The Battle Within
Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.
Author's note: For this part of the missing chapter Leo is still very much insane it is just he has reached a quieter spot within his mind. He is still very much locked up in himself though it may not show. BIG NEWS for The Perfect Son fans out there I have started to write the sequel ' My Brother's Keeper' However my views of sequels remain if the story does not seem to be just as good if not better than the original you will NEVER see it. Don't bother griping about it either quality before quantity you would not want to see a sequel if it was garbage now would you? I actually have more of a plot for Brother then I did for Perfect so we will see what happens.
Part 3 – Interlude
I lay where I had landed stunned and still. It slowly dawned on me that there was silence so much so that it was almost deafening in the aftermath of what I had passed through. My arms and legs ached in protest as I rolled over and to a sitting position and then I saw him.
He was sitting no more than ten feet away from me his back towards me. There was what I presumed to be a mask much like Don's, Raph's and Mike's mask around his head and two swords strapped to his back. I knew somehow that he was yet another version of myself and I had to wonder how many versions of me were in this strange place.
He turned to face me his eyes narrowing slightly behind his mask. I scrambled to my feet feeling uneasy under his intent gaze wondering if I ought to get out before he attacked me because I really couldn't be sure what my chances would be against him there was something dangerous about him. I sensed that much.
" Sit down I won't hurt you," he said as if he had picked up my thoughts. " I can you know it is very easy to do with YOU. I can also do it with my brothers from time to time but you are especially easy to pick up on."
": Your brothers?"
" Yes, Don, Raph and Mike" he replied.
Ah now I understood the ones who had claimed to be my brothers had actually been looking for him. I had known all along I wasn't the one they were looking for and that there was no way that I could be who they kept claiming me to be.
" You are though."
" Because you are me," I guessed.
" No," He laughed " You've got that wrong. You are a part of me. You came to be when I chose not to leave here."
" Where is here?" I asked hoping he would know.
" Mmmhmm, Not quite sure about that. It is a peaceful spot and it is safe at any rate. Far safer than what lies beyond here and if you were to leave here I wouldn't lay odds on your chances of finding your way back to this spot if you felt the need to return that is."
I thought about what he had said this place was very peaceful, very restful and I felt an overwhelming desire to stay right there so I can't say I blamed him for deciding to stay here. Still there was something that kept bugging me " I got to go back Christine might be worried about me."
" Christine? I don't know any Christine," He snapped suddenly as he watched me out of suspicious eyes.
" She saved my life. She is my friend I think she is the only friend that I have really."
" There is Splinter and our brothers" he corrected me.
" I don't know about Splinter. I haven't met him and there is something I was told about him can't seem to think about it right now but I have met the others. I get along okay with Mike but the other two I'm not too sure about them all Raph seems to do is to tell me to fight and that is all he seems to want from me as well and I can't figure Don out."
" That is normal. Raph loves to fight even with me. I swear we can't go a single day without fighting. As for Don even I have problems figuring him out or understanding him so don't feel so bad. Come on sit down will you. It is nice to be able to talk with someone for a change."
I wondered how safe I was at taking him up on that idea and then I realized that I was probably safer with him then anywhere else in this strange place I had found myself in. So I sat down in a cross legged position across from him " Do you know what those things out there are?" I asked him.
He gave a small faint smile " They are shadows of the warrior."
I didn't understand what he meant by that comment. " I suppose if there was a way out of here you would have found out about it by now" suddenly realizing that I might be stuck in this forsaken miserable place. Then again this place right here wasn't so bad it was fairly nice and I could grow use to this place.
"Being here isn't so bad you know. I mean there is no one here to make demands of us, there is no one to hurt us here." He commented.
I nodded he definitely had a point " No doubts, no responsibilities" I added.
" No need to be perfect" he concluded with a happy sigh.
" I don't care I still have to find a way back" I declared.
" How you don't even know if you can go back," he reminded me.
" I have to go back Christine is my friend she might need me."
He arched an eye ridge at me " Problem is everyone NEEDS us. That is why I don't get a moment to myself to be ME. Besides you are stuck here just as I am and the only way out is for both of us to work together which means we both need to WANT to get out of here and since I don't see the need in leaving you will have to convince me that it is worth my while" his tone was serious.
" You don't want to cooperate with me then."
" More then that I don't want you as a part of me."
I tried to figure that cryptic remark out. He had said before I was a part of him created when he couldn't or wouldn't leave this place. Then I realized all of it. He was the warrior, the ninja. He held all the memories and skills connected with fighting and that is why I didn't remember anything about that sort of stuff even with all of my brother's reminders. I had came to be when the Foot had left him to die in the garbage dumpster. In fact one might say that he had died at that point but it had been a spiritual death more than a physical one and since his body lived on somehow…I'm not sure how I came to be.
