Chapter 2
Red was a mess. He knew it, there was no need to look into Dembe's worried eyes to get confirmation. He was hurting and the pain was taking his breath away. He couldn't eat or sleep, all he did was drink and drink until either the bottle of scotch was empty or he was slipping into oblivion, whichever came first. The worst thing wasn't the hangover; it was the nightmares. They became the reason he ultimately avoided sleep altogether.
All he could see was her lifeless body in that awful van. Sometimes she was just lying there, feigning sleep, but most of the time she was staring up at him. Her eyes wide with fear as she begged him to not kill her. In his dreams he was crying, telling her that he would never hurt her, pleading with her to stop saying such things, to just hold on, to breathe and stay with him.
'Please, don't leave me.'
Lizzie would yell at him, telling him that he was responsible and all he could do was cry and agree.
When he woke up it would be because he was screaming so loudly. He would barely make it to the bathroom in time, dropping to his knees to puke the contents of his empty stomach into the ceramic bowl. His shirt would cling to his skin, soaked with sweat.
He missed her so much. She was his whole life and now she was gone.
He hadn't seen baby Agnes since the day he had first held her. It wasn't because of Tom, the coward had left, babbling about how he couldn't do any of it, saying he trusted Red to keep the child safe. But Red didn't trust himself. He had failed Lizzie once, despite all his promises.
'You have me and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you.'
He wouldn't fail her again. She had been right, he was a danger to her daughter and he owed her that much. So he had told Mr. Kaplan to make sure the baby was safe and sound, not wanting for anything. He didn't want updates or photos though, it just hurt too much.
Instead, Red went back to being a ruthless criminal, a killer. He went on rampages trying to kill everyone that had been involved in taking his Lizzie from him. He didn't tell anyone where he was going, not even taking Baz or Dembe with him. It didn't matter, nothing mattered anymore. These men just needed to die the most painful death and he didn't want to risk his friends getting hurt in the carnage.
It wasn't until he was lying on the floor bleeding from a gunshot wound to the stomach, that he watched his long time friend's hands desperately trying to stop the blood from oozing out of his body.
He hoped he had gotten every single one of them. His last thought was about Lizzie. How beautiful she had looked as they danced at the Syrian embassy. The way her hair had smelled of peaches when she had come to him, crying against his chest after finding out about Tom. How he had told her about the North Star and her being his way home. He thought about the moment she had stepped out of jail and run straight into his arms. How her last words had been, "Raymond, I do love..."
And then there was nothing.
"You are an idiot, Raymond," was the first thing he heard, when his eyes flickered open.
"Dembe, I agree with you, but give him a moment before tearing him a new one." A bright light was shone into his eyes and he flinched away with a groan. "Can you hear me?" He nodded slowly. "How are you feeling, dearie?"
Dead inside. "Like I was shot," he rasped out.
"How could you have been so reckless, Raymond?!" Dembe's voice sounded angry. "What were you thinking?!"
"I don't believe I asked for your opinion," Red sneered,
The tall man stepped closer to him. "You are being selfish! You could have died. You would have died if we had not found you! And for what? For nothing!"
He sat up, ignoring the way pain shot through his body. "This is not for nothing! How can you even suggest that?!"
"Boys," Mr. Kaplan tried to intervene, but they weren't listening.
"How would your dying help anyone now? It will not bring Elizabeth back!"
"You're out of line! How dare you speak about her like that?!"
"You cannot even say her name!"
"Get out."
Dembe turned on his feet and walked towards the door. "You are not the only one who cares."
Red sighed heavily, regret flooding him, as he watched the younger man open the door. "Dembe."
"Leave him be, dearie. He'll cool down eventually." Kaplan helped him lie down again, quickly looking over the wound to check if any stitches were pulled. "He has a point though. You're being stupid, Raymond,"
"I know... It's just... she was everything," his voice broke on that one word and Kaplan had to look away, unable to watch the pain on his face.
"It will get better," she promised, squeezing his hand. "Until then, take it a little easier."
At first it had been normal. He had been shot after all, but now that he had recovered, Red didn't want to leave the house anyway. He barely cracked a window. All he did was sit in his chair and look at the wall.
Dembe and he weren't really on speaking terms, as Red was isolating himself and the younger man was still furious.
Kate had tried coaxing him to step outside, telling him that the sound of the ocean would calm him down, but he had barely acknowledged her. Had he replied it would've been something along the lines of drowning himself in said ocean.
"This stops now. You're going for a walk."
"Leave me alone," he replied.
The short woman grabbed his arm and roughly pulled him up. "Go outside."
"I said leave me alone!" He hissed.
Letting go of him, she shook her head. "Go outside, Raymond." Then she left, closing the door behind her.
Risking a glance out of the window, Red could see that it was bright outside. He didn't feel like brightness. The only sunshine in his life was gone. There was only darkness and death.
With a sigh he put down the tumbler of scotch and made his way to the door and opened it. The fresh air hit his nostrils and he took a deep breath. He hadn't been outside in weeks. There was a slight breeze that blew the scent of the ocean towards him and slowly Red took the first steps onto the beach. The sun was warm against his skin, but it didn't warm his insides.
