Chapter 2 – New Beginnings (Carlisle)
Having nearly 400 years of personal history behind you tends to help keep everything in perspective. Usually. And yet, it seems like every time Edward comes storming into my office with a crisis that involves Bella, we all, myself included, fly off the handle. Today, I fear, is no exception. And yet, upon reflection, I still don't know that there was any other choice.
I was just finishing up my monthly tracking reports when Edward burst through my office door. While that wasn't the normal way of things, I wasn't instantly alarmed by the nature of his arrival, as he had a flare for the dramatic. Before looking up from my files, I raised my eyebrow in quiet rebuke and offered silently the thought, have you forgotten to knock?
"Edward, son, come in, sit down. I was just wrapping up some paperwork," I said aloud as I gestured to the sofa, and rose to shut the door behind him. In his current state, I was worried that if he attempted it, I would be purchasing a new door for the hospital, as well as scrambling for a suitable explanation.
"Carlisle, we need to go. We need to leave Forks. Immediately. I've been foolish, and I'm afraid I've endangered the family, and I'm worried that if we don't leave soon, it will be difficult to extricate ourselves from here without raising suspicion," Edward said quickly, forceful, but quietly. He sat down heavily on the sofa, and pinched the bridge of his nose with his one hand, resting his other arm on the armrest wearily.
"Son, what has happened? What could possibly have occurred to cause such a change in position from you? We all love Forks, and I know Esme and Rosalie would especially hate to leave it now. Please explain what has transpired." In my head, I thought pointedly, does this have something to do with Bella?
Edward took a deep breath, blew it out, nodded once shortly, and then said quietly, "Bella and I are no longer together. The incident surrounding her birthday has proven too much, and it would seem that she is finally aware of the differences between human and vampire. She has found her sense of self-preservation, and wishes nothing more to do with us. We frighten her, and she has asked us to leave. I think we should honor those wishes."
I sat stunned. I couldn't believe. I couldn't imagine it. From any other human on the planet, this reaction would be anticipated, expected, normal. But our Bella had seen us at our worst, and moved beyond the horrors revealed to her with a quiet grace that I greatly admired. Our Bella had shown us a devotion unparalleled by any other human I'd ever known in my 400 years on this earth. Our Bella was a fighter, and up until this point, had been fighting for us. I simply didn't understand.
"Edward," I found myself almost stuttering, something highly unusual for a 400 year old vampire, "are you certain you understood her correctly? Bella has been our strongest supporter – she fits seamlessly into the family, and we all are as fond of her as can be. Are you certain there is no mistake, no room for reconciliation? She seemed calm after the incident. I just... I just can't imagine what you are saying to be the whole truth of it."
My last sentence was a mistake. I knew it the moment I said it, but it was already on its way out.
"Are you implying that I'm being dishonest, Carlisle?" Edward was almost shouting, and I shot him a look with a silent rebuke, watch your volume and your tone, Edward. We are not at home.
He nodded once, and then continued in an angry, but controlled voice. "I know that you are fond of Bella, but would you let that cloud your judgment to the point that you would doubt me? I have never betrayed your trust on a matter of importance such as this. Your hesitancy leaves us in jeopardy, for she is emotional and afraid, and young girls who are controlled by fear often do desperate things. Please, time is of the essence, I'm afraid." Edward was in part scolding, in part begging me to see the picture before us. I did not want to believe his words.
"I don't mean to doubt you, Edward," I soothed. "You know it brings me no joy. I value your opinion, and I'm sure you have a solid understanding of what has transpired, but it just doesn't seem like our Bella to have such a change of heart so quickly and completely. What did she say exactly?"
Edward winced and looked away. I hated to ask him to relive the moment, but I needed to know so that I might understand. Edward, I'm sorry to ask it, but to uproot the family, to leave Bella behind – it will be devastating. We must be sure, I thought. I hoped my eyes told of my regret as I silently implored him to share his discussion with me.
