Okay I would like to thank...
SexySadie88
BEG75
beccatdemon13
becki2810
...for reviewing. I'm glad you all are enjoying this. I know I said I would not update until one of my other stories was done but again, this had kidnapped me! I hope you enjoy this and FYI chapter 3 is done and I will most liekly be updating after four is done. Please review and let me know what you think. Thanks a bunch! :)
Choice choyss- 1. a decision to choose one thing, person or course of action in preference to others. 2. the chance or ability to choose between different things.
Life is full of choices. The choice to clean your room. The choice to get married. The choice to do drugs or drink and drive. Or the choice to put your life into someone else's hands. Every part of life is a choice and ever single choice you make has a consequence. Whether it is a good one or a bad one. You never really know until it bites you in the ass or gives you a box of chocolates. But that's the risk you take.
We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision.
-Gary Collins
No one really knew what to say. It's not everyday you find out that your friend's little sister is flying back home after six years. Trapper couldn't wipe the grin off his face and Billy couldn't stop glaring at him. This happy Trapper reminded him of the very perky girl that was on her back to Boston.
"I wonder what she looks like." Trapper wondered out loud. This was a lingering question in his mind. He wanted to know if she still looked the same or changed completely. He knew some people looked exactly the same when they were younger when they grew up. Joe was like that. The little Darley looked like he hadn't aged one bit. Billy, on the other hand, looked nothing like he did when he was younger. The only reason you could tell it was him was the eyes.
"Probably, the same." Billy groaned. This is what their night had consisted of so far. Talking about Josie. "Maybe taller."
"You don't seem so excited." Bodie smirked, only knowing from Trapper that Billy wasn't too fond of the girl. Bodie and the rest of the guys didn't know Josie. They knew of her but never got to meet her or anything. It wasn't that Trapper thought they were bad, if that was the case Billy would have been the last person on the list of people to meet his little sister. It wasn't because it was safer. Trapper and Billy didn't want everyone to know about Josie or know what she looked like. They were just gaining attention before she left and they were afraid if they got on someone's shit list, they would go for family. So Billy was the only one Trapper allowed to see Josie. Joe had seen her a few times but he was at the age that he was looking to score a girl not play outside with them.
Trapper turned to Billy and chuckled. He knew the day she got home was going to be a field day between those two. Especially, if she was still a smart ass like she used to be.
"She's probably not that annoying anymore, Billy. I mean, it's been six years." He told him and looked down at his beer. "She's grown up since then." Billy frowned feeling a tad bit guilty for being such an ass when his friend was so happy.
"Yeah, well some people don't change. She's been with Kelly for six years." Billy said holding his beer to his lips. "But if she thinks she's going to walk around Southie is pigtails and ribbons, she's got another thing coming." The guys laughed and Trapper nodded.
"I hated that Kelly dressed her that way." he sighed. "But she loved it. She didn't complain. It was her choice too."
"That's the scary part." Billy chuckled. He sipped his beer and looked over at Trapper. "Where is she going to stay?" he asked. Trapper looked over at him and raised his brow.
"With me. Where else would she go?" Trapper asked, not sure as to why Billy would ask such an obvious question. Billy smirked and set his beer down.
"Did you forget how she was or was I just judging her way too much?" Billy asked. All the guys looked at him like he was crazy and he chuckled again. "Trap, she's going to have a fucking conniption fit when she sees your place." Trapper's eyes widened and he let his head drop onto the table. He now realized what Billy was talking about.
Josie was border line OCD. She had everything in her room organized and color coordinated. Even her clothes were from light shades to dark. Her bed was made every morning. Her dresser was nice and neat. Her shoes were in a rack in her closet. Everything was near perfect. And as of now his apartment was the complete opposite.
"I gotta go clean." Trapper stated, still holding his head to the table. He picked it up and smirked over at Joe and Billy. "And you're helping." Joe groaned and Billy cocked his head to the side.
"What was that?" Billy asked, holding a hand to his ear. "I could have sworn you just told me that I," he said, pointing a finger at himself. "Was going to help you clean." Trapper stood up and shrugged his jacket on.
"Come on, Billy." he smirked. "Its help me clean or hear her whine when she gets here." Billy grunted and finished his beer before standing up. Trapper smirked and followed Billy out the bar with Joe right behind him. They piled into Billy's car and he sped through the streets and down to Stokley Hall. Trapper pushed the door open to his two bedroom apartment and sighed.
