Suicide Attempt…and Rescue
'Is life even worth it?'
That's the question screaming at me. I'm still holding the glass shard and I'm shaking violently by now.
It would be so easy. Just take the shard and slice it across my wrist. And everything will be over. All my pain. Maybe I'll get to go to Heaven again. If they'll take me back.
But something is holding me back. And I don't know what. Is it Dawn? I know I'm being selfish for leaving her again, but I can't do it anymore. She'll be fine. They all will. They were all fine before.
Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they weren't fine. Why do you think they brought you back, Buffy? They couldn't do it all without you. They need you.
A new feeling is taking me over now. Guilt. By taking away my pain I'll be re-emerging theirs; Dawnie's. Oh God, the look on her face when she saw me alive. She was so happy. All she wanted was me to be with her; she didn't ask for all this. She just wanted her sister back.
I have to close my eyes tightly against the image of Dawnie's face when she finds out her sister has gone away; again. The unbearable pain that would show there.
Kind of like the pain I've felt ever since I was brought back.
Now that I think about it, pain seems like such an understatement. I don't think there is a word for what I feel. It's deeper than pain. So much deeper. It's like there's darkness clouding me, suffocating me, and I can't get free, can only let it take me over as I sink deeper and deeper each day. Losing more of myself every day.
Which brings back the question, 'Is life even worth it?'
And then suddenly it's clear to me. The answer is simply 'no.' It's not worth it if there's so much pain. I already lived my life. A pretty crappy life, yeah, but still a life. The life of the Slayer. I did my good deeds, died to save the world, why couldn't they have just let me rest? I was so very tired. I just wanted to be happy. And I was. But THEY took that away from me. Ripped me from my paradise, my reward for protecting the world for all those years. Why?
Because they're selfish idiots?
Yeah, that sounds about right.
I feel another sob tear through my throat, and my vision gets blurry again. Feeling anger now towards my friends, I've made up my mind.
I can't do it anymore. I WONT do it anymore.
Still trembling and crying, I carefully take the glass shard and lift it to my wrist. Placing it against my sensitive skin, I quickly slice it deep. Blood immediately comes to the surface and trickles down my arm and onto the floor. I'm still sobbing.
I take the shard in my other hand and slice my other wrist also. My wrists and hands burn and ache badly, but again the pain is comforting. Welcomed.
There's no turning back now and I almost sigh in relief of the fact that it's all going to end. I won't have to do this anymore.
Leaning back against the wall, I sit and wait, watching myself bleed.
'I'm so sorry, Dawnie…'
"I wanna be sedated." Spike's sing-song voice rang out as he walked through the Summers' front door. He bobbed his head to the music only he could hear and he opened his mouth to yell out in the dark, empty home.
"Oi, Slayer! Why is it so dark? Trying to go bloody blind?" He shook his head and switched on the living room light, looking around and seeing no one. He frowned and went into the kitchen, turning on the light also. Seeing a piece of paper on the counter, he picked it up and read the note. He grinned.
"Well, well, looks like it's just gonna be you and me then, luv!" he called again. When he didn't get an answer, he frowned again and went towards the staircase, thinking that maybe she'd gone to sleep already. He grinned again. (Mmm…Buffy in bed. Looks like this night isn't gonna be so dull after all.)
But when he got to the first step, he froze. Catching a scent in the air, he inhaled sharply. His eyes widened when he caught the unmistakable scent of blood. Feeling suddenly very concerned and on the edge of panic, he raced up the stairs and followed the scent to the bathroom.
Throwing open the door, he stood in absolute shock and horror as he took in the disaster of the bathroom and the bloody, broken mess that was Buffy.
Oh god, oh god, he found me.
He wasn't supposed to find me. Not like this. Not when it's not over yet.
I won't look at his face. Won't see the sheer horror written on it. I can only look at his shoes as I crumble in defeat.
He seems to come out of his state of shock and he stomps over to where I'm huddled against the wall, pieces of glass crunching under his boots. He kneels down and finally I get a look at his face, horror and panic still in his eyes.
"Buffy?" He asks softly. "What happened? What did this to you?"
I'm confused for a second before I realize that he hasn't figured it out yet. He thinks something attacked me. He'd never guess that this was all my doing. At least not until he sees my wrists.
I don't answer, just continue to look at him blankly, too tired to even respond. I just lie there.
He frowns in concern and touches my hair. "Buffy? Luv? Talk to me. What happened?" I still don't answer.
He finally looks down at my body and it's then I realize that I'm still naked. But I can't seem to find the energy to care.
His eyes suddenly widen and I watch as he lifts one of my arms up, inspecting my hands and wrist. Confusion is written on his face and he lifts my other arm up, seeing the same wounds. When he sees no other wounds on my body, he seems to piece together what happened. I watch as the horror returns to his face and he looks up at me with sheer devastation.
"Buffy? What did you do?"
There's something in his tone that makes me uncomfortable and I swallow nervously. I look at him with my tear filled eyes and still don't answer him.
"Why?" He asks, with a tinge of anger in his voice, and I see a muscle in his jaw twitch.
"It's not me…" I whisper. "It's not me."
He frowns in confusion and frustration and takes hold of my shoulders, making me look directly at him. "What's not you? What are talking about, pet? What the bleeding hell happened tonight?"
I glance towards the broken pieces of glass and respond, "It's not me." I know I'm sounding like a broken record but that's the only thing my brain can seem to spit out right now.
I can see the anger and frustration in his eyes and he starts to shake me. "What the hell are you talking about, Buffy? Talk to me!" He shakes me again and then suddenly it's all too much for me. I burst into tears again and I barely register the surprised look on his face. I grasp his biceps and continue to sob.
"Oh god, Spike," I choke out. "It's all too much. I can't take it anymore. Please, I just want it to end. Let me end it."
I can sense his shock, but I ignore it. I leap forward into his arms and I hold on tightly to his neck, practically wailing in agony. After a few seconds, his arms go around me tightly and I cry even harder. "Please, please, let me rest."
He holds me as I cry, which seems like hours to me. When I've nearly cried myself out, only occasionally letting out a sob, he brushes my hair back and whispers in my ear, "Come on, luv, let's get you cleaned up."
My eyes widen as I take in the fact that he's stopping me. Not letting me end it. I pull away from him abruptly, seeing the surprised look on his face again.
"No!" I yell with enough force to send the most confident vampire running. "I have to end it. It's not me anymore! You have to let me end it."
"By killing yourself?" Spike asks, strangely calm as he looks into my eyes. "That's not the solution, pet. I know it hurts like hell, but –"
"No, I'm not hearing this," I say, shaking my head vigorously and closing my eyes shut. I mumble to myself and I'm pretty sure I sound like a mental asylum patient, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that he's stopping me. Stopping me from rest. I feel a sudden surge of anger towards him and I lash out and hit him in the chest. But I'm weak from loss of blood and the hit is harmless to him. He stares at me in deep concern with those intense blue eyes of his, and that only makes me hit more. I continue to punch uselessly at him, yelling and crying all at the same time. "It's not me! Why won't you let me rest? Please, Spike, just let me rest."
I hear a choked sound come from him and he winds his arms around me again, trying to still me. I finally lose the energy and I collapse against him, feeling completely helpless and lost. I start sobbing again and suddenly I start feeling lightheaded and my vision is starting to fade to black.
I realize it's from blood loss and I just close my eyes as I start to lose consciousness, listening to the sounds of Spike's soothing words in my ear.