"You wish to know, Carlisle? I shall tell you then." Edward again took a deep breath and turned away as he began.
"She said that it was something different when she could believe that we were the good vampires, protecting her from the ones who would hurt her. It was easier to overlook the differences between us as we acted human enough, and it had been hard to believe the truth of our claims of danger before her birthday. When Jasper lunged at her, and when I shoved her too hard, the reality of the situation was laid out plain before her. There was no denying the truth. There are no good vampires – our instincts are the same. Just because Jasper's last name is Cullen doesn't mean that he is, at his core, any different than Laurent or another vampire. Just as my strength cannot always be controlled as we had hoped it could – I sent her flying into a glass table! I did not keep her safe. My instincts caused her harm. It wasn't my intent, but it was the reality. It scared her, more than she let on. The more she reflected, the harder it became to see us as equals, and the closer we resembled those of legend. She has greater understanding that not only do we attract danger from others, but we present a danger ourselves. All of this is true and just – I cannot fault her thinking or logic. Can you, Carlisle? Can you honestly disagree with this assessment of us?"
Edward turned to me then, eyes locking on mine. I could tell he wanted me to find a flaw in this argument – that on some level, he hoped that I could see an error in what he had said. The problem was, at its core, the argument was sound. It was not safe for Bella, or any human, to stay too close to us. We were a danger, latent or immediate, to those we came in contact with. We fought it every day, but it was our nature. I suddenly felt every single one of my 400 years.
"Edward," I sighed, as I leaned against my desk and faced him, "I will admit there is truth in what you have laid out before me. We cannot guarantee her safety or deny that our instincts are anything other than dangerous to her, or anyone else who may cross our path in the wrong moment." I sighed, ran my hand over my face, and through my hair, and then crossed my arms in front of me.
"I just struggle with the knowledge that Bella sees us this way. I was hesitant about bringing her so closely into our family at first, but her genuine kindness and understanding made it easy to accept her. It's hard to imagine such a complete change of heart." I truly felt as though I might cry – I couldn't imagine what Edward was feeling at this moment. This must be heartbreaking for you, son. I am so sorry, I thought in a whisper.
"Never underestimate the power of fear," Edward replied seriously. "It causes you to do, to think, unimaginable things." Again, he turned his back on me and stared out the window.
I knew his words were true. I saw wars fought over fear. Relationships destroyed over fear. Cruelty beyond belief handed out because of fear. And yet, I still struggled to imagine our brave little Bella, who stood up to human and vampire alike with fierce intensity, afraid of anything. Especially us.
Heartbroken, I sighed and looked down, asking the next logical question. "Must we leave? Even if she wishes us to stay away, I can't imagine that she would reveal our secrets. She is a good girl, a thoughtful girl – I can't believe she would expose us."
Now I was the one with that look in my eyes – I was begging him to tell me that even if she was afraid, she still held the love and loyalty I had always seen in her. Please Edward, please tell me that she is not truly lost to us, I thought. It will be more than any of us can take, I fear.
Edward sighed, and without turning around said, "I don't think she would speak out of turn, but I cannot be certain. And she is close with the Quileute, without knowing why that is a danger to us. I fear for repercussions that we cannot predict, Carlisle. I am not sure it is wise to stay. Not to mention that she has a father who can make life in Forks difficult for us, and this is not our first offense, in his mind. I think it would be safer for us to depart before it has a chance to get complicated."
Again, I found myself running my hand wearily over my face, and leaving it there for a moment. I hoped it would hide the future I saw before us. Packing in the night, making poor excuses, leaving as the villains we strived so hard against. I hated it. I hated that what Edward said made sense. It was a terrible position to be in. And I simply loathed the idea of leaving my baby girl behind.
