Disclaimer: Don't own DN, didn't happen. Although, if this had indeed happened, it'd be an indication of why Mello hates Near so damn much. And, kiddies… drugs are bad, but crack like this won't hurt you. Much.

Summary: Mello would have been a better friend to Near if only the younger boy had told Mello what the hell 'the wiggles' were. One-shot.


"You say he was talking about 'the wiggles'. Are you sure?"

"Yeah, that's what he kept saying."

"Shit. Where is he now?"

"He's in the interrogation room…that's where I left him…"

"We have to go get him."


The Wiggles, Part Two

By Dale, CAHA

Mello was the first to arrive to the interrogation room, but was shoved out of the way by Rester, who scanned the room with crazed eyes until his sight fell upon the small and battered body of the albino detective lying motionlessly on the ground. Near's body was surrounded by dice and a couple of buttons of his pajama shirt had torn loose during his struggle.

"Near? Near!"

Mello watched silently as Rester dropped to his knees and examined Near all over, as if checking for marks of abuse or any other indication of foul play. The boy's face was slacking, but the glints of fear and pain were still present in his eyes. He had long stopped kicking and shouting, so it was fairly easy for Rester to slip a hand under Near's back and bring the boy to a sitting position. Rester found Near's eyes fixed on his and they all heard the boy whisper to Rester weakly

"Tony…the wiggles…"

Rester gave Near a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and turned to look at Mello, as if he still didn't believe that Mello had nothing to do with Near's collapse; the older man found his nasty look countered by Mello's own 'I-told-you-so' look. The commander returned his attention to Near and spoke to the boy in a soothing voice that was meant to inspire calm in Near.

"Relax, Near…I'm here. We'll get the wiggles out in a second and everything will be alright."

Near tried nodding, but he went rigid when another spasm rocked through him, constricting his throat and wrenching a sob from him. Rester cringed and held Near against his wide chest seeking to shield him from any more pain.

"Help me, Tony."

The difficulty with which Near whispered his call for help rang in Mello's ears unpleasantly and tugged at the heartstrings he tried so hard to ignore. He clenched his fist and forced himself to look at Rester and Near, waiting for a resolution to the boy's problem. But if Mello was affected, the look on Rester's face was a notch above scared shitless. Not wasting any more time, the older blonde gathered Near in his arms bridal style and got up from the ground on which he had been kneeling.

"C'mon, Near. Hold on to me and I'll carry you,"

Near merely nodded and one of Rester's imposing hands glided up to cradle Near's head against his neck and shushed the boy soothingly. Mello dug his nails into his palms the moment he found himself thinking it should be him carrying and comforting Near. After all, weren't they both two of a kind?

The blonde could have shot himself in the foot for just thinking that.

Without further ado, Rester walked out of the interrogation room with Near in his arms and Mello hot on his heels. The blonde didn't dare ask Rester where he was taking Near, so he just followed them past a hallway lined with doors. Rester disappeared behind one of those doors and Mello slipped into the room right after them.

The room turned out to be a bathroom.

"Tony…"

"Shh, don't stress yourself. You know it isn't good for you when you stress like that…" Rester caressed the boy's forehead and swept a pair of sweaty cotton locks away from the boy's face.

Near became more desperate at the sight of the bathroom and tried to squirm in Rester's embrace.

"We're here, Near…it's almost over, relax."

Rester cooed again and Mello approached them slowly. The blonde hesitantly reached out toward Near and took a hold of the boy's hand. It was barely warm and a cold sweat emanated from the soft palm. Mello gave the tiny hand a squeeze, which earned him a look full of unspoken gratitude from Near.

Mello cringed and slowly pulled away from the boy before he could smile at the exchange. Rester stepped closer to the toilet seat and began to pull Near's pajama bottoms past his hips and down his spindly legs.

Mello's eyes threatened to bulge out of his sockets. Why was Rester stripping Near? Petrified on the spot, Mello watched Rester pull down Near's pants down to his knees and set the boy on the toilet seat. With one arm wrapped around the boy's torso and the other hand on Near's cheek, Rester supported the boy on the toilet seat and continued to shush and pacify the distraught albino.

