It had been two days since I'd made up my mind to get out of La Push. It couldn't happen straight away. I still had my acceptance to Washington State University, but I hadn't saved up nearly enough money. Still, I'd reasoned, I had until September to save up. I phoned the manager of the Dew Drop Inn then next day, asking if I could have my old job back.
"I'm sorry hun," Wendy had said, "We hired someone else. I can pass you details on to the owner; see if he has anything else for you?"
I'd thanked her and agreed to passing on my name and number. She promised she'd put in a good word and get back to me. That had been yesterday morning and I'd heard nothing from her since.
"Maybe the boss wasn't in." Seth offered after I'd filled him in. I hadn't told anyone about my exact plans, mom and Seth didn't know about my plans to go to college, they simply thought I wanted to get out of the house. Seemingly happy that I was doing something, they didn't question me further.
"I doubt it." I grumbled, plating up the lasagne I had made for dinner before setting it down on the table. "Dinner's ready." I called through to the lounge.
Seth was already half way through his double portion when my mom and Billy joined us. He was eating so much nowadays, I wondered where he was putting it- sure he'd grown tall but he was still rake thin. I assessed him, careful to hide my gaze, and I was surprised to see that he wasn't as gangly as I remembered. He was still thin, but as he shovelled the food towards his mouth like it would disappear any second I noticed the muscles that were moving in his arm as he did so. Where had they come from?
I wondered what could be sparking this change in him. Perhaps he was bulking up with his new friends, taking out his aggression on a punching bag. At least I hoped it was a punching bag, and not a person. I scolded myself; Seth would never do that- no matter what his problems were. I knew that Jacob liked to work on cars, my dad had helped him build the garage in his garden a few years ago, under the proviso that Seth could also use it if he ever got into cars because 'there's no bloody way I'm building another one' he'd said. I had noticed how big Jacob had gotten- it was difficult not to- perhaps he was no longer interested in cars and his garage was now a mini-gym. If Seth was trying to bulk up it would certainly explain the food consumption. I didn't really see a problem with his new hobby, as long as he wasn't using steroids.
I'd have to find out if they were. Not only for Seth, but Billy needed to know if his son was on drugs. I wondered how I would find out. Would I have to snoop in Seth's room? Probably. Would I have to follow them around the rez or stakeout the garage? I sincerely hoped not but, I reasoned, if I couldn't find any evidence in his room then I'd definitely consider it.
We ate mostly in companionable silence, only interrupted when someone asked for the salt, or more bread, or when Seth scraped his chair back to help himself to seconds and then thirds. Billy was fast becoming a constant fixture in our home and I was touched that he was looking out for his best friends' wife; Sue needed a friend right now. Charlie, dads other best friend would stop by from time to time, but he was having trouble with his daughter. Apparently she had run off for three days, had been caught riding motorcycles and now she was grounded, meaning Charlie had to be home in order to keep an eye on her. I sometimes wished she lived on the reservation; she'd give the rumour mill so much gossip that my problems would be all but forgotten.
I remembered Bella. I had seen her on the beach one day flirting with Jacob. I'd been with Sam when we'd bumped into Jacob, Jessica and a few others heading down to the beach. We'd tagged along and met up with some students from Fork's High. I knew that Charlie's daughter was moving back to Washington, he hadn't shut up about it since he'd found out. I had been pleased for him, he sometimes seemed lonely, and I recognised her straight away. I had only met her once before but her eyes were exactly the same shade of brown as her fathers'.
The first time I had met her I was about ten, and I think she was a year or so younger than me. My dad, Charlie and Billy had planned a fishing trip and, because Charlie would have to bring Bella, Billy decided to bring the twins and my dad decided to bring me.
When Billy pulled up at my house, fishing gear in the back, they all piled into my house to have lunch before we set off. But of course me being stubborn I'd put my foot down, claiming that fishing was 'the worst thing in the world. I don't know how you managed to get them' I'd pointed at the three girls eating their sandwiches quietly, 'to go but I'm not.' I'd actually crossed my arms and stamped my foot. My dad had been annoyed but Billy insisted that if I didn't want to go that much then he should let me stay with Sue and Seth.