For that is what she had become. In some ways, more than any of the others, I saw her as mine and Esme's. With the possible exception of Edward, the others were essentially adults when they were changed, and needed very little in the way of parenting. They humored us for the sake of our cover story, but in their hearts and minds, they were adults and our peers and we respected that. Bella was different. She was content to be doted on by both Esme and me. She seemed to revel in our attentions, and bask at our approval and praise. From her, I felt such a strong love, a childlike admiration, and I truly hoped she would be with our family, fulfilling that role, for eternity. Wife and mate to Edward of course, but also daughter to Esme and me as well. The idea of leaving her beyond was heartbreaking. I almost couldn't breathe for how very much it pained me. And I knew that if I felt this way, Esme would be beyond consoling. It may very well destroy her.
It wasn't a decision I could make on my own. I was desperate to keep her, but also anxious to honor her wishes, however much I might dislike them. I was concerned about the family reaction, and petrified of losing my mate over an innocent girl who had slipped into our hearts while we weren't looking. For once, I didn't know what to do, and so I decided to let democracy decide.
"Let's go home, Edward, and discuss it with the family," I said wearily, gathering my briefcase and coat from my desk. "I understand your concerns and agree with them, but I fear I'm not thinking objectively about this, and would like to hear what the others have to say."
Edward pinched the bridge of his nose again, a sure sign he was frustrated with me. It seemed to me that he almost wanted to leave, but I knew that could not be the case. I would never leave Esme alone, regardless of the circumstances, unattended and unprotected. I was sure he felt the same. The only thing I could fathom was that he had underplayed her sense of urgency, and that her words were driving him to escape Forks in the hopes he could outrun them. I didn't think he would, but I understood the need to try.
We arrived home to find Alice pacing on the steps. I wondered briefly what she had seen, but didn't dwell on it, as she would not hold back her opinions and we would know soon enough.
"Edward, what have you done?" she shrieked, racing at him with breakneck speed, and peppering his chest with a series of punches. "Bella is no longer appearing in my future, and I see the family living a despondent life in New York. What the hell has happened to make that the future I see before me?"
Edward looked startled, yet resigned to Alice's prediction. I saw an emotion I couldn't quite place briefly cross his face – was it relief? That didn't make sense to me, but I definitely couldn't be sure of what I was seeing or thinking at this point. I was officially rattled at the idea of leaving Bella behind.
"Alice, Edward," I began patiently, "let's take this inside and discuss it with the others. We will need to come to a resolution as a family." With that, I trudged up the steps and opened the front door. Esme was waiting for me, and the look on her face could only be described as horror. She hadn't said a word, and yet I suspected that tonight would be one of the longest of my very long life.
"Carlisle," Esme whispered as I made my way into her arms, "what has happened? Is Bella ok?"
It didn't surprise me a bit that her first thought was of Bella. Our little human daughter took up a good bit of both of our thoughts. I didn't really know what to say, so I tucked Esme's head under my chin, pulled her close, and just breathed her in for a minute, steadying myself.
"Edward has some news that affects us all," I said with a sigh. "I think everyone should come down for a family meeting." I spoke at a normal volume, knowing that I would be heard by all. Sure enough, as I stood in the comfort of my Esme's arms, I heard the steps coming downstairs and in from the outside, and felt more than saw everyone move past me into the dining room. Gathering my strength, I pulled apart from my wife, sucked in a deep breath, and entered the dining room, pulling out Esme's seat and then taking my own.
"Edward has some news he wishes to share, and then we have some difficult decisions to make as a family. Before we begin, I would like to ask you all to do your best to remain calm during this discussion, as I am sure we will all be feeling a bit raw, and the last thing I think we want to do is hurt each other. Agreed?" I looked around the table, and saw the silent nods and confused faces. Except for Edward and Alice, who both looked like they were facing the executioner's blade.
"Edward, son, can you update everyone on your evening?" I asked. I'm sorry to make you relive it again, but hopefully this will be the last time, I thought quietly. I got a slight nod, and then Edward began his tale. It was decidedly less dramatic than the version he laid out before me, and I realized that he must have just come from Bella when he burst into my office. The thought brought me great sadness. I also realized that we had immediately moved into family strategy, and I hadn't spent any time discussing his feelings on the matter, or sharing mine. I hoped to remedy that after the meeting tonight.