"Shh…you'll be alright in a moment, Near…"

"…Tony…"

"Near, it's alright now…don't fight the wiggles and it'll soon be over."

Near screwed his eyes shut and whimpered loudly before going perfectly still. Two small farting sounds came from the toilet and the boy relaxed and slumped against Rester with a spent expression.

Rester's face relaxed as well as Near's and they exchanged small smiles before Near slipped back into character, hiding once again behind his impassive façade.

"Thank you for your assistance, Commander Rester."

"No problem, Near."

Rester stood up and brushed invisible dirt from his knees and Near stood up shamelessly and pulled up his pants.

Meanwhile, Mello is rooted to the spot, mouth agape and shock dilating his pupils. He ran his hands through his hair desperately, leaving his bangs sticking out in a golden mess. He covered his face with his gloved hands, all the while shaking from head to toe in what was clearly rage.

"Wait a minute… wait a fucking minute…" Mello babbled manically, as if talking to himself. The scenario that had just taken place was too much and he felt the urge to pace around, trying to make sense of everything. It was Rester and Near's turn to remain silent and watch the blonde slowly lose his mind.

They didn't have to wait too long for Mello to explode.

"That was it?! That was what 'the wiggles' were?!"

The blonde was screaming and yanking his hair. His eyes had taken that unmistakable crazy look that only Mello could pull off and his voice was cracking from the volume and the fury tearing up his vocal chords.

Rester remained silent. Near wanted to say something, but then thought better of it and remained silent as well, waiting for Mello to continue throwing his tantrum.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

Silence continued to reign among Rester and Near. Mello continued looking at the older blonde and the young detective, not noticing that Gevanni and Lidner were standing just outside the bathroom witnessing the scene.

"All that drama for gas?! What the hell, Near…you caused that huge scene because you had to fart?! Couldn't you drag your sorry pajama ass to the bathroom yourself?!"

"Mello, Please…" Near interjected calmly, but Mello cut the boy off with a harsh scream.

"No!"

Mello's eyes begin to wander all over the room and snap back and forth in all sorts of demented angles. As he clenched and unclenched his fists, he started to mumble lowly but the pitch of his voice was all wrong; it was a notch above from crazy.

"You had me worried… Fuck, you actually had ME worried…" The blonde continued to rant to himself while pacing. The squeaky sound his boots were making against the shiny linoleum provided an unbearable soundtrack to his fit. Mello snapped his neck in Near's direction and stalked toward the boy with all the intentions of strangling him and inflicting horrible injuries upon him. Rester stepped in between both heirs and warned Mello to stay away from Near in his deadliest voice.

"Refrain yourself, Mello,"

The blonde refused to take shit from Rester and pushed the man backwards in a show of defiance. Before Rester retaliated, Mello exploded once again, this time, Rester being the target. Mello wagged a gloved finger at the older man hysterically, his voice straining with poison.

"Fuck you! I can't believe you condone this absurdity! And you even set him down on the goddamn loo!" The blonde took a deep breath and smacked his forehead in a show of disbelief, " Jesus, you even pulled his pants down for him!"

Near held Rester back from pouncing on Mello. The younger boy knew the man would attempt to tear Mello to shreds if he did not assert his authority. Near knew the fight would have double casualties if it happened, and to be truthful, both men were way too useful to let them hurt themselves stupidly.

"What's next?! You'll wipe his arse and pat his back until he burps?!"

"Stop it, Mello!" Rester could no longer contain his irritation and yelled at the young blonde in frustration. Near stepped in between them, trying to act as mediator, but what he said just managed to piss Mello off even more.

"No, commander, let him speak his mind. Let him say what he wants to say and then he will probably be on his way. I doubt he wants to remain in my presence after what he just witnessed."

"Damn right I don't want to be near you!" The mercurial mafia leader spat. His fingers were itching and only gripping his gun and firing was going to make the itching go away. One more word out of the cotton ball and he'd blast his gassy ass three floors down from hell with a round of bullets. The little prat had actually made him care about his life. Mello felt foolish and every comment out of Near was fuel to the wildfire inside his head that was growing way too fast for him to keep track of.