" You have got it right. You are all that was left of the spirit that couldn't live on. You are my other side, the side I usually don't show to others because I have to be in the role of the perfect son or the responsible leader. I don't get much chance to be just me. Since you were created from me you respond to my own fears and uncertainties."
" So my doubts of failing of being perfect are actually yours then."
"'Fraid so," he admitted, " I can't be what they want I failed them. I dishonored my clan so to return honor I must die."
" That is just giving up. You can't fail as long as you try" I retorted sharply.
" Try? Ha that is almost funny. I have tried all my life and guess what I still failed or I wouldn't be here now."
" There is nothing wrong in trying but there is in giving up and that is where you have failed. It is probably the only time you ever have failed"
" You don't know me very well." He said.
" I probably know you better than you know yourself even" I insisted.
" I can't deny that" he agreed simply " though Splinter knows me. I trust him fully."
" I don't know him and I don't trust him either."
" You believe he had us living a lie?" he snapped glaring at me.
" I don't know about that. I just don't really know HIM. Mike and Raph said he died. They said once that had he been alive he might have been able to help bring back my memories."
" DIED?! Splinter couldn't be dead" he looked at me as if trying to figure out weather I was joking or telling the truth.
" That is what they told me. Raph also told me I had a duty to my family and should be more responsible and…"
" Raph said WHAT?! Are you sure we are talking about the same Raphael here?" he was staring at me in total disbelief.
" I had the feeling at the time that it was some sort of family joke Mike and Don seemed to think it was pretty hilarious at any rate." I shrugged.
" Raph said THAT…" he shook his head.
I sighed the longer I stayed here the more I felt like I just ought to stay here. Why should I leave? This place was peaceful, quiet I could easily see me spending a great deal of my time here and even as I though this I knew also that I had to get back. Getting back may not be easy especially since I had to first convince my warrior side to join me and I had a feeling he wasn't going to make it easy for me to do so. I also knew that he was not going to respond to the family needing him.
" Got that right!" he grinned at me.
I scowled if he kept picking up my thoughts it would be extremely difficult to convince him.
" You're right again. I'll just guard against whatever you plan to do. So you might as well admit that you are stuck here now because I DON'T want to go back."
" You would lose more honor in staying here than you would in going back" I challenged him.
" Nice try not going to work. Tell you what I haven't sparred in ages we'll fight whoever wins gets to decide. Best two out of three" he offered cheerfully.
" Right only I don't fight. You are the warrior not me. I am a pacifist so we are not going that route" I snapped knowing easily who would win his challenge.
" You realize that no matter what one of us won't be leaving here so I don't know WHY you insist on getting me to help you."
I puzzled over that remark. Luckily at least in this spot I could gather my thoughts. If we both had to cooperate we both had to leave together, so how could one of us end up staying behind?
" I don't care much for riddles," I muttered.
" Really I learned the best from Splinter when he gave out riddles." He stated.
I then thought of something he had said earlier. He had said he was a part of me and he also mentioned not wanting me as a part of him. The answer to his riddle had to be that the two of us would somehow have to join as one yet again.
" Just because you found the answer doesn't mean I'm going to help you," he cautioned.
I wished that he wouldn't do this at any rate he had at least confirmed what I had needed to know.
" Why don't you want to leave here?" I asked him.
" Why do you WANT to leave here?" he countered in response.
" I'm needed."
" Needed, demanded, and ordered. Here at least I have some peace of mind" he sighed wearily " Besides I can't be what they want me to be. I can't be perfect. I fail and when I fail I end up failing everything that is expected of me. I cannot be a leader when I know in my heart that sooner or later I will lead all of my brothers to their death. I cannot live up to what they want of me. I am not perfect and I can't deal with all the responsibility they out onto me. I can't do it I have lost all honor in trying. I have disgraced my family and my clan and you expect me to return in disgrace? No I can't and I won't."
Even as he said those words I felt a part of me respond to them and a small part of myself whispered that he was right no one would really miss us if we decided to stay here. We wouldn't be bothered by anyone they couldn't reach us here.
" Christine isn't like that, she is my friend," I declared firmly.
" What made her your friend?" He inquired.
" I don't really know. She saved my life for one and she is always willing to talk or just listen if I need to talk she never seemed to want anything from me that I wasn't willing to give."
" NEVER not even once?" he demanded scorn in his voice.
" Well there was once but I wasn't too sure of what she wanted at that point. She kept asking me questions really quickly and kept telling me that I had it wrong."
