. But Clarke is always full of surprises so when Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's neck she really shouldn't have been surprised. After a second of shock she wraps her arms around the blonde's waist and holds on tightly, dipping her chin so it rests on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke does the same and they stand there for a while in comfortable silence before Clarke squeezes her once and slowly pulls back but doesn't break contact. With her arms lightly clasped around Lexa's neck Clarke stares into Lexa's forest green eyes.
"Thank you." Clarke watches as the confusion crosses Lexa's faces and she grins at how cute it is when the brunette crinkles her nose and tilts get head to the side as she tries to understand.
" I have done nothing Clarke. Why are you thanking me?" Clarke smiles and shakes her head.
"You have done everything Lexa and I'm sorry it took me this long to tell you this. You made sure I was safe when the bounty was placed on my head, you offered to let me leave when I tried to kill you. Which I apologize for. You have allowed me to stay as a guest and offered me a place on your council, as well as protect my people after everything that has happened. I want you to know I forgive you. I think I forgave you three months ago but didn't want to admit it because it meant I had only myself to blame for my actions. As soon as I understood your actions my anger wasn't at you it was at myself but I couldn't accept that so I lashed out at you. You have been nothing but kind and understanding. You notice things about me, the smallest things that people over look. You listen to my concerns and make sure I'm comfortable. No one has done that before and I am so thankful. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm ready Lexa. I finally accept that I have to forgive myself to be able to move on. It will be slow but I think being here in Polis and with you is helping me heal. I have feelings for you Lexa. And even though they scare me I don't want anyone else. I missed you everyday for the past four months and I don't want to waste this opportunity on superficial anger when we could be gone tomorrow and not know where this leads." Clarke finishes her speech, her eyes swelling with unshed tears and her throat constricts as she tries not to cry for the millionth time today. Lexa stands there in disbelief with unshed tears in her eyes as she watches Clarke get consumed by her emotions. Lexa cups Clarke's cheeks softly and stares into watery blue eyes.
"Are you positive Clarke? Because I don't want to rush you." Clarke leans forward until her lips brush Lexa's sending sparks across them at the contact. "I have not been more sure of anything in my life. I want this Lexa. I want you." Lexa smiles a full blown smile and it's so beautiful that Clarke's breath catches just before she surges forward and attaches their lips in a soft but passionate kiss, sending tingles through her as their lips move in sync against each other. Clarke pulls Lexa closer using her hand in Lexa's hair to gently but firmly hold the brunettes head in place and her other hand travels south to Lexa's hip and closes the gap fully.
The two women gasp at the feeling of their hips meeting and Clarke slowly starts pushing Lexa backwards gently until she hits the bed and sits down breaking contact and looks up at Clarke with the most adoring and open expression she has seen Lexa give. Clarke cups Lexa's face, memorizing every inch while tracing her fingers lightly across the girl's high cheekbones and sharp jaw. Clarke traces her thumb over the swollen and full lips she loves with her thumb. Lexa kisses Clarke's thumb as it traces her lips again before gently grabbing that hand and placing a kiss on the girl's palm.
She pulls Clarke closer so she is in between Lexa's legs. Lexa wraps her arms around the blonde's waist and places the side of her face against Clarke's stomach and hugs her. Clarke smiles at the gesture and gently runs her fingers through Lexa's curls carefully removing the knots as the two enjoy the closeness. After a few minutes Clarke's stomach rumbles and Lexa laughs from her position while Clarke chuckles and slowly pulls back with a sigh. She leans down and pulls Lexa in for a slow and deep toe curling kiss that leaves them both breathless and wanting more. Clarke backs up and extends her hands to Lexa pulling her up and kissing her gently before walking over to the table where the food was already waiting. Clarke grabs her plate and is about to sit in the chair next to Lexa's but is pulled backwards carefully and into Lexa's lap. Clarke turns her head to see Lexa smiling at her in happiness and adoration and can't help but lean in for another kiss before she settles back against the brunette, turning slightly so her legs are across Lexa's lap and her head can settle in the crook of Lexa's neck as they eat. Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke to give her support so they can both settle comfortably and share the food on Clarke's lap. Once the food is finished they sit there in silence with Lexa rubbing circles on Clarke's stomach with her thumb while Clarke plays with Lexa's fingers and traces patterns on her palm. Clarke is the first to break the silence.
