Mercurial Tears & Other Colors

Part 2

Later that night, when the darker forms of her nightmares were at their strongest, Ino heard another knock on her door, and this time she answered it.

Her hardwood floor was a desert she traversed as she approached her door, one devoid of compassionate moisture or reprieve from the unrelenting and harsh elements. She trudged through the arid, rocky ground where ancient tears had once fallen, but they were forgotten. The hot sun made them vanish. She remembered them, though. It was within this crisp, dry brush and yellowed boulders stained by sunlight that she was tightly bound by her issues, and at the end of it she knew there was only more pain, as if even wondering otherwise would be ultimately crueler for her.

A false hope like that would make it worse.

She paused as she reached for the doorknob, despite the slight urgency in her hands. She was focusing on the words Sakura had said. Their entire exchange, much like the other dubious matters in her life, kept thrashing harmfully in her. The last few years had been spent within that quiet, foggy part of her mind where all tend to go when they have wrapped themselves in the cloak of regret and eschewed any relief from it, that unbearable damned cloak that tore away any resistance. She felt as if she would never leave it again because it kept on repeating: the affection, the sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the confusion, the relief, and now it was fear.

She was scared who was behind the door. If she had been in a less aggravated state, then maybe she would have sensed who they were, but she could barely hear her own breathing now. It wasn't Sakura, was it? No, this was a different person, someone who could help according to her friend. But what could they do? She couldn't imagine they would just fix everything right up and that would be the end of it. But then again, maybe all she was really looking for was a little relief—just enough to make her feel normal again, like she wasn't a dejected wreck who couldn't be saved. Yeah, that'd be nice.

So finally, her reluctance slithered away, and she opened the door. Within her agitated mindset, she had pulled it open so quickly that she barely had time to register who it was for a moment. Yet sure enough, those bright, unmistakable blond streaks shined through the doorway, and she found herself openly surprised. And she stood there, staring at him as if he was only an illusion—another kind of sick joke her mind created to help her cope with her dilemma.

Naruto just smiled at her expression like he had been expecting to see it. "Hey, Ino," he greeted softly.

Ino blinked and managed to summon enough sense to say: "Hi."

He nodded in the direction of the doorway in front of him. "You gonna let me in? I know it's late and all, but I thought I could stop by for a little while."

Ino slowly nodded and stepped away to give him access. She watched him enter, and suddenly she felt anxious. Even though she and Naruto had become good friends in recent years, he had never visited her apartment alone before. He had stopped by a few times with Sakura before, but this was a completely new experience. And what really frightened her, what started to lift that withered cloak of regret, was that she was a little happy he came.

She followed him into the living room and motioned for him to sit on her sofa. He took his seat as she grabbed a nearby chair and placed it across from the couch.

Ino managed to strain a smile for him. "I wasn't expecting to see you, you know."

Naruto returned her smile with one of his own, and she could tell it wasn't strained. "Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting to be here either, but Sakura said you needed it."

She frowned slightly. "She said that?" Her problems were definitely not meant to reach Naruto like this. She barely spoke about her more unpleasant feelings in his presence. "Is that all she told you?"

Naruto winced a little, implying he had probably said too much. Of course, she had pieced it together before he had said anything at all, but it still worried her to hear it aloud.

"Pretty much," he stated, "I mean, there was the part about how your date didn't go so well, and that you needed me." There was a brief pause before he gazed directly at her, his face hard and unreadable. "Me, specifically."

Ino averted her eyes from him and fixed them to the floor, her desert scorched by her own shame. "I see. Well, I'm not sure why she asked you, but I promise you I'm fine."

It was then that Naruto's eyes softened, and he shook his head unhappily. "I don't believe you," he remarked.

Her focus darted back to him in a frenzied manner, and she could sense that terrifying cloak tighten around her. She wanted to feel angered by his claim—to act as if it was asinine and not worth considering at all. Yet all she could manage to say was: "What?"

"I don't believe you," he repeated. "It's all over your face, Ino. Did you know you looked so sad?"

Ino wanted to break then. She wanted to cry and scream at him, at her problems, at the world. Her pain wasn't born from grief or any real specific event because then an outsider could probably justify it to themselves—because then maybe they would sympathize. No, hers was born from the loneliness and crippled brooding from under the cloak. That's what happened to those who stayed underneath it too long, and for her it was becoming obvious. She couldn't stand that. She didn't want people to see all that, especially him, especially a man who saw past the pain he received and tried to find a new path for others to follow after him. How was she supposed to follow? How was she supposed to fucking do that when she just wasn't strong enough?

"I...I wasn't aware," she eventually replied.

His striking blue eyes held so much sorrow in them, and she hated that. He was sad because of her, and she hated it. "He didn't get it, did he? Your date, that is."

Ino stifled her tears as best she could. She managed to succeed, but that terrible, corrosive ache in her heart was still there. He saw right through her. Of course, he did, she surmised; she was being transparent with her feelings and didn't even know it. She probably had been for years now, but he had remained quiet and polite, always observing her to wait for the proper time to say something. For that, she was a little grateful, but it was muted like the colors of the sky when the clouds concealed them.