" I thought as much," he growled darkly.
" When the Foot came though she was going to protect me she stood between me and them and told them to leave me alone. She didn't want them taking or hurting me so I knew her intentions were not what they had been before. I don't know why she put me through that interrogation but I do know she didn't want the Foot anywhere near me. Look you say you trust Splinter yet he was the one who bound you with those chains of responsibility in the first place. You just wanted to please him and you ended up tying the chains tighter around yourself by doing so."
He turned giving me a vicious dark stony stare, his body tensed and a sneer crossed his lips and for once I heard his thoughts He is the Master. Our Father. He did what he had to, to protect us. Speak with respect humility and honor when you speak of him.
" You can trust him then and I will continue to trust Christine" I replied to his unvoiced thoughts.
" She is only HUMAN" he remarked cynically.
" So what of it? At least she has more courage than some turtles I know. Some warrior you are!"
" If you think for one moment that is going to make me cooperate it won't work," He remarked turning away from me as if to dismiss me.
I had to think of something but I had no idea what could motivate a warrior who felt he had no honor and was a disgrace to those that he loved.
He turned back " I'm still willing to spar."
" Only because you know you would win that isn't very sporting now is it? Which means will both end up staying here."
' Come on face it. YOU want to stay here just as much as I do because you know it isn't all that bad."
" All right I could stay here and I want to stay here" I admitted " But I also feel like I should be elsewhere."
" You mean with your friend Christine? What does she do for a living anyways?"
" She is a veterinarian," I answered.
" Oh, I get it must have figured you were some dumb animal must have been a shock to her when you first talked."
" I don't know if she ever consider me as a dumb animal. Quite possibly at first she had but what I do know is she never treated me any less than human. She gave me choices and the freedom to choose what I wanted even when I didn't know who I was and even when she brought Raph and Mike to her apartment that first night she gave me a choice on if I wanted to see them."
" A choice really?" his tone was shocked as if he didn't believe it or as if he himself was not use to having people give him a choice in anything.
' Yeah really. I think if I said no she wouldn't have pushed me into it. There were some things that I really didn't want to do like visiting the lair or seeing the others practice and she would just point out all the reasons why it wouldn't hurt to do that and then basically leave it up to me. It was as if she wanted me to see all sides of the argument good and bad and then let me decide what I wanted. You know I don't even think I watched all of that practice session and I asked her later if she was upset by it she told me no that I had at least watched some of it kept an open mind and that fighting obviously wasn't my thing and it was so good that I really knew myself so well when I had amnesia at the same time. She knows no one perfect and doesn't expect them to be. She is the one who told me as long as you try you can't fail."
He snorted " Nice sentiment. Pity it isn't true. You SURE you don't want to fight? I haven't been able to spar with anyone for ages and katas tend to get a little boring after a while and meditation can only take up so much of my time here."
" If you are so bored why not get out of here I mean I'm sure you'll find some one to spar or fight with out there." I offered.
" I didn't say I was THAT bored. You're going have to try harder you know" he answered casually.
" Looks like Quan was right when he said you were dishonorable."
" I don't know any Quan. Another friend of yours perhaps?"
" You do know Quan and I assure you he isn't a friend. He was the one who left you to die in the dumpster. He is the Foot soldier who wielded the katana with such skill and accuracy you were forced to focus on him. He is I assume the leader of your enemies the Foot. He told me you failed him in his battle with you and that I had failed him a second time by refusing to fight showing him no honor by doing so. He said when I regained my honor we would fight again and he would prove once and for all that I was NOTHING but a failure."
Something in his body posture changed suddenly and next thing I knew he was gone as if he never existed. I felt a strange coldness enter my body. I felt like I was seeing out of two different pairs of eyes. Felt like my being was being submerged forced down and back as something else took over.
There was a strange ringing in my ears and I felt my senses come alive in a way I never felt before and a rush of memories of fighting and I knew then the Warrior was in me or I was in him I'm not sure which but I did know we were one and that he had suddenly changed his mind he wanted to go back now too. But I had no idea what had brought on this change in him.
" A Foot Soldier CHALLENGES me? He leaves me to die in rubbish after overwhelming ME with a number of his clan at his side and then he has the audacity to say I have no honor."
So that is it YOU want to challenge HIM?
" Yes, one on one then we will see who has honor," he hissed.
So any idea on how we get back so you can challenge him to regain honor?
" Listen very carefully. Can't you hear it? I have heard it all along for some time now but I don't know who it is. I suppose it is your friend Christine who you trust so much and now that we are together I think I understand that trust."