"Yeah, she'd die." Joe nodded and looked around. Trapper had at least thirty empty beer cans in the living room. About ten bottles and trash was everywhere. The couch had chip crumbs and pizza crusts in the cushions. Trapper and Joe both turned to look at Billy when they heard his deep chuckle.
"Maybe we should leave it be." he suggested. "Might scare her back to California." Trapper glared at him and Billy held his hands up in mock surrender. "Joking, just joking." Trapper sighed and looked back into the living room.
"Joe you take the extra bathroom and Josie's soon to be room. I'll take my room and my bathroom. Billy you tackle the kitchen and living room. Think you can do that?" Trapper asked them. Joe huffed and walked down the hall to Josie's room and Billy leaned against the wall. He and Trapper held each other's glare for a moment and before Trapper gave up.
"What?" he asked.
"As long as it gets done, right?" Billy asked. Trapper looked at him confused and nodded. Billy smirked and waved his hand at Trapper. "Alright, go now. Shoo." Trapper shook his head and walked down the hall to his room. Billy waited until Trapper and his little brother were completely gone and pulled out his cell phone. He dialed a semi-familiar number and waited for someone to pick up.
"What?" came the irritated voice. His smirk fell and was replaced with a hard glare.
"Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?" he barked into the phone. He heard a mumbled curse word and then a sigh.
"I didn't look at the caller ID." she apologized. Billy grunted and pushed himself from the wall. He wasn't one for excuses or attitude.
"I need your assistance." he told her bluntly.
"I have a client in twenty." she reminded him. Billy grunted again and walked back out of Trapper's door.
"I fucking know that, Holly." he said through gritted teeth. "I fucking sent him to you. Therefore, I can take him away. Now I need you over at Trapper's place, ASAP." he told her. Holly sighed, wishing she had turned down the offer to make some extra money when she had the chance.
"Whatever." she grumbled and hung up. Billy smirked. He loved getting his way. It's who he was. He had anyone and almost everyone in the palm of his hand, whether they liked it or not.
He looked back inside the apartment to see if Trapper or Joe were in sight but neither one was. He lit a cigarette as he waited for Holly to arrive. She lived about a block away in another complex. He had known her for about five months now. He found her walking through the streets of Boston one night and gave her a ride to her place. Out of no where she started talking about how she was about to loose her place and she already lost her job. He listened as she ranted and cried and when he dropped her off he offered her something she couldn't refuse. He offered to pay her back rent and rent for two more months if she helped him out. One of his main girls had fucked up and gotten pregnant and that meant he was going to loose money if he didn't find anyone to replace her. She didn't want to take the job at first but she needed to money. She was nearly 1200 in the hole with her land lord and her next months rent was coming up soon. So Holly took the 2000 Billy offered without a second thought.
Holly was good looking enough. She was about 5'5" and just over 120 pounds. She had bright auburn hair and light green eyes that were constantly filled with sorrow and hate. But she fit the bill and she needed to money. Some days she didn't mind but other she would rather be killed than go near some of the guys Billy sent her way. She knew she couldn't though. For the short time she had worked for Billy, she became his most prized possession. Every guy asked for her and Billy, for the most part, obliged. She had to give it to Billy though; he paid her well even though she owed him. He made sure she got her cut and he never cheated her. He might have been some tough asshole, but he knew the best way to keep employees was to treat them fair. But she knew the moment she fucked up or didn't pay him, her head would be on a rusty platter in his living room.
"What?" she asked, walking up next to him. Billy didn't hear her approach him and glared at her. He hated her attitude but it came in handy sometimes. She was Irish and a read head, that all rolled into one helped keep her customer's friendly. And if she did get one she couldn't stand up to, Billy was next in line.
"I need you to do me a favor." he told her simply. "And yes, you're getting paid."
"What is it?" she asked, leaning on the rail opposite of him. He smirked and jabbed his thumb behind him to Trapper's place.
"Trap's baby sister is coming home and she's fucking neat freak pest." Billy told her. Holly stared at him in disbelief. Was he seriously asking her to clean Trapper's nasty ass house? She had been to many a party over here at Trapper's place. She also knew that whenever he had a party he never cleaned after it.
"You want me to clean?" she asked him. Billy nodded and looked in the house again.
"Yes." Billy told her shortly.
"Do I have a choice?" she asked. Billy glared at her and cocked his head to the side.
