A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head.
They were all gathered in the conference room when Hotch walked in. He closed the door behind him as he usually did to give them some privacy. "Thank you all for being here. I know it's been a rough couple of days for everyone and I appreciate your coming in today. I spoke to Detective Brustin last night and he said the NYPD was holding a service for Kate day after tomorrow. Since there isn't much of a chance that we'll be able to go to London for her burial, I thought you all would like to know in case you planned on attending. I'll be driving up, I'm still not allowed to fly" Hotch said.
"We can all go together" Rossi said.
"I'll be taking my own car; I have a few appointments I've set up. I'll be staying there a few days." Hotch said.
"Appointments?" Derek asked.
"The doctors seem to think I might have hearing loss because of my injury. I need to see a few specialists and get 2nd and 3rd opinions. I can't be very effective in the field if I have a hearing impairment." Hotch explained.
"Do they think it's permanent?" JJ asked.
Hotch shrugged. "They aren't sure, that's why I need to see a few more doctors." Hotch answered.
"What time do we leave tomorrow?" Emily asked.
"I'll be heading out in the morning but everyone can set their own schedules. I've talked to Strauss, we have the week off. They weren't expecting us to be in today at all. She did ask that we finish up our reports before we left." Hotch said.
They all got up to leave and go finish their paperwork. "Morgan, can I see you in my office please." Hotch asked.
"Sure thing." He replied as he watched Penelope leave the room. She hadn't spoken two words in his direction since that night. He knew she was upset at him but he had promised to wait, and so he gave her the time and space she needed. Hotch called him again and he snapped out of his daze and walked over to Hotch's office.
"Close the door" Hotch said.
"The New York Office is pressuring me for an answer. They want to know if you'll take the job. They need to get the position filled." Hotch said.
Derek hadn't had any time to think this through. He had just gotten back and if he had to be honest with himself, Hotch's words about his trust issues had hit home. He wasn't sure what he was going to do. "I don't know" he said shaking his head and biting the inside of his lower lip. "I really don't know"
"I need to give them answer." Hotch pressured.
"I don't have one Hotch. They can't expect me to up and move without thinking it all through. "Derek said
"What's holding you back? Hotch asked.
"You" Derek said tightening his jaw. "You're holding me back"
"Is this about our conversation in NY? Because if it is there's something I need to clarify." Hotch said.
"I'm all ears" Derek said
"I stand behind my observation, you still have trust issues. That doesn't mean I don't believe you're a damn good agent. If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't trust you with my life. Let me ask you this, why did you do it?" Hotch asked
Derek let out a deep breath. He stood there looking at Hotch for a few seconds before replying. "Hotch, who on this team would have had any possibility of defusing that bomb? I worked with the bomb division for 18 months specializing in these devices. We had no time to get the bomb squad out there, much less, time for them to diffuse it. We sure as hell didn't have time to clear the Hospital. Hell, by the time we were able to find the guy, the cell disruption was over. We would all have been killed. It was a no brainer Hotch." Derek said.
"You didn't answer my question." Hotch said staring him down.
"Dammit Hotch; what do you want from me?" Derek said, his voice sounding agitated. Hotch kept silent. Derek rubbed his chin but hesitated in his reply. "I grew up without a father; I know what that's like. There was no way in hell I was going to let Jack grow up without his."
Derek's answer stunned Hotch. "I'll let NY know you need more time." Hotch said. Derek was visibly upset. It was at times like this that he felt that Hotch didn't validate anyone's reasoning but his own. Without saying a word, Derek walked out.
Hotch sat in his office and went over the conversation with Derek. Everything Derek had said about the bomb was right. He was the most qualified to deal with it. There was no time for the bomb squad. Derek's actions had effectively saved hundreds of lives. If Derek had stayed behind and not acted as he did, they all would have been dead.
Derek grabbed his jacket from his chair and walked out of the bullpen. He wanted to go to Penelope's office, no, he needed to go to Penelope's office but she was the last person he could discuss the actions of that night with. He knew he had put her through hell. It broke his heart that he had been the one to make her cry. He couldn't put her through any more emotional stress. He turned his cell phone off and walked out the front door.
JJ and Emily stood in the bullpen and watched as Derek left. They didn't know what had happened but whatever it was, they both decided that talking to Hotch about it was going to be pointless.
"I wonder if this has to do with NY?" JJ said.
"Do you think he'll take the job?" Emily asked.
"I don't know. It's a great opportunity for him. Does Penelope know about this?" JJ asked.
"I haven't talked to her about it so I don't know. Lately any mention of Derek's name gets a quick subject change with her." Emily said.
"I'm sure she'll come to terms with what happened in NY in her own time. I think we all will." JJ said.
"Yea but what if he takes the job? How is she going to handle that?" Emily said.
