In case anyone happened to forget from the last time, I just have to disclaim all the characters and concepts and whatever, for fear of getting sued. Which really doesn't make sense because, I mean, is Jim Henson reading this from beyond the grave or something? I think not. Oh well, policies are policies. Carry on.

By the way, if I don't get more comments, I'll probably stop writing this. I just crave attention, after all.


(Sarah is now in front of the Labyrinth. Yey.)

Hoggle: (tinkle tinkle) La la la, peein' in a pond.

Sarah: Excuse me, grotesquely ugly gnome, how do I get into that there tricky maze?

Hoggle: Dunno. (zips up his pants and picks up a strange squirt bottle, with which he shoots a fairie that happens to be flying by) Lalala, shootin' magical beasties.

Sarah: Le gasp! Why are you doing that, O Ugly One?

Hoggle: (shoots another fairie) Dunno.

Sarah: (runs to the aid of fairie, and is promptly bitten) &#$! That hurt you little... you little... Damn, I can't think of a slanderous term, for I am but an innocent child in the body of an incredibly overdeveloped fourteen-year-old. Oh, well... (stomps on fallen fairie)

Hoggle: Well, I could've told you they'd bite. You're not a bright one, are you?

Sarah: ...I wished away my brother on accident and now I've got to befriend every beastie I meet in this place, or else I might get eaten, killed, pulverized, dismembered, or tossed into a smelly pit O' doom.

Hoggle: 'Nuff said.

Sarah: Ugly One, how do I get into this labyrinth, so that I may save my dreaded baby brother from hard labor, though it is my fault that he's in there in the first place, because I can't keep my wonderously lipsticked mouth shut?

Hoggle: My name is Hoggle, you half wit.

Sarah: I don't care. I'll get it wrong for half the movie anyways.

Hoggle: Oh, whatever. Go through the gate, turn left, and continue straight down until you meet a cockney worm.

(gate mysteriously opens, spouting out lots of mysterious smoke and only half-mysterious glitter. Glitter is never that mysterious, after all. And you'll be seeing a lot of it in this place, believe me.)

Sarah: kthnxbye!

(Sarah goes into the labyrinth and is instantly blinded by the glare of five tons of glitter. I so totally told you so. Lots and lots of glitter.)

Sarah: Oh, this just bites. Not fair! How am I supposed to run around hopelessly when there aren't any turns?

Labyrinth: You're taking me for granted, you little hussy.

Sarah: What the hell does that even mean? And why are you so rude?

Labyrinth: You think I'm rude? Just wait until you meet up with the rest of the gropey characters in this place.

(Sarah starts running, thus cues the action-adventure music.)

Sarah: Curse this particularly well-drawn and highly realistic backdrop that makes what is in actuality a thirty-foot corridor seem like it goes on forever! (slides down wall and nearly squashes some moss with eyes)

Eye-moss: BLOODY HELL, IT'S THE APOCOLYPSE!

Sarah: What the..?

Cockney Worm: 'Allo, 'owd you loike ta meet tha missus?

Sarah: Oh. Did you just scream about the end of the world?

Worm: ...No. I just said "'Allo 'owd you loike ta meet tha missus?"

Sarah: In that case, I'm sorry, I don't have any time. I have to save my baby brother from hard labor and sewing feathers and leather capes for the magnificently hot Goblin King.

Worm: Wot? Ya don't think I'm good enough for ya company? Well, piss off, then, ya bloody tart!

Sarah: 'Kay. Let me go through this really spiffy trick wall then turn in the completely opposite direction of where I'm supposed to be going, thus wasting lots of time and providing Jareth with many ideas with which to kill me.

Worm: Have fun!

(Sarah wanders into a very desolate section of the labyrinth)

Sarah: Why do I suddenly feel like whistling the 'Good, Bad. and the Ugly' theme?

(Sarah is sidetracked by the sound of a baby crying, which miraculously travels over what has to be at least a mile, through many feet of solid stone, and a few hedges)

Sarah: Egads!


(David B- er, Jareth, and his gang of goblins are hanging out in a totally pimptastic room, equiped with pillows, kegs, and chickens. Note to PETA: No animals were harmed in the making of this movie. Unless you count the chickens we killed for lunch when money got tight.)

Jareth: Guess what, everybody?

Goblins: What?

Jareth: It's time for a fabulous little song and dance number! Yaaay!

(Song and dance number. Wooo. Fastforward, 'cause I really don't have a funny eay to describe David Bowie, wearing tights, and dancing with over fifteen muppet-goblins. You'd just have to watch the movie for that one, girlfriend.)

Jareth: Now let's toss the baby up into the air with no care for its safety!

Baby: Eh?

Jareth: (Toss)

Baby: Deargod!

Goblin: Er.. It's not coming down.

Jareth: Oh, give it time. It'll be down in a bit.

Goblins and Jareth: ...(Jeopardy themesong)

Goblins: You wanna go for some cake or something?

Jareth: Nah, I have a hankerin' for some pie.

Goblins: Pie's good.

(everyone turns and starts walking out the door)

Baby: (splat)

Jareth: (still walking out the door) Cleanup on aisle five!


Sarah: I think I'll mark these stones so I don't get totally lost.

Gremlin thingy: I think I'll turn these stones so that your marks get you totally lost.

Sarah: Not fair!

Guard Blue-1: Hey, 'nother talking puppet here!

Guard Red-2: I think Jim Henson rather we'd be called 'muppets'.

Guard Red-1: Oh, who gives a damn? Bottom line, we're not real, and there are dudes with wires and electronics controlling our every move.

Guard Blue-2: How depressing.

Sarah: Hey, are you two.. er.. four.. quite finished?

Guard Blue-1: Yeah, sure, whaddaya need?

Sarah: I need to get to the castle over yonder. You know, the one with the odd music and the smell of apple pie filtering from it?

Guard Red-2: Sure, we can get you there... Just guess which one of us is the right one.

Sarah: (Spouts some impossible logic that I'd rather not repeat, but seeing how it's wrong, it doesn't really matter anyways, now does it?)

Guards: ...(explode)

Sarah: Yay! (skips through doorway and is groped by lots of hands that seem to be suffering from gangrene or something) Ew! I'm underage, you freaks!

Hands: Damn. (drops Sarah)


Sarah: (Falls on her ass in a dimly lit little hole in the ground)

Hoggle: Nice of you to drop in.

(Critics everywhere groan in agony at the horrible, horrible cliche line.)

Sarah: Good god, there's enough glitter in this place to supply an army of drag queens!

Hoggle: It adds a certain fenesse.

Sarah: ...Whatever. Hey, I'll give you this utterly useless piece of trashy plastic costume jewelry if you lead me through the labyrinth and promise not to scheme to get me all turned around out of fear that Jareth will throw you into a farty bog.

Hoggle: Sweet! Deal!


End of chapter two. Hope you all send lots of comments, then share with your friends so that they can comment, then add to your favorites so that strangers can come along and comment. As stated before; I crave attention.