They were facing each other, each with their back propped against an arm of the large sofa. Nepeta tucked her feet underneath her, curled comfortably between the arm and the back of the dark leather. Equius sat cross-legged, back bent so that his elbows rested on his knees and his head was propped in his hands.
That's the pose he does when he knows he's done something wrong.
Equius' fingers were in his hair, his glasses resting in his lap so she could see his eyes. He looked up at her.
This was the silent part. The part where he could reflect on what he would say to her when she questioned him. The part where she did her analysis.
Frustration, agitation, shame, anger, disappointment.
He's in bad shape.
Nepeta looked towards the ceiling with the intent of preparing herself, but had to look away at the sight of wires hanging down from where the fan used to be. Suppressing a shudder, she looked back at Equius. He had drawn his legs and arms in more, and seemed to have shrunk. Okay, enough analysis. Time to get into the deep stuff.
She took a deep breath, mostly to break the silence.
"Okay. Are you ready?"
He glanced up at her from under his eyelids, but didn't move. After a substantial silence, he nodded.
"What is my name?"
He glared at her, but they both knew the simple questions were just as important as the ones that came after.
"Nepeta Leijon."
"What is your blood color?"
"Indigo."
"What's my blood color?"
"Olive."
"What's Aradia's blood color?"
"Indi- er, burgundy."
He always stumbled at that one. She put that away in the corner of her brain that contained her mental shipping wall.
"What about Gamzee?"
He made the agitated sound that he always did when Gamzee was brought up.
"Purple."
They continued in this vein for a while, the simple questions going back and forth as easily as breathing. When they first started the feelings jams, she used to ask what had happened first. It proved to be a bad decision.
Preferring not to dwell on that just now, Nepeta paused in her questioning to allow Equius another chance to gather himself.
"Alright. What were you feeling when you decided to... wreck stuff?" she asked him.
His voice was soft, back to normal. That quiet trembling that was always in the back of his words sent chills down her spine. "I was feeling frustrated. Angry. Er..." he paused. "Disgusted. By myself."
Then he wasn't angered by someone else. It was his own actions.
"How did you feel about yourself?" she said.
He paused. This was always a difficult part for him.
"I felt like a failure. I will never know how to do anything... gently. I-" He stopped suddenly and straightened his back slightly. His hands, now free of the weight of his head, clenched into fists. Then he sank down again, arms now on his thighs, shoulder blades pressed together. His fingers began to work a pattern into his palms. His head was so low that his hair hung onto the leather of the sofa cushion.
"I loathe myself."
The calm in his voice was forced, and the tremor that was usually hidden behind it was now brought to the front. Nepeta tried to remain in the same position, wondering frantically if he was about to lose himself again...
Hell no. Not if I have anything to do with it.
"Equius. Be calm," she ordered him. He shrugged.
Don't shrug! That was the sign of indifference; the I don't care one way or another. "Breathe with me. Okay? In. Out. In. Out. Lengthen your breathing."
She saw his entire body go limp against the couch. Good, good. Keep him there.
Her own voice was shaking now. "Now isolate those feelings."
He looked up at her sharply. She couldn't help it; she flinched back, startled, and then immediately regretted it. Equius saw the motion and seemed to flatten.
"Isolate them?" The voice seemed to come from behind him this time. It was so thin and lifeless, Nepeta wondered if the voice was from someone else standing on the other side of him.
She was getting encouraged now, having an idea of what to do.
"Imagine all of your feelings. Gather them in a ball. And then..." she grabbed either side of Equius' face and tilted it up so he was looking her in the eye, "SMASH them!"
He looked up at her heavily. Inhaled. Exhaled.
Then he looked back down. "How am I supposed to smash them when smashing things is what I'm trying to stop?"
"Because you can control it."
His voice had come back to normal. "E-excuse me?"
"This way, you know you have control."
She paused, thinking. "You can take the- the violence you always feel... and you can be dominant over it. You can be STRONG." She tried to say it the way he always did. Not changing the volume, exactly. It was something about the tone. The assertiveness.
Then Equius drew himself up. He looked at her, face filled with confusion and determination.
"I need something to break." he said, quite calmly.
"Wh-what?" Nepeta stuttered.
"I need to destroy something, but... I need you to be there."
Standing on the sofa so that she was just barely taller than him, Nepeta considered this.
This is his way of controlling himself, I suppose...
"What about your robots?"
"They're all at my respiteblock."
Oh. Duhhhhhhh.
"Okay," she said. "I'll think of something."
It fell silent then. Equius relaxed back onto the sofa, staring at the hole in the ceiling.
So strong, but so delicate. He tries to hide it, but- and she had to suppress a smile- he can't hide anything from his meowrail.
Now what can he break?
Ah.