"Do you really need to ask that?" he retorted. "Trapper and Joey are helping, don't worry."
"Why aren't you helping?" she asked. She instantly regretted asking something so stupid but felt a little better when she saw Billy smirk.
"You're kidding, right?" he asked. She sighed and walked over to the door.
"I can't believe you called me over here to clean this pig sty." she mumbled and pushed the door open. She stopped in the door way and grimaced. Billy held a chuckled in and stood behind her in the doorway.
"Well, it's this or Mr. Reynolds." Billy told her. Holly looked over her shoulder at him and frowned.
"Where do I start?" she asked, giving in. Billy smirked and pushed her into the living room.
"You got the living room and the kitchen." he told her and walked over to the island and took a seat. She glared at him as he sat there and watched her clean.
"Just so you know," she started and grabbed a trash bag off the counter next to him. "I'm doing this because I'd hate for that poor girl to live in this hell hole, not because you asked me to." Billy shrugged and pulled out his pack of cigarettes.
"Like I care, Holly." he mumbled. He wasn't sure why he let her talk to him this way but he did. Most of it was probably because Trapper told him one night he thought he had a thing for her. Billy quickly put him in his place.
"It's not a thing, Trapper. You just feel bad for her." Billy sighed. Trapper glared at him and shook his head.
"Why is it so bad to feel bad for the girl?" Trapper asked.
"If you feel bad for one whore, you gotta feel bad for the rest of them. You don't have that much time or compassion." Billy told him. Trapper dropped the subject and kept the comment about her not being just a whore to himself.
ex·pec·ta·tion èk spek táysh'n- 1. a standard of conduct or performance expected by or of someone. 2. a mental image of something expected, often compared to its reality.
Expectations are a killer. Most say to live life with low expectations, so you're never let down. Some say set them high and never settle for less. Some also say to never idealize others, for they will only let you down. Some vow to live without expectations and other's simply vow to expect the unexpected. The latter being the risk taker.
Oft expectation fails, and most oft where it promises and oft it hits where hope is coldest; and despair most sits.
-William Shakespeare
Trapper could only laugh when Joe realized that Billy had called Holly over to help. Trapper knew it was going to happen but he didn't care. Billy didn't know the meaning of the word clean or neat. He was hoping that he would either make Joe do his part or call someone. Trapper was just happy it was Holly and not some other whore. Sure, that's what she was classified as but she didn't do it because she wanted to, she did it because she had to. After a while of working for Billy, Holly slowly started to fit in. She and Baggy's sister Hilary always hung out. Trapper had talked to Holly a few times and told her that he could get her off of Billy's pay roll and offered to help pay off her debt but she declined. Billy now only sent her certain customers and she was almost grateful for that. He had taken a big leap by giving her that money and she wasn't going to bail on him without paying him off by herself. She owed him that much.
"You're a pig." Holly stated from Trapper's bedroom door. He turned to look at the red head and smirked.
"I'm a guy." he told her simply and sat on the edge of his bed. He rubbed his hands over his bald head and sighed. He looked over when he felt the bed shift and smiled at Holly. "Thanks for helping."
"Well, Billy's a good bargainer." she joked. "It was this or old man Reynolds." Trapper shook his head in disgust and sighed again. "What's up?" she asked.
"I'm worried." he told her bluntly.
"About what?" she asked. She had always liked Trapper the most. He was just as bad and tough as Billy but he had more compassion than Darley. He grew up with a family and he chose this life. Billy was thrown into this life.
"My sister. I haven't seen her in six years. She was 12 last time I saw her and she knew nothing about this life." he confessed.
"She didn't know you were in a gang?" Holly asked. Trapper shook his head and laid back on his bed. Holly moved to sit sideways and looked down at him.
"No. I kept it away from her. She was too young to think about the tattoo's being for a gang." he told her. She nodded, understanding that he wanted to keep her safe.
"And now you're worried what she'll think of you?" she asked. Trapper leaned up on his elbows and stared at her.
"Yeah, I am. I don't know what she's like. I don't know what to expect. When she left she was a child and now she's a young adult. I'm afraid that she will come back and not like what she sees. I'm afraid she won't be able to see past the tattoos and I know she will find out about the gang. What if she regrets coming here? What if I'm not what she expects?" he rambled. He was really afraid that the moment his sister laid eyes on him and saw who he really was, she'd leave and go back to Kelly. The first time he lost her it wasn't because of him. He didn't dare think about what it would feel like to have her leave again because of him. Holly nodded, silently telling him she heard every last word. She thought for a moment and looked back at him.
