Heinz Doofenshrimtz found himself in front of a yellow house with a manila folder in one hand, and a small bouquet of petunias in the other. He was dressed in a black tuxedo, his hair, which was normally matted and in some sort disarray, was neatly combed and obviously had some kind hair product that made it smell like peaches. Heinz carried himself with certain professionalism that was uncharacteristic of his demeanor, as if he had a new sense of purpose or meaning.
Gently rapping on the door, Heinz thought about the reasons why he was standing on the porch, while he thinking about this the door opened with Ferb standing at the other end. Heinz upon seeing Ferb, smiled as sincerely as he could, for he recognized him as "the quiet boy who could build anything" as described by Perry, the platypus being overly descriptive when it came to the boys.
"Hello young man" Heinz began, "Is your mother home?"
Ferb rolled his eyes annoyingly, "No she isn't" he answered, "She won't be for another hour, and she happens to be married. So please, go away."
Heinz stared confusingly at Ferb for a few seconds before finally putting the pieces together; when he did he only continued laughing.
"No, no" he said, "Nothing like that. This is for someone else. I was told to drop this off..."
Heinz handed the folder to Ferb, who stared at it for a moment and threw it on the porch.
"I'm sorry but I don't take junk mail, mysterious folders from people I don't know and especially when those people look like pharmacists. Now, for the last time, go away."
Heinz nodded and casually turned around; he stopped for a moment, thinking once again about the reason why he had been standing on the porch for a total of twenty minutes. He stared at his watch, it was 5:15, Heinz knew at this point Perry was already in his lair, he wouldn't officially appear for another fifteen minutes