I remembered Bella as being a shy kind of girl, much more like Rebecca and Rachel. Well actually, mostly Rebecca- Rachel was definitely the more outgoing of the two. It's funny how Rebecca ended up running away with a surfer-well not running away, marrying a surfer- and Rachel had turned into a bookworm. I'd have put money on it being the other way around. Bella didn't strike me as the type to ride motorbikes and run off on a whim, but then she'd been shamelessly flirting with Jacob that day on the beach, maybe she had changed while growing up. Charlie had mentioned that she lived in Phoenix, perhaps living in a big city would do that to a person, I wouldn't know.
"So Leah, have you heard back from Wendy at all?" my mom asked.
"Hmm?" I questioned, snapping out of my thoughts, "Oh, no I'm still waiting. I think I'll give her a call tomorrow."
"Wendy?" Billy asked.
"Leah's old boss at the motel." My mom supplied.
Turning to face me, Billy asked, "Are you getting your old job back?"
"I hope so," I replied politely.
It was nice that Billy showed an interest in us. He would spend most of his time with Sue but could be with Seth for hours sometimes, talking about god knows what. I supposed it was because he understood what we were going through, he'd also lost a loved one- he'd lost Sarah. I swallowed, trying to block the memories of her- she been such a wonderful woman- and the pain I felt whenever Rachel or Rebecca got upset. It was hard to deal with at the time; although I missed her too, I knew nothing of what it was like to lose a parent. Now that I did understand it still didn't make it any easier. At least I was nineteen, if only for a few more days- the twins had been thirteen and Jacob had been nine- I couldn't imagine the pain that brought.
"Well…that's good I suppose." Billy responded.
"Yeah, hopefully they'll have something for me, I don't think many other places are hiring at the moment."
He pondered this for a minute, "Well let me know if you're stuck. I could always ask Charlie to ask around for you in Fork's."
"Thanks Billy." I smiled.
"No problem."
Seth finished his dinner and went to watch TV while the rest of us finished our dinner. I felt better after what Billy had said, Charlie was the police chief, and knew just about everyone in town, he'd definitely be able to help if I needed it.
After dinner Billy went home and I washed up the dishes while my mom joined Seth on the couch. I smiled; it was good to see them spending time together. I could truly appreciate Seth's size as he sat next her, she looked so tiny. Sue was a short woman anyway and Harry hadn't been above average- it made me wonder how they could have tall kids. Seth was probably over six foot now and I was around five foot nine, maybe ten. I didn't know, I hadn't measured myself in years. I knew that guys were meant to stop growing when they reached twenty but I always thought that girls stopped around eighteen. I hadn't. When I finished school I had been around five foot five but here I was, two days away from turning twenty and I hadn't stopped yet. Hopefully I would soon; I didn't want to stand out.
Later, I was reading through an old information pack on Washington State that I'd dug up from under my bed when someone tapped on the door. I quickly stuffed the papers under my mattress before inviting them in.
My mom poked her head round the doorframe, extending her hand towards me, "It's Rachel," she whispered.
"Thanks." I mouthed, taking the phone from her hand. I had only spoken to Rachel once since my dad had died. She'd found out too late to attend the funeral and had phoned to offer her condolences. Rebecca had done the same. I knew her twin couldn't afford the plane tickets to come home, but I suspected Rachel wouldn't have come, even if she'd known. I couldn't blame her- they'd both escaped La Push at the first opportunity, they already associated it with death, she didn't need to come back to be reminded of it.
I sat back down on my bed and held the phone up to my ear, "Rachel," I breathed, excitement coloring my tone, "I haven't spoken to you in ages."
"Yeah… I umm… I'm sorry about that," she said hesitated, "I wanted to give you some time."
I could hear the guilt in her voice.
"Rachel, it's fine. Honestly, I get why."
"You do?"
"Yeah, it must be awkward for you," I reassured. She stayed silent so I continued, "How are you doing anyway?"
"I don't care about me, Leah. How have you been doing?"
"I'm surviving." I said quietly, hoping she wouldn't detect how close I was to tears, and how my voice had cracked.
"Oh Leah." She said softly and I let the first sob out. "I'm so sorry, I should have been there for you when… when… I should have just bloody been there for you!" she laughed in an obvious attempt to cover the fact that she was also crying- over her guilt, over my dad, or over her mom, I wasn't sure.