When he was finished, the room was quiet for a moment. Again, Edward, I'm so very sorry, son, I thought. I'm here if you'd like to discuss your feelings on this once we find a resolution for the family, I offered. Edward glanced at me, frowned, and looked down at the table. I sighed. Getting him to open up was always a challenge.
Emmett was the first to speak, and per usual, he got right to the heart of it. "So either we stay in Forks, and risk making Bella sad or mad, and force a confrontation with the Chief of Police or a pack of werewolves, or we high-tail it out of town and start over somewhere new, knowing that Eddie here is going to be a miserable pain-in-the-ass for awhile. Is that what we're talking about here?"
Edward shot Emmett a look, but then pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Basically, yes. That's the jist of it."
Rosalie spoke next. "Well, it seems obvious then. We leave. We can't risk the safety of this family for Bella, especially when she doesn't even want us to risk ourselves for her. I didn't think it was wise to be so exposed before she came to her senses, but now, it certainly makes no sense. Let's get out of here while we still can!"
It was silent for a minute as everyone processed the painful truth behind Rosalie's words before Jasper spoke. "Edward, brother, you can never know how sorry I am for bringing this to your door." Edward started to interrupt, but Jasper raised a hand to stop him and continued.
"That goes for all of you. My behavior, my lack of control, has caused this, and I do not know how to make amends. Edward, you are talking about leaving your mate, your love, because of something I've done – I am so very sorry. Carlisle, Esme – I know, I feel the way you feel about Bella – it's beautiful and pure. I hate that my actions would take that from you." I inhaled sharply at his words, knowing the truth in them. I heard a small sob escape Esme before her hand came up to cover her mouth. I feared looking at her, knowing the hurt I would see there.
"Alice, my wife, my mate, my life," Jasper continued, nearly sobbing himself, "my actions have robbed you of your best friend, your first real friend, and your sister. I see it as my honor, my duty, to give you only the best in life, and here I have taken something you love so deeply from you. I don't know how to undo what I've done, but I will spend forever trying to make it right. I am so very sorry." His words, and the despair within them, caused Alice to fly out of her seat and into his arms. He clung to her with everything he had, and I realized as I watched them that no one would make it out of this decision unscathed. We would all break from this.
He looked at Alice as he spoke next, but his words were for everyone. "I hate that my actions have caused this, but since it is done, and cannot be undone, I must say that I fear for the safety of our family, of our secret, now that Bella has removed herself from us. I have felt only loyalty and deep love from her in the past, but she is young and naïve, and doesn't know the depths either her father or the Quileute would go to in protecting or avenging her. I think Bella could still be trusted, but I don't think they could. I think Rosalie is correct. I think we should leave." With his vote made, Jasper put his head down, resting his check on the top of Alice's head and closing his eyes.
Silence. No one knew what to say.
"Alice, shall I assume you wish to stay?" I asked cautiously. She was curled up on Jasper's lap, and being unusually quiet.
"I don't know what to do, Carlisle," she whispered softly. "The future I see shows us in New York, without Bella, so it would seem that's what we decide. It just looks so bleak without her." She paused, and then began again. "I can't see her at all. No matter how I manipulate things, Bella's future is blank. I can only hope this means she's decided not to let me see her future anymore – that's the only explanation I can think of. And if that's the case, maybe she does mean to cut us out," Alice finished with a sob. "It's so hard to believe. I just don't believe it, but I don't see it ending any other way!"
