"You look so pretty, Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen, as she sat on the bed in her parents' room, watching Harley put on her makeup in her long, black and red evening gown. "Like a Disney princess!"
"I'm not sure which Disney princess looks like a clown, sweetie," said Harley, smiling at her. "But thank you."
"Why do you dress up like a clown, Mommy?" asked Arleen. "Is it because of Daddy?"
"Uh huh," said Harley, returning her attention to her makeup.
"Why does Daddy look like a clown all the time, but you have to put on makeup?" she asked.
"Because Daddy is a very special man," said Harley. "And he had a very special thing happen to him that made him extra handsome."
"You mean like a spell?" asked Arleen, eagerly. "Did he have a spell put on him, like in Beauty and the Beast?"
"Kinda," agreed Harley. "Only instead of the spell making your Daddy ugly, it made him the most gorgeous man in the whole world. Not to mention the sweetest, smartest, funniest guy ever."
"So how come you can kiss him?" asked Arleen. "Won't that break the spell? Isn't that what true love's kiss does?"
"Usually," agreed Harley. "But your Daddy and me have a special kind of love, which means we can have true love's kiss as much as we want, but the spell still remains."
"Wow!" said Arleen, impressed. "I hope I have a love like that someday, Mommy!"
"I hope you do too, sweetie," said Harley, coming over to kiss her forehead.
"You ready, pumpkin pie?" asked Joker, entering the room dressed in a newly tailored purple suit.
"Ain't she pretty, Daddy?" asked Arleen, pointing to her mother.
Joker smiled at Harley. "Yeah, she don't scrub up too bad," he said, kissing her tenderly. "Not as pretty as you, though, princess," he said, picking up his daughter. She handed him the flower for his buttonhole, and he threaded the stem through. "There you go, princess, press that," he said, holding out the bulb at the end of the stem.
Arleen obeyed, and shrieked in surprise as a jet of acid shot out, landing on the bed and burning a hole into the sheets with a hiss. She giggled, clapping her hands happily.
"Puddin', I've told you a hundred times, no acid inside," sighed Harley, going over to examine the damaged sheet. "Lucky it didn't eat through the mattress – they're so expensive. Anyway, is the spray flower even gonna be necessary tonight?"
"C'mon, pumpkin, it's me!" exclaimed Joker. "Can't go anywhere without my gag items, the deadlier the better! Besides, you never know when acid might come in handy."
"Hopefully not on our date night," said Harley.
"Oh, is that what you've turned this into?" he asked. "Because I kinda thought it was a business meeting."
"Yeah, it is," agreed Harley. "But it's a business meeting at a fancy restaurant where we get to dress up. I call that a date."
"I think you've just forgotten what a date is," retorted Joker.
"A date is any night we have to find a babysitter," retorted Harley. She glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which, where is Red?"
"I dunno," said Joker. "She'd better hurry up, though. Being late is so tacky, and we're cutting it kinda fine. And I'm anything but tacky."
"I'll call her," said Harley, reaching for the phone. "Maybe she's stuck in traffic."
Poison Ivy was not stuck in traffic. She had had a criminal job planned for that afternoon, bombing a cosmetics company that specialized in plant-based products. The company was called Double Exposure, and so she had asked Two-Face if he wanted to join her in blowing up the factory, promising him half the cut of any loot they managed to steal before they blew the place up. Two-Face had agreed, only when they had returned to Ivy's hideout after the bombing, she had decided that since the take was so pitiful, it wasn't worth splitting with him. Two-Face had gotten angry, and called her a lying little whore, and she had called him an ugly, two-faced bastard, and one thing had led to another, and she woke up to her phone vibrating loudly on her bedside table while she lay naked in his arms.
"Dammit, what time is it?" she muttered, glancing at the clock. She saw, and instantly panicked. "Aw, crap!" she shrieked, leaping out of bed and scrambling to get dressed. "Harley, hi!" she said, picking up the phone and trying to pull her tights on awkwardly.
"Red, where are you?" asked Harley.
"Uh…just…had a little…er…car trouble," said Ivy, pulling on her leotard. "Almost there. Be about five minutes."
Two-Face was looking around for his own clothes, and suddenly tripped over a potted plant, swearing loudly. "Red?" said Harley. "Who's that?"
"Uh…it's…uh…no one," said Ivy, glaring at him. "Er…Harley…tunnel's coming up…losing signal…" She began hissing into the phone. "There…see…soon…bye!"
She hung up the phone. "Jesus Christ, Harvey, you almost blew it!" she snapped, glaring at him.
"Don't blame me!" he snapped. "Why didn't you tell me you had stuff to do this evening?"
"Because in the heat of the moment, I forgot," she snapped, racing over to fix her hair and quickly apply her makeup. "But I really don't think Harley would take kindly to me telling her that I forgot about babysitting her kids because I was having sex with you."
"That's right – I forget it ain't just me you lie to," he growled, pulling on his suit.
"Oh, what is your problem?" she demanded, glaring at him.
"My problem is you!" he shouted. "You saying one thing and meaning another! You still me owe half the cut from this job, you lying bitch!"
"I'm not discussing this now, Harvey – I have places to be," she said, seizing her purse. "We'll talk later, ok?"
"There's nothing to discuss!" he shouted. "You owe me that money!"
She sighed, hastily applying some lipstick. Then she seized his face in her hands, kissing him deeply. "Talk later," she repeated.
"Ok," he gasped, unable to resist her mind-control lipstick.
"Good boy," she whispered, racing out the door and heading into her car. It was going to be pretty difficult to get all the way across town in five minutes, but maybe she could use some plants to clear the road…
She had been thinking this when someone suddenly smashed down on the top of her car. "Oh no, not now!" she hissed, as Batman stood up, glaring at her through the windscreen.
"You're supposed to be in Metropolis!" she shouted.
"Change of plan," he growled, seizing her and dragging her out of the car. "I got called back after an eco-terrorist attack on a cosmetics company. Know anything about that, Ivy?"
"Look, Bats, I don't have time for this!" she snapped. "I have something really important I gotta do…"
"What is it, Ivy?" he demanded. "Blowing up another factory? I'm not gonna let you do that, I'm afraid."
"Don't make me do this, Bats," she hissed.
He reached for the batcuffs to arrest her, and Ivy grabbed him, kissing him passionately. "Now let me go, you big bully!" she snapped.
Batman didn't obey her. "You really think I haven't developed an immunity to that yet?" he demanded.
She shrugged. "It still works for Harvey."
"Actually, it doesn't," said Two-Face, standing in the doorway with two guns pointed at Batman. "I just pretend it does. Now let the lady go, Bat-freak."
Batman obeyed. "Pammie, go," Two-Face hissed. "I'll handle him."
Ivy nodded gratefully, climbing back into her car and backing out of her driveway. "Harvey?" she called. He looked at her. "You can have the loot," she murmured. "All of it."
He grinned. "I only want half," he murmured.
What could have been a tender moment between the two was ruined by Batman's fist colliding with Two-Face's face. Ivy raced off into the street, leaving them to fight, although she knew in her heart who was going to win.
It was confirmed a few minutes later when the Batmobile slammed into her car, making it screech to a halt. Batman dragged Ivy out, cuffed her, and threw her in the backseat next to a handcuffed Two-Face.
"Bats, I have to call Harley!" she cried. "It's important!"
He ignored her, slamming the door shut. Ivy shared a look with Two-Face, and leaned back, sighing. "I hope they can find another babysitter on such short notice," she muttered.
