The beginner tests were mostly easy (those cubes are heavier than they seem in the game!), but when I got to the harder tests I was a little screwed. See, I'm not exactly a smart guy. I fix cars for a living. Sure, I can take an engine apart and put it back together… but logic puzzles aren't exactly my forte. I was standing on a button, thinking about how the HELL I was gonna solve this one…. When it hit me.
"Nononono! I can't be here….. This is a video game! I'm real! I can't…. No!"
I sat down and began yelling
"NO! I'M REAL! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING! THIS IS A VIDEO GAME OR A BAD DREAM OR SOMETHING! I'M REAL! MY NAME IS ETYX MASON AND I HAVE A FAMILY AND A HOUSE AND A JOB IN THE BEST CITY IN THE WORLD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
There was a long silence.
"I'm sorry to interrupt this… spectacle… but did you say that this was a video game? Because I sure feel real."
"This has gotta be some sort of alternate reality or something… I mean, how else do you explain what I'm sure you found on my phone?"
You could hear a pin drop. It felt like even the background noise of that place stopped.
"You know, I am the world's largest collection of knowledge…. And I have no idea. So you…. Better tell me. And I'll make your death painless."
"I have no idea. I was just…. Standing around and then that shed appeared in the backyard of an empty house in my neighborhood…. Fuck fuck fuck…."
"Well, I will present you with an option. Aperture has been conducting research into alternate realities for some time now, with no results, but you seem to have the key. So either you can keep testing until you die…. Or you let me go through your mind, and i might just let you go."
I was pretty much dumbstruck. "Of course I pick option 2!" Some panels opened in the wall and I walked out. After a long walk, I reached a room that looked like it had just been thrown together, which it probably had. It was just a smallish room, with nothing but a chair in it. I sat down… and what followed was thoroughly unpleasant. First, some sort of robotic arm came out of the wall and stuck a huge needle in me. I passed out then, but the feeling that followed wasn't exactly peaceful. It was like my mind was a library, and she was going through, looking in every book and ripping out one or two pages where she saw fit. I regretted picking the second option, but she was in now, and I couldn't do anything about it. Then I realized…. She knew everything i had thought now. That library had a bit of an…. Adult section as well… and she probably wouldn't be happy about being the star. Once she was finished, I woke up. Exhausted, panting, not able to get up from the chair. I weakly spoke:
"If you had told me how intense that was gonna be, maybe I'd have picked Option 1!"
"Well, it's done now… And I must say, from what I saw in there, I might have to recommission the Intimate Testing Initiative. Kidding, of course."
(A/N: First of all, this seems like a good place to leave off, what with embarrassment, mind reading, and a bit of a cliffhanger. Second of all, yes, I changed the name. I say it fits better, seeing as Deus Est Machina literally means "god is the machine"