However, Mello didn't expect to hear laughter or see the other two SPK agents giggling at his tirade. The giggling got progressively worse as Mello started to growl and make all sorts of furious and strangled noises that sounded like a cross between a heart attack and choking on a marble. Mello's eyes were twitching uncontrollably at the sounds of mirth coming from the agents.

"And you two! You just stand there and watch it happen! You're all jerks, all of you! You're all sick!"

It was only a matter of time before the giggling turned into laughter. And it was also a matter of time before the laughter had spread to encompass Rester. However, what made the mocking unbearable was the tiny smirk that cracked Near's poker face.

"Stop laughing! Goddamnit, I said STOP LAUGHING!!"

As if on cue, Gevanni began to cry tears of laughter and doubled over, slapping his thighs. Halle was very close to cackling as she held on to the door of the restroom. Rester was chuckling while looking at Mello straight in the eye and Near sat on the floor at Rester's feet curling his hair with a smile on his face.

"Stop fucking laughing, you sick fucks!! Stop laughing or I'll chip your fucking teeth off with bullets!"

That was the last straw. In the blink of an eye, his shiny revolver was out and waving wildly back and forth between the SPK agents and Near. Not to be outdone, began to laugh too, but that made him the only one laughing. Everyone else had gone quiet, as if actually fearing the consequences of their actions.

"Are you going to stop laughing now?!"

Rester stopped laughing and drew his gun as well, but Gevanni and Lidner resumed their laughter with more strength than before – it was almost like they had stopped to breathe, only to start laughing again. Near was no longer laughing either, but his eyes are shining with the restroom lights, and that glint screamed mirth.

As much as he wanted to shoot everyone until there was nothing left to shoot, something in him reminded that he was free to leave and that he could put this clusterfuck behind him as quickly as he could get on his bike and ride away. He was through with being the butt of their joke, Near's pet, the world's worst victim of circumstance. He was going to hold on to his last particle of sanity and walk away from the object of his hate and the worst American he ever had the disgrace of crossing paths with.

Mello breathed in deeply, ran a hand through his hand, and exhaled slowly. He willed his voice to drop to a relatively normal tone and managed to sound more composed.

"I'm out of here. I can't stand to be around any of you sods…bunch of pedo pandas with badges wiping this pipsqueak's arse. I hope Kira gives you all heartburn or something."

"But Mello, don't you want to know what I have to say to you regarding the information I gathered?" Near offered politely, but Mello knew there was mockery behind his question.

"You sure gathered something, but it wasn't information…" Mello grunted as he tucked his gun back into the front of his pants and patted his bangs down.

"Are you sure you don't want to hear what I have to say?" Near insisted, but Mello didn't take the bait. Looking at Near in the eye, Mello simply replied

"I've heard enough out of you for the rest of my life."

The blonde turned his back on Near and his lot once and for all, and began to count the steps it took him to get away from them as a form of keeping himself from starting a killing spree. His counting got louder as Gevanni began to giggle again, but he did not look back until he had reached the doors of building he had come in through.

The sight of the bike soothed Mello. The blonde jumped on his iron horse, revved it up and burned tire tracks into the pavement as he peeled out of the building.

As he left the building behind him, Mello couldn't stop himself from muttering under his breath

"Fucking Americans…"

(o0o0o0o)

After Mello stormed out of the building, Gevanni stopped laughing and wiped the tears of laughter from his face with his jacket sleeve. Lidner had stopped laughing before him and had resorted to examining her fingernails before walking back to her computer to continue the investigation. Rester bowed his head slightly at Near and took his leave, opting to follow Lidner into the computer station.

Near crawled out of the bathroom and headed toward the interrogation room where he had a pressing engagement with his fallen dice tower. As he neared the room, the white-haired boy whispered to himself

"And I'm the one without a sense of humor."

das ende


Author's Note: So, how's that for crack? huh?

rolls on the floor giggling maniacally It was definitely fun to watch Near squirm and Mello lose his fucking mind over a little fart or two. Anyway, Thank you to all those lovely readers who have reviewed and I hope that those who haven't done it yet do so... it'd be nice, you know.

Chip, lovely, this one's to cheer you up. And readers, this one's obviously for you too.

See you soon, I hope!

-Das Dale