Destiny
It was dusk when the time
machine finally brought me back to when and where I belonged. As I landed the
craft, I tried to see if anything had changed. I surveyed the landscape but
couldn't really distinguish anything in the rapidly fading light. But even with
the fading light, I couldn't miss the gaping hole in the roof of the Capsule
Corporation building, and it taunted me.
I jumped out of the machine
as soon as it touched down and was immediately tackled by my mother. She looked
me up one side and down the other, trying to see if she could figure out exactly
all I had done while on my trip to the past. She started talking as soon as
she saw me, babbling about what I had done, who I had seen, if I had given Goku
the medicine
I grasped her by her shoulders
and held her at arms length to get her attention and stop her rambling. "Mom!"
It came out harsher than I had intended, but I just had to know. I had to know
if I had made a difference, if my trip had been worth it. "Has anything
changed?" I desperately searched her eyes for the answer.
But I knew I didn't even
need to ask. The sadness and loss I saw in the depths of her eyes told me everything
I needed to know. The androids had taken away everything - her friends that
were closer than family, the one man she knew she belonged with - all of the
things that were most important to her, all of the things that would be most
important to anyone.
I saw the sadness that was
always somewhere in the eyes of my mother; the pain of loss that she had so
valiantly tried to hide from me all of my life. But as I aged, I knew how to
spot that look just as easily as her moods. It was as much a part of her as
her seemingly endless optimism and often frustrating tenacity. Unfortunately,
she did not wear this loss as well as her natural characteristics.
There was something about
losing everything and everyone that was most important in your life. It scarred
you in a way that nothing could ever fully heal, that no emotion could every
truly cover. I should know. I know the pain I see in her eyes because I see
it every time I see my own reflection.
That look It was still
in her eyes. It was then that I knew for sure.
The hope I had returned
home with started to fly away with the wind that sifted through my hair. But
I tried to grasp on to it. I couldn't let it slip through my fingers. There
had to be something, there had to be somehow I could make a difference against
this unbeatable foe. What good was time travel if it couldn't alter our future?
That machine had been our
only hope for months. Its promise of salvation is what kept both of us going
and gave us the strength to get up each morning and face the terror of the androids
that loomed over the whole of humanity like a foreboding storm cloud. The storm
that started the day Gohan was brutally murdered by those monsters had never
ended. It raged within my soul. That machine had been my one ray of hope. The
hope that I could get him back, get all of them back.
I could feel my shoulders
slump as I stood there and could not find the answer. Was this future doomed?
Destined to be destroyed because I was too weak? No! I would not allow it! I
had to do something. There was no one left to hold those androids accountable
for their crimes against humanity. I had to do it. I had to be the one to stop
them. But how? What could I do? How could I stop them?
Then it struck me with the
suddenness of lightning during a summer storm and lit up my soul. I had to learn
from those who were greater than I was. Goku, Gohan, my father - they were the
key. I looked at my mother and I could see the worry etched on her features
and reflected in her eyes. She knew what I was thinking. She knew the decision
I had come to.
I had to go back.
But going back was not an
easy task. It had taken eight months to charge up enough power to send the machine
20 years into the past. I couldn't wait that long to go back. Who knew how many
more innocent lives those monsters would take in that time? We decided that
I would have to go back sooner.
In the short amount of time
I had been gone, my mother had been devising ways of charging up the time machine
faster. She smiled sheepishly at me as she explained that she had needed a way
to vent her nervous energy. She must have been very worried about me because
she managed to come up with a way to cut the time by half. If I did not travel
as far back into the past, I could go back in just three months.
I wanted to go further back
in time so I could train with the other warriors as they prepared for the androids,
but it just wasn't feasible. I would try to go back to about the same time the
androids started to attack the Earth. I could only hope that Goku would recover
successfully from the heart virus.
While I waited for the machine
to be ready, I trained. Or at least, I tried to train. I didn't really know
what to do. I was already a Super Saiyan, what more could I do? I knew I could
hone my skills and learn new techniques, but those things would not do a whole
lot against the androids who were so much more powerful than I was. I needed
to get stronger, but there were limits to what even a Super Saiyan could do,
weren't there?
