Chapter Two: The Madness Continues
(Yup, another chapter. I had to do
something to kill time during Algebra)Disclaimer: I still don't own Les Miserables. Hugo does, the lucky genius. Oh, I don't own "Cosette: The Sequel to Les Miserables, either. (Thank the Lord!) That is Laura Kalpakian's problem.
*The new Javert brothers are lazily reclining on the end of the cloud, engrossed in a game of Candyland. Both are cheerfully sucking on lollipops and wearing multi-colored helicopter beanies*
Gavroche: *lying on his stomach across the board from Marius* Your turn, big brother
Marius: *takes a card* Blue! *takes the red gingerbread figure and jumps three spaces* Yay! I've reached the Ice Cream Ocean! I'm gonna get you, Gav!
Gavroche: *smirks* Not so fast *draws a card* Haha! Red! *jumps the yellow gingerbread figure four spaces to the end* I win again! Ha-ha, Haha-ha! *dances victory jig*
Marius: *pouts* Only 'cause I let you
Gavroche: *tosses the board off the cloud* I'm sick of this game
Marius: Wanna play freeze tag instead? *jumps up and down excitedly*
Gavroche: Nah, that's a sissy game. Let's wrestle instead
Marius: Okay!
Gavroche: *runs at Marius and gets him in a choke-hold* Haha-take that, big brother! This'll teach you to hog the remote!
Marius: *turns blue* Ow! I'm telling!
Javert: *whistles shrilly* BOYS! Get yourselves under control this instant!
Marius: *alarmed* Uh-oh. Dad's back!
Gavroche: *hastily releases Marius* It was all Marius's fault-you left him in charge!
Marius: *stands at attention* Shut up, Gavroche!
Javert: *whistles again* SETTLE DOWN! *snatches their lollipops, yanks their rainbow helicopter beanies off and replaces them with black top hats, motioning for them to straighten their matching police outfits* That's more like it. Now come along, boys, it's time for your swimming lessons. And then, if you're good, I'll buy you some snuff on the way home…
Gavroche: *whispers in Marius' ear* Marius, I'm worried about Dad. He's starting to kinda scare me
Marius: *nods fretfully* I know. *indicates a few days growth of stubble on the sides of his face* He's making me grow sideburns! I look like a geek! And every time we try to go and hang out with the Friends of the ABC, he starts yelling at us that he doesn't want us playing with traitors *his lip quivers* He's so mean sometimes!
Gavroche: *taps his chin thoughtfully* Yeah. Anything's better than being stuck with Thenardier, though
Marius: You think he's bad? You should have met my grandpa. Every time I came into a room, he start calling me names and hitting me with his cane.
Gavroche: Yeah. It could be worse. But we need to get the old man to lighten up before he drives us both wacko
Marius: *gets a light bulb over his head* I've got an idea! Gavroche, what this family needs is a mother! We've got to find a wife for Dad, that ought to straighten him out.
Gavroche: Marius, old boy, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard
Marius: Hey!
Gavroche: But I think it would really annoy him, so count me in.
Marius: *grabs Gavroche by the wrist and drags him away* Aw, come on…*snatches their lollipops out of Javert's pocket as they sneak away*
Jehan: *sitting a ways off with the rest of Les Amis* I think Pontmercy's finally gone off the deep end
Combeferre: *the pipe still between his teeth* It's regression. Go figure. The whole break-up must have been rough on him
Cosette: *hanging on Grantaire* What did I ever see in him, anyway?
Grantaire: That doesn't matter. Now that you're with me, we're gonna have some fun
Cosette: What? What are we going to do?
Grantaire: *grins* Come with me… *he leads Cosette away, laughing*
Courfeyrac: *shrugs* Whaaaaaaaatever…
Bahorel: I don't even want to KNOW where they're going
Feuilly: Will you guys keep it down? I'm trying to read, here. *buries his face in a paperback*
Joly: *nabs the book* What have we here? *reads the cover* Laura Kalpakian's "Cosette"
Bousset: A book about Cosette?
Feuilly: Yeah. And Azelma Thenardier, and Marius…Actually, there's even a little bit about us in the first chapter
Courfeyrac: *perks up* About us?
Feuilly: *quirks an eyebrow* Well, actually, not really. The only ones it talks about are you, me, Enjolras, and Combeferre.
