A/N: To all of you who reviewed and alerted this story I apologise for the long delay in updating. I have been hospitalised and very sick. It thrilled me to see how many people liked and reviewed my work. I have also been struggling a bit with this chapter. It includes some elements that I originally intended for another story, and I debated a long time over whether or not to include them here. I rewrote this several times and still am not completely satisfied but you have waited long enough I think. I hope the length of the chapter makes up for the wait. ;) The last few episodes of season 5 make this story now quite AU but I hope you will enjoy it. I will try to update more frequently – several later chapters are already written. I deeply appreciate all the reviews; if I did not respond to your review I apologise. I tried to make sure I did but I lost track of where I was at one point. Also, for anyone not familiar with the abbreviation, HR stands for Human Resources (Personnel).
Warnings: Rated T for mature themes and graphic violence later on. Swearing may abound. "F" word in there several times.
Spoilers:Possible through current episodes.
Disclaimer:Still not mine (sob).
Loyalty on the Razor's Edge
Chapter 2
Gibbs stared at the badge in his hand for a few moments, then looked up directly into Tony's eyes. He was stunned by the tone of resignation and despair he had heard in Tony's voice. That pain and despair was reflected in those expressive eyes, along with something else. What was it? To Gibbs, it seemed those eyes were saying "Help me. I don't know how to help myself". He recognized the expression from somewhere but could not place where. A shiver ran down his back. He thought it might be important to place where he'd seen that look, but put it aside for the moment.
Looking back down at the badge in his hand he said quietly "I don't want this." Then he reached out and slipped the badge into the breast pocket of Tony's jacket.
"She the one who wanted it?" Tony jerked his chin towards the ceiling, in the general area of the Director's office.
Gibbs sighed inwardly. Tony wasn't going to let this go. "As far as I know she doesn't want it either. You're the one who wanted that badge, DiNozzo. You worked hard to earn it. You keep it."
Tony sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Come on Boss, I'm not blind or stupid. She's been giving us shit work for weeks and you haven't said one word about it. You don't waste your premier Major Case team on minor personal possession drug cases if you think everything is okay. And I can't see you putting up with it. You guys think I'm unfit for field duty don't you?"
Gibbs felt frustration wash over him. "This conversation is gonna take too long to tie up the elevator," he said, flipping the switch back to ON. "We'll finish up in Abby's lab." Tony did not respond, but Gibbs could see that he was trembling slightly and there was a bitter, almost surly look on his face.
In the bullpen, Ziva snapped suddenly "The elevator is moving McGee; they'll be there in seconds. Let her know then get off the phone!" McGee, who was on the phone with Abby said a rushed "Yeah Abs a few seconds, let us know if you can," then hung up.
Three floors down the elevator dinged open and Gibbs strode out followed by a sullen and strained looking DiNozzo. As he entered the lab Tony found himself suddenly assaulted by a double armful of squealing goth. "Abs," he gasped, "gotta breathe..." Abby released him but was still dancing around him excitedly. "What was that about?" asked Tony, rubbing his ribs gingerly.
"You, oh senior field agent extraordinaire, are a genius," Abby burbled happily. "And you were absolutely right!"
"ABBY!" Gibbs said sharply "Is there a point here?"
"Are we grumpy today or what?" Abby was not going to let her high spirits be dampened. "Tony here just solved the Dickerson case!"
"WHAT?!"barked Gibbs in shock as Tony gasped "I was right?"
"Yes you were," Abby said as she turned to Gibbs. "Tony noticed that that pattern that was found on the girl's neck matched the weave of the scarf we had in evidence. Then he found some impressions on one end of the scarf that turned out to be tooth impressions. I was able to lift biological material from the end of the scarf and matched it to the original suspect Grady."
"He used his teeth to hold one end of the scarf while he strangled the little girl, Boss," Tony interposed quickly.
"When did you start working this case?" Gibbs asked. The Dickerson case was an infamous cold case at NCIS – a nine year old girl assaulted and strangled in her own bed – they had had some evidence but not enough to go to trial.
"Boss, Tony found something else, a small hair fragment in the knot in the scarf. I matched that to the victim putting her in physical proximity to the suspect. The previous forensic tech should have found it when he processed the scarf. Eagle eyes there spotted it when he was reviewing the physical evidence. It means we can finally take the guy to trial." Gibbs looked over at Tony who was staring at the window through which Ari had once shot at he and Abby.
"You gonna answer my question?" he asked, more sharply than he intended. "When did you start working this case?"
"When I got bored out of my mind doing scut work." Tony shot back, not bothering to turn to look at Gibbs. Gibbs did not miss Abby's shocked, reproachful look, he just wasn't sure who it was directed at. "Abs, give us a few will you," he said.
Abby nodded vigorously and gave Tony another quick, fierce hug, stage whispering at the same time, "If he won't say it I will; that was top notch work." "Thanks, Abs," Tony said giving her a kiss on the cheek. Gibbs heard the flash of pride and satisfaction in his voice and saw the almost wistful look that passed over Tony's face. He also caught the glare that Abby shot him and the brief jerk of her head in Tony's direction as she signed What did you do to him? He's almost in tears! He did good and you sound pissed off...she broke off as Gibbs signed back in rapid small gestures He just tried to resign I'm trying to find out what's going on! He stopped as Tony spotted him and said wearily "Come on Boss; if you want a private conversation just say the word and I'll go." Gibbs was shocked at Tony's complete readiness to be dismissed, as if what had just passed between them was not important enough to take up Gibbs' time. Abby hugged him again quickly then skipped on out the door at Gibbs' urgently signed I need a private talk with him!
"You're not going anywhere DiNozzo," said Gibbs. "I don't want your damn badge and I won't let HR take you from me. If this holds up it just proves that you are too damn valuable to NCIS to let you get away from us. So when exactly did you start working this case?"
"A little over two weeks ago, Boss," Tony replied and made no attempt to elaborate, despite the pointed stare Gibbs was giving him. He leaned against one of the lab tables, his arms folded and his eyes focused on some point several miles beyond Gibbs' left shoulder. His face had a closed, guarded look and the eyes showed nothing but desolation.
"Mind telling me why?" Gibbs was finally forced to ask.