"No, he didn't," she admitted. "He didn't get it at all, Naruto."

He nodded and sighed. He leaned back against the frame of the sofa and looked off at some place unknown to her. She thought he looked handsome then—a thought that had crossed her mind a few times in the past. He was brave and strong, and there was a vibrant kindness to his actions that she had always seen as charming, but she had never acted on those impulses because of her other priorities. As a teenager, she typically found popularity, acts of heroism, and good looks to be the defining features of her ideal man. But she was a little different now, and she considered other factors instead these days. And that night, she considered something else.

"He's not a shinobi, Ino," Naruto started. "You can't expect—"

"I didn't!" she exclaimed as she was being pulled back into reality. "I never expected him to understand!" Her eyes were still dry, much like her lips, and she ran a trembling hand through her hair. She pondered what she looked like then. She hadn't cleaned herself all day, so she must have appeared dirty to him. She was still wearing the dress she had worn for the date yesterday, and it probably didn't even look good back then. She used to be so confident in herself. She used to see herself as a queen, but now she was a crumpled mess of emotion and fear. "How could I expect anyone to understand?"

"I don't think anybody can completely understand another's pain," Naruto said in so low a tone that it almost didn't sound like his voice.

Ino rubbed her shoulder gingerly. "I don't see how that matters here. I'm just complaining, of course." She feigned a laugh. "It's not like my problems are anything like yours were. You were actually isolated and scorned by everybody."

Naruto frowned. "That's my point, Ino; you're belittling it."

Her eyes widened. "What? No, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to. I'm saying the opposite. You went through something far worse than I am—"

"No, it wasn't," he stated firmly. "You can't compare it. My pain is my own and it's nothing like yours, but that doesn't mean it's any less important. It's very important."

Ino was perplexed. She hadn't heard a claim like this before. Naruto had barely ever mentioned his childhood to her, but the few times he did she had listened intently and with an understanding that she couldn't possibly relate to it. But now he was saying that was somehow good—that her pain really did matter, even if it may have seemed trivial in the grand scheme of things. She felt affirmed, cared for, and that was what she had been craving. She felt like a beggar, scouring every hand that offered what she wanted, and that made her want to feel filthy. But this time, with those warm eyes that promised some comfort, she just couldn't dwell on her self-pity.

Ino recalled a time back when she was a little girl where her father had taken her on a long hike up one of the nearby mountains. The hike had been pleasant enough, but what she remembered quite vividly was the sight she had witnessed when they reached the top. There had been a sea of branches and leaves covering such a great expanse that it had made her little head swim with imaginary thoughts and whimsical ideas, as if she was able to just barely glimpse the true intricacies of the world in that singular moment.

But her favorite part of that memory was the beautiful bird that had landed on the rock next to her. Her father had smiled and told her to be quiet, so they could continue to enjoy the bird. And Ino did. Her surprise and delight had been tremendously uplifted, and the simplicity of the beauty didn't seem to limit her then like it did now.

Seeing Naruto's face now made that old memory of the bird rise and settle comfortably within her. It felt like she was almost weighed down by it, grounded by its stability. Yet, it still didn't seem to be enough. This feeling, much like the rest of the world, was transient, and she couldn't clasp a hold that was so blurred like that. It was too ambiguous.

As Ino was caught in her stupor, Naruto leaned forward. "You don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt, you know. I found that to matter a lot in the past."

Ino's eyes brightened as she gathered what he was saying. "How so?"

Naruto fumbled with his hands, as if collecting his words was a challenge. "Well, the more I tried to hide my feelings of loneliness and anger as a kid, the more I felt as if I was distancing myself. But the fact was that I had been so angry, and I was for a long time. I had to take a deep look at myself to realize what I had been doing, and that was when I saw everything for what it was. I had left that part unchecked, and it had felt abandoned." A thoughtful smile spread throughout his lips. "So now I try not hide to anything, if I'm upset or mad, then I don't deny it. And that's made all the difference, really."

He slid across the couch and sat at the end closest to her; he was only less than a meter from her now, his hands ever so near to hers. "So, I guess, you should stop denying it, too, Ino. Don't pretend anymore."

So, she did. She stopped.

She wept and felt his hands reach to console her and she let them. She allowed him to see the awful pain in her tears as the glimmering strands of her hair stuck to her cheeks. They embraced, and she couldn't stop to consider the ramifications of her actions. She had been open to people and yet so closed off as well, only showing the parts she wanted to, and after realizing even those were too much for them, she couldn't accept that anybody would want to see everything. Those parts of hers Naruto spoke of were the ones that seemed so ugly and unwanted, because frankly, they were. At least, people treated them that way.

