Kyle and Stan sit in chairs across from principle Victoria's desk.

Mr. Mackey, standing next to Victoria, speaks, "Um'kay, you do know we just had a school meeting about institutionalizing anti butt-hurt not ten minutes ago, right?"

Kyle responds, "Mr. Mackey, we were just making a joke about Eric Cartman; how were we supposed to know someone would over hear us and take offense to it."

Victoria speaks, "Look, boys, newspeak isn't about just changing what you say when other people are around you, it's about subjugating willingly your freedom of speech even when nobody is listening."

"But all we did is make a joke about Cartman being fat. It's not like it's not true," says Stan.

Victoria chimes in, "Of course he is – he's fucking fat as one of those three-wheeled British automobiles. But with all the sleazy lawyers and the superintendant crawling up my ass about maintaining the school peace, they think – I mean I think it's probably a good idea to start clamping down on speech around here. It was, after all, in the fourth grade that Eric Cartman asked Garrison if he'd like to suck his balls."

"So, now we have to police ourselves to acclimate to authoritarian rule?" says Kyle.

"If it's too much trouble. Why?" asks Victoria.

"Kyle then replies, "You do remember the Jews and the National Socialists, AKA: the NAZI's, right?"

"Yes, I studied World War I back in college."

Kyle blinks.

Stan jumps in, "Don't worry, principle Victoria, we'll try our best."

"Good, I'm glad this little confab helped you right your minds. Here are your tardy slips and you are dismissed."

"Thank you," Stan replies, begrudgingly.

They stand up and head out of the principal's office.

Stan immediately says, "Goddamnit! The internet Thought Police have stepped off the liberal holodeck into real life."

"Aside from ourselves and Kenny, who do we trust? Everybody is a snitch – Jesus Christ!" says Kyle.

They stop after hearing a noise and turn around to face a kid with a Christian cross around his neck.

"Oh, fuck," says Stan.

Kyle speaks, "Look, kid, we didn't mean to take our Heavenly father and his son's name in vain. Please, we just came from the principal's office and don't want to go back."

"Its okay – Jesus teaches us to turn the other cheek and forgive," says the kid.

"Thanks, you really helped us dodge a bullet," says Kyle.

They turn around again upon hearing another noise. Officer Barbrady stands before them.

"Oh, shit," says Kyle.

"Wait – were you following us?" asks Stan.

"Your parents did chain me up naked in your basement. You kind of never get over that."

.

Stan and Kyle sit in Victoria's office again, this time with Barbrady behind them.

"Boys, I do have other things to do today other than reprimand you. The next time I'll be forced to give you both three days of detention."

"This Bias-Free Language Guide barely leaves us any room to speak. Are you telling us we'll get punished for talking to ourselves just because somebody that might overhear us might be offended?" asks Stan.

Kyle also adds, "The thing is over a hundred pages; between classes, homework, and other activities, there's no time to read it. Have you even read it?"

"Ahhh, well, no."

"Then how do you know what's in it?" asks Kyle.

"Well, Ima said we'd just have to pass it around first to find out what's in it."

Stan replies, "That's ridiculous, no sane person would chain themselves to rules or laws in advance without knowing and accepting the contents, especially when it chains everybody else. Well, maybe the Pakleds."

Barbrady's beeper goes off, "Oh, no – we got a Code 3862 in progress! Excuse me!" he then runs out of the office.

Victoria replies, "Boys, we're very busy here at South Park Elementary. We don't have time to read voluminous writings. Look, the town's people want us to get things done and work with the other side. We just adopt things, subjugate you unwillingly and hope for the best."

Kyle replies to Victoria, "It's about quality, not quantity. If you brag about cleaning ten toilets but they all still have pee and poop stains all over them and the people have to use them, what good is that? Who in their right mind cares about how many rules you adopted this semester?"

"But … if we didn't adopt things for the hell of it, they town's people would barely need me."

"I think we'll live," says Kyle.

"I'm too important. The voters keep re-electing me."

"No one has run against you. They think it's punishment to work here," says Stan.

"That's irrelevant – I know how to get things done around here. Besides, you're the ones called into this office, not me."

Stan replies, "Riiiggghhht, because this is your office and you're not a student."

"Ugh – stop making sense!" Victoria barks out.

The door to her office flies open. Barbrady shoves Mr. Garrison in first while he is handcuffed. Ima then enters.