"Because the cases we were catching were boring even the MCGeek" said Tony. "I hadn't figured out what you and the director were doing yet and I figured as long as it was this slow... well, you know I come back most nights and work a few hours, I thought I'd put that time to good use. I tried resting up at home but the coughing was keeping me up nights. I asked around among agents who had been here longer than me what cold cases still stuck with them. The Dickerson case was one case everyone mentioned. When I read the case file I knew I could break the case."
"How did you know?" Gibbs asked, curious. Tony considered for a moment then said, "I really couldn't tell you. I just knew that I needed to review the physical evidence and that the answer was there. I could just feel it. I think what caught my attention was that the scarf was collected late and Ducky never actually saw it. And to be honest Boss, anyone who paid close attention to the physical evidence should have been able to break this case; it was all there." Gibbs thought this was unlikely; the case had been open for nearly seven years. He was impressed.
Gibbs smiled and said "Abby was right. That was top notch work." He watched as Tony's posture relaxed fractionally.
He was normally extremely sparing with his praise but he had seen that Tony needed something more than his usual gruff nod. Somewhat unwillingly, he then said gently, "Now, about your fitness for field duty..." and saw Tony go rigid, saw the pleased satisfaction drain from his face. "Tony, I did not ask the Director to place you or the team on what amounts to light duty. In fact I told her this was a bad idea."
"So you guys DO think I'm unfit," said Tony. Anger and despair were evident in his voice and on his face. "I mean, Boss, I can't imagine any other reason you and she would stand the team down to this extent."
"Didn't I just say I didn't?" asked an exasperated Gibbs. "Do you really think I would endanger McGee and Ziva's lives, not to mention my own, NOT to mention YOURS, by letting you stay on active duty if I thought you were unfit? Don't you think I'd nail your ass to one of Ducky's tables till HE cleared you, if I had any questions about your fitness? Don't you think I trust you to tell me if you're not fit for duty?"
This last question was pushing it more than a little and both men knew it. Tony had a long history of not being forthcoming about his health and trying to push himself far beyond his physical limits. The irony was that Gibbs did trust Tony to make that call. He knew that Tony would not hesitate to risk his own life, but he trusted his senior field agent would never endanger other people's lives by remaining on duty if he was physically unable to back them. That, he thought, was not in Tony's nature. Gibbs believed absolutely that the agent he knew would never needlessly risk other people's lives, especially people he cared for, and Gibbs knew he cared deeply for every member of his team.
"How would I know what you think, or what you'd do, or whether or not you trust me?It's not like you've had a lot to say to me over the last nine months" said Tony flatly, without attempting to disguise the bitterness in his voice. His gaze had returned from whatever arctic wilderness it had been focused on, and had Gibbs not already been expecting it, he would have been taken aback by the blazing anger that was suddenly, pointedly directed on him.
Gibbs tried to tamp down his own sudden surge of anger at the implied rebuke. It wasn't like DiNozzo was wrong, after all; he had been more than usually taciturn after returning from Mexico, because his memory had not fully returned. It bothered him still that some of those lost memories concerned DiNozzo. But he had not failed to notice that DiNozzo had been unflagging in his vigil to protect Gibbs from any consequences of the mistakes that he still occasionally made due to his faulty memory.
DiNozzo had monitored Gibbs' paperwork, and Gibbs knew for a fact that his Senior Field Agent had caught, and quietly fixed, several major mistakes. DiNozzo had responded without bothering to correct Gibbs whenever he called him "Stan", and quietly redirected him by addressing Ziva by name on the occasions when he'd slipped and called her "Kate". Mercifully, these lapses had pretty much stopped after the first two months after he got back. DiNozzo had, quietly but firmly, pushed, corrected, redirected, and challenged Gibbs in those first few months until, apparently, he was satisfied that Gibbs' memory was as functional as it was ever going to be, and was still, he knew, watching his six on that issue. He was well aware that it was far more than any supervisor had a right to expect from a subordinate, and that it was a measure of just how much Tony thought of him.
He was also well aware that being addressed by his predecessor's name had to have been excruciating for Tony, whom he knew virtually lived for the brief expressions of approval or acknowledgment that were pretty much all Gibbs ever gave. He had known, for a long time, that they needed to talk about these things but he really didn't want to take this particular conversation there.
"Well," he said slowly "I'm not the only one who has kept things a little close to the vest recently." Tony flushed at this and Gibbs continued, still framing his thoughts even as he spoke, "To the extent that that has contributed to any, ah...uncertainty between us, I apologize. I know that you had my back, in a major way, after I came back from Mexico. I would never have asked that of you, and I should have thanked you. Tony, I argued with Jen over standing the team down from major case work. I told her it was insulting and that we should just talk to you and your doctor. She said she wanted to handle it this way because she didn't want anything on the record about her... her concerns. I told her there was no way you'd risk other people by staying on duty if you were unfit, but she just," he paused for a moment, struggling for words. "She insisted on handling it her own way. I let it go because I didn't want H.R. to get in the middle of it. You're too great an asset to me for me to risk losing you to some petty bureaucratic garbage."
Gibbs stared at his Senior Field Agent, looking for signs that the younger man was getting his message, namely that he trusted his senior agent's judgment and respected his skills, enough to be willing to fight to keep him. But the misery on Tony's face was unchanged and his posture still looked like that of a kicked dog. He looked like he was a million miles away in his head and Gibbs wasn't even sure that Tony was actually listening to him. "Penny for your thoughts," Gibbs finally said, trying to keep his voice as neutral and as gentle as possible.
Tony's eyes flicked to Gibbs' face for a fraction of a second then away again. His jaw tightened for a second, and Gibbs, watching him closely, thought he was struggling with what looked like intense anger. "I'm wondering if everyone thinks I'm solid and trusts me so damn much then why is it I've been backed to the wall on this issue," Tony said flatly. "And for god's sake why the hell take it out on the team?"
Gibbs thought to himself that's not what you were thinking but aloud he said "I thought I just explained that to you, DiNozzo." An expression flickered across Tony's face briefly, one that Gibbs instantly recognized. He doesn't believe me, doesn't believe some part of what I just said. "And did it ever cross your mind that maybe the Director thought it might do some of the other teams some good to have experience with the tougher, higher profile cases?"Gibbs asked working hard to keep his irritation from showing. Tony's face once again had that closed, guarded look that told Gibbs he was working to conceal some inner turmoil he very much did not want Gibbs to see. His gaze had returned to contemplating some distant emptiness.
