After a long day of sifting through emails I had finally paced up the stairs to take ease in my quarters. It was a peculiar feeling as I felt my muscles relax and allowed a large huff of air escape my lungs. I could hear the creak of the door opening, unaccompanied by the usual tension brought by a certain immortal skumbag; there was only one person it could be.

"It certainly is quiet with him gone" The butler spoke.

"What do you want, Walter. I'm tuning out for the day."

"Some of the mercenaries would like to go into town tonight. I wouldn't typically impend such a simple request, although I wanted to check in light of your….how shall I put it, day off?"

Integra smiled at that last comment. "Tell them to stay inside and keep quiet, their dicks won't fall off from one night without alcohol." Those mercenaries weren't going to ruin her time and she wasn't taking any risks after the Burger King incident.

"Of course sir" Walter responded as he let himself out.

Integra leaped up from her bed and sat at the end of the mattress. She reached underneath and pulled out the book she kept hidden there to continue reading:

I walked into the theater to find it completely empty aside from one person. Naturally, this person happened to be sitting in my favorite spot. So I did what any Good Samaritan would do. I held a gun to his head and politely asked him to "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SEAT YOU THUMB SUCKING FOUR EYES SHIT FOR BRAINS".

He immediately stood up and ran out of the theater screaming for his dearly departed mommy, leaving behind the mountain of snacks he had purchased for himself. I sat down and took a sip of his drink before throwing it at the screens. Who the hell buys DIET coke anyway; of all drinks? The movie started and I quickly realized I was in the wrong theatre. No one in their right mind would buy a ticket to Alvin and the Fucking Chipmunks!

"Alucard, you fucking dork," Integra exclaimed as she shook her head. Who in their right mind would go see Alvin and the Chipmunks? Who in their right mind needed to see any of those boring movies? With an immortal life he must have seen plenty of violence in the real world to accommodate any interests he may have.

"I swear you're entire mind has an aptitude for violence" she spoke aloud. It was peculiar however, how many similar incidents filled these pages. So this is how Alucard spends his time off. Fortunately he hadn't caused any real damage….yet

The next page read:

This year I went to South Carolina to buy some fireworks. Apparently they have the best in the world. Who knew? After "borrowing" five jets full of explosives, I proceeded to launch them out of the crown in the Statue of Liberty. But for some reason, the boyz in blue didn't like my festive display. They even called the army on me. I thought this was the day that everyone is American! They did come in handy though, I ran out of firework holders. One by one, the soldiers held on for dear life as they followed the lights up into the sky. That'll teach them to join Team Rocket.

The rain tasted particularly good that day, like a cherry slurpee.

Well that explains why she had to send men to discretely repair the national icon as well as pay off a hefty fee to American officials. The greedy scumbags. And all this because Alucard was bored.

Integra slipped a piece of paper out the back cover and added to her notes: KEEP ALUCARD IN THE BASEMENET JULY 4TH, POSSIBLE BRIBERY NEEDED

She continued on the next page:

Integra told me I don't know how to properly drive a car, so today I was sent to take a road test. When I arrived, a small white haired man got out of his car and greeted me. I immediately thought "you've gotta be shitting me, who does this arthritis driven Bernie Sanders wanna-be mother fucker think he is to tell me I can and can't drive." He wants to start slowly by pulling into a parking space, but come on. Where's the fun in that. I put the pedal to the medal and proceeded to play target practice, hitting every mailbox, street sign, and homeless person within my vampiric sight. The old man's screams of terror only heightened my sexual pleasure. And I know what you're thinking. No. I don't have a thing for short old men with a dick the size of a quarter. The sound of infidelity, however. Ohhhhhhh.

Anyway, I finally got to go on the freeway, taking about 7 fuck da police cars with me. They wanted to race, that was their first mistake. I play dirty. And not just in the bedroom. I blew the roof off the car and proceeded to shoot my bazooka into the hearts of every female driver I could see. The pileup caused a traffic hazard that has yet to be completely fixed, two years later. I stopped the car to admire my work and found the old shit dead in my passenger seat. Heart attack. My least favorite kind of death. Look on the bright side, I got a new license and free dinner out of this.

Integra's fists slammed on the bed tossing the book violently to the floor with a loud slam.

"THAT VAMPIRIC ASSHOLE!" she shouted, recalling him returning home smiling with driver's license in hand.

"You look unusually pleased this afternoon, how did it go?" she had asked.

"Smooth as lube, boss. Everything went just fine." Alucard said.

"Well you got the license, and I haven't received any unusual calls. Good job Alucard, I'd like to see more of this work in the future." she had congratulated him.

She congratulated him;Integra shivered at the thought. If such an incident truly did occur, how could it not make the news? She may never be able to trust the vampire again.

She heard a loud rumble as someone rushed up the stairs.

"Is everything all right, Sir Integra?" Walter asked.

"I'm fine Walter, just releasing some frustration is all," Integra said. She quietly shuffled her feet towards the book to try and shove it under the bed.

"My dear what is that?" Walter asked; she was too late. Walter picked up the book; his eyes growing wide as he examined its contents.

"No, no. This won't do at all. You should relax Integra. Don't fill your head with this garbage while Alucard is gone."

"It's like he never left, Walter. His spirit haunts my career, and if nothing else I should take advantage of his absence to better prepare for dealing with him again." Integra said as she reached for the diary. Walter pulled the book away and took a step out of the room.

"I'll be disobeying your orders today, ma'am. Get some rest and I'll let you examine this tomorrow." Walter closed the door behind him and started down the stairs, his eyes glancing over the first few pages. "Fuck da rules, I'm immortal" Walter quoted from the first entry.

"A diary, how peculiar…." Walter's curiosity became peaked as he rushed to his own room.