Hamton: So, that was it. We dropped outta college and joined Scarlet on the road.
Fifi: 'E took us to un tavern dans Georgia pour our first, how-you-say, giggle.
We see a picture of Fifi and Hamton playing their instruments at a bar. You can see what appear to be bloodstains on the wall behind them and there are used condoms on the stage.
Hamton: (Musing) Interesting place. Not very family-friendly, though. That was our first paid gig.
Fifi: Ah am glad zat zey appreciate classical musique. (Muses) Perhaps eet was because zey were drunk…
Hamton: I remember that Scarlet also gave us advice on how ta be a good band.
Scarlet is still offscreen in the flashback. Fifi and Hamton are listening to what he is saying in what appears to be a dressing room. We can see the tuba and harp in the background.
Scarlet: (Offscreen) Okay, now I know you're both only young, it's only a year before the pair of you are 20, but here's some advice on how to sustain a band and become legendary. One of you has to die.
The pig and skunkette do a double take.
Scarlet: It's either by bein' shot by an over obsessed fan, alcoholism, drug overdose or some terminal disease.
Hamton: (Beat) Uh… there's just a small problem with that, Mr Jersey. We're toons. We can't die.
Scarlet: (Under his breath) Bollocks! (To Fifi and Hamton) Well, you two had better hope that nobody brings any dip with 'em to your concerts. Though, I suppose if you killed them first…
The pig and skunkette shudder.
Fifi: (Reproachfully) Zat eez illegal, Monsieur.
Scarlet: Look, the two of you are gonna be household names, you can violate all the rules under the sun! Besides, you're gonna have some fans that'll be pretty damn creepy.
Narrator: So now, Des Porcs et des Mouffettes were paranoid about being dipped. However, this didn't last long once they started drinking the FAME. We are shown a photograph of Hamton and Fifi looking incredibly intoxicated in their trailer. They appear to be laughing at something. There are several spilt beer bottles lying on the floor around them. It wasn't long before Scarlet had them touring the world!
We cut back to the interview.
Hamton: I'll tell ya one country that liked us: Switzerland!
We cut to the flashback. Hamton and Fifi are playing a polka tune on their instruments and swaying to the beat. They are on a stage with a snowy mountain in the background and sheep are wandering about. A man wearing lederhosen is standing at the forefront of the stage. He is singing a song.
German Singer: (Sings) Listen to die Schweine, who toots der Tuba, listen to die Stinktier, who plucks der Harp. It sure as Hell makes uz horny to hear der prickelnde Strings und die parp hören!
He begins to yodel rather badly, which causes Fifi and Hamton to cringe and stop playing. The crowd begins to boo and the singer is hit by an accordian, a bass drum, a sousaphone and an alpenhorn. We cut back to the interview.
Fifi: Zat man. She shudders. Oooh, `e ruined our musique! (To Hamton) Zat was our worst tour, mon conniechon!
Hamton: (To Fifi) I didn't mean they liked us music-wise, Bebe.
We are given another flashback. Hamton and Fifi are walking through the Swiss streets. Suddenly, they are approached by a lederhosen wearing man with his wife.
Man: (To Hamton and Fifi) Hallo, Tuba spielen Schwein und Harfenspiel Stinktier. Vould you like to join our Fucken Session?
Fifi and Hamton look at each other and shrug. The camera cuts to a door which has a sign saying: Die Fucken Roomen. We can hear erotic moaning and the occasional yodelling. We cut back to the interview. Hamton and Fifi are smiling as they remember. Then, they blush as they look at the camera. Fifi decides to change the subject.
Fifi: Ve learned to play each other's instruments during our European tour. When my Hammy got un mal de gorge while we were in L'Espagne, ah played ze tuba pour 'im while 'e played ma harp.
We cut to a flashback. Hamton and Fifi are on a stage with a Spanish flag on the wall. They are wearing flamenco outfits: Hamton's is all black while Fifi's is a flaring red dress. Hamton plays the harp while Fifi plays the tuba. Roses can be seen flying onto the stage from offscreen. They are playing an upbeat Spanish song. We cut back to the interview.