Mr. Garrison comments, "Is this really necessary? These handcuffs aren't even comfortable. I don't know why you couldn't just use mine. Well, technically they're Mister Slave's, but-"

"What's the meaning of this, officer?" Victoria asks.

"This man is in violation of Code 3862 in regards to the Bias-Free Language Guide."

Ima points at Garrison, "I formally request that this teacher be relieved of teaching for failure to create a safe learning environment and for violating three sections of the Bias rules."

Victoria says, "Hum, that sounds serious. Tell us what happened, Mr. Garrison."

Ima interjects, "'Mister' is a gender-specific term that is exclusionary."

"Sorry," Victoria says.

Garrison replies, "All I did was say that there aren't any stupid questions, just stupid people. Then I called the kid a retard for not knowing the answer. Nothing I haven't done fifty times before."

"He admits it!" says Ima.

"We need Mr. Garrison to teach. Garrison, I hereby formally reprimand you. Repeated offenses will results in reduced pay," says Victoria.

"Let's see you find someone willing to teach these little bastards. They're reputation precedes them."

Ima quickly speaks, "'Bastards' is a gender-specific term that-"

"Oh, fuck off," Garrison interrupts her.

"I formally request that this teacher be reprimanded again," Ima asks Victoria immediately.

"Very well. Strike two, Garrison."

"Whatever," says Garrison.

Kyle turns to face Ima, "You can't make people think the way you believe. You're in our minds and you hadn't the right."

Ima replies, "Kyle, we're not telling people what to think, we're just showing them how."

Stan comments, "We actually neither need nor want any help with that, thanks."

"You will adapt. You all will adapt. Or you shall be obsolete in the new order," says Ima.

There are a few seconds of silence.

"I never thought I'd say this, but: can we go back to class now?" asks Kyle.

"Well, is that all, Ima?" Victoria asks.

"No."

"Ugh…" Stan grunts in a frustrated way.

Ima continues, "We're half a school day in and look how many offense there have been."

"You have to break a few Humpty dumpty's to make an authoritarian omelet," says Victoria.

"Unacceptable. This school is not conducive to a safe, comfortable, and bias-free learning environment."

"You got the 'learning environment' part right," Mr. Garrison says with heavy sarcasm.

"Sure a lot of seats are old and hard, some rooms are dilapidated, a few kids have died here and there, and testing standards were reduced to allow more genius-challenged students to just barely scrape by like in Florida, but-"

"This school needs a Safe Space," says Ima.

"A what?" Victoria asks.

"A specifically designated area where folks of all walks can go to avoid aggressions and feel safe and only hear good thoughts."

"Why not just close your eyes and stick a finger in each ear while humming?" asks Kyle.

"Passive aggressive attacks are not permitted, per page 38," Ima says to Kyle.

"Well, we don't actually have any free rooms available in the school," says Victoria.

"Then make one small area a designated Safe Space."

"We still have that extra row of lockers put in for future expansion when we tore down miss Chockesondick's classroom after she was murdered."

"Chocke's on what?" asks Ima, shocked.

"Oh, that was her name. We think it's German or something."

"Thank goodness I came here when I did – this school is in desperate need of PC micromanaging," says Ima.

"Very well. From this moment onward from the empty lockers to the back of thye wall, Chokesondick's area will now be known as the school's Safe Space."

Kyle chuckles.

"No," Stan hushes him.

Kyle does it again.

"Save it for later," says Stan.

"Is your friend all right?" Ima asks Stan.

"Yeah, he's just got something in his throat."

"Okay, so unless anybody has anything further to add, you're all dismissed," says Victoria.

"You do realize I'm still handcuffed right? Not that I'm uncomfortable – I'm used to being handcuffed behind my back and pushed around by a man in uniform," says Mr. Garrison.

"I need an adult," says Barbrady.

"Uncuff him. Go back to class, Garrison."

Kyle and Stan make their way out.

"Thank you," and then Ima and the rest leave.

Stan and Kyle look around to make sure nobody can hear them.

"Okay, you know you wanna say it," says Stan.

"Ima's gonna play in miss Chokesondick's area!" says Kyle.

They both snicker.

.

Later that day. Kids move about the halls conversing and changing out books from their lockers. As Stan, Kyle, and Kenny talk to each other, Ima nears with Eric at her side.

"Hey you two folks, gonna come along?" Eric says to them.

"To where?" asks Kyle.

"Ima is getting ready to open up her Safe Area."

