I can remember being eight, and she kissed me for the first time.

It was at Starke's pond, in the dead of winter, and she was cold. I didn't know much about girls, and I didn't know a thing about romance. Frankly, I barely knew what made girls and boys different at the time, so when I saw her blushing.. I thought she just had a fever. I took her hands in mine, like my mother would when I was cold, and I took a breath of air from my lungs to warm them. At first, she seemed kind of confused, but then she smiled, and I could see her staring at me out of the corner of my eye. I didn't know what she meant when she said I was cute, and I didn't know what she was going to do when she leaned forward and pressed her lips to mine, all I knew then was that there was something special about her.

Laying in bed this late at night was always really calming. My house was normally loud and hectic, but at night, it felt like I might have a normal family. It gave me some time to reflect on my day, a way to think about some of the things I said, and then felt really awkward, so I could learn from it. I swear, sometimes I think my brain is on autopilot, but I'm jerked back to reality at the first uncomfortable glance. I have a habit of saying things other people don't get the first time around. My humor is kind of sarcastic, and people don't always see what I'm getting at unless I explain it. By that point, it's not even funny, and they walk away thinking I'm a freak or something. I wish I could feel a human connection to others, but I feel like an alien.

At any rate, thinking about it somehow made me relax. I was abnormally comfortable with how strange I am. I mean, I had a couple friends. I was still friends with Kyle, although he was part of the in-crowd. He wasn't a jock, and he wasn't into drugs or anything like that.. He was just textbook handsome. As he got older, his hair became less frizzy. Might be natural, he might use chemicals, I'm not really sure. He had a thin build, feminine facial features, and he was always happy and relaxed. He was the least cynical person I'd ever met, and although he maintained some of his innocence, he was by no means naive. I appreciated that about him. Things got a little awkward between us after he started dating Bebe this year, but they've been together a couple months now and it kind of feels normal. Bebe and Wendy were so close, I felt weird hanging around with her and Kyle together. I guess what I was most afraid of was hearing about Wendy dating other guys, or just regular gossip the Bebe had to talk about that might involve Wendy.

Tick, tick.. Tick.

I jumped a bit as I heard the tapping, at first unsure of where it was coming from, then turning to my window. I sighed, a little in annoyance, because there's only one person who throws pebbles at my window. I walked over and looked out to see Kenny, but it was weird, because he looked like he was trying to look good. He waved up at me, and then beckoned me hurriedly.

Throwing on some pants and a t-shirt, I rushed out of my room and down the stairs. I'm not sure why I was rushing, if t was Kenny, it wasn't important. I guess I just don't like keeping anyone waiting. I quietly made my way downstairs and out the front door to meet him in my socks.

"Dude, put on your shoes, we're going to a party." He said, grabbing me by the shoulders.

I shook him off, "Like hell I am, its a school night you jackass."

He huffed and threw his head and hands up at the sky to mock me a bit, "You're such a prude man, you don't have any fun."

I pulled my hands over my face in frustration, "You need new friends, you know I don't party."

I started to walk my way back to my house, shaking my head at the waste of my time. You know, he's known me for years and sometimes he doesn't know a thing about how I work.

"It's at Wendy's house." He sang slowly and tauntingly.

I stopped in my tracks and felt a wave of excitement and slight panic role over my body. Okay, maybe he knows exactly how to speak my language. Now I was actually having an internal battle with myself about whether I should go or not. Fuck. I kind of want to go to see her, just to look at her, and I kind of want to go to make sure nothing happens to her. While she was a good girl in most ways, I have heard once or twice before that these parties lead to promiscuous behavior and general mistakes.

"I wonder if she got all dolled up for it." He playfully pondered out loud to me, "Her parents are out of town and anyone is invited. It's a shame you don't party.

"Shut the fuck up, Kenny, I'm getting my shoes." I groaned in defeat.


We got out of his beat up Cavalier about two blocks from her house, there were too many cars to park close, and I could hear some music even from where I stood. While South Park was small and seemingly family oriented, sometimes parents and authorities could be rather neglectful. We have literally one police officer, so unless it was an emergency, he didn't go anywhere. That leaves the racket at Wendy's home to go relatively unregulated.

The closer we got, the bigger and more towering her house seemed to get. I forgot to mention, Wendy? Well, she's kind of rich, and her house is kind of huge. I don't know how many people can even fit in her living room, maybe fifty or sixty, all I knew was that the place looked packed. While the South Park school district didn't actually have many kids, we had a high school with at least a thousand kids from surrounding small towns, and I felt like the majority were currently rampaging around Wendy's property as we were walking up. I started to feel really nervous and kind of sick. I wonder if she'd even see me tonight, there's so many people, no one will probably notice me.

People started greeting Kenny on our way into her house, the door wide open, it was like he knew everyone he passed. I walked in and the place was like a jungle. Everyone was dancing, some were drinking, couples were making out, people were laughing. I swear I nearly got a migraine just from walking into the place. I looked around and as I turned to my right, there were Bebe and Kyle making out. He had his normal tan beanie on, and his red curls were unmistakable.

"Stan! Dude, what are you doing here?" He asked me, pulling his face away from Bebe's.

"Oh I was just-"

I heard a laugh and a playful, drunken yell come from across the room.

I looked over to see Wendy get up on her kitchen counter and start dancing. I grimaced and blushed a bit at her obvious intoxication and shrunk back a bit, not wanting her to see me. Everyone around her started cheering and singing along with her to "Style" by Taylor Swift.