Hamton: (To Fifi) I didn't know you could play the tuba.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Well, ah 'ad un lot of practice avec tu!
Hamton: (Confused) Did you? Fifi giggles and winks. (In embarrassed realisation) Oh, right…
The flashback shows Hamton completely naked sitting on an armchair in their trailer. Fifi, who is also completely naked, is kneeling down in front of the pig with her back to the camera. Her head is bobbing up and down. Hamton is stroking his girlfriend's hair with an extremely obvious look of dazed pleasure. Fifi is moaning with enjoyment.
Hamton: (Erotically) Oh, yeah. Ohhhhhhh, FUCK YEAH! Eat me, Fifi, you dirty skunk! Eat my large sausage!
Abruptly, he looks at the camera. A look of outrage crosses his face.
Hamton: (To the camera) WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?! GET THE FUCK OUT!
Fifi turns to look at the camera, her face just as baleful as her boyfriend's. There appears to be semen dripping from her lips. Hamton angrily flips the bird at the camera.
Fifi: (To the camera) Va te faire foutre!
The camera cuts back to the interview.
Fifi: (To Hamton) Ze tuba reminds moi of tu…et your pighood. (To the camera) Ah always get a bit, how-you-say, on turned as un result.
Hamton: (To the camera) So THAT'S why she got wet during the performance! (To Fifi) Good job you were wearing a dress.
Narrator: I guess you could say thatit made her… HORNY!
We hear a cricket chirping as Fifi and Hamton look visibly unimpressed.
Narrator: Let's go to another distraction, I mean, flashback!
The camera cuts to a flashback of Fifi and Hamton playing their instruments on a stage. The background behind the stage says CREAMFIELDS on it.
Narrator: Des Porcs et des Mouffettes made their debut in Britain as part of the summer music festival: Creamfields. They played after Fatboy Slim. During their time at the festival, they had a slight misinterpretation on why the event was called Creamfields…
The camera cuts to a stage with the curtains closed. Fifi is on her hands and knees while Hamton plows her. We can hear them moaning erotically. Suddenly, a stagehand comes into view, looking at a clipboard.
Stagehand: Okay, Fatboy Slim's finished; the two of you had better get… He looks up from his clipboard and reacts in horror. HOLY CRAP!
Fifi and Hamton casually halt their lovemaking to look at him.
Hamton: (Defensively) What? This is perfectly natural behaviour for toons when they love each other very much!
Stagehand: NOT ON A STAGE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIELD!
Fifi: Ah thought zis is vat we do! We are, how you say, creaming ourselves dans un field!
Stagehand: It just isn't natural… He eyes them suspiciously. Are you two…drunk?
H&F: Uhhh… no? We can see them pushing empty bottles of FAME away.
Stagehand: (Sighs) Look, I couldn't give a flying fuck what you two want to do, but I highly recommend that you don't engage in sexual activity before you're supposed to go ON STAGE! Especially since a pig's orgasm lasts for half-an-hour.
Hamton: (Astonished) How d'you know that?
Stagehand: (Frustrated) It doesn't matter, just get your instruments!
Fifi and Hamton reluctantly do so. They begrudgingly get out of their sexual positions and collect their tuba and harp respectively.
Hamton: (Grumbling, as he passes the Stagehand) Goddamn cockblock…
They walk out onto the stage and the crowd cheers for them. They are about to play when Hamton blows into his mouthpiece. No sound comes out of the tuba.
Hamton: (In frustration) Ben Zonah! (To Fifi) My tuba's blocked!
Fifi: Give eet un trés big blow, zen!
Hamton: Ya don't blow, ya buzz!
Fifi: (To the camera) Oh… zat eez why ah got wet!
Hamton takes a deep breath and blows into the mouthpiece. With a loud BWART, a shoe flies out of the bell like a rocket. The camera cuts to a One Direction concert. The caption "Scotland" briefly appears. Harry Styles is about to sing when the same shoe hits him in the crotch. He doubles up in pain.
Narrator: It turned out Des Porcs et des Mouffettes were the ones who threw that boot at Styles…which made them all the more awesome.
The camera cuts to the entrance to a huge mansion which is coloured purple, pink and blue, making it look rather psychedelic. The mansion overlooks the sea.