"No." said Tony easily enough. His gaze was still on the window that looked out to Anacostia Park, and he continued almost absently, "Cassie has had plenty of experience from when she was Senior Field Agent for Chris, and that Brandeis guy was someone else's Senior Agent out in San Diego for like, six or seven years, before he was brought here under Paula to help to rebuild third team." He trailed off as he saw, out of the corner of his eye, the face Gibbs made at the mention of Mike Brandeis. "What?" he asked. "You really don't like Brandeis do you?"
"No I don't," said Gibbs. "I booted him from my team a few years ago, just before I brought you in from Baltimore. You didn't hear this from me but I just never trusted the guy. Stan didn't like him either. He set my teeth on edge. I never felt like he had my back. I told Morrow that I didn't feel like I could trust the guy with my life. If his team is ever backing us for some reason, you watch yourself. I've heard stuff that makes me think he can be careless and a bit of a bully, and he sure struck me that way when he was with me. I told Jen before I left to let you have that lead slot that went to Paula, but Jen was getting pressure from SecNav and Paula was higher on the promotions list. And as Jen rightly pointed out at the time you had your own team to run." Gibbs paused for a moment. He had never said it and now might be a good time. "From what she told me and what I saw, you did a damn fine job of it too."
Tony's head came up sharply and a slow soft smile lit his features. The tenseness faded from his posture as the hazel eyes focused on the present, on Gibbs, holding a happiness he could not remember the last time he had seen. The transformation as the look of misery left Tony's face was startling, and Gibbs realized, somewhat belatedly, that signs of that misery had been present in his face and eyes for a long time, several months at least. Gibbs thought to himself that Tony hadn't looked this happy since ... Since the La Grenouille case went to hell he thought. Four and a half months, at least. God, how had he been so blind? He smiled himself to see the transformation of Tony's features.
"Took you long enough." Tony said very quietly. Gibbs winced, feeling acutely responsible for the oblique pain in Tony's voice. Why, he though to himself, do I have so much trouble saying things that really need to be said?
"Didn't think the obvious needed saying; always been a fault of mine. I'm sorry." Gibbs said sincerely. Tony quirked an eyebrow at him curiously "Sorry boss?" he asked. "Sorry and an apology. How did I rate both in the same day?" Gibbs heard no bitterness in that question, just genuine curiosity.
"Not a weakness between friends, Tony." Tony nodded thoughtfully. The apology, as well as the praise, was unexpected and somewhat surprising. He had long since given up expecting Gibbs to acknowledge how hard he had worked to keep the team together and running well while Gibbs had been away in Mexico getting his head on straight. He had never expected Gibbs to notice how hard he had worked to ameliorate the effects of Gibbs' faulty memory after he'd returned. The acknowledgment salved some part of his soul he had not realized was hurting so badly. It was enough, he decided. This conversation had the potential to go places he was fairly sure neither of them wanted it to go. He decided to make an escape while the getting was good.
"Well," said Tony, straightening up, "I guess I need to go talk with the Director." "Why?" asked Gibbs. "So she'll stop handing us cases that bore even a probie." Tony said, grinning hesitantly.
It seemed to Tony that Gibbs might actually be willing to leave things as they were for the moment. He was almost ridiculously relieved. He felt like he had dodged a minefield. Maybe he would have time to pull himself together and get past this strange, depressed mood after all. He rubbed the back of his head where it met his neck trying to ease his headache, wincing as his fingers encountered the bruise. The petty officer and his seaman friend had resisted being brought in for investigation, and as usual Tony had come off the worse for it. His head had slammed into the stair tread so hard it had cracked the edge of it. Now, two days later, his head still ached dully. The persistent cough hadn't helped the headache, and he thought that perhaps the physical misery was the main cause of this moodiness.
The AC kicked on in the lab and he shivered at the sudden cool draft. Within seconds he was nearly doubled over by a sudden onslaught of harsh, wracking coughs. Gibbs grimaced at the sound; these coughs seemed dryer, less productive than the one he had heard upstairs. As the coughing continued, he moved to Tony's side and began rubbing his back in slow, gentle circles, much as he had when Tony was recovering from the pneumonic plague. "You start barking like this in front of Jen, DiNozzo, it's not exactly gonna convince her that she should restore our caseload," said Gibbs dryly.
"Man, I really hate this," Tony choked out between coughs. He rested his hands on his thighs for a moment as the coughing died away. A few careful deep breaths seemed to settle him and he straightened slowly. "I promise you, Boss, I have been officially cleared for full field duties." he said.
"Yeah, well she's gonna want to know that you've seen Dr. Pitt," Gibbs said with a chuckle. "I've seen him, Boss," said Tony,his eyes narrowing slightly. "You remember, I told you I was going. Friday. "
"Well, yeah, DiNozzo, I remember," Gibbs said still smiling easily, "But these days when you say you're going to the doctor there's no telling where you'll fetch up." The blood drained abruptly from Tony's face and for a fraction of a second Gibbs thought his Senior Agent was about to faint as Tony swayed a little on his feet before taking a backwards step.
"I knew it," Tony whispered vehemently. "I told her you'd never forgive me or trust me again, and I was right, wasn't I, Boss?" He was white to his lips and beginning to shake hard. Gibbs mentally kicked himself as he realized what was going through Tony's mind. "Tony, I didn't mean that the way it sounded," he said. Tony was looking at the floor and would not look up or meet his gaze. Looking past Tony, Gibbs could see that Ducky had suddenly appeared outside the glass doors of the lab. But Ducky had evidently seen something of the exchange between the two men and was holding up his hands and backing towards the stairwell. Ducky caught Gibbs' gaze and waved his hands in a gesture of negation and then pointed up, clearly indicating to Gibbs that he would be in the bullpen. Gibbs nodded curtly then took a step forward and reached out, intending to lay his hand on Tony's shoulder in a conciliatory gesture.
Tony shuddered and flinched violently away from Gibbs. He was close to hyperventilating and Gibbs saw his jaw tense as he struggled to get his breathing under control and repress tears that were suddenly sparkling in his eyes. He backed several more steps away from Gibbs and scrubbed at his face with his hands, wiping away the tears before looking up at Gibbs.
Tony stared at Gibbs for several seconds, seeing confusion and genuine regret in his mentor's face. Suddenly his fragile calm broke completely and a wave of memories so bitter that they totally unnerved him swept over him. He folded his arms over his midsection and bent forward slightly, gasping with an almost physical pain.