Bousset, Joly, Bahorel, Jehan: Hey!
Bahorel: Man, what do people have against me, anyway?
Feuilly: Whatever you do, don't look at Chapter Nine. It's enough to give you nightmares *shudder*
Joly: *slams the book closed, looking horrified* Too late! Ugh!
Feuilly: I hear that. Man, I didn't think that I'd ever hear anyone swear more frequently than Grantaire…
Combeferre: *takes the book from Joly* I think this piece of work is a candidate for The Pit!
Les Amis: *cheer raucously*
*They all tumble over a few cloud-hills and peer over the edge. Quite a ways below them is a flaming black hole, in which we can see several other items smoldering. Several bad Les Miserables movies and the abridged novel are the only recognizable item left among the ashes*
Combeferre: *hurls the book into The Pit*
Bahorel: Die! Die
*The book obediently crumbles into charred ashes*
Les Amis: Hurrah!
Feuilly: Well, that was refreshing
Bousset: *dusts off his hands* Yeah. Hey, next time can we burn a copy of that stupid musical that only gave me four lines.
Combeferre: I don't think so
Bousset: Huh! Easy for you to say! You got twelve lines!
Combeferre: Naw, I just don't think Enjolras would give his approval. He really likes the musical. It gives him an excuse to wear that weird vest he likes so much
*Everyone laughs mockingly*
Jehan: *puzzled* What? What's so funny? I think the vest is rather smart-looking
Joly: *takes a last look into the Pit and begins to cough* I'd better get away from here. Smoke inhalation is bad for the lungs, you know
Courfeyrac: Uh, Joly, we're dead. I really don't think it'll hurt you now
Combeferre: *turns to leave with a grin* Another job well done, huh Enjolras? *he glances around for Enjolras* Enjolras?
Feuilly: *scratches his head* What happened to Enjolras? He never passes up a chance to burn anti-Ami literature
Jehan: He's off with that fiancée of his again *points at Enjolras in the distance*
Enjolras: *sits on the far side of the cloud with Fantine, looking bored*
Fantine: *studying a copy of American Bride Magazine* Marcelin, honey, what kind of flowers should we have at the wedding?
Enjolras: I don't care
Fantine: *thwacks him lightly with the magazine* Now, I need your input. *looks thoughtful* How about getting Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper to play at our reception?
Enjolras: *frowns* I had hoped to keep the extravagances to a minimum
Fantine: *irritated* Marcelin! This is my first wedding and I want it to be perfect!
Enjolras: *looks exasperated* Women!
Valjean: *strolls by with Eponine on his arm* Good day, Fantine. Good day, Enjolras *tips his hat courteously*
Enjolras: *answers with a resentful grunt*
Eponine: *to Fantine* What's the matter with him?
Fantine: *shakes her head* Never mind him. He's just got a case of the pre-wedding jitters
Eponine: *nods knowingly* I hear that. Jean-y's just as bad. And I think all of those years in the galleys must have dulled his good taste. He wanted chartreuse and fuchsia for our wedding colors!
Valjean: *sulks* I happen to like fuchsia *sits down next to Enjolras* Honestly, Monsieur Enjolras, I'm starting to remember why I was never known to have a sweetheart. Eponine wants to have the Big Bopper sing at our reception, for goodness sake!
Fantine: *claps her hands* Me too!
Eponine: Really? Have you guys set a date yet?
Fantine: *smiles and shakes her head* No. I wanted to be married on Valentine's Day, but Enjy insists on June 6th
Eponine: *squeals girlishly* A June wedding! How romantic!
Enjolras: *sullen* I was going for irony…
Fantine: *ignoring him* You think so? *snaps her fingers* Hey, I just got a great idea. We could do a double wedding!
Eponine: Loving it, loving it! Finally, after all that miserable death and pitiful lyrical lamenting, our fluffy romantic dreams are coming true!
*Eponine and Fantine squeal together. Valjean and Enjolras have not heard any of this conversation, as they are too busy discussing the shortcomings of the justice system*
---Will Fantine and Eponine ever get their dream wedding? Will Gavroche and Marius ever find themselves a new mother? And where the heck have Grantaire and Cosette gone off to? Tune in for the next confusing installment of Just Another Day In Paradise!