I managed to get my sobs under control, "You don't need to feel bad, Rachel."
"Yes I do. I should have been there for you. I couldn't believe it when dad told me. Especially after all you've been through."
"Pah!" I exclaimed, "Not to be mean, but it's not like you could have helped with any of it anyway."
"How is the muffin baking bitch from hell?"
"I'm sure she's fine," I said, laughing with her now that my tears had stopped. Rachel always knew how to put a smile on my face, "I haven't seen her since the funeral."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh."
Rachel had been livid when she'd found out about Sam and Emily, possibly more so than me- once I'd gone through the upset stage and straight into anger. Rachel remembered Emily from when she used to come down from Makah to see me. Rachel simply couldn't believe that the sweet girl who'd taught us all to bake had run off with my ex. We were both positive she had been seeing him before we'd split up but of course we had no proof.
Regardless, I still hated Emily. I wasn't quite as vengeful as Rachel was- I used to be. But living in the same small town as someone you hated beyond reason was tough work, like having to dream up comments to make every time you saw them, and I simply didn't have the energy to put up a fight anymore, although I still wouldn't speak to her. Rachel, on the other hand, seemed to have enough hateful energy for the both of us, probably because she lived so far away, never having an outlet for her built up anger.
"So…" she began awkwardly, "have you been up to much?"
I knew she was really asking 'have you left the house at all?' but rather than responded to the implied question I simply answered the one that she'd asked, "Yes actually, but you have to promise to keep it quiet, you're the first person to know." I said lowering my voice, just in case anyone was listening in, which I doubted.
She let out a pealing laugh that made me jump.
"What?"
She giggled, "Sorry, I was making the scouts honour sign with my hand and I realised you wouldn't be able to see it."
I laughed too, stretching back across my bed, "I'm coming to join you." I announced.
Clearly confused she asked, "What?"
"At Washington State. I've decided to go in the Fall like I planned before…well before all the crap."
"Oh."
That was not the response I'd been expecting. Squealing and cheering, yes. A very flat, almost disappointed 'oh', most definitely not. Did she not want me to go? Why would that be? And then I realised; University was her thing, her way out, her new life, obviously La Push and her friends here didn't fit into that.
She noticed my silence and quickly said, "Whatever you're thinking, stop. It has nothing to do with me not wanting you here," could she read my mind now?, "and I think it's great that you're still considering college, I really do."
"Then what is it?" I asked curtly.
"Oh don't be like that, Leah. It's just that I've been taking double courses. I'm going to be graduating this summer. You'll be starting just as I'm ending."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh."
I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I hadn't realised 'til now just how much I was looking forward to not only seeing Rachel again after all this time, but also sharing the experience with her. I was sorely in need of a good friend, any friend actually, and who better than Rachel? A girl who could not only empathise with my pain, but also understand it. Sure, she hadn't been dumped by her boyfriend for her cousin, but although it still horribly painful, losing Sam didn't hold a torch to the pain of permanently losing my father. Rachel knew what it was like to lose a parent and she'd been as close to Sarah and I had been to my dad.
Did I still do it without her there? Did I still want to? Yes, and yes. It was time for me to leave, time for me to move on. I couldn't possibly heal if I stayed here, and I'd never needed anyone to hold my hand through things before, I certainly wasn't going to start now.
"It's ok," I said, fanning my hair behind me, turning most of my bed raven black as it covered my purple bedspread, "I'll just have to find some new friends, much cooler ones."
"Good luck with that cheeky!" she laughed before turning serious, "Do you want the good news?"
"Yes. I'm sorely in need of some good news."
"I'm coming home at the beginning of the summer," I squealed, too excited to contain it, "Don't get too excited. It's only going to be for three weeks, I think. I'm going to talk to Billy about it soon."
I didn't want to make her return a big deal, knowing she'd get nervous, so I snorted, "If you can't reach Billy at your house just try here. He rarely leaves."
"Awww, leave my old man alone," she chided playfully, "How are things in La Push?"
I quickly filled her in on Seth's strange behaviour, making sure to include details about Jacob where I could. I didn't want to worry her but I knew she'd take my concerns more seriously if she was aware her own brother was involved.