"Safe Space, and it is not mine but for all students who feel marginalized and offended."

"Sure, I guess," says Kyle.

"Cool, see you there," says Eric.

Eric and Ima walk away.

"Why are you friends with them? They're so judgmental," says Ima to Eric.

"Oh, man, isn't this usually one of the signs of the apocalypse? Plague, pestilence, Safe Places?" asks Stan.

.

Ima walks down the end of a hall to where the area is; at it Victoria comes to note where it begins.

"May I have your attention, folks?" Ima asks.

People start to turn and face Ima; others notice the turns and growing silence and look as well. Principal Victoria walks down the hall with Barbrady.

Ima speaks again, "In conjunction with the school administration staff, we are proud to announce that South Park Elementary's first ever Safe Space is now open. That's page 277 in your Bias-Free Language Guide. Any person who feels marginalized, offended, and otherwise aggressed upon, can step into this area where any negativity, judgments, and loud noises are not permitted. The rules will be aggressively enforced. Any questions?"

Craig raises a hand.

"Yes, you in the blue. What's your name?" Ima asks.

"Craig."

"What's your question, Craig?"

"Why should we give a fuck?"

"Officer," Ima points at Craig.

Barbrady grabs Craig, "All right, you, come along peacefully; don't make me taze you, bro," dragging Craig away.

"Any other questions?" asks Ima.

Nobody raises their hand.

Victoria speaks, "All right. We'll now cut the ceremonial ribbon," she hands Ima a pair of scissors.

Ima turns to face the ribbon.

Ima stops and blurts out, "What the hell is that?"

"Ah, the ribbon?" Victoria says confused.

"No, that," says Ima, pointing upward at an American flag hanging vertically from the ceiling.

Victoria replies, "Oh, that. That's our 9/11 memorial flag that honors the over three-thousand people who died when radical Islamic terrorists attacked the world Trade Center towers and the Pentagon. It's our way of paying continued respect for all those who lost their lives li-"

Ima cuts her off, "Take it down, now! That flag is a symbol of oppression and a nation of war that's racist and closed-minded against the LGBT community. It had no place in a Safe Space."

"LB what?" asks Kyle.

Eric corrects Kyle, "LGBLT, dug, Kyle – a large bacon, lettuce and tomato."

"Ah, America? You sure you're not thinking about Iran?" Victoria asks Ima.

"I formally request it be taken down now or the matter will be escalated to the superintendant."

"Okay, okay, I'll go find a ladder," Victoria takes off.

Stan asks Eric, "Dude, what do you see in her?"

"Stan, can't two human begins share a bond of mutual affection for one another?"

"Yes, but you're Hellspawn," says Stan.

Ima cuts the ribbon and steps away into the Safe Space. Butters claps, alone.

"Folks, we'll have to make due until principal Victoria returns with that ladder. Would anybody like to join me?"

She's met with dead silence and blinking onlookers.

"Anybody at all?" You're safe in here."

Suddenly people step aside as Timmy drives through the crowd.

"Excellent. Welcome to the Sa-"

She's cut off with a loud smash as Timmy's electric wheelchair slams into the empty lockers, then rubs against them with the front wheels until it pulls to the side and hugs the lockers as the left-side hand rail huts the combination locks on each. WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!

"Timmy!"

"What are you doing?" asks Ima.

Stan runs into the Safe Space and to Timmy, "Sorry about that, he just, you know, does that sometimes – he's mentally challenged.

Kyle calls out, "Wait – does he have to go to the bathroom like last time?"

"Right. Timmy," says Stan to Timmy.

"Timmy!"

"Were you trying to go to the bathroom but hit the wrong direction?"

"Timmy!"

"Oh. He has to go to the bathroom," Stan guides Timmy out of the Safe Space.

"Nobody?" asks Ima.

People go back to what they were doing. Cartman appears out of the dwindling crowd, pushing Tweak.

"Agh!" Tweak comments frustrated.

Eric stops once in.

"Are you sure this student wants to be in here?" Ima asks.

"Trust me," says Eric.

"What's your name?"

"Tweak."

"Welcome to the Safe Space, Tweak."

"Oh, Jesus!" Tweak exclaims.

"No! This is a religion-neutral space free from the judgments and domination of group-think religion; no Jesus. And no unnecessary yelling."

"Oh, God!" Tweak exclaims.

"No!" Ima again corrects.

Eric watches and comments under his breath, "Sweet."