I didn't really think about
these things while I trained. Becoming stronger was somewhere in the back of
my mind, but I trained because I needed to release my frustration. I was mad,
confused, and very, very alone. Seeing the Z warriors had been a painful reminder
that while they had others to train with and help them grow stronger, I had
no one.
More than just having someone
to spar with, I did not have anyone who understood me. My mother tried to. She
tried to encourage me, but I always knew that she was worried about me. She
knew, just as I did, that I was not strong enough to face the androids. She
was afraid that I might be foolish enough to confront them again. She was even
more afraid that if I did, I would not come back. I still don't know how I survived
my first confrontation with the androids after Gohan's death. She never told
me how she found me or nursed me back to life. We never talked about it, just
like so many other things we never talked about.
I was all she had left.
I didn't want to be all anyone had left. I couldn't handle it. I wasn't
strong enough for it. It's hard knowing that you are the only person left for
someone, but I was the only hope for the rest of humanity, and that's a difficult
thing to take. It's a difficult job to have, and I didn't want it. I didn't
ask to be a hero. Goku must have handled it a lot better than I could. He had
been the last known hope so many times, but even he had died.
Don't get me wrong. I wanted
to fight. I was born to fight. It's my heritage, and as little as I know about
my heritage, I do know that it was full of proud warriors. I could not deny
who I was. Fighting was as much a part of me as the color of my hair. I had
no more control over my whether or not it was lavender than I had control over
whether or not warrior's blood flowed through my veins.
Sure I could cover up that
urge, pretend it wasn't there. But just like my hair, no matter what color I
dyed it, it would still be lavender at the root. No matter how much I denied
it, or my mother denied it, I was destined to fight. And unfortunately for me,
I was destined to save my timeline as best I could. What killed me inside, what
ate at my soul, was the fact that I was not strong enough to fulfill my destiny.
So I trained to release
my anger and frustration with myself.
But I also trained to prevent
my mind from asking the questions to which I had no answers. But no matter how
much I avoided them, they still plagued my mind. What had happened? Why didn't
it work? And finally, what had I really accomplished by going back? After I
returned I knew that things had gone horribly wrong. Nothing had changed. Instead
of saving the future, I had created a split in the timeline at the point that
I journeyed back to the past. At least, that was my mother hypothesized.
But even if mother had a
theory as to what had happened, it still did not answer the question as to why.
Was time so cruel that there was nothing that could be done to correct past
mistakes? Goku's death was a mistake. It wasn't supposed to happen. The strongest
warrior in the universe could not die at the hands of an invisible foe. These
hideous androids weren't supposed to be allowed to erase all of civilization
from existence with so little resistance. It just wasn't meant to be! So why
didn't fixing that obvious error correct the timeline?
These questions swirled
around in my mind as I punched, kicked, and slashed at invisible foes. But these
foes were not so invisible in my mind. They held the faces of those androids
who had mocked and taunted me. The androids had become the embodiment of my
rage, my fear, my frustration, and my loneliness. I fought with them everyday,
and everyday I lost. Deep down, I knew the battle was not with them, but with
my own mind. Until I could find a way to conquer my weaknesses, I wouldn't be
able to defeat my greatest foes.
Finally, the time machine
was ready to return to the past, but one more question plagued my mind. Was
I ready? I did not know what awaited me in the past, but I wanted to
believe that in three months I had accomplished something. During the time I
waited, I hoped that I had finally been able to win one battle, the battle with
myself.
I embraced my mother and
placed a quick kiss on her cheek before I hopped up into the time machine. Mother
knew that I would be gone longer this time, and that I would be facing an even
more difficult task than simply not breaking the vial that held the cure for
the heart virus. But even knowing that I think she envied me a bit.
She longed to see her old
friends again. I wanted to see them too, but would I have to admit my failure
to them? Would I have to face my father and explain to him that I could not
complete this one simple task? Would I have to see the disappointment in his
eyes as he realized that his only son could not live up to his potential?
But even as I pondered these
things and fought with my insecurities, I knew that going back was the only
way to find out if I was truly ready to face my destiny. That thought alone
gave me the strength and courage to face any possibility that awaited me in
the past. The past held more for me than the future ever had, and for now, I
was going to place my hope in that fact.
I looked down at my mother
as the craft lifted off into the air. I silently promised her that I would return
stronger and more confident than I had ever been. I would save the future so
I could return the light of hope to her eyes.