Slight note, this story is currently undergoing revisions as I write it I have just put in the revised version of the first chapter. From here on out the future chapters will be revised and spell checked before I post.
Chapter two, Friends
-Friends. That's what we all have, but when friends become something more... can we handle it? Do we want it? What if they're the same gender? Does it matter? Does it matter to others? Do you care if it matters to others? These are the painful questions that you scoff at and try to ignore, but the pit of your stomach forces to to ask in the dark dead of night or in the solitude of the bathtub. These are the questions that you just can't get rid of, no matter how much you scream and thrash. They're uncomfortable. And they don't care that they are.- excert from the secret book of Bemnal the Fallen
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Well hello again, I guess... hmm, I said that I'd talk about Dashie didn't I? Right. Well, our relationship most certainly had its bumps, more so than I was even remotely comfortable with. But you know how that works... The discomfort. The annoying challenge presenting itself with fanatical devotion. Discomfort. The knotting of the stomach. Makes you want to crawl into a ball and die. How to vent such frustrations? The world tosses all these problems at you and how do you deal with them?
Me? I had friends. I needed them, or at least one. Just one friend that I could... I don't know... be a douche with. You know, a buddy pal. Everypony needs friends. Needs somepony to make you feel normal. A constant. Yes, a constant.
Rainbow Dash. My constant. As if I could help but fall in love with her. It didn't start out that way though. All that love at first sight bullshit is exactly that; Bullshit.
There is no love at first sight. There's just random feelings that sneak up on you at inconvenient times because that's just how our brains work, they're not fair, they're not nice, they just act. Period. But sometimes, relationships can start out as something simple and unexpected; like a friendship.
Or maybe that is expected, rather over used and bland isn't it? 'Oh foalhood friends who fell in love, boooooriiiiing.' Well fuck you 'cause this wasn't a pleasant ride from friends to lovers. It was filled with angst, hate, self loathing and contempt. There were times where I wanted Dashie dead and I'm pretty sure she felt the same of me. 'Cause that's how relationships work in real life. They're unpleasant, they're painful, they suck. You hang around somepony who infuriates you but you stick with it regardless because for some reason, in those few moments that you're physically near them, you feel happy.
Are you legitimately happy? Who knows, but do you feel happy? Definitely. And that's all that really matters, being around somepony who makes you feel irrational, who takes away the pain and lets you feel free, devoide of all those fucked up problems in your life, because during those few moments that you sit next to your special somepony; you can tell the universe to go fuck itself and just enjoy the moment.
So it was, the first day that I met Dashie. It was pleasant enough I suppose... a bit random though. I was ohh let me see here... about 13, just recently aged in fact. I remember it so well. Funny how it's so hard to recall an average day from years ago yet there are those moments that you can never forget. I can never forget this moment, why? Because Dashie is special, she's important to me, I need her.
And so, there I was. I walked through the middle school halls bouncing gaily on the cloud floor when suddenly a technicolor maned bundle of ADHD joy rushed up to me exclaiming, "hey Fluttershy! Gosh it's been forever huh?!"
I blinked in confusion, "do... do I know you?" I asked in that pathetic voice of mine as I shifted uncomfortably.
Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes, "pff, duh! Remember 5th grade?"
I remember thinking, 'not much, but I'd definitely remember you.' I mean come on! That cyan blue coat, that ridiculous mane and tail, those beautiful rose eyes; how could anypony forget about her? Not to mention she tends to stand out in a crowd.
But for the life of me, I couldn't draw up any memories of previous encounters with her.
But hey, I was short on friends at that time so if she was stupid enough to associate herself with a loser like me, I wasn't about to push her away, "uh... y-ya! Duh, Rainbow Dash right?" Funny... I thought I didn't remember meeting her before? And yet I knew her name... maybe I did meet her? But I can't quite... remember... it's kind of like trying to remember a dream you know? Words that are so familiar slowly slipping away...