"I talked with Octavia today." Lexa looks at Clarke's face and sees a happy smile on her face so she takes it went well with the warrior. "How did it go?" Clarke smirks and looks up at Lexa. "Pretty well actually. Well after I kicked her ass in sparring and once the yelling was over with." Lexa tenses at the mention her sparring and Clarke looks up to see green eyes full of concern. "Are you hurt?" Clarke chuckles and shakes her head.
"No she didn't even get a hit in. I must have a pretty good teacher." Clarke winks at Lexa making her smile at the pride in Clarke's voice and let's out a sigh of relief know Clarke wasn't injured. Lexa kisses Clarke's temple and nudged her nose against it silently asking Clarke to continue.
"I had asked her if we could talk but she told me to spar or leave so of course I sparred. And after I just walked away and she followed me up to my room so we could have privacy for our discussion. It didn't start so well and I kind of snapped. I spilled every angry thought I had about her and the situation but apparently it worked and got her to understand me. After that we decided to start over an learn about each other as people and not focus on our actions or our past. We joked around for a bit and I may have let it slip about how I feel about you. But she said she supports it so I'm just glad I have someone in my corner when people from Arkadia find out. Especially my mom." Lexa grins and kisses Clarke's cheek making her look up.
"I am happy that you and Octavia have made amends. Is that why you seemed lighter when you came in tonight?" Clarke grins and nods before kissing Lexa. "See I told you you notice the small things." Lexa smiles and nods her agreement.
"Of course Clarke. You always hold my attention, so it would be difficult to not see the little things." Clarke raises her eyebrows in surprise but then breaks out into a grin when she notices Lexa's blush. Clarke kisses her cheek and caresses it as the blush disappears. "That was really sweet and surprisingly smooth. You're really cute when you blush." Lexa glares and blushes harder but breaks into a wide smile when Clarke throws her head back as she laughs.
"I'm not cute Clarke. I'm the Commander I cannot be called cute." Clarke laughs and shakes her head in amusement when Lexa pretty much pouts. "You're adorable." Lexa glares playfully. "Shof op." Clarke grins.
"And you are just Lexa to me. Even when you go into Commander mode I can see through your mask. You're not the only one who pays attention to the little things." Lexa gives her a soft grin and kisses her nose before she places her lips against Clarke's in the sweetest kiss they have yet shared.
" I know you do Clarke and I am eternally grateful that you are able to see through my mask and accept me for me." Clarke grins and nods before standing up and dragging Lexa to the bed. "If Octavia and I want to get to Arkadia before dawn I need to go to sleep early tonight. Do you think I could stay here tonight? I don't want to be alone before tomorrow." Lexa understands the hidden meaning and nods knowing the blonde is suffering from night terrors and needs her rest for tomorrow.
"Of course Clarke. You are always welcome here. I'm just going to change. There is an extra set of nightwear you can use so you don't have to go back to your room." Clarke nods and turns towards the trunk grabbing everything she needs and quickly gets changed and slides into the bed just as Lexa exits the bathroom. Lexa blows out half the candles before sliding in next to Clarke who shuffles over and snuggles into Lexa's side. Her leg swung over one of Lexa's and arm over her stomach. Clarke lifts her head slightly so she can look up at Lexa noticing her already looking down. Both move into the kiss and sigh when they part before Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke and the blonde lays her head against Lexa's chest letting the rhythm of her heartbeat lull her to sleep but not before she hears Lexa's promise.
"Goodnight Skai Prisa. Do not worry I will fight off your demons for you tonight." Lexa whispers and Clarke falls asleep knowing she's safe in Lexa's arms.
