Episode 1: "PARTNERS IN CRIME"

Billy Hamburger(POV)

I stood at the center of a grassy field and looked up, the blinding rays of the sun came into my eyes as it turned the night into morning. Then a glint of gold fell towards the earth, catching my attention. I watched it spin like a boomerang. It was a star with two big black oval eyes on the surface. It's so pretty... I must have it.

"Oooh pretty!" I said, sprinting after the star as it fell.

"Billy! That's mine!" Anthony chased after me with the goal of beating me to it. I launched myself from the ground, reaching out a hand to grab the golden star.

The star disappeared even before I could touch it but then my entire skin flashed white, "What the-? HELP! I'M BLINKING!" I screamed, "HEEEEEEELP!"

Then Anthony held my shoulders and started shaking me, "Billy! It's okay!" The shaking continued and it became more violent, "Billy!"

"Anthony stop shaking me!" I struggled but he didn't stop, I saw his face frozen with anger repeating those words.

"BILLY IT'S OKAY!" He yelled. It echoed in my head.

"STOP!" I cried. I broke from his grasp and the open field around me suddenly turned into a room filled with posters and figures of Pokemon. Standing in front of me was an emo-haired teenager wearing black hoodie who was shaking me the entire time.

I was dreaming.

"Brent!" I gasped, "-what are you doing in my room?"

"You're screaming again." Brent said, shaking his head in annoyance.

"Yeah, thanks for interrupting my good dream." I sighed.

"My pleasure." He sat beside my bed, "Now get up, you're gonna be late for school." Without any warning, Brent shoved me off the side.

"AAAGH!" I fell head first on the solid ground, hitting it hard enough to possibly cause brain damage.

"Clumsy bitch." My brother laughed before leaving the room.

"That's the reason why I need special help." I rose up and sat back on the bed.

Then I looked at the nightstand and there my red and yellow beanie was, its silvery propeller attached at the top. I reached for it then lifted it from the table, then a long and slender wooden stick with a ball at one end rolled beneath it, falling on the floor.

I picked it up and held it in my hands. I stared out the window and there Primrose Park was, it was where we fought in epic proportions against Adrian and his mutant donuts, fighting for the survival of Smosh and to reclaim Alloy Digital from his evil clutches...

God, do I miss the epic battle.

I let out a loud sigh, everything's back to normal which is both awesome and not awesome. I have chores and boring school work.

"You miss the fights?" A raspy British voice spoke up. I turned around, a small box was just beside the nightstand, with its interior designed to be a miniature house to accommodate a cute furry grey foul-mouthed guinea pig, my newfound friend, Charlie the drunk guinea pig.

"Good morning ya cute ball of cuteness!" I greeted as I tickled his back.

"Sod off, wanker." He interjected, "I'm not much of a morning person." I could tell by the tone of his shrill voice.

"Jeez, I was just being nice." I said, "-and yeah, I do wanna go back into time and fight those donuts again."

"You knucklehead, Teleporting Fat Guy said that it's dangerous to time travel, and you've got school." The guinea pig said.

"I hate school." I groaned, "All those numbers made my head ache." Charlie just laughed at my predicament.

I forgot that the stick was still in my hands. I looked around it and searched for a tiny button. Upon finding it, my thumb immediately pressed it; a long glowing purple rock candy lightsaber detracted from one end creating a hum.

The images flooded back into my head, I began imagining seeing large numbers of mutant donuts swarming inside my room, coming in from the windows and doors, from small donut holes to large maple bar donuts.

"Bring it on, bitches!" I yelled before doing a front flip onto my bed, I pretended to strike the imaginary foes.

"You can't mess with the Jedi!" I said as I slashed my lightsaber in the air, creating loud humming sounds at every swing. I leapt from the bed and landed back on the floor still doing some cool jedi moves.

"Billy! What the hell's going on?" Someone shouted from behind, making me jump and quickly swing my lightsaber.

My glowing blade inadvertently sliced off Brent's emo flaps.

Brent's eyes widened, he watched in horror as his bangs were chopped off. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!" Brent knelt down, tears forming in his eyes, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SWEET ASS HAIR?!" He wailed while picking up the strands on the carpeted floor.

"That's your ass hair?" Charlie roared with laughter, "-how did it end up on your head?"

I was at a loss of words. "SHIIIIIIIIIII-" I treaded backwards while retracting my sword back into the hilt, making it out of the room with Charlie in my hands. I just snickered, it was hella funny to see him bawl over his lost hair.

"You clumpsy dude, I like you." Charlie croaked.

"He deserved it, after all, he's always mean to me." I replied.

"That's my boy." I peeked back inside the room and my brother was still there, looking at the big mirror beside my bed.

"I look like that Anthony Padilla guy." He sobbed, "The fangirls won't like this one bit." He continued, "-think of all the hair hate comments."

"Brent is such a drama queen." I whined before going into the kitchen.