"God what I lost for that damn case," he whispered, mostly to himself, not caring that Gibbs could hear him. He took a deep breath and looked straight into Gibbs' ice blue eyes. "I told her. I did. I never wanted to lie to you. But she wouldn't let me talk to you about it. Said it was her investigation and you didn't need to know. I think she was afraid of what you might do. She was obsessed with it. It had something to do with her father's death." Gibbs was riveted by the anguish in the expressive hazel eyes, dominating the pale face. He found himself paralysed by shock, unable even to respond. Tony was himself unable to face what he perceived as the disappointment in Gibbs' frozen face and turned sharply away.
"You have no idea," he said his voice barely above a whisper and filled with a vehemence and agony Gibbs had never heard from him before. "You have no idea." Tony repeated. "Everything I did, everything I lost. I told her that when you found out you would never trust me again, that you would forgive almost anything except disloyalty. I told her that you would see lying to you about the things I was having to do as disloyalty. I told her you were complaining about me being a "part-time" Senior Agent. She laughed. She laughed and said that it wasn't true. She said you would always trust me. She counted on that. She used me like a twenty dollar whore, and she never even said she was sorry about the way it turned out. She wasn't sorry; she didn't get what she wanted so why should she feel sorry for how she used me or what it cost me? And what really turns my stomach is that I let her do it. I was so desperate to feel useful that I let her do that to me." His voice had risen and he was all but shouting. He turned back to face Gibbs and Gibbs saw that his face was flushed with anger and his expression was one of deep self loathing and bitterness.
For his part Tony was feeling as out of control as he had ever felt. He was shocked by the bitter anger that he felt welling up and shocked that he was sufficiently out of control to direct it at Gibbs. He was completely overborne by memories so painful that he felt like he was choking. Deep in this morass of memories were others trying to surface, trying to pull his attention away from the overwhelming, almost physical pain. He could feel, kinaesthetically, Gibbs' arms around him holding and supporting him through another of the excruciating coughing fits he had had to fight his way through in the wake of the Y. pestis. He could almost hear Gibbs' husky voice murmuring soft encouragement as he fought to breathe. It did not cross his mind that he had just relived a portion of that memory moments earlier. Though he was out of Gibbs' current reach he could feel the back of his head tingling as if from a head slap. Gibbs had mentored him and given him so much support; seen him through more crap than any boss or mentor had a right to expect to put up with. He knew in his heart that it was himself and Director Shepard he was truly angry with but he found himself unable to stop the tirade.
"You know Gibbs, you are a hard act to follow. No one wanted anything but you back. Including me. But Jenny knew I needed to feel like I was useful, like I was something other than just the unwanted guy who took your place, and she used that without even hesitating. I did things for my job, for her, that nauseate me today. It makes me sick to think I let her use me to break an innocent woman's heart and destroy her life, just so Jen could have some kind of private...I don't know, resolution, vengeance, whatever. Jeanne didn't deserve that. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror any more. And then Maddie. Do you know that I almost let Maddie Tyler die just to try to save you, because I couldn't face the thought of coming back here, and telling the team that we'd lost you again, that I'd lost you. You drove the car into the damn river, but I gave you CPR for more than a minute before I moved on to Maddie, because I couldn't look at them and tell them you were gone. Because I knew I would never be able to face them or myself, I almost let a 23 year old kid die in front of me..." He trailed off; remembering the agony of looking into Gibbs' lifeless eyes, the shattering pain of feelings he had never dared look at too closely, then thinking to himself Oh I am so fired! decided to finish what he was saying. "I saved your life that day and what did I get for it? I lost your confidence and the director's and got the team every shit case for the last six weeks. Which really isn't fair to them, and if you think they don't know it's because of me then you're selling them short."
He stopped, chest heaving, finally managing to wrestle down his temper. He felt physically ill. He turned and walked to the far end of the lab. His head was pounding with a sudden, fierce intensification of his headache, and he rubbed his temples to try to ease the pain. He was appalled that he had revealed so much of what was going through his mind to Gibbs, of all people. He hung his head; he didn't know if he could look Gibbs in the face again. He thought to himself that Gibbs must be furious that a subordinate was dressing him down, virtually yelling at him. Surely, he thought, the ex-marine would have been disgusted and repelled by such a display of nearly hysterical emotionalism and weakness. His own father certainly would have been.
The silence in the lab was pressing, and Tony thought at least it took considerably more than 2 years to blow things to hell at this job. Finally he mustered the courage to lift his head and face a still silent Gibbs. He found Gibbs just staring at him, the look on his face cool, and as far as Tony was concerned, unreadable. Tony was silent for a moment and it seemed to him that Gibbs was waiting for something. He thought he knew what it was. "Well," he said with a bitter chuckle "You wanted to know how I got from Philly to Baltimore so fast? Just took a little longer for me to melt down here, is all." He took a deep breath and forced himself to meet Gibbs' stony gaze. His heart constricted at the look in the cool blue eyes. Once, he thought to himself, he might have seen sympathy or understanding behind the anger. It hurt, physically, to think he might have just thrown that away along with the respect of a man he admired deeply. "I'm sorry Gibbs," he said, then continued,relatively pleased to find that his voice wasn't shaking, and that he was still able to maintain eye contact, "That wasn't about you and I...I shouldn't have directed it at you. My resignation is in my desk. I'll have it on yours within the hour."
Gibbs noticed the use of his name instead of the more usual "boss" and mentally cursed Jenny Shepard again. It was now obvious to him that Tony had been far more deeply traumatized by Jenny's attempts to nail the arms dealer she blamed for her father's death than any of them had guessed. The self loathing he had heard in Tony's voice cut at him; he found himself thinking that his own behavior in the Tyler case had made a hero of Tony, and yet he was evidently agonizing over the decisions that he had faced that day, to the point that he had lost all perspective on his own actions and had been left in overwhelming pain. Gibbs found himself unaccustomedly close to tears as he realised that his usually resilient agent's self confidence had been completely destroyed, and he himself was at least partly responsible for it. Unable to think of a way to retrieve the situation, he decided as he usually did to go with his gut.
"I don't want your fucking badge!" he snapped sharply. "I didn't mean to imply that I didn't trust you or that I didn't believe you when you said you were going to see Dr. Pitt. For chrissake Tony, it was a joke! Inappropriately timed and just plain inappropriate I grant you, but I just wasn't thinking about how it would sound. I can be remarkably obtuse that way – just ask any of my ex-wives."
