Rukawa has chosen not to disclose the nature of his encounter with Mitsui to Sendoh in the knowledge that it would only arouse the growing tension between the two, and elevating it from being more than a basic dispute to a more personal one would only aggravate the hostility that he now temporarily feels for the senior.
The Shohoku ace (and now captain), however, seems to find it hard to avoid his sempai. They'll run into each other from time to time and end up spending pleasant minutes of casual exchanges, though something has started to change in their behavior within each other's presence. At times, Rukawa finds himself confining the persecutions of his mild revolts against Sendoh's lack of time for him to his former teammate. It seems vastly hard indeed to escape Mitsui.
Sendoh, on the other hand, more than tolerates his boyfriend's proximity to the former MVP, for the knowledge of the latter's opinion of him is yet to come any closer. He only believes it's proper for Rukawa to maintain his association with a former teammate and schoolmate. It is, however, a false sense of comfort.
Things are to tread a steeper path and Mitsui knows it too well. He patiently waits for Rukawa, having earlier promised the boy his old high school test papers for reviewing purposes.
He hears a knock on his apartment door.
"Hi, sempai." Rukawa greets politely, if not exactly warmly.
"Come in."
Mitsui hands him a file case, whose contents Rukawa mechanically double-checks. He thanks his sempai and turns to leave.
It comes as a great surprise and immense discomfort when Rukawa steps out the apartment and turns around for a final parting cordiality that his senior closes in until their faces are only inches apart. Mitsui closes the gaping distance between them with a kiss. Now Rukawa is in a zombie trance. As his confusion shoots through the ceiling, he finds his body in a rigid state, refusing to push Mitsui away yet also unable to return the kiss. It's like trying to wriggle himself free from the invitation of self-destruction, wearing a straightjacket with chains and ball and all—an infinity out of which one can never wake.
And there goes Mitsui and his deplorable greatness with no intention of making himself appear to be more subtle. At long last, reality descends on Rukawa and he hurtled away from his senior, abhorring the unfathomable inappropriateness of his own actions or lack thereof. Like a clueless child groping in the dark, he plods his way away from the apartment with no hope of looking back. Upon reaching a safe distance from the building, he slows down and recounts what has just transpired, but his musings raise more questions than they present answers.
He knocks on Sendoh's apartment for whatever comfort it has to offer. There's no answer. Just as he is about to reach for the spare key in his pocket, Sendoh pops out of nowhere and unlocks his apartment door.
Rukawa follows him inside.
Telling Sendoh what has just happened is seriously out of the question. To his belief, there's simply no logic in nurturing the dispute between the two.
"How's your day, Kaede?"
"Nothing much."
"Really? That's what you always say."
Nod.
Sendoh is now frowning, shedding his usual childlike persistence.
"So…is he a better kisser than me?" He asks casually. There's no hint of contempt and mock in it, though.
Rukawa freezes, his eyes transfixed at his boyfriend. He saw us, he thought. Indeed, so much has happened in so small a space of time that guilt can not but hit the target; a moment's panic. He fretfully looks at his lover and on-court rival.
"Akira, I'm sorry-"
"What are you apologizing for?"
Rukawa just stares; he suspects his voice could soon vanish for lack of use. A silent exchange of indiscernible glances followed, and he is opening and closing his pretty mouth, expelling sounds trying to be words like words seeking meaning.
"You didn't kiss him back."
Nod.
"Then there's nothing to be worried about." Sendoh says as though the matter has been resolved.
"I'm sorry."
"I forgive him if you're apologizing on his behalf. But, you, don't ever forgive him."
Now Rukawa is staring at him, utterly perplexed.
"…"
"I forgive Mitsui-san, for he is not altogether a happy person."
"What are you saying?" Rukawa asks.
Sendoh sighs before speaking, "Here's what I know. Your sempai started dating this girl about two years ago in his freshman year here in the university. Automatically, they became celebrities, instant student royalties, which was natural for two beautiful people who found their places in each other's arms. They lasted for about a year. It was a peaceful breakup. Many girls tried to once again capture his heart but he never once looked at any of them. You know your sempai; his utter popularity is not just a mere product of his good looks. His unnerving charisma can work through anything. He's the type whom you're all ready to believe what he has to say even before he opens his beautiful mouth. He's breaking hearts left and right and center and up and down and everywhere in between, but knowing he deserves not just the best but the best of the bests, we can only marvel at him. He once had her, most beautiful girl in the batch, an honor student, from a political family, you name it, then just like everyone else, they fell out." Sendoh pauses meditatively before continuing, "According to Mitsui-san, or so they say, it was a mutual decision. Being the private person that he is, he spared the details, and now almost all still remains a mystery. He never really completely shunned the opportunity of finding someone new. Some say he even entertains it sometimes…only that he's just too good for anyone. And then you came. It was only when I saw him stoop down on you—not literally, but no offense Kaede—and kissed you did I realize how he sees us, how he sees you. For that, I forgive him. I spare him my hatred and anger because he sees in you something that most fail to see."
"Akira…"
"You're not mad at him, are you?" Sendoh asks.
Rukawa shakes his head.
"I thought so. It would be impossible to despise the Hisashi Mitsui; an immutable fact. But don't you forgive him for what's he's done to you."