Every night after an unsuccessful date in the past, Ino was left in a gloomy world. She wrapped herself in that cloak and ruminated over every tiny mistake, every opportunity she had missed as if she could have really done anything about it. But they kept looking at her like that! Those horrible, insufferable looks! They said she talked too much, that she expected too much of strangers, that maybe they were reasonable people with compassionate hearts for telling her this. But they only were when they wanted to be and when you broke the status quo, then they had full right to walk away.

But Naruto was saying he didn't care about all that, and she really felt like she was starting to believe him. Oh dear, was she asking for it, now. She was definitely making a mistake now, right? The slimmer, more abrasive side of her mind said she was, but the warmth in his touch told her otherwise.

"I've always really cared about you, Ino," Naruto revealed as he released the hug and gazed at her. "I hope you know that."

Ino breathed deeply. She felt like she wasn't getting enough air as her heart was also beating rapidly. "Is that all you feel?"

Naruto must have not been expecting that because he flinched and bit his lip. She found that to be adorable. "Well, no, I feel something else, I guess."

Suddenly, that cryptic look between him and Sakura the day before made complete sense to her. Damn, if she had been her usual self, then she probably would have picked up on that. To think those two were capable of keeping secrets should have surprised her, but she was too relieved to feel anything but affection then.

"I hope it's how I feel," she added shyly, carefully. "Because I would really like that. I've wanted it for a long time now, you see."

Naruto shook his head skeptically. "I still can't believe you haven't gotten that, Ino. You're so beautiful and capable; I don't see why you couldn't have any man you want."

Ino typically despised comments like that. It usually showed how short-sighted people could be and that they weren't really considering her feelings, but coming from him then, it didn't seem to be anything more than a compliment. "You'd be surprised what people think, you know," she said.

Her tears ended when she smiled brightly, and she saw his eyes sparkle when they fully captured her. "You really are beautiful, Ino."

She couldn't wait any longer. She lifted her lips and kissed him. She was through waiting for others to give her what she wanted. She had presented herself as blatantly as her pride would allow and kept the really dark parts under the cloak for too long, and yet they still disregarded her; they still pushed her aside. But she was through with all that.

She shucked off the regretful cloak, threw it far away, so she couldn't use it as an excuse anymore. It had never had any real power over her, only the kind she had given it. This time, she wanted to show everything and if they didn't like it, then she just needed to remember that she was the only one with all of it. Nobody else had what she had. Her pain was her own, and that seemed to give her strength. It was enough to kiss him, to accept him as hers.

And Naruto returned the favor. As his kisses became more ambitious, he threw his spine back and took her with him. She fell on him on top of the couch and their lips didn't leave each other, even as they became smiles. The heat of their passion was morphing their originally somber temperaments into something more amorous, hungry. She tugged on his shirt, and he took it off hastily. His fingers scrambled for the zipper on the back of her dress, so she helped him with it. His skin scratched against hers and she deliciously slid her nails along it, as if it was made of marble.

When he pushed into her, she felt whole again. All the pain melted away and created space for a far more pleasurable sensation, one that promised an intimacy she had been wishing her entire life for. She could feel a mirth rise in her, like a bird opening its wing to fly off. She wasn't tethered to unhappiness and its cruel implications, and this opened the whole world for her.

As their bodies intertwined, her eyes fell on the hardwood floor. She felt a little silly as she previously thought it had looked like it was desert. But it wasn't. It was a floor. And she was just a confused woman, so maybe she would figure it all out eventually. Life was so mercurial, always shifting itself to be the most important thing it needed to be in that moment. So maybe later on she would enter in an even worse state than any she had encountered before and maybe she would curse the world once again, but it was meaningless to dwell on such things. Life didn't promise anything, just that it would change. Sometimes, that looked unhelpful or unfair and maybe it was, maybe it was purely against every individual that was born into it. Yet it was so unpredictable that perhaps that was all for the best, and that was just fine with her.

When she awoke the next morning, she found herself in her bed. Naruto was sleeping next to her, and the bedroom was submerged in golden light. The drifting colors she saw outside her window that morning reminded her of all the wonderful thoughts she had that evening. She felt as if the beauty around her had always been there, waiting for her to notice it. No one had to wait anymore, it seemed. And that made her laugh so much it woke up the man next to her, which was great since she could start talking to him. Vulnerability wasn't so bad when she used it for someone who loved her, and she had plenty more to say.

THE END


When I said this was an unconventional romance, I may have used that word a little beyond its parameters, I'm afraid. I didn't mean unconventional as in necessarily different from the standard themes of romance but as more of a personal account. This story was frankly more about my personal issues with relationships. Ino's thoughts and grievances were mostly my own, and as writing is typically a form of therapy for me, I decided that was for the best. If you've read any of my other stories, then you probably already know I tend to do that a lot. I do apologize if anyone seems out of character in this, which they probably do, because, well, I felt the similarities I wanted to show were more important than anything else. I suppose that's what I meant by 'unconventional'. I really hope you can all understand that.

Thanks for letting me share. It helps me a lot.

-CM