Narrator: The European tour was a great success, and Des Porcs et des Mouffettes earned $10,000,000 in American currency. They moved out of Acme Acres to sunny Los Angeles, into their newly built mansion.
The camera cuts to the interview.
Hamton: Mr Jersey said we should've lived in London, but…it rains all the time.
Fifi: Besides, where ve live eez where ALL of ze stars live!
We are shown a series of photographs of Fifi and Hamton with Neil Patrick Harris and Jason Segal, Pharrell Williams and Britney Spears.
Narrator: Yes, Fifi and Hamton were unique in that they were the only animals who were in a band…we're not counting that dog from the Archies. They made quite a lot of friends with celebrities…part of this was due to the fact that they were high, very high.
We are shown a photograph of Fifi and Hamton smoking what appears to be joints in what appears to be the enormous bedroom of their mansion. Their eyes are incredibly bloodshot, and their faces look slightly wrinkled.
Narrator: Speaking of being high, they took to drugs as well, because Mr Jersey told them that all the celebrities did it. Thanks to our Acme Eavesdropping Camera, we were able to film their first drug dosage.
The photograph comes to life. We see Hamton blow smoke out of his snout after smoking his joint before looking at Fifi.
Hamton: (Slurred) Hey, Fay, Hifi, I mean, Hey, Fifi.
Fifi: (Slurred) Qu-Quoi?
Hamton: H-Have you met Archibald, my pet griffin who farts rainbows an' vomits cotton candy?
Fifi: Non, ah, ah 'ave not.
Hamton: Ya will now, he's over there. He points offscreen. The camera moves in the direction where he's pointing…to show that there's nothing there. The camera cuts back to the drugged pair. (To Fifi) Would ya like ta ride him with me?
Fifi: Non… She pulls his pants down and sits on the pig's crotch. Mais ah would like to ride tu! She smokes her joint and rises a bit on Hamton's erection.
Hamton: FUCK YEAH!
Fifi begins to bounce on Hamton's erection, as he strokes her hair with his hand. She wraps her tail around his head and strokes his ears with it. They both moan erotically as Fifi gets wet on Hamton. The camera moves abruptly to face the carpet.
Narrator: Unfortunately, the cameraman got turned on by their behaviour.
We see several photographs of the pig and skunkette having sex in several different positions. Hamton is fucking Fifi over the coffee table, and then he's fingering her while she lies on her back below him. We can see her hand clamped around his penis. They are both playing Twister. Another photo shows us that Hamton is blowing his tuba, which causes Fifi to cum.
Narrator: Despite this, he was still able to take these pictures…
We cut to the interview. Fifi and Hamton look aghast at the photographs.
Hamton: (Shocked) HOW THE FUCK DID YA TAKE THOSE?!
Narrator: Which we leaked to a Porn magazine.
H&F: (Horror-struck) WHAT?!
Fifi: (Suddenly calm) Well, zat eez probably why zose trés strange men kept playing zose instruments around moi when ah went out…
We are given a flashback of Fifi walking out of a beauty salon. Suddenly, she is ambushed by a group of nerdy young men, who immediately begin playing brass instruments. The skunkette's skirt is blown upwards, but she does not get wet. Instead, she reacts in shock, which quickly turns to fury.
Fifi: (Furiously) Bâtards!
She storms off. The nerds watch her go with confusion.
Nerd 1: (Confused) She didn't cum! She always cums when the pig plays it!
Suddenly, the Fat Nerd from the Please, Please, Pleese Get a Life Foundation walks into the scene.
Fat Nerd: (To Nerd 1) The reason the skunkette did not involuntarily release any vaginal fluid is because she is turned on by a tuba, which is what the pig plays. You were playing a sousaphone, a tuba which is typically used in marching bands.
Nerd 1: (Beat)So technically, it's a tuba.
Fat Nerd: NO!
Suddenly, Baloney the Dinosaur appears from nowhere.
Baloney: (Chuckles) Back to the Virgin Asylum!
The nerds all scream as the orange and blue dinosaur grabs them and vanishes into thin air.