Tony just stared at Gibbs for a moment. "Remarkably obtuse?" There was no way he could stop the bitter smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, though it did not reach beyond his lips. "You been hanging around Ducky a lot lately, Boss? Cause I don't think I've ever heard you use that phrase before." He was finding it more than a little disconcerting that Gibbs did not seem to be as angry at him as he expected. He was relieved that he did not see the disgust he knew he could have expected from his father. But then, he thought to himself, Gibbs had never judged him by the standards he had learned from his father.
Hearing the word "boss" fall from Tony's lips made Gibbs relax fractionally, as did the smile that had tugged at his features. Gibbs had deliberately reached for a well remembered phrase from Ducky's repertoire; knowing that it would provoke this reaction from Tony. Not, he thought, that Ducky had been far wrong in using that phrase to characterize Gibbs' interpersonal skills. But it bothered Gibbs that Tony had all to obviously expected him to be furious and disappointed in him. He had seen this before in Tony, and had thought they had moved past it. Tony could have been said to be cringing. His shoulders were hunched protectively and he looked like he was expecting to be hit. As he had before on many occasions Gibbs found himself breathtaken at the amount of damage Tony's difficult childhood had inflicted on the obviously gifted young man.
Suddenly he remembered exactly where he had previously seen that aching, searching look in Tony's eyes, the one that had caught at his memory as they had left the elevator and entered the lab. He had seen it when Tony had been locked in the holding cell, charged with murder, after his acid interpretation of how he might be questioned at trial by a federal prosecutor. It had been the look on his face and in his eyes as he had said "I'm not getting out of this one, am I Boss?", the moment his Senior Field Agent had given up on himself, given up on his own innocence. It had been that look that had first given Gibbs serious doubt about whether they could save Tony; knowing Tony was giving up on himself he had known they were running out of time to prove he'd been framed. Then as now he had been unable to suppress the shiver at the cold chill that crawled up his back when he recognised that defeated look. It alarmed him that Tony was that close to the edge again.
He realized that Tony was still waiting for him to respond and allowed just a trace of amusement to show on his face as he said "You nailed it in one. Ducky's used that phrase to describe me to my face on more than one occasion."
Tony responded guardedly "I'm sorry I raised my voice. I'm not really sure what just happened. I guess I just kinda lost my grip for a moment. It's been a long few weeks. I had no business dumping that crap on you." Gibbs only initial response was to fold his arms and nod thoughtfully. His responses were so far from what Tony had been anticipating that Tony found himself becoming somewhat nervous. He tried to straighten up his posture and school his features into one of the bland, unconcerned looks he had kept pasted to his face almost continuously for the last two weeks. He sensed that Gibbs was not angry with him but, unusually, he was unable to get any real read on his mood.
Gibbs was still trying to collect himself. He was shaken and terribly saddened by what Tony's outburst had revealed about his state of mind. The previous eighteen months had been harder on Tony than any one else on the team. The blows had just never stopped coming. Gibbs understood that this was likely mostly about the one person whose name Tony had scarcely mentioned: Jeanne. Gibbs had never met her but he had seen her effect on Tony, and had had no doubt that Tony was deeply in love with her. He knew that Tony had never stopped looking for her and that he had not resumed dating. In fact the subject of Tony's love life, fodder for Monday morning conversation for the team for years, usually of the most salacious nature, had been rendered totally off limits by his blunt and increasingly angry refusal to play the game. Not even Abby dared to broach the subject any more. Gibbs was all too familiar with the aftermath of broken and destroyed relationships. In the nearly seven years Tony had been with him he had never seen any woman get under Tony's skin and inside his heart the way Jeanne had. Gibbs wasn't entirely sure that Tony had ever cared for anyone as much as he had cared for this woman. Certainly, to Gibbs it seemed that Tony had no idea how to handle the emotional aftermath of losing her.
More important to Gibbs at the moment were Tony's statements about the Tyler case. He thought that agonizing over that case was likely to be sapping Tony's self confidence and that, he thought, was something he could perhaps change. As he tried to kick start his brain and formulate exactly what he wanted to say, Tony scrubbed at his face with his hands then pushed off from the table he had been leaning against and took a couple of steps towards the lab doors.
"Well, Boss, it's Thursday. I need to get on upstairs if I want to see Jen...the Director today," he said with a fairly credible imitation of his usual carefree attitude. Not a chance, Tony thought Gibbs as he deliberately stepped into Tony's path and his personal space.
"We're not quite done here yet, DiNozzo,"he said, somewhat brusquely. Tony, his way to the lab doors blocked unless he wanted to turn and go around the table holding Abby's prized gas chromatograph, halted and just stared at Gibbs. He was on uncertain emotional footing here. Ordinarily, the quiet, brusque "We're not done" would have indicated extreme anger or dissatisfaction with some aspect of his job performance. But though he couldn't have said why, Tony was sure that Gibbs wasn't angry, and he had already said he didn't want Tony's resignation. For the first time in years Tony found himself so disconnected from his own world that he could not begin to fathom his boss's mood or predict his next move. Taken aback by this realisation he thought to himself that perhaps he ought to press the issue of resigning, reasoning that if he could no longer sense Gibb's mood or follow his thought patterns in his own head he might conceivably endanger the team if he stayed in the Senior Field Agent position.
Gibbs had no trouble at all following Tony's train of thought and said forcefully, "I don't want your resignation and I trust that if you say you went to see Dr. Pitt and he cleared you it's the truth. I don't have any questions about your physical fitness for field duty. But right at the moment I DO have some concerns about your psychological fitness." Tony grimaced and rubbed a hand over his face again. He opened his mouth to speak but Gibbs cut him off.
"Tony," he said, trying to gentle his voice and convey with his tone what he found so difficult to say aloud, " All of us have cases that get under our skins and leave us questioning our own judgment. Kate felt that way when she had to shoot Ensign Hayes. But it really bothers me to see you doing this to yourself over the Maddie Tyler case."
Tony couldn't help it. There was no way he could keep a look of complete astonishment off his face. He was completely dumbfounded, and beginning to feel a deep, explosive rage boil up inside of himself. He had expected Gibbs to bring up the La Grenouille case and what had happened with Jeanne. He just stared, puzzled as to why Gibbs would be upset by what he had said about the Tyler case. Gibbs did not have any trouble deciphering this astonishment either.