I definitely remember the name, maybe I heard it from one of the other students? Ya that's probably it. Only explanation that made sense to me at any rate.
"Well we should totally hang out tomorrow! What lunch to you have?" she asked in that adorable hyper energetic voice of hers, oh and those parts of her speech that cracked as if her voice was still forming, and that tomcoltish tint to her voice... she really is a very attractive mare you know; in a lot of ways beyond physical appearance. But I'll get to that later.
"Uhh... B lunch I think..." I think? Really? A lunch that I go to every day and I 'think' I know the name of it? Fucking retard... but Dashie didn't seem to mind.
"Sweet! I'll meet you there then! Bye!" and off she went. Just like that; random encounter in the hall ways and RD bumps into me, claiming to know me like an old time friend, and poof, off she goes.
Oh well, I shook my head as I continued towards the nurse's office. Oh yea, I should probably mention that I take ADHD medicine now. Apparently I'm far too hyper for my own good HA! Imagine that, Fluttershy, hyper! Ridiculous right? Wrong. My energy levels have severely toned down over the years but back then I was a little bundle of chaotic joy and over active imagination.
And talk about being a dork... ugh, no I was beyond being a dork. While other foals sat quietly in their seats I pretended my hooves were two little mortal combat fighters duking it out to the death; this did NOT go well in elementary school. I became a freak, a weirdo. I isolated myself from the rest of the herd -no pun intended- and wound up playing by myself in the playground while everypony else had friends and niches to fit into.
Meanwhile I was the creep who waved her hooves around all the time and made sound effects. Wasn't all bad though, if I ever got in trouble and sent to the corner I was more than capable of occupying myself. Now I should probably explain where the mortal combat thing came from, see, my dad was obsessed with video games when he was younger and one day when I was oh I don't know, 6 maybe? I found him playing mortal combat on a really old game system most ponies don't even know the name of anymore, and sat down to watch him; after a while he noticed my presence and handed me a controller.
Ya, give a 6 year old filly a game controller to mortal combat, reall grade A parenting there dad. Anyway, my wings curled around the handles and buttons and boom. From that day on I was a hardcore gamer. I was fucking born to play games. Within a few months I was actually besting my dad at most of the 2 player games he had and soon he just gave me the system and every console game he owned -which numbered in the hundreds, literally I still have the giant box they were all in- and any time that I was stressed out or feeling down, I could just look forward to a video game to cheer me up.
There's another misconception. You'd never think that I was a gamer by looking at me. But that's because I don't show that part of me in public. At least not here in Ponyville where everypony is so old fashioned.
But anyway, back to the nurse's office, I walked in and the nurse smiled at me, she's such a nice lady. And I'd be seeing her in HIgh School as well. I think she just told everypony to call her 'mrs. P' or something. I don't know...
Anyway; it was time to take the dreaded medicine. Ugh I FUCKING HATED THAT SHIT! Have you ever taken ritalin? I remember that North Park episode where everypony got hooked on it and became emotionless drones and I can laugh extremely hard at that because that is EXACTLY what it did to me. But the taste... ugh... di-sgu-sting. I chewed the pills by the way, why? Because I had trouble swallowing pills at the time, I was always afraid that the pill would stick to the lining of my esophagus and I'd choke to death on it. Which almost happened a few times when the nurse convinced me to try it. So instead, my parents came up with the ingenius plan to have the pills put into yogurt that I could then chew.
The yogurt was supposed to block out the revolting taste of the pills. It didn't.
To this day I have issues with yogurt... bringing a spoonful to my mouth gives me post traumatic stress flashbacks to that vomit inducing taste, blech. So ya...
Anyway, lunch time rolled around and I found myself sitting next to Rainbow Dash. Although I was initially thrown for a loop at the whole, "oh hey I know you!" thing, we actually got along pretty well. We liked cartoons and anime and video games. And at the time those made up my entire life so if somepony else loved all of those things then I'd get along with them just fine!
We began spending an awful lot of time together; not that that was a bad thing, on the contrary it was very very nice. I liked having somepony that I could just... mingle with. I also had a coltfriend at this time; he was a very strange sort to be honest... weirdo... OK this'll sound weird but we had this thing where we'd pretend we were half demons and in love, you know like the anime Inuyasha? We pretended that we were the descendants of the characters who found one another again.
Yes I'm humiliated to admit that, go fuck yourself. Anyway, at the time it was more than just play, you know how foals minds are, you make up fictional worlds with stupid scenarios and fervently believe them to be your one and only truth.
Ya we broke up... it was kinda stupid actually, and random. But none of my friends liked him anyway, they thought he was weird, which he was. But so was I. But -and I know this is a dick thing to say- I didn't really need him anymore. I had friends now like Rainbow Dash and Dumbell and Snowlfake and Derpy.
Friends are so important. They keep you sane. And I don't mean that in the stereotypical way that most stories present it. They remind you that there infact ARE ponies you can talk to about your problems, even if you think they won't understand and ya, even if they actually don't understand one bit that's OK because it's not about them understanding or not. It's about getting it out there. Just talking to somepony and telling them about all of your fucked up problems because quite honestly; nopony can hold it all in. Not without bursting like a bubble anyway.
That's why ponies cry you know. It's not because they're sad. You can cry when you're happy or angry or depressed or even excited. Crying is just a way of letting it over flow. When we have too much stuff flying around in our heads, we need to cry to just get rid of the excess. It's very important that we do this... because... without crying...
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We'd break.
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So anyway, a couple days later the middle of the week came. Wednesday. And that was when Dash and I started to grow close. As friends mind you.
See, there was this after school program I think it was called foal's popz or something, it was nice. It was really just a place to round up all the fillies and colts who's parents worked late and couldn't walk or fly home themselves. But what I really liked was that it was a time for bonding. A time when all of the students of the school wound down and just... let go of the usual masks they wear each and every day to school. You know what I'm talking about, you've done it too most likely. To the students you see from day to day in the halls...
As i said, it was nice. Ya... nice... I remember they had this system of points based on behavior; I always made sure to follow every rule so that I could cash in a ton of points at the end of the month to earn pop, candy, and delicious yummies. Then *snicker* I'd get a deck of cards and bring everypony to a table and we'd all shuffle and deal. Then we'd play black jack using our candy and pop as wagers. Some of the best times of my life really. I got to meet and converse with ponies that I normally never talked to.
I also met Gilda there for the first time. I know she was a complete asshole when she came to Ponyville but she didn't always usd to be like that. She was actually a pretty cool griffon when she was younger. I liked her.
It was kinda our thing. Me, Dash, and Gilda. The three amigos who always got into trouble wherever we could find it. Would you believe that I got into trouble as a filly? OH MY GOSH! I just remembered the funniest fucking thing ever OK so Rainbow Dash, Dumbell, Gilda and Derpy were all having a sleep over at my house right? And *snicker* oh shit... oh geeze, OK so it started off simple enough.
I tried to scrounge up any food I could find which ended up consisting of a crap ton of ramen, a bunch of apples, pizza rolls, and some baggles. Not the most exquisite meal ever but it worked.
After gorging ourselves on the probably unhealthy meal *laugh* oh geeze... hold on I need to calm down... oh boy... OK so anyway, Gilda was entertaining us with a comedy routine which she was actually very skilled at before my mom yelled at us to shut up and go to bed. So we slunked down into the cloud basement.
And then... I'm not sure who suggested the idea but. Somepony suddenly got the impression that it'd be a good idea to pull a bunch of pranks on the Two Seasons.
OK so earlier that day Gilda had been lighting off a bunch of black cat fire crackers for entertainment when she found this weird Styrofoam orb in the basement; then she'd stuffed a bunch of black cats into them throughout the whole circumference. But couldn't find a use for it.
Well... we found one...
We snuck out through the window in the cloud basement and glided down to the outskirts of Ponyville. The first thing we did was decide to pull some minor pranks on the locals we didn't like. For my part, I brought us over to this one old stallion's house. I didn't like him because I was trying to mow lawns for some money and he'd refused me with quite a rude tone to his voice followed by glaring at me from the window as he watched me leave. Talk about a creeper.
So what did I do? Goaded on by my friend's inhibitions I... urinated on his carriage. WHAT?! He should've let me mow his lawn! Or at least been respectful when declining me! Well this is what he gets! Flutterpiss on his carriage door handle! Take that you creep!
My friend's decided that it'd be a good idea to copy my example and Dumbell urinated on the carriage as well while Rainbow Dash and Gilda pissed on his door; Dash made sure to aim for the door handle which Earth Ponies can only handle with their mouths.
Best. Friends. Ever.
So ya, we eventually made our way to the Two Seasons which was a series of apartments where Zebras from simoloa? Simaloea? What ever the hell it's called, stayed. As we approached we could already smell the weird oils that they covered themselves with.
I'll admit. I used to be very prejudice against Zebras from simo-whatever country. I don't like to think of myself as racist and I have no problem with Zebras in general, it's just the simo-whatever-ions, rubbed me the wrong way. And I wasn't alone in that endeavor.
"Hey Fucktards!" Dumbell yelled out to the apartments, "aaieeieie kalahoba dop! malchenacal hiney ho!"
The rest of us looked at him with confuzed expressions, "did you get high without me?" Gilda asked.
Dumbell scoffed, "I am merely speaking to them in their native tongue of retard-neese." he replied.
We all burst out laughing. Now a days I feel guilty over how inconsiderate I was but at the time, my stereotyping was palpable. Gilda lit the black cat on her Styrofoam of doom before chucking it at the apartments.
We all stood in the street giggling when they lit off with a series of pops... and the breaking of glass.
"OH SHIT!" Dumbell giggled out and the four of us high tailed it out of there.
Now here's the funny part.
For whatever reason, Gild was running on two leggs and for whatever reason; we were all in our pajamas. And for WHATEVER reason, Gilda's waist was far to lith for her pajamas which were unfortunately not tied.
The end result? her PJs fell down around her ankles and she fell face first into the ground.
The rest of us burst with laughter as we continued to run I mean come on! The now half naked Griffon got back up and two legs and started shuffling down the street as best she could with her PJs around her ankles yelling, "EEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHH!" I almost peed myself.
We would have many adventures thereafter of course. Sleep overs that turned into sneaking out of the house and going around town at night. One time we were running around with ninja masks that Gilda showed us how to make form shirts -the secret is to put your head through as if you were putting it on normally and then let your head poke through the top, adjust it so only your face shows and then tie the shirt sleeves behind the back of your head. Then pull the botom section over your face and boom, instant ninja mask-
We grabbed improvisational weapons like bats and chains and went around back allies like we was ganstah or something. Gosh we were such retards. It was all in good fun though. Poor Derpy forced us to walk almost everywhere since she can't fly very well. You think she has trouble nowadays? Oh no, NOTHING compared to back then... it was almost laughable. So we just walked and talked about life and what not.
It offered a lot of bonding for us...
And then we stopped by Gilda's house. She has the most adorable little sister by the way. She pretended that it was her daughter and her mother kept giving her glares insisting that she was messing with us. That's when I found out that she's also a huge pot head; apparently a lot of ponies in Cloudsdale are on some kind of drugs. Not me though. 1: I don't like things that take away my free will like narcotics 2: I'd never be able to afford it. So with those two things in mind, I never had to worry about falling into the life of a druggie.
But middle school wasn't all sunshine's and smiles.
There was bad stuff. Silly stuff. And happy stuff.
The Bad stuff... let's get that out of the way before I change my mind on speaking of it. So one day I was walking through the halls of the middle school with all of my text books bound in my forehooves, I was fluttering along not really paying attention to my surroundings when I slammed into another filly.
Before I even knew what was happening, I was being held up by the scruff of my shirt by the filly's hooves. My senses came to and I realized somepony was picking a fight with me. I'd never encountered a situation like this before. Sure I'd been in fights as a tiny little elementary school-er but those were petty scuffles consisting of shoving matches which later just dissolved into unexpected friendships.
But this... I could see that this filly wanted to fight. I wanted her to let go of me, but as I said, I'd never been in this situation. Now a days if somepony tried to physically harm me I'd bash their fucking maw in with my skull. Course now a days I actually have the martial arts knowledge and fighting experience to back that up. Back then? No, I knew NOTHING about fighting. Even worse, I had no combat experience so... I froze... my body locked up. Everything except for my eyes. So I glared. I stared that bitch down for like... 15 seconds. I think she said something and I said something back but I don't remember the conversation.
What I do remember is that after a while she just put me down. And then we stared at each other for a while with leers. And then we just went our separate ways. I picked my stuff up; and then the principle walked through and asked me if I needed help. I froze up. But he didn't see anything that happened so... I was in the clear.
And then the next bad thing that happened... let's see... hmm... oh yes, there was that time in gym class. Dash was with me. We were in the weight room; we had to do that thing where you work out in one section, move to the next, work out for a while and move to the next.
Anyway, there was this other filly named Petunia, gosh I fucking hate her. Still do actually, and she'd continue to torment me through High School as well. Now a days there's really no animosity. She grew up and learned to quit acting like an immature bitch. But that doesn't erase the things she'd done. And it doesn't fix the desire I have to disect her with a meat cleaver.
Because that's the reality of the thing. Bullies, you don't just forget them, you don't just 'get over' them. They stick with you for life and you constantly run those situations around in your head about the times they picked on you and how you wanted to shove a pencil in their neck and watch the blood drain from their bodies. 'Cause that's what those fucking cunts deserve. They should die. They should all die and burn in hell for eternity. That's how most ponies feel about bullies. Because most ponies have suffered at the hooves of bullies in the past. And you know what? It goes beyond prodding. Some bullies are just plain cruel, sadistic even.
The ones I had were very minor in retrospect. All's they ever did was use words to get a rise out of me. Pretty fucking dumb thing to do. Why do you think all those school shootings and teenage serial killers happen? It's because of bullies. Because when you're pushed around like that you eventually get pushed to the precipice, and then, if you can't catch yourself as you fall well... you snap. And you want to see it all burn. It's filthy and shitty anyway, who cares if they die? The world will be better off without them right? That's the line of thinking that so many ponies hold. And it's perfectly rational from one perspective. And yet... what if you had a bad day? You were really grumpy and then you found that one stupid douche-bag who annoys the fuck out of you and you decide to pick on him? And then what if you enjoy it? Does that make you a bully? Do you deserve to die do?
Well... maybe that's why common ponies aren't trusted with the rights to make laws. 'Cause I know the first law I'd write: All bullies must be executed. That'd actually be a really really terrible law, it could be so massively abused. And it's just plain stupid.
You can't get rid of bullies. They're a part of life. And no matter how much you want to deny it, You're probably a bully to. Maybe not a major one, maybe just a tiny little minor one but odds are, at some point in your life you've enjoyed tormenting another pony. It's just part of our nature to release stress. And why bother dealing with your own problems when you can pour all of that anger out on somepony else and make them as miserable as you? Why do they deserve to be so fucking cheery all the time while you're border line suicidal?! Fuck that! Fuck them!
Anyway, the bully, right... so I don't remember the entire conversation it was so many years ago -funny how angry memories are so strong but un-detailed isn't it?- But I think she was poking fun at me for being a weak crybaby. I wanted to tell her that she could go fuck herself but that's not what I do. The normal mask I wear is Necessaryshy. And Necessaryshy doesn't make waves. She takes everything in quite stride, not talking back, not fighting... just bottles it all up inside.
Anyway, eventually those jibes switched from me to being directed at my mom. And I took exception to that.
It really got bad when she grabbed the weighted jump rope and began twirling it around in-front of her crotch saying something along the lines of, "oh I bet your mom can't wait to get a piece of this!"
It was such a retarded insult really, kinda pathetic. But when you're young, words and phrases don't need to be complex, they just need to hold emotion behind them. And this emotion was extremely mocking. Normally that doesn't bother me immediately as I said I usually just bottle everything up. But it was the fact that she included my mom very specifically in the insult that set me off. I love my mom more than anything and I don't tolerate that shit. I threw down the weights I was trying to lift and got right up in her face screaming, "say that again and I'll fucking kill you!" my lip quivered as I spoke too. And I meant it, I was only inches away from belting her across the face; the only thing holding me back was the desire to avoid getting in trouble.
"Woaaah, little psychoshy here!" she laughed out, but I saw her step back, maybe she saw how mentally unstable I looked and decided to back off a bit. I felt Rainbow Dash's hoof on my shoulder which calmed me somewhat...
But I was grumpy through the rest of that entire day. I couldn't focus on my school work, I couldn't get anything done, and I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid bitch. All's I could do was run scenarios through my mind where I said something whitty back to her; where I got back at her and told her to fuck off or even beat the snot out of her.
But no amount of thinking will change what was. I didn't care.
A couple other things like that happened every now and then but I soldiered on...
'Cause that's what we do. We soldier on.
Things got hectic after that.
And with all of these issues, how did I hang in there? Rainbow Dash. Dumbell, Derpy, Gilda, those were the reasons I didn't snap. Gilda made me laugh, Dumbell taught me how to stick up for myself, Derpy showed me it's OK to be weird and different. And Rainbow Dash... she was a mirror. A filly just as messed up as me. It was comforting to know that I wasn't a lone.
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It's comforting to know you're not alone.
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Rainbow Dash was a shoulder to cry on. You know, we became like sisters after a while. So close... so intimate. we shared everything with one another. We even watched porn together. I remember one time when I'd gone through a period of extreme horniness as my adolescent hormones raced, I tried to learn auto-fellatio, well, the female version anyway.
I'd told Rainbow Dash about it and we both spent like an hour in my room trying to reach our own cunts with our outstretched tongues, just to see if we could do it.
All that we ended up achieving was hurting our backs and not much else. But was nice to do something so weird like that with a friend who didn't judge you for it and in fact, joined in the insanity.
'Cause that's what friends do. They offer comfort. Friends... one of the most precious things in the world, more so than most of us realize. When's the last time you just... hung out with a friend? Face to face? Talking about whatever bizarre things you talk about privately away from curious and judgmental eyes. The secret things that you'd never want anypony else to overhear. When's the last time you sat down and had a pleasant conversation with a friend? Bonding with them intimately? And I don't mean just any friend, I'm talking about that SPECIAL friend whom you can do anything with and it never becomes awkward or weird?
Friends... don't ever try to soldier on without them.
Well; I'm really tired so I'm going to turn in for tonight. I said that I'd get to the juicy parts with Dash and I didn't I? Sorry, you'll have to wait until tomorrow for that part of the story. But... it's also the... 'bad' part of the story... filled with the most pain... and the day when I looked at a blade and contemplated draging it across my wrist. So much can happen in a year... my 15th and 16th years... those two were the darkest and brightest of my life. Filled with the most pain and the most emotional growth.
Well, I'll get to those years tomorrow, I can barely keep my eyes open right now so... good night I guess.
So this is me. Fluttershy. Soldiering on.
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