Emmett spoke up then, low and seriously. "I can't believe it either. Bella loves us, she loves every single one of us. I don't know what else happened, Edward, but I just can't believe that what happened with Jasper was enough to send her running for the hills. She loves us!" Emmett was insistent. I felt a rush of love for him, seeing how much he loved the little human girl that was his sister. She could have no better big brother than Emmett, and I always thought she knew that and loved him all the more for it. Now I wasn't sure, and it broke my heart to think it, just as I'm sure it broke his.
Edward hopped up from his chair, and paced to the window, facing away from us. He pinched the bridge of his nose yet again, and then explained, "Emmett, I know she loved us. I do. But sometimes that isn't enough. She is right to be afraid of us. She is right to be uncomfortable around us. She is right to want to distance herself from people who hurt her, over and over again. How she forgave what happened in Phoenix, I have no idea, but she shouldn't have. She should have run away then. She's finally come to her senses, and I will not sit there and insist that she stay with us when she doesn't want to, especially not when it's in her best interests. I love her – I will always love her – you know that it's true. I only want what is best for Bella. And I think that we need to leave to give her the peace of mind she needs, and the safety she deserves."
Silence reigned again. I hadn't said much, but there was one person who had said nothing. I turned to look at her, and felt my chest crush at the grief evident on her face.
"Esme," I choked. "Esme, please say something."
She looked at me for a long time, almost as if she was seeing me for the first time. Then she spent some time looking at each of us around the table. I know she saw our grief, I know she felt it, and yet before she even spoke, I knew she was furious with us all for even thinking of walking away. Bella was her baby, too.
Finally, she spoke. "What do you want me to say, Carlisle?" Her voice was even, but flat. I had never heard it like this before, especially not directed at me.
"You've all already decided, haven't you? In fact, I wonder if this discussion was even necessary. It seems as though you and Edward decided before you even walked through the door tonight what was going to happen. Well, I think it's deplorable. She is ours, Carlisle!" Esme was now in hysterics – sobbing invisible tears as she made her point.
"She is our baby, as much as she is Edward's mate! He may have fought for her and lost, but I haven't been given the chance. I want to fight for my baby girl and see her tell me to my face that she doesn't love me. That she wants us to leave. I can't even believe we are having this discussion without her. She should be here, representing herself. Only then will I believe that my Bella could feel this way, say these things. This is all wrong!"
With that, Esme also stood, and made it nearly to the doorway before I caught her. I held her against me tightly. She fought at first, sobbing as she pushed against me, before finally collapsing into my arms, and clinging to me with everything she had. "I don't want to lose her, she's my baby girl," she wailed into my chest. Her pain was eating me alive, and everyone else in the room as well. I looked over at Jasper, and he was doubled over from the effects of Esme's meltdown.
Still holding her and rocking her gently, I turned slightly back to the room and said, "Jasper, go outside. Go for a hunt. Edward, you and Alice go with him. All three of you need some air." They exchanged glances, stood, and exited via the back door. Rosalie and Emmett stayed at the table, awaiting instruction.
"Rosalie, Emmett – can you please head out to the house in Ithaca? We'll start there and see how we go. Pack up two of the cars and go separately. We will follow you as soon as we can make our leave." I whispered the words, hoping to ease the sting of them. It didn't work. Rosalie nodded. Emmett frowned, looked down at the table for a minute, and then looked up and gently said, "Ok, Carlisle. We'll take care of it." With that, they were both off.
I held my wife to my chest another few minutes, letting each of her sobs echo in my heart. I hated this too, but the family was looking to me for guidance, and I had to err on the side of caution. I would never begrudge Edward for bringing Bella into our life, for she was an unexpected ray of sunshine in what had been a somewhat monotonous existence. But the pain of losing her was threatening to destroy the family that had been my greatest comfort for the past century, and of that, I was truly afraid.
I vowed to do everything in my power to keep the family together through these turbulent times. I suspected it would be some time before Esme and I could have a rational conversation about the decision I made tonight, in part because of her anger, and in part because of my guilt. I hoped with time, the pain would ease and our family would be restored. For now, there was much to be done. We were leaving Forks – tonight.