"Tony, what happened with Jeanne, we need to talk about that too, but not here and not now. I want to do that when we have more time and when we're both a little more prepared to to talk, and to do it honestly. But I do want you to know that I don't question your fitness or judgment because of that case. But about Maddie..."Gibbs caught the sudden flash of fury and disbelief in Tony's eyes and a fraction of a second later was interrupted as Tony sneered at him, "You don't question my fitness or judgment because of the La Grenouille case but you have some concern over the Tyler case. You don't fucking expect me to believe that do you? How stupid do you think I am? Come on Gibbs, I've been with you for six and a half years."There was a weary bitterness now in Tony's voice and eyes. "I knew you'd never trust me again after that case. You don't have to lie to me about it. And for Christ's sake don't fucking patronize me; I've had enough of that from Jen."
Gibbs ground his teeth as he fought to control his anger. "That's enough!" he snapped forcefully. "I've given you more latitude than anyone I've ever worked with DiNozzo, because I trusted you more than any one I ever worked with. But there is one thing I'm not prepared to just let slide and that is insubordinate behavior. Now get a grip."
Tony turned and stalked to the far end of the lab. He was trembling with fury and did not trust his own control. He did not want to be within arms reach of Gibbs. He sensed that his rage was spiraling out of all proportion to the circumstances but he couldn't seem to get a handle on it. It took all the strength he had left to spit tightly at Gibbs "I would strongly suggest you exit the lab, sir." Gibbs heard the echo of the military boarding school in Tony's voice and recognised the danger signals. He was not concerned for his own safety but he was concerned, for Tony's sake, that things might escalate too rapidly for either of them to maintain any real control. He let a trace of his own military past color his voice as he shot back tightly "Agent DiNozzo STAND DOWN. We need to take this out of the building, son." The "son" slipped past his usual defenses, a verbal vestige of his later years in the Marines dealing with very young, raw and severely stressed recruits.
Tony found himself staring at a monitor which had an abstract pattern moving, across it, thrumming, twisting and changing in time to music he could just marginally hear coming from Abby's headphones. He was transfixed by the rage that was vibrating through him. He felt like reality was beginning to stretch and twist like the patterns on the screen. Suddenly he recognized the feeling, knew instantly what it portended. But there was nothing he could do to prevent himself from being swept away in the rage flooding his mind and saturating his nerves. He felt, acutely, the moment he was taken. He wanted to cry out, scream a protest but a soft gasp was all that escaped him as he turned.
Gibbs watched in shock as he grabbed the nearest flat screen monitor and with a single vicious tug pulled it free from its cabling and began pounding on the edge of the table until it shattered into hundreds of pieces. A single large piece was left in his grip and he tossed this across the room more or less in the general direction of Gibbs. Having done that he began pounding on the table with his fists.
Gibbs was taken aback by what he was seeing but didn't hesitate. He moved in close and grabbed Tony's wrists at the same time leg sweeping him, taking him completely off his feet. He moved his thigh forward slightly and shifted his weight onto that leg so that Tony's upper body hit his thigh on the way down breaking the fall somewhat. Tony's momentum pulled him down too and he wound up straddling him trying to force his still flailing fists to the floor.
He leaned over and hissed in Tony's ear "DiNozzo, you're on camera. Stand down dammit. Tony! Do you want HR to see this?" Tony continued to struggle for a few seconds before stilling. From a distance of only about a foot and a half Gibbs stared into Tony's face. What he saw confused and disturbed him. Tony's face was completely slack, and as blank as his eyes. Gibbs could feel that Tony had not just stopped struggling, he had gone completely limp. Then he noticed that Tony's open eyes appeared to be tracking something only he could see. It crossed Gibbs' mind that Tony might actually be hallucinating. He had never seen his senior agent like this and it alarmed him.
He let go of one of Tony's wrists and very lightly tapped the side of his head. "Tony?" he whispered "You with me?"
Tony did not respond for a couple of seconds and Gibbs snapped his fingers directly in front of Tony's face as he said urgently "DiNozzo! Are you hurt?" He saw Tony's gaze sharpen as his focus locked on to Gibbs' eyes, saw the frown that passed quickly over his features and was as quickly gone.
"You can get off me now, Boss" said Tony quietly, as if it was a common thing to find himself in such a position. Gibbs released his other wrist. Tony remained exactly as he had landed, unmoving until Gibbs reached down and grabbed a hand and hauled him to his feet by main force. Bits of the shattered monitor crunched under both their feet. Tony surveyed the wreckage and the frown returned to his face and stayed there. Gibbs, watching him closely, thought he seemed a little dazed.
Tony shook his head and looked around. Gibbs thought suddenly He's looking for Abby. Quietly he said "Tony, are you okay?"
Tony's focus snapped to Gibbs' face and he said suddenly, urgently, "Where's Abby? Did I hurt her?" Gibbs was confused at this. "What? Hurt her? What do you mean?" The anxiety in Tony's face sharpened as he looked at his aching hands for a moment. He looked back up at Gibbs with anguish written all over his face and said even more urgently, "Did I hurt her?" He looked searchingly at Gibbs' face for a long moment then said more quietly, "Did I hurt you?" Gibbs just stared at Tony. Tony's sincerity was obvious but Gibbs didn't know what to make of it. He didn't know what to say; it was painfully obvious that Tony did not remember how he had hurt his hands, and it was equally obvious, to Gibbs at least, that this was not the first time Tony had found himself in this position.
"Tony, what's the very last thing you remember?" he asked.
Tony stared at his hands. He couldn't believe this was happening to him again. It had been so long that he had believed it was over and he was safe. Now Gibbs would have to know the truth and Tony had no doubt what the outcome would be. Gibbs' question still hung in the air as he closed his eyes and tried to sift through memories that were really more splashes of emotion. Finally he locked on to the most vivid emotion and the words and images associated with it. It felt like the most recent memory to him But the extreme anger he recalled bothered him. He wondered if that was when the episode had actually begun. Another thought occurred to him and he looked up sharply at Gibbs.
"Oh my God, was it you? Did I hurt you?" he whispered.
Gibbs was getting more and more frustrated, but he tried to keep this under control. The utter horror on Tony's face was too obviously genuine. "Tony, you didn't hurt anybody, not me , and certainly not Abby. I'm not sure why you would think that except that you clearly don't remember what just happened. You smashed up one of Abby's plasma monitors."