"I think you are underestimating your sister." she told him. "No ones know what to expect after six years. Hell, we don't know what to expect half an hour from now but does that stop us from going some where or living our lives? No, it doesn't." she told him softly. "You're sister is coming home, Trapper. She called you after six years of no contact at all. I doubt she's worried about what you look like or who you hang out with." Trapper sighed and sat back up, putting his head back in his hands.
"I know." he whispered. "I just-" he paused and looked over at her. "It took me a really long time to get over the fact that I wasn't going to see her for a long time, maybe even never. I went through hell after she left. I lost my dad and then my sister. I went down a path that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Billy was the saint compared to me at that time and it was him who saved me." he whispered the last part vaguely remembering the six months of hell that he endured.
This was probably the only time Billy was a saint or showed any kind of compassion for a person. But Trapper wasn't one of Billy's acquaintances or employees, he was his friend. It tore Billy up inside the day Bones informed him that some of the drugs were missing. Billy looked high and low, accused and beat the shit out of Heco until he walked into Trapper's room one day and found him passed out with a needle in his arm. Billy wanted so bad to beat the shit out of him. Not for stealing but for going down this road. Trapper couldn't stop the tears that flowed down his cheeks when he woke up and saw Billy standing over him. When Billy held his hand out Trapper reluctantly handed him the bags of meth and coke that he had taken. Billy didn't let Trapper work for nearly two weeks.
He eventually got evicted from his place and Billy made him sleep in the Office. Trapper got tired of Billy treating him like a bitch and a homeless person and he confronted Billy. He was met with a fist to his face. Trapper stared at his life long friend as he let out a verbal lashing.
"You don't wanna be treated like a low life piece of shit then stop fucking it up! I was treating you like that because you asked for it! This isn't you. It never was and never will be if I have any fucking say about it." Billy yelled. He didn't want to treat his friend like this but no real friend of his would do this. Sure Billy dabbled in drugs but he never got addicted. A few times were fun but once you couldn't live without, you were fucked.
Trapper wasn't ready to admit he had a problem and was MIA for a week. He finally showed back up at Billy's place and agreed to let Billy help him. Trapper wasn't allowed to work with drugs for a while but Billy let him deal with the shop and the money. Slowly, Billy weaned him off of the drugs and within no time Trapper was back to the man he was before.
Trapper was snapped from his thoughts when a soft hand made its way to his forearm. He looked over at her as she smiled sadly at him.
"You're afraid of loosing her again." Holly nodded, understanding. "But why give up now? Why down yourself before she even gets here? You never know what will happen until it happens." Trapper smirked at her and shook his head.
"Some would find this odd." he told her. Holly smirked back knowing what he meant.
"What taking advice from a hooker?" she laughed. "Hey now, don't judge a book by its cover." Trapper chuckled and pulled out his cigarettes. "Besides, I'm not your average day hooker." she declared standing up. Trapper looked at her waiting for her explanation as she walked to the door.
"I'm a housewife on the side." she winked and left.
Trapper laughed to himself as he lit his cigarette. He inhaled and looked over to the dresser at a picture of him and Josie a few weeks before she left. He still had his hair back then. Granted it wasn't as long as Billy's mane at the time but he still had some. He chuckled thinking about the look on Josie's face when she would the matching bald heads of both men when she got here. He looked back at the picture and sighed. She was wearing a light green shirt with a ballerina on it and had her curly hair lying on her shoulders. Her naturally golden skin was shining ever brighter from the smile on her face. She looked so innocent and angelic. He prayed she hadn't changed. He prayed that she had obeyed him and listened to Kelly instead of fighting her. Did this make him naïve? To hope that she hadn't grown. That she hadn't found herself and made a life that was her own.
"I'm going insane." he mumbled to himself.
"You've been there for a long time." Billy said from the doorway. Trapper held his middle finger up without looking at his friend. "It's going to be different. It's going to be weird. And you're going to be a raging mess." Billy told him, walking over to sit down next to him.
"Why a raging mess?" Trapper asked, finally looking at his life long trusted friend. Billy pointed to the picture Trapper had stared at earlier and looked at it.
"She might have bugged the hell out of me, but there's no denying she was a beautiful girl. She had the smarts, the wit and the personality to be an all star high school it girl." Billy told him. "It's the main reason you always wanted her to get out of Boston. A pretty girl like that won't last long, they are an instant target. So unless, she got pushed down the ugly tree after she left, you're going to be a raging maniac when she gets back here."