"…"
"You're not a replacement for the love he lost. However grand it may sound, I'll never let you be a mere filler for what's missing in him. You're not cheap."
...
Here is Rukawa again, bored and staring disinterestedly out the window, awaiting Sendoh's arrival. He sits still, patiently in the coffee shop as minutes of his life pass by like a reading list, almost reaching hours. Finally there is a creaking sound, announcing that someone has just entered. To his utter discomfort, Mitsui has just stepped in. He feels his insides cower away at the sight of his senior. As it was, when his sempai approaches, Rukawa stiffens up in apprehension.
And now Mitsui is standing right next to his seat, his nearness unnerving. Needless to say Rukawa is almost at the point of wincing, he can only look up.
"Sendoh-kun sent me to tell you he can't make it." Mitsui announces before Rukawa can ask.
Rukawa remains silent. The words he heard are so absurd that his mind simply refuses to comprehend. He shoots a questioning look at his senior.
"He sent you?"
"Yes" Mitsui replies. He takes a seat across Rukawa despite the absence of invitation. "I suppose I owe you an explanation."
"You owe me more than that. But let's put it behind us."
"Sendoh-kun and I had a chat."
Rukawa looks at Mitsui square in the face.
"What about?" He asks, waiting for the answer yet for some reason unknown to him, dreading to hear it.
"You know what it's about. He saw me kissing you, and you know it. It strikes me as astonishing that he isn't holding a grudge against me after witnessing what I did to you. Sendoh-kun, his ability to impress me promises no end. You might wanna ask why he entrusted me in delivering you a message when, at all cost, I should be especially forbidden to see you."
Rukawa nods.
Mitsui continues, "Because he trusts you. Among anyone I've competed against, it's only fair to single him out for a special distinction; there's just no one who's as confident as he is."
"There's no competition, sempai; I belong to him." Rukawa declares with a forced insensitivity and bluntness of a blunt axe.
Now the older boy's eyes are gleaming with fascination.
"I am not a threat, that much is true, for you and Sendoh-kun, that is. Sendoh-kun didn't tell me not to get my hopes too high; he told me not to expect anything at all. Point blank. But, you see, Kaede, I don't give up that easily. That kiss I gave you, it wasn't my means of trying to take you away from him; I only intended to make my feelings transparent."
The words buried themselves into his ears in an increasing sense of ambiguity. Rukawa now stares at his senior, whose zest for trouble is reflected in his eyes and playing in the corners of his lips.
"I'm sorry, sempai, I don't follow."
"Hear me out, Kaede. Remember the time when I told you that you reminded me of someone? I'll get this straight now: you remind me of my ex-girlfriend. In the sense that she was so in to me as you are to Sendoh-kun. I can see that you sacrifice a good amount of your time for him. I presume you're now Shohoku's captain? Yes? No surprises there. Time, you spend too much of it not knowing what you're missing. What I've been meaning to say is that I see in you a part of her that died somewhere along the way, something I wished would live on 'til the end."
"…"
Mitsui continues, "You see, I'll say this clearly and frankly and truthfully; I don't long for you in the hope of filling the void she left behind because her being gone was not a void at all. I long for you because I see in you something that she never had or perhaps could never be capable of possessing or obtaining. You're not a replacement nor a remedy. You're simply something I've been hoping to for."
Like under the effect of an unseen power, Rukawa was ready to speak what he wishes to, for Mitsui's words lodge deep in his skin, almost pushing him to pity.
"I'm sorry, sempai, but you and me—not gonna happen."
Mitsui grins, for he has prepared himself to hear it. He is sharp enough to gauge it. Contrary to what's expected, his heart refuses to shatter into a multiplicity of parts. No. Hisashi Mitsui can never be broken. He grins, his relentless perseverance burns—it prevails and forces its way in.
"You know how things die? They start out as real and end up just an idea. But they're still out there, still hovering, still existing, waiting to be believed in. And, you know what, ideas are as good as realities in so long as people care have faith in them. I have faith in us. I'll tell you how it's gonna be; you will continue to seek me, not for affection but for comfort. Because just as you are to me, you see in me what he can't give you. You will continue to run to me, and you won't be able to help it, much less avoid it. You will entertain me despite it all and you will think of me even if you're with him. You say, you and me will never happen; it's not gonna happen here or there but somewhere else, it's already happening, in a realm beyond your control, your influence, or even consciousness. It's happening. It's him that you want. I am what you need. Am I right, Kaede?"
All this talk and these sounds, distort the distance between them, compressing and stretching relentlessly. It is a spectacle of much peculiarity. The truth in what he heard exists somewhere else, in an abstract space where whatever that connects them seems more subtle yet more absolute.
And he walks away, as if nothing draws any emotional resonance from him anymore. He refuses to hear this disjointed nonsense that's contaminating the morning air with staggering amount of confusion. It is nonsensical, in every way bizarre and true by all means permeating, cutting through his skin and bones to reside in him forever, never to go away.
Rukawa continues to extricate himself from it all, only to stop at a point where no one is there to hear him. "Am I right, Kaede?" the question reverberates in his head, bouncing back and forth against his skull. He hears it over and over, echoing the morning away. And he will remain silent for as long as his insides would demand, knowing perfectly well that silence means 'yes'.
END