Tony looked back down at his hands, which were bruised and bleeding. His eyes swept the floor, taking in the bits and pieces of the shattered monitor. He looked at Gibbs, carefully assessing his condition. Gibbs seemed unruffled and untouched. Tony sighed as his eyes finally met Gibbs'. "How did my hands get hurt then?" he asked resignedly.
Gibbs began to feel like he was a rat in an unsolvable maze. He was confused and not a little alarmed by what had just happened. DiNozzo seemed to be talking in circles and, to Gibbs, still looked somewhat dazed. All the anger and fight seemed to have gone out of DiNozzo and his eyes now seemed to hold mainly a deep sadness mixed with something Gibbs read as defeat. He was just standing there, absently rubbing the knuckles of one bleeding hand with the other and waiting for Gibbs' reply. He had no idea what had just happened but it was clear to him that DiNozzo knew exactly what had happened, and he evidently wasn't going to be forthcoming. He knew he needed answers but his gut was telling him they would likely have to wait a while.
He sighed and said "You grabbed one of Abby's plasma screens and smashed it against the table, and when it was all smashed up you just continued pounding your fists against the table. I had to take you down to stop you from hurting yourself. And then you just kinda went blank for a few seconds."
Tony nodded, clearly unsurprised by what Gibbs had said. "Okay. And I didn't hit you. You're sure?"
"I think I would know if you had."
"Well, yeah, you would know, but would you tell me?" Tony asked, searching Gibbs' face, concern in his eyes.
For some reason the question took Gibbs' breath away for a moment. Had things really deteriorated between them to the point that Tony thought he would lie about something like that?
"Of course I would tell you," he said quietly. "Now are you going to tell me what just happened here?" Tony winced slightly at that and wearily rubbed at his eyes and the space between them, unknowingly smearing a little blood on his forehead. Without waiting for an answer Gibbs moved to Tony's side and, taking hold of his arm, gently propelled him over to the lab's sink. "Let's get your hands washed up," he said gruffly," you're getting blood all over your face." He noted that Tony had let himself be pulled to the sink without resistance.
Gibbs opened the taps and regulated the water to a comfortable warmth.. Tony just stood there, apparently lost in his own thoughts. He didn't resist as Gibbs gently took his battered hands and pulled them under the water. Gibbs thought he didn't even seem to be aware of it. His concern for Tony was quickly morphing into alarm. He pumped a little soap into his palm and quickly lathered Tony's hands. Tony was still, unresisting and unmoving. It was beginning to unnerve Gibbs. Gibbs looked up to his face and saw a vacancy there that made his skin crawl. He rinsed off his own hands and nudged Tony sharply, finally getting a reaction as Tony's head turned toward him.
"Why don't you finish this up? You should have been doing this since you were about what, three, four?" Gibbs strove to keep his voice level and relatively unconcerned. He found it increasingly difficult to remain calm as the vacant look on Tony's face was replaced by a slightly quizzical one. Tony glanced down at his hands and Gibbs could almost literally see him searching through a database of 'socially acceptable' replies before he finally said "Of course. I'm sorry." This bland reply did nothing to settle Gibbs' anxiety.
Tony for his part was still struggling to catch up. He knew exactly what had just happened, and was, unfortunately well acquainted with the almost detached, distant state of mind he found himself in. He knew his mentation would clear relatively quickly but he was in no shape to be verbally sparring with Gibbs. He hoped that Gibbs would back off, and give him the space to act to preserve some small fragment of what was left of his dignity and honor, but wasn't sure that he would. But he was so numb now that at the moment it was only a small thing. He really didn't think he had much of either left to preserve anyway. He rinsed his hands and pulled several paper towels out to dry them without even glancing at Gibbs again. Gibbs might have thought he was a million miles away in his mind, but actually he was back more than nine years into his own past, in a dark and terrible place. When Gibbs' hand landed on his shoulder he reacted instinctively, ducking his head and bringing his arms up sharply to protect his head and face, twisting convulsively away.
Gibbs, startled and unsure of what was going through Tony's mind, stepped back and held up both hands, palms out, to try to show he was not being threatening. Tony, overbalanced by the sudden movement, had to grab the edge of the sink to keep himself upright. As he regained his feet he gasped "Jeeze, Boss don't startle me like that!"
"Didn't mean to," Gibbs said softly. He took the paper towels from Tony's hands and turning the tap on, dampened them. "You've still got some blood on your forehead," he said, reaching up and gently wiping the blood away. Tony flinched slightly, but Gibbs just continued wiping until all the blood was cleaned off. He didn't want to push Tony any further; it was clear to him that Tony was still trying to orient himself and that he had caught his Senior Field Agent in the grip of some frightening memory he suspected was related to his damaged childhood. He had recognized Tony's protective gesture as the obvious reaction of someone who was being beaten, someone who had been beaten severely and often. He had seen the gesture before, a number of times, usually when he woke Tony from restless sleep. He sighed, and thought to himself that he just wanted to be done pushing Tony for today, but he knew he need to find out exactly what it was he had witnessed.
He threw the paper towels in the trash and stepped back, just watching as Tony turned the water back on and splashed his face and dried it. He continued to just watch as Tony straightened his jacket and tie, brushed off some fragments of the monitor that still clung to his jacket, and slowly turned to face him. Tony had clearly regained his self-possession very quickly.
Gibbs caught his breath. He had seen Tony under many circumstances and knew pretty much all his many personas. He was well acquainted with the masks Tony used to conceal himself from the world. Tony had one mask, one persona he habitually wore at work and that was the man most people actually thought he was. Gibbs knew better, knew that under the perpetual overgrown frat boy was an exceptionally intelligent, thoughtful and deeply reserved man. A man he had seen out in the open only a few times, mostly in that terrible two month period when Tony had nearly died from the plague and Kate had actually died on that godforsaken roof. He was looking at that man now.
The thoughtful, intelligent hazel eyes appraised him without heat. The anger, bitterness and overwhelming pain that had been in those eyes only minutes earlier was completely gone. Mostly, he just looked tired. The silence stretched out, as if Tony was waiting for Gibbs to say something. Gibbs found that he could not begin to formulate any words he wanted to put out into that silence. He found that cool, direct gaze almost unnerving. Finally, Tony spoke.