"Damn it." Trapper groaned. He never thought about that. "You'll have my back right?" Trapper asked. Billy smirked and nodded.
"Again, she might have annoyed the shit outta me and she might have been gone for six years, but that don't mean she won't be considered family." Billy him truthfully. "I helped protect her back then and I'll do it now. Nothings changed." Billy promised. Trapper held his hand out and Billy took it firmly.
"Thanks, man." Trapper whispered as they shook hands. The two men stood up and Billy clapped a hand on Trapper's shoulder.
"Hey, we're family, right?" Billy asked, looking at Trapper. "No need to thank me. Ever. I do it because I want to, not because you asked."
re·sent ri zént- 1. to feel aggrieved about something or toward somebody, often because of a perceived wrong or injustice.
Resentment is like hatred. It's one hell of a strong feeling. You can resent someone for as many reasons as your mind can think of. But in another sense, it's just a meaningless word. It's a word of disappointment. It's a word to hurt someone's feelings and it's a word that is mostly empty. It's a word and a feeling that is commonly only used to hurt others when you have nothing else to say. Most that say it don't mean it. And the ones that feel it hate it.
Love never claims, it ever gives; love never suffers, never resents, never revenges itself. Where there is love there is life; hatred leads to destruction.
-Mahatma Gandhi
"You need anything, miss?" the flight attendant asked as she walked down the tiny aisle. Josie looked up at the lady and smiled.
"No, thanks." she told her. The lady looked down at her and smiled softly.
"You alright? You look a little flushed?" she asked. Josie sighed and looked up at her.
"Going home to see some family after six years." Josie told her. "Just a little antsy, that's all."
"Aww now, don't be nervous. It's just family." the lady smiled and walked off. Josie sighed hoping the lady was right.
Josie had never been so nervous in her life. Not when she performed at her school plays in grade school. Not when she had to speak in front of her class in high school. Never had she been nervous. It was something that didn't com naturally to her. She was always calmed and poised even in the most nerve wracking moments. But today, today was different.
Today she was seeing her brother for the first time in years. She was nervous about seeing him. She was nervous about being back in Boston. She was nervous about starting over in a town she barely remembered but most of all, she was worried about what he would think of her.
Would he be okay with her and her changes? Would he hate her for what she had become? For the things she did, for the things she still does? Would he resent her and the fact that she wasn't the girl she was? Would he resent her for not promising him to behave? Would he want to send her back to her mother and never want to see her again? All these thoughts plagued her mind. The worry of rejection, the probability of disappointment and the fear of him resenting her was more than enough for her to go insane. But instead of going insane she'd take up residence in the bathroom and finally put to use the tiny bag in her bra.
Josie slowly made her way to the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She took a deep breath before walking over to the tiny sink. She had always been a little claustrophobic but hopefully the bag that had been burning a hole in her bra would help with that too. She took the tiny mirror out of her purse and laid it in the counter. She reached into her shirt and pulled out the tiny bag out and smiled.
"Maybe now this flight will go faster." she mumbled as she dumped some of the powder onto the glass. She took out the tiny straw from her purse and leaned over the mirror. With one finger holding her other nostril shut, she sniffed along the length of the line and tilted her head back when she was done. A smile crept across her face as she looked back down at the mirror. She wiped the remaining dust from the mirror off with her finger and put it in the mouth. She looked at herself in the mirror as she removed her finger.
She felt immense guilt and disgust build up inside of her as she stared at herself. There's no way her brother would love her if he knew about this. There was no way he'd let her stay with him. She never took her eyes off of her reflection as she silently vowed to keep this from him. He couldn't know, he'd hate her.
What he doesn't know won't hurt him? Right?
Before Josie knew it she was being awoken by the same flight attendant. Josie sighed when she saw everyone else leaving the plane. She grabbed her purse and fell into the line leaving the plane. As she approached the door, a hand fell onto her shoulder. Josie turned to see the same lady.
"Remember, it's just family." she smiled. Josie smiled and turned back around to walk off. She hoped none of her thoughts from earlier were true. She hoped that her brother would love her even if he found out about her mistakes. She hoped he didn't send her away or let her leave again.
Stop right there.
That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line.
Well, I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there.
Well, I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish I could take back.
-Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K