Narrator: Well, much to the sorrow of several losers, it wasn't long before Hamton and Fifi tied the knot. Who can forget the day when Hamton proposed to Fifi during their concert at Iraq?
We are shown a picture of Hamton down on one knee in front of Fifi, placing what appears to be an extremely expensive golden ring on her finger. We can see bullets flying past their heads.
Narrator: It was an extremely happy day for the world of celebrities, and, judging by how often they screwed their brains out, it seemed like Des Porcs et des Mouffettes was going to become the One and Only Genuine Original Family Band. Once Scarlet found out the news, he gave Fifi and Hamton some advice regarding their married life.
Scarlet is still offscreen in the flashback. Fifi and Hamton are listening to what he is saying in what appears to be a dressing room. We can see the engagement ring on Fifi's finger.
Scarlet: So, you're engaged. Congratulations, I suppose. I recommend you have a divorce in about two and a half years.
The pig and skunkette look shocked by this advice.
Scarlet: (Firmly) Look, it's for your own good. If you two spend the rest of your lives as a married couple and raising ankle-biters, your music career will be ruined! You won't be able to practice or perform at gigs because your brats need attention! You'll ruin me! (Calms down) Now don't worry, I had a plan in case somethin' like this should happen: once you divorce each other, your music duo will break up, you'll have solo careers an' then I'll organise a reunion concert which is to pay for your alimony under the façade of sentimentality!
Hamton: M-Mr Jersey, with all due respect, Fifi an' I have been planning our married life for years!
Scarlet: An' I wanted to get into Emma Watson's pants, but we can't all have our way!
Fifi: (Boldly) Monsieur, ah will not let ma musique stand in ze way of love!
Hamton: Y-Yeah! I'm sure we'll still be able ta sustain our career while bein' married!
A hand offers them two bottles of FAME.
Scarlet: (Offering) Here, have some FAME. You've obviously not been drinking it.
Fifi and Hamton begrudgingly take the bottles and each have a swig. Almost as soon as they have a drink, their suspicion evaporates.
Hamton: (Drunkenly) Divorce in two an' a half years? Got it!
Fifi: (Drunkenly) Marriage eez, how-you-say, overrated, anyway!
We cut to a casino in what appears to be Las Vegas. It is sunset. Then, the camera cuts to the interior of the building, where we can see Hamton and Fifi stood at a poorly built altar. Kanye West appears to be the priest. The camera roves through the celebrities in the crowd. Examples of celebrities are a gurning and completely naked Miley Cyrus to a bald Britney Spears.
Narrator: Scarlet also told Fifi and Hamton that they could not invite any of their friends or family members to their wedding. Instead, the guests would be celebrities who became famous through either traditional means, YouTube and in some cases… The camera cuts to Kim Kardashian. Sucking someone off on video.
We cut back to the altar. Looking closely at the pig and skunkette, we can see that they don't look very fit to be at a wedding. Their eyes are bloodshot and they appear to have wrinkles. They have been drinking FAME prior to the ceremony.
Kanye: Yo, yo, yo!
A confused atonal instrumental rap track begins to play as Kanye begins the wedding.
Kanye: (Raps, to Hamton) Hamton J Pig, I hear yo' dick is big, it's like a trunk, man, not a twig! Yo' gon' use it when ya hitch, ya take dis girl ta be yo' bitch?
Hamton: (Drunkenly) I guess so, I've been fuckin' her for…ever!
Kanye: (Raps, to Fifi) Fifi La Fume, yo' pretty good in a room, I can see yo' a skunk, so ya like the taste 'o' spunk, well, this boy gon' make you cream, yo' gon' be on his team?
Fifi: (Drunkenly) Oui, oui, just marry us. Your lyrics 'ave turned on moi et ah want to fuck!
Kanye: (Raps) Hey y'all, they got hitched, they're on the hooky! Buy my Yeezus album while I go fuck Snooki!
The camera cuts to a corner of the casino as the crowd cheers. We hear Scarlet's voice.
Scarlet: "They're on the hooky?" What the bloody hell does that mean? (Shouts, to the crowd) OI! We're sellin' the "Des Porcs et des Mouffettes Wedding Rap" in the foyer for $45!