I listened and I could hear very faintly as if coming from a great distance a voice " Leo… Leo please come back don't stay lost to those who love you something can be worked out."
Just hearing her voice faint, as it was seemed to pull me towards here. A path was formed between her and me and nothing could intrude between me and where I needed to be.
Her gentle voice was my guide and I followed it feeling as if I was swimming up stream against a powerful current that kept trying to grab me and pull me back. It didn't want to release me and I didn't want to give in to it not that I now had a way out of here.
I didn't stop fighting until I felt the cold of a hard concrete floor seeping into my body under me. Christine's warm body half slumped over me. My head pillowed in her lap and as I took it all in my mind raced with recent images. Things that I knew happened and yet hadn't happened to me I stored them all away to look at later in my own time. I knew there were more important things to care for first. I felt tired and worn out and yet at the same time I was greatly looking forward to breaking free.
I almost laughed at one of the last images of me cowering before the Foot. When had I EVER cowered to anyone? Never mind to my enemies.
I knew who I was now. I was Leonardo, the katanas were my weapon and I was hoping to appropriate some REAL soon and that I like my brothers was a Ninja Turtle.
Part 4- Dilemma
I opened my eyes trembling and shaking my body covered in a cold sweat and feeling a little ill from the memories, which I had allowed free during my meditation. I glanced at the clock on the wall and realized that it wouldn't be much longer and the others would be getting up for morning session. Raph I knew would already be awake he preferred to rest a bit in his room allowing himself to fully come awake before getting mobile.
I had only returned to answer the challenge of my enemy. I had not wanted anything to do with my family and I would have thought that family would have been the first thing I would respond to.
Then there was Christine, I did not trust humans easily I saw them as a threat to our livelihood after all at any given time any one of our friends could use us for their own needs. Turn us in for money or what have you and it was very hard to trust when you knew the threat every man has his price. One day perhaps one of our human friends could be tempted to reveal our where about for a price that they found acceptable. I hated to think of such things and yet such thoughts intruded often for I had to see to the safety of the family and that meant thinking often of worst case scenarios.
Christine was different some how I trusted her so fully, so unconditionally that I could not see her EVER selling us out for any price. Perhaps it was that blind trust in her that had enabled her to reach me wherever I had been and she had guided me out of that hellhole. I knew I had wanted to stay there and I also had to admit if only to myself that a small part of me still wanted to go back to that quiet place especially now when I felt the strain of leadership more than ever before.
Do you know what happened Leo? Can you accept it?
That voice, the inner voice, which was far more vocal then, it had ever been before actually was the pacifist side of me. I realized that now.
Didn't really think that I would go away did you Leo?
Hoped more like it I thought ruefully.
Hmm, well that is gratitude I suppose and after all I have done for you and all that I put up with from you. The tone was light and mocking and full of humor so what happened to you Leo?
Nothing. I couldn't…I wouldn't go…
Leo you did you locked yourself up and just about threw away the key. I was locked up with you for a time. How come I can accept this and you can't?
NO!
You are NOT perfect Leo. Repeat after me. I'm not perfect saying it a million times or more and maybe you will let yourself begin to admit to it.
I have to be perfect that is who I am. It is expected of me especially now.
Leo why do you think Christine was so concerned for us? She told you, you can't be perfect for your brothers and she was right. You promised to think about it and now that you have looked into your most recent past it might be time to consider it and start putting things into their proper perspective.
I have to be perfect.
No Leo! Just give it up all right? Perfect people don't go locking themselves up in the farthest reaches of their mind and refusing to come out. A perfect person doesn't go insane with their own doubts and fears. Might as well throw perfection on the rubbish heap where it belongs. Can't you let it go Leo?
I whimpered softly but if I give it up what then?
You can be YOU Leo.
I don't even know who I really am. All of my life I have trained and worked to become what I am today and now I have to tear out a part of that and reject it.
Why not you were rejecting a much larger part of yourself before you know. I say it is about time to figure out who you really are Leo.
I don't have time to learn. I have to…
Give yourself a choice at least Leo. You don't like others forcing decisions on you but you are willing to force the worst ones on yourself. Do you WANT to be perfect?
I never wanted to be perfect.
Then what have you got to lose by giving it up?
I can't don't you see. Don and Mike still expect perfection from me. I have to be perfect for them if I don't then they might end up losing the faith and trust they have in me and that could lead to major trouble. They might not follow my lead if they knew what happened to me.
Gee, and what happened Leo?
I won't accept it!