"Hey man, don't worry about her too much," Kyle said, grabbing my shoulder, "She's never too crazy."

What the hell did he mean? She's practically stripping on her counter top and she's not crazy? I was having trouble understanding her actions, because at school she was kind of a goody-two-shoes, aside from the fleeting rumors about her out of school behavior.

"Midnight!" She sang, "You come and pick me up, no headlights!"

I blushed and gritted my teeth together, covering my eyes and letting out a discontented groan, "Kyle, I can't even watch."

I turned back to see that he and Bebe had already gone back to sucking face, so I sighed and walked forward to explore what else was going on, while also still keeping an eye on Wendy.

"Drink this, dude." Kenny came by and shoved a red solo cup in my face.

I cocked an eyebrow, turned my chin down and looked at him with an obviously unsettled look.

"No dude, it's just punch, I swear." He held his free and up and shook his head, he then held up his own cup, "This though, this is going to fuck me up."

He downed his own glass in pretty much one go and made a face, then yelled an excited cheer.

"Take the punch, dude. There's a chick over there I want to lay." He said, shoving the cup at me, so I grabbed it.

He walked away into the crowd and I turned back toward Wendy, who was now hiking her skirt and continuing to sing. My face turning red in frustration with how she was acting, I looked down at the cup. I took a mouthful of it, and I could taste that it wasn't just punch. I looked up at her again, rolled my eyes, and made my decision.

Fuck it, I'm having a good time.

From that point forward, I was taking every cup that came my way and just drank whatever contents were in them. I came across one cup that I recall tasting entirely like gasoline and having a rough burn, and at that point, things started to get kind of weird. People all became one big blur, and I started to stumble a bit. At that point, I knew I had altered my perception more than intended, but I still had enough about me to look toward Wendy again. This time, Craig had hopped up on the counter with her, and I could see his hand on her waist. I could hear what I vaguely recognized as the song, "Talking Body", but the way I heard it seemed kind of wrong. I only heard every other word. It felt like the whole crowd of people were laughing at me, they all knew that was my girl, and there she was grinding on Craig Tucker.

I don't know where I worked up the audacity, but I started walking toward the counter she was dancing on and I looked up at her. In the whole crowd of people, I was the only one not dancing. I was the only one not smiling. I watched her dance for one minute, two minutes, ten minutes, but then she looked down at me and her smile faded a bit. She got kind of a surprised look in her eye, while maintaining a semi-calm look on her face. Her dancing with Craig had slowed, and she put a hand on the buttons of her shirt as if to conceal herself a little. She noticed me, and she almost looked.. Guilty.

I immediately felt sick when I fell into her gaze, but not a throw-up kind of sick. An "I'm about to cry" kind of sick. While normally I could control that feeling, right now, I was in no condition. I turned away from her and started walking in a direction that I wasn't even sure of, picked up a full cup off the counter, and downed all of it as I felt a tear roll down my face. I drank for the first time that night, more than I ever imagined. Every cup I came across, I downed what was in it, taking no regard to who might have had it beforehand. Eventually, everything started seeming less and less real, until I blacked out entirely.


I woke up with my face on something hard. I could tell a source of light was nearby, even through my eyelids, and I opened my eyes cautiously. There was a checkered white and black marbled floor beneath my face, and I could see what looked like a bathtub in front of me.

What the fuck.

I tried to recall the night before, but after gazing up at Wendy and seeing that.. Look.. On her face, I can't remember anything at all. I sat up in alarm at my situation and looked around, my head spinning. I'm still at her house, Jesus fucking Christ. I stood up and immediately fell head first into the foreign bath tub, and heard a loud yell, that resulted in me yelling out of fear, but I fell into some kind of tube, so I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I fell over on some male, judging by his voice, and we were both flailing around trying to figure out what the hell was going on. I fell backward onto the floor and flipped my hands around my face to remove whatever was blocking my vision. Lamp shade..?

"Stan, what the fuck, you fucking scared me." A voice said.

I shook myself out of my dizzy daze and saw a panting, raving Kenny.

"Kenny, what the fuck is going on?" I asked in a panic and gestured to the bathroom.

He took a sigh, still catching his bearings, "Well, you retarded Casanova, I had to lock you in here last night with me because you were fucking crazy."

I walked up to Wendy, pulled her from the counter and caught her, pulling her shirt back on and standing her upright.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, Stan?" She yelled, pulling away from me.

Sat back against the cabinet and put my head in my hands, suddenly feeling my heart sink. Oh no. No. No. No.

I pulled her back to me and I looked her in the eyes.

"Wendy, it hurts me to see you acting , like this." I said.

No, no, no, oh god, no.

She stopped and stared me in the eyes, everyone around us was staring, and she started to look around, embarrassed.
"Stan, I," She started to look flustered and confused, "Who do you think you are?"

"I think I'm someone who fucking cares about you. Wendy, I love you." I yelled at her, earning a gasp from her.

"Oh my god." I gasped and started sobbing, "Oh my fucking God, oh my God, oh my God."

"Woah dude, don't freak, don't freak, she's right next door." He said in a hush, putting his hands up and shaking them at me, as if it would calm me.

I hit my head back a few times on her cabinet and groaned to myself. First words I say to her since we were ten, and that's what had to come out. Not "hey", not "how are you?" No, I had to bring out the big three letter phrase and basically tell her she's acting like a slut in front of all of those people. She's going to hate me.

"Okay, come on, we need to get out of here before she sees you, man. Maybe she won't remember anything." Kenny said, climbing out of the bathtub and offering me a hand.