"Hmm," she pondered, "I'll have a talk with Billy when I call him next. I bet he knows what's going on, Jake tells him everything."
We continued talking and she wished me a happy birthday for Monday. She was disappointed to hear I wouldn't be celebrating, but even though I'd been feeling a bit more positive these last few days, I really wasn't in the mood for a party, or enjoying myself in general. My mom had protested but she soon caved when she realised how serious I was, she had even taken on a shift at work after I promised her it would be fine. It was the first birthday any of us had had since my dad passed, no one wanted to be home on the day.
After a while we hung up. I was so happy that Rachel was coming to visit. Not only would I finally get to see her, but it would be good for her too- I knew she was trying to hide her demons away on the rez, but she had to face them sooner or later. I also felt better knowing that she was as concerned about Seth and Jacob as I was, despite our parents being blasé about it. I slept well that night, knowing that things were changing, hoping they were for the better.
I woke the next morning, feeling lighter than I had done for a long time. It felt as though the weight of the world, which had been on my shoulders for so long- crushing me- was slowly starting to lift. I knew that I would never be able to escape its burden- my father was never coming back, Sam could not get into a time machine and undo what he did- but now that pieces had started to lift I hoped I might be left with a manageable chunk, like Australia- if we were sticking to the analogy.
I stood up, stretching my muscles, and ran my fingers through my hair, trying to get out the huge knots that had formed overnight. In my haste to get to sleep after my long conversation with Rachel I'd completely forgotten to braid my hair before bed, a big no no when you're hair's as long as mine.
I gave up; deciding that only copious amount of conditioner would do the trick. I showered quickly and dressed. Remembering that I was supposed to phone Wendy I made my way downstairs to get the phone. Only when I got downstairs I realised that I had left the phone in my room. I groaned, turning around to make my way back up stairs something caught my eye out the front window.
I walked over to have a look outside and, to my horror, quickly spotted Seth talking to Sam on the sidewalk. Why was he talking to him? I knew he was mad at Sam, and wanted to defend me- he'd said it countless times before dad died- but I hoped he didn't try anything stupid. Was that why he was bulking up? To take on Sam. Sam was built though-there was no way Seth would be able to fight him.
I readjusted so that I was standing to the right of the window, not wanting to be seen but able to see them, plus I was closer to the door, in case anything did happen. I didn't believe Sam would fight Seth if he was given the choice, but surely he would defend himself?
"…naw, man. It's cool. She should still be asleep." Seth said. He didn't sound angry, in fact he sounded friendly. And was he talking about me? I strained, my ear almost to the glass, trying to listen in to Sam's reply.
"Yeah sorry, Seth. It just wouldn't be good for her to see me talking to you."
He snorted, "You got that right. It's hard not telling her though. I used to share everything with her."
Sam turned abruptly serious, "You know you can't tell her."
Seth sighed, and from my position I could just see his shoulders slump, "Yeah. It's not just that though. The past couple of days she's been asking questions."
"What questions?" Sam demanded.
Couldn't I ask my brother questions now? Who was he to be poking his nose into my business? He'd lost that right long ago.
"Well she keeps wanting to know who I'm out with. I told her about Jacob, Quil and Embry, but it's getting harder not to mention you all the time," Seth tone turned serious. He lowered his voice and I had to move in full view of the window to make out what he was saying, "Sam, if she finds out I've been spending time with you, she's going to flip."
"WHAT?" I cried, forgetting that I wasn't supposed to be here, witnessing this.
How could he? My brother, my own flesh and blood! Wasn't he the one, just a few months ago who I'd had to convince not to punch Sam in the face. My mind-mannered, sweet tempered baby brother had threatened to hit him, just to make me feel better. And now, now he was spending his time with him!
Both their heads snapped up, both looking at me with tortured, guilty expressions.
Seth took a step towards the house.
"DON'T!" I screamed, holding my hands up in the air, "DON'T COME NEAR ME."
I turned and darted up the stairs, pleased that I had managed to keep my gut wrenching sobs inside until I reached my room and slammed the door.
AN: So, what did you think?
I'm hoping to have the next chapter up in a couple of days, it's an eventful one!