Leo you can really be difficult you know that? Just because you are a warrior who is trying to live up to some code of honor doesn't mean you have to start a battle over everything you know. Why is it so hard for you to accept? Is it because you have lost all control? Come on face facts Leo, you are crazy, mentally unbalanced, a loonie you're cracked um… I can keep going here. The point I'm trying to make is trying to be perfect has made you that way. It could happen to anyone.
It happened to me. Let's make a deal I am willing to give up being perfect I have never achieved perfection and doubt I ever will but I will NOT admit to THAT.
YOU HAVE TO LEO! If you cannot admit to it then you will never accept what happened.
All right. Fine. I went crazy for a bit but it was only temporary. It was for a short time only and it is over now and it will not happen again.
You can't be sure about that can you Leo?
I won't let it. I am in control.
Sure you are. Just like you were in control the first time around right Leo?
Just shut up!
You have an intense hatred of me don't you Leo?
I hate how you keep coming up with things like that and how you won't let it just go and take me at my word.
Your brothers can take you at your word. I happen to know you better and I am doing this for your own good like it or not. I need you to accept that you are NOT in control of everything, especially this or next time you will lock us both up and who knows if we will make it out of there Leo. Besides what happens if you have a breakdown in front of Don or Mike what will happen then? You think that will help them follow their leader?
What am I suppose to do then? You really believe I will lose control like that again?
Careful Leo. You recall that old saying that it is all right to talk to yourself but when you start to answer back you may be in need of some serious help. In all seriousness I think it could happen again. It might happen again and as a Warrior should you not be prepared for it? Christine was right you can't do it alone and at the moment you do have enough of your own problems to deal with without the added hassles and responsibilities of being the leader.
I know that. I know I can't do it alone. I'll only fail.
No you won't Leo not if you get some help and you try your best.
Help from who? Donny? He could handle some responsibility.
You said it yourself Donny expects you to be perfect and Mike wouldn't work at all he doesn't take to responsibility. Mike is a born follower not a leader and he wants you to be perfect too.
So that leaves no one and I have to do it on my own.
Aren't you forgetting someone Leo?
NO! Not Raph!
Why not Raph Leo?
If anything will drive me crazy it will be HIM!
He's changed Leo.
No.
He doesn't think you are perfect Leo.
Forget it we would drive each other crazy or end up killing each other one of the two. It won't work.
Mike and Don both say he held the family together.
Raph is a rude, obnoxious, sarcastic, irresponsible, immature jerk. It won't work him and I don't get along.
Okay Leo. You know yourself what Mike and Don had to say about Raph. You say Don and Mike want you to be perfect but what about Raph does he expect perfection from you? He doesn't seem to care one way or the other if you live up to the perfect image. The reason you have never gotten along is you were so busy trying to be perfect and make him perfect that you spent a lot of your time lecturing him. You stopped being his brother and started to act like a father and he already had one of those. You made him resent both you and Splinter both because if he wasn't getting it from you he was getting it from Splinter. He knows you are not perfect but it irritates him when it seems to him that you actually pull it off.
Tell you what I would rather admit this to Don then to Raph.
What do you think will happen when you tell Don you went crazy?
I wouldn't tell him that.
One of them ought to know Leo, who would you rather tell?
None of them.
So far you have done very good Leo though I won't deny that you haven't put up a struggle. You have admitted at least to yourself and to me that you are not perfect and you were crazy. You also know you need help but it is up to you to decide form from who. Whoever you decide to help you has to know the truth of the matter.
I sighed wearily feeling thourghly exhausted and the day had not even begun. I listened to the silence of the lair around me even the inner voice was still. Finally giving me a moment's peace. Still forty five minutes before first session of the day.
I reviewed my options for the whole family's sake I had to make a decision.
I could try to work it alone but I knew I wasn't up to that challenge so that option was out. If I tried to go with it I would probably go insane again and I wanted to avoid that happening.
My next option was to get help from either Don or Raph.
Don the quiet, serious, technical minded and gifted was the most likely of the two but then again how would he view the fact I had been crazy for a time? Would he always worry about my sanity? Especially when I had to consider that he was the doctor of the family. Though now we also had Christine to help us with medical supplies and doctoring if we needed it when badly hurt. It was good to have her to help us.
Then there was Raph and the very thought made me grimace but I weighed everything out and made my decision one that I hoped I would not end up regretting.
It wasn't an easy decision to come to and I knew I best get it over with knowing it wouldn't get any easier. Then again nothing was easy when dealing with Raphael.
Maybe I'd get lucky and he'd turn me down refuse to help. I could see him doing that just out of spite. In which case I could see if Don wanted to take on the responsibility I needed someone else to carry. I just hoped both of them wouldn't turn me down. I also prayed that my instincts and feelings were right about Raph regardless of my feelings and doubts.