"Billy." My brother turned to me, his face turned red and his eyes burned with fury. He pulled out a stick from his jacket pocket and I heard a click, a long red rock candy lightsaber grew from the tip, "You're dead."

"Whoa! Where did you get that?!" I was surprised.

"Uh- I found it in the dumpster." He shrugged, "Now, prepare to get beaten."

I took out mine and turned it on, emitting a purple rock candy stick "Bring it on."

I put Charlie in my pocket, "Buckle up, it's gonna be bumpy."

"I already drank some anti-vomiting medicine." His raspy voice replied as he squeezed inside the pocket.

"Good boy."

Brent leapt on the bed and launched himself up, he brought down the blade at me, my heart skipped a beat as I blocked it with mine. Brilliant sparks of light filled the room and we engaged in a duel. He swung sideways and I bent backwards, watching the blade fly over my chest. I stood up and got to strike at him, he jumped over my swipe.

We locked blades, "Your powers are weak, puny Billy," Brent said in a Darth Vader tone, "Surrender and I will be merciful."

"A Jedi never surrenders." I pushed him backwards and waited for him to strike again. We engaged in a fast paced battle, our swords were swishing everywhere, creating burns at the walls of my room, slicing various things.

We locked blades, "Had enough?" I asked.

"Never!" He screamed.

"Boys? What's going on in there?" We heard our dad coming in my room. We broke apart and waited for our dad to enter. "Hey, what are you two-?" He gasped, his jaw dropped upon seeing the heavily damaged room.

"Dad?" We stuttered.

"Damn you kids!" He raised both his hands at us and his fingers bent as if he was choking an invisible neck. We felt something grasp our throats, our dad lifted us in the air, squeezing the air from our lungs. We floated closer to him, he was furious, "-if you're gonna have a Jedi battle, you do it outside!" He scolded. We floated there in shock by what he had done.

I guess the force is strong in my family.

He fixed his out of place reading glasses and let us down gently on the floor, "You better get going, Billy." He turned to me, "-You're late for school."

I glanced at the watch:

7:55AM

"Oh crap!" I dashed outside the room and ran to the kitchen where out mom was washing the dishes.

"You don't really have to go to school." Charlie suddenly popped from my pocket.

"Really?" I smiled.

"You could just stay here and do whatever I say." He grinned.

"I have a better idea." I spoke up, "I'll bring you with me to school." I laughed evilly.

His stubby feet kicked around, trying to escape my pocket, "No! I hate school."

"I hate it too." I laughed, "We'll hate it together." I zipped it, letting a little opening for him to breathe.

"I gotta get to school now, mom." I said.

"How about breakfast first?" She asked.

"I-I'm kinda late for school." I reasoned.

"Oh, alright, don't forget your lunch bag, sweetie." She replied, I snatched one of the paper bags resting on the kitchen counter then kissed her on the cheek.

"Bye mom!" I yanked open the door and closed it behind me.

"Billy!" She shrieked and I peeked back inside.

"Yeah?" I peeked back inside the house and she was standing by the doorway holding a pair of pants.

"Don't you wanna put on your pants?" She smiled while jiggling my freshly ironed jeans.

I looked down... Tighty whities!

"DAMN IT!"

"Billy, Watch your language!"


"Nice going, you damn poof." Charlie scolded, "You're late for school!"

"That's not what I'm afraid of." I replied as I ran towards the school's main doors, "-I'm afraid of being caught by the school's hall monster- I mean, hall monitor."

I pushed open the large doors and a long hallway was inside with lockers on either side, the walls were painted dull grey and the tiles were white and shiny. Charlie scoffed and peeked out if my pocket, "Pfft, she couldn't be that bad, ri- OH."

In front of us was a girl who had her back turned at us. She was the same age as me, she has braided ginger hair and was wearing a cap that had the label:

HALL MONITOR.

"It's Mandy!" I whispered then ran behind a trash bin, nearly being caught by her.

"That's the hall monitor you've been afraid of?" Charlie leapt out of my pocket and went around the corner, trying to get a better look at the girl, "She's kinda hot."

"Mm-yeah, she is, but she's the meanest kid in school, she likes to pick on me everyday." I nervously replied.

"I like her." The guinea pig said.

"What is it with you and human girls?" I shook my head in confusion.

"Boobs." He smiled.

Then we heard footsteps approaching us, "We have to find another way."I backed away from the corner trying to make no sound as possible, "We're in big trouble if she catches us." I whispered.

Then the sounds disappeared.

"Phew that was cl-" I bumped into someone, a taller dude with graying hair, wearing blue overalls and holding a mop, he let out a shriek. "Whoa sorry!" I said.

"Hey, what are you doing here? You should be in class!" The old man's forehead wrinkled and he gave me the stink eye. He grasped my shirt firmly and pulled me closer, "You are in big trouble." His tone sent chills down my spine.

Uh oh, Trouble.

"What's going on over there?" A mean girl voice came from the far end of the hall, it's Mandy.