"I'm guessing you have a few questions you'd like answers to."
Gibbs nodded. "Yeah, I'd kind of like to know what just happened here, what the hell is going on."
Tony rubbed his left temple to try to ease the persistent headache. After a moment he said "Why don't I come by your place later this evening and we can talk about it."
"Why can't we discuss it now?" Gibbs asked, anger beginning to rise at the thought of being put off again.
"Because right now I need to see the Director and after that I need to talk to Ducky."
"I really think right now you need to talk to me first, DiNozzo." Gibbs wanted answers badly and didn't want to let Tony out of his sight until he had them. Too much had happened over too short a period of time. But he could already see that DiNozzo wasn't going to budge. He was staggeringly, almost glacially calm, considering how out of control with rage he had been just minutes earlier.
"We don't have the time to do this here and now, Boss" Tony said softly. "You know that Jen leaves early on Thursdays; and, to be blunt, I'm not talking to you until I've had a chance to talk to Ducky. Let me come by your place later this evening. I promise, by the time I leave, there'll be no more secrets between us."
"Is that your diplomatic way of saying that right now there are secrets between us?" asked Gibbs, unable to keep the edge of resentment out of his voice.
Tony sighed. He didn't want to do this right now. He was just so goddamn tired. This was a moment he had been dreading for years, but now that it was on him he couldn't even muster the energy to feel fear or apprehension. He cocked his head slightly and fixed Gibbs with a coolly appraising stare. Gibbs was, he noted , most unusually, figiting, nervous under Tony's gaze. It took Tony a moment to realize that it was because Gibbs knew that the situation had moved into unfamiliar territory, beyond his control.
It didn't occur to Tony that it might be because Gibbs was afraid for him.
"Come on, Gibbs," Tony said, his exhaustion now clear in his voice. "I never pushed you for your secrets. Not even when I knew what they were. Not even when we both knew what they were doing to us. I'll be there. I'll answer all your questions. I'm only asking for a few hours. Is it really that hard?" His voice broke on the last word, and a wave of intense grief, for what he did not know, swept through him. He hoped Gibbs didn't see it on his face, but he couldn't stop his eyes from filling and had to look away. He took a single deep breath, closing his eyes for a second then looked back. Gibbs' face was white, eyes wide with what appeared to shock.
"Well?" asked Tony after a long few seconds of silence.
"No. No, it's not that hard. I just, ..I...I'm worried about you. And when I get worried, I want answers, usually as fast as possible." Gibbs swallowed hard. He had been totally unprepared for anything that had happened in the last fifteen minutes. Saying what he had just said, acknowledging his fear, had been incredibly difficult for him. But Tony had seldom if ever asked him for anything, and had promised that he would come clean about what was going on. It wasn't too much to ask, and though it rankled Gibbs, he bit back hard on his anxiety. "I'd really like to know what the heck is going on, what just happened. But...it can wait until this evening."
"Okay." Tony nodded slowly. "I'm not trying to worry you or wind you up, Boss. I just need some time. Seven thirty? I'll bring some Thai..." He trailed off as Gibbs interrupted him. "Eight o'clock. I'll roast a chicken."
"Boss, you don't have to cook for me. Let me pick something up on the way."
"I don't cook this chicken I'm going to have to pitch it. I seem to recall you like roast chicken, don't you?"
Tony yielded, relieved that Gibbs was backing off and giving him the time he needed. "Yeah, sure. I just didn't want to put you out any further. I'll bring some beer, then."
"You bring beer, bring a clean shirt too."
"I beg your pardon?"
"Two beers and you're done for the evening. You'll be sleeping over. No way I'm letting you drive. " Gibbs smiled slightly. "You know the house rules, DiNozzo."
Tony shrugged tiredly. "Okay, Boss, house rules. I think we'll need Ducky there too." He watched as Gibbs nodded slowly. House rules. Huh. He realized Gibbs was reaching for some sense of normalcy, and it hurt him, because he knew they were long past that and he wondered why Gibbs didn't know that. But now he needed to get through the next few hours, get his team off the hook, and warn Ducky that the day they had hoped would never come had suddenly arrived.
He pushed off from the sink he'd been leaning against and said, "Well, if I don't get to the Director before her chauffeur, I won't get to talk to her till tomorrow. Do me a favor, will you Boss? Call Ducky and ask him to meet me in autopsy in about 15 minutes, would you?"
"Okay. Fifteen minutes going to be long enough for your talk with Jen?"
"Should be. It's not like I need to give her my life history. Just a little letter, so she'll let her top Major Case team do their jobs." Tony offered a mirthless half smile. "I mean if McGee is bored because Jen is concerned about my health, it's kinda up to me to get her off their backs." He began to move towards the lab doors.
Gibbs called after him "Maybe you should wait until morning to talk to her," knowing even as he said it that that wasn't likely to happen.
Tony stopped and turned back to Gibbs. The weary sadness was back on his face, and Gibbs was startled to realize that Tony was looking at him with something very like pity in his eyes. "No," he said simply. "I need to see her now."
"In light of what just happened here, what are you going to say to her?" said Gibbs with a touch of incredulity in his voice. A trace of amusement showed on Tony's face.
"Not much. I'm just going to give her a letter. It's not about me today, Gibbs. It's not right, what she's doing to the team. Don't forget to call Ducky, will you?" He turned and began moving towards the doors again.
"Tony..." Gibbs called after him. Once again Tony stopped and turned towards him, giving Gibbs an interrogative look as he did so.
"Yes?"
"Be careful. You give Jen that badge and she'll keep it." To Gibbs' astonishment, a genuine smile of amusement crossed Tony's features as he responded "I know." For just a moment his usual office persona seemed in place but Gibbs saw it fall from him like a cloak as he turned and strode to the elevator. Gibbs followed, standing just inside the lab doors and watching him as he waited for the elevator to arrive.
The elevator finally came and Tony boarded, turning and pressing the button for the floor he wanted. He had been looking down, but just as the elevator doors began to close he looked up and his eyes locked with Gibbs' for a long moment.
Gibbs was unprepared for the intensity of the fear and pain that shot through him as their gazes locked.
Those expressive eyes, shining a cat-like green under the elevator's lighting, were utterly, chillingly empty.
Try though he might Gibbs could not repress the thought that had accompanied that wave of fear.
My God, I'm losing him.
