A cold chill ran down my spine as I entered the elevator. Maybe it was that I just left sickbay, and my two best friends. Maybe it was that I just openly yelled at Spock. Maybe it was that I was to be confined to my quarters to get sleep…I think that's the biggest reason.
As I step inside my quarters, my bed is at the other end of the room and I don't want to get in to it. I feel afraid. That kind of bone numbing fear that completely captures your body. It's so daunting and I'm just so tired. The bags under my eyes have bags! But I can't go back…what if I have the same dream? If I call myself unfit for duty, they'll ask why and if I keep staying on duty, I'll snap. It was bad enough I screamed at Spock…
I'm feeling a cold isolation…last night…I didn't know I could cry so hard. In fact, it scares me that I did. I'm supposed to be the captain of a starship. Not an emotional wreck.
Like the rest of the night, my mind turns over the dream. Oh god, how dare I call it I dream. A nightmare is the god of understatements. I keep trying to find an explanation for such visions, for not being afraid. I keep telling myself it's just a dream, but it feels so real. So horrifically, disgustingly real. It ends that I'm in my quarters. I wake up in that same place and its so real.
But I can't tell them what. It's too absurd to explain, too weird and I just…can't bring myself to do it. If I explained it, words would probably fail me, like they did in the nightmare, and…I have this insane feeling…like it's going to happen. I don't understand how my head could've come up with something this awful.
I hate the English language.
Awful? What kind of word is that to describe the feeling of absolute and sheer aloneness, and guilt so strong, I don't even deserve death. That's to merciful a punishment. I deserve the torture that I'm watching – no, worse. Self loathing so strong it engulfs my mind and so much fear, nothing could ever make me who I am again. So much fear…I want to die. But if I do…then I can't save them…
Slowly my thoughts churn and I feel myself drifting into unconsciousness. I'm trying to escape, but a cage…I can feel it's cold steel…wraps around me and I can't get out. Once again, I'm captive in a prison.
And suddenly, I'm looking at myself. The other me is grinning impishly. He's outside of the cage and his hand is clenched into a fist and he opens up his palm to reveal a bite sized enterprise. He shakes it once, I hear murmur that sounds like fifty billion ants with tiny voices, quietly. He shakes it again and I hear the screams of these ants. He keeps on shaking it and I hear blood curdling cries that grow in sound all around me. I try so hard to snatch it from him, but my doppelganger simply moves it away.
"Ah ah ah. You have to beg for it." The screams around me get louder. Some are more definable. I recognize them. A cry from yeoman Rand, a sparse yell from Scotty, a shriek from Uhura, a howl from Bones, and something that made the hair on my neck stand on end, the cry of my Vulcan companion, Spock.
I get on my knees and shake the bars of my cage, pleading them to be safe. Please…please let them be safe. The other me laughs. "Like a puppy." He says, cruelty lacing his voice. He shakes the enterprise once again, more yelps of my friends fill my head.
I'm past the point that I need my dignity. I do whatever he says, it's embarrassing, as the tears roll down my face…
"Give…me….my…friends…" I manage to say. My mirror looks at the ship model, then at me, my helpless face, and back to his palm.
"Not yet." He smiles sweetly. Disgustingly sweet.
All of the sudden, There's Uhura, Chekov and Sulu. "Uhura! Chekov! Sulu!" I yell. They seem oblivious.
"They can't hear you, Jimmy."
I don't even care he calls me by such an informal name. "What do I need to do?" I plead, my voice swelling in hot, steaming tendrils.
"Just watch." He says, his grin intensifying.
Suddenly, they all have those shock collars from when we were on triskelion. There's a flash in his eyes and their screams drown out the wails of the enterprise. It's so loud…
"Let go of them! They'll die!" I choke out, trying to reach out to them. My captor squeezes his eyes shut and scowls in distaste.
"Oh, these friends of yours, they're so very loud." He snaps and they are silent. But still squirming for breath, being zapped of life by the second. I'm trying so hard to stop him with my words but I can't speak because of all the pain of suffering I'm feeling in my chest. I try to heave myself against the bars and break the metal.
"Well, you're doing a fine job! This cage is almost broken!" He says angrily. Just then Scotty appears. "It seems your engineer is a fine choice for fixing this up for us." I call his name and he comes over. I'm desperate for him to recognize me…but his expression is so blank, it drains my face of color. He has a toolbox and begins working on the cage. He tightens bolts. Replaces bars. And makes the cage smaller. Now it is stronger and harder to break throw. I have to kneel to fit.
"Alright, do you want your ship back?" he asks, as if he really wants to know.
I nod, desperate.
"It is a fine ship," he examines it. "I see why you'd want it."
"Give it to me…"
"Not just yet, my friend." The way he says 'Friend' makes me sick to my stomach.
Then I see Bones and Spock. My two closest friends in the world. Closer than family. More than brothers. All of a sudden I feel like I can conquer this. That with them here, I can do anything. But that feeling drowns and dies when I see them stand next to him.
Spock, McCoy and Me. That was the way it was. And I see it. But that's not me.
He scowls at them. "On your knees." They do not protest. Normally I'd expect Bones to raise an eyebrow. 'Excuse me?' he'd say in the don't boss me tone. Or Spock to say, 'I do not believe you are fit for duty, Captain.' But they sit, and obediently wait, looking up into the opposite me's eyes.
"Don't listen to him!" I yell. "He's a liar! A fake! Bones! Spock! Stop!" I yell. It scares me to see them like this…without free will.
He seems to be enjoying this. A lot. I want to throw up. I want to die. "These are your friends, Jimmy?"
"I am the captain of the enterprise and you will address me as such." I try to regain confidence.
"Oh, I'm sorry, captain." He laughs a little, like I'm a child. "Are these your friends?"
"Yes…" I say, wondering if I should have answered.
"Friends? These are officers." He chuckled. "No, lower ranking officers! Tell me, do they have friendship for you?"
I stare at him, deciding this wouldn't be a good topic to pursue with an evil spirit such as this one. I'm disgusted…and scared.
"Do they?" he asked through a clenched teeth grin. Suddenly, there was I knife at McCoy's throat. My stomach leapt into my throat.
"Yes!" I yelled. The knife was lowered.
"See? It's so easy to save lives. And to destroy them." He waved his hand and the knife gently slid across Spock's hand, green blood dripped out and stained the pearly white floor. "You do that everyday, don't you Captain? But, these are your friends! But no they're not. They're tools." Spock and McCoy began to move around, into crawling positions. The other me sat on their backs.
"Get off of them." I growled. He rolls his eyes and grins as the knife begins to float over. "No!" I gasp.
"As I was saying…they're nothing but tools."
"They are not tools. They are my friends." Fear let my voice fall and no anger or confidence backed it up.
"Friends. Alright then." He shook the ship one more time. Screams filled the room once again. "These friends, are they close to you?"
"yes." I respond, afraid of the slowly rising knife that lowers as I answer.
"Are they noble?"
"Yes."
"Do you want your ship back?"
"Yes."
"Then order them to their deaths." My blood runs cold. My vision is blurring into thick shapes and they're barely visible.
"What?" I stammer.
"Order them to their deaths!" he says it like it's my mother telling me to clean my room. Or my teacher telling me class is over. How do I answer to a question like that. If I don't do it, he'll kill them. But I answer with another question anyway.
"Or what?" my voice comes out as a squeak.
"Or I'll torture them with what they fear most. And you'll get to watch!" He says it so cheerfully. I feel like I want death. No, I'd welcome it. I want it so badly…but then I can't save them.
I can't do anything to save the people who I am closest to. The two friends that would do anything for me…who I'd do anything for.
I hear Spock's voice. "Captain, it is logical to obtain the ship. My life shall be sacrificed for the enterprise."
And McCoy's voice agreeing. "Yes…Jim. Please." But I won't have this.
I start screaming their names. "Bones! Spock!" I repeat this over and over again, until I go mute with sobs. My throat has bile in it, disgusting, foul tastes occupy my tongue. Hot, acid like tears are streaming down my face…feelings worse than anything I've ever felt and could be described are racking my body. "Bones! Bones! Spock! Spock!" I'm yelling for them…calling for them…
Then I see the other me look around with surprise, and suddenly this scene is in my room. He disappears. A fade effect sets on the screaming of the enterprise crewmembers and I'm alone in my quarters. I blink and I'm still alone. Just not in the cage anymore…the only trace that it was just a dream.
More on the way! Hope your liking it! This is going to take a turn for the worst in a few chapters with the turn of events…but I CAN'T SPOIL IT! You'll just have to wait. *Laughs evily*