More trouble.

"I-I'm sorry mister!" I whimpered, trying to remove his fir, grasp from my shirt, "I'm going to class!" I tried walking away but he never let go, "P-Please let me go." I pled.

"Oh no, I'm not gonna let you go," He laughed evilly, "I'm taking you to the principal."

Charlie peeked out of my pocket and looked at the old janitor, "What's with the holdu-YOU." His raspy voice said darkly, staring angrily at the man and the man responded with an evil grin.

"You know him?" I asked the guinea pig and he shifted in my pocket.

"Our old asshole landlord." He said.

"Look who it isn't, Charlie the drunk guinea pig." The old man mocked, "Where are your dimwitted friends? The gay duo?"

"They are not gay!" I protested.

"The last person who said Ian and Anthony are gay ended up with Mr. Stabby lodged in their chest." Charlie threatened.

"Who?" I asked.

"Ask the landlord." He smirked.

"We're not over yet," The janitor pulled out a vacuum cleaner and aimed it at Charlie, "One press of this button and I'll ship you to Kim Jong Il." He laughed maniacally, "And you, Billy Hamburger are in monumentally gigantic trouble."

"Hey, Mr. Janitor! Boobies!" I pointed behind him and he let go quickly turning around.

"WHERE?!" He said.

"Run!" Charlie screamed and I karate-chopped the man's hand from my shirt and I dashed to the front doors, barging outside of the place and running away from the creepy man.

"GET BACK HERE!" The old man gave chase. I ran as fast as I could and went around the school but still with him in hot pursuit. I went to the side of the building and saw a narrow passageway leading to a grey door at the end.

The school's fire exit.

I was growing tired, feeling the shortness of breath as I ran but the janitor wasn't slowing down, it seems like he's fit. "I can't run anymore!" I yelled.

Charlie the Drunk Guinea Pig (POV)
Billy ran along a narrow place, but I noticed the old man gaining on him, "Let me slow him down for you." I climbed up his shoulder and faced the old man, "Come taste my laser eyes you damn poof!" I felt the buildup of heat inside me and my eyes burned, "HYAAAAAAAH!" I shot lasers but the landlord dodged the beam, hitting the trash bin behind him instead and sending piles of paper flying in the air.

"Shit! Keep running, Billy!" I ordered as a shot more beams at the moron. Countless beams were flying about, bouncing through mirrors and hitting the walls of the corridor. The old man just laughed at my aims, "You dare mock me?!" I yelled. I took a deep breath and shut my eyes, concentrating and harnessing the burning sensation inside.

"Hurry!" Billy panicked as he continued to run.

"Wait for it..." I shook violently on the boy's shoulder, "RRRRRRAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHHH FUUUUUCK YOUU!" I blasted a really powerful burst of red laser, illuminating the passageway behind us and creating a powerful explosion.

Billy stopped running and the light slowly faded, revealing the old man standing in the center and darkened all over, burnt hair and missing eyebrows and the vacuum cleaner disintegrated to a pile of ash. "Whoa, I think he's overcooked." Billy joked. The old man slowly swayed side to side and fell face down on the floor.

"Now, let's go to your class, you're late." I said.

Billy Hamburger(POV)
I silently peeked inside the small window of the door of my classroom and saw that Mrs. Fletcher, our cranky, forty something unmarried teacher, checking the class attendance. The chairs inside were occupied by my other classmates except for one.

My Chair.

"Crap, I'm damn late!" I slumped back on the wall.

"I have a plan." Charlie said, "Knock on this door." I did what he said and knocked three times on the door.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

I saw the teacher walk towards the door, "Now go through the other door!" There was a second door that led to the same room but it was nearer to my chair than the first door. I dashed towards that door as Mrs. Fletcher opened the first, pushing it open and lunging to my seat the same time the teacher went back inside.

Phew! That was close!

Her bespectacled eyes look at her class record, "Billy Hamburger?" She called out.

"Present!" I raised my hand, "Great thinking, Charlie!" I whispered to the pet in my pocket before pulling him outside and setting him down on the desk.

"No problem, kiddo, I always got your back." He replied and I just smiled. Charlie may be a booze addict, but he's the most reliable person I could count on ever since the battle of Smosh.

Then suddenly the door burst open, a darkened figure walked inside, head smoking, burnt uniform and missing eyebrows.

"Billy Hamburger, you are in big-"

"HOYAAAAAAAHHHH!" Charlie yelled as I saw a glint of silver flying towards the old landlord. It hit him squarely in the chest. It was Mr. Stabby.

The landlord screamed out loud, the knife was buried deep in his abdomen. "YAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"


And that's the pilot episode of Billy and Charlie!

Sorry if it felt rushed, because I was too busy these past weeks. (Curses at College life)

And sorry for the "forgetting to wear pants" gag, it's a little overused :/

I'll put this on hiatus too for the meantime :)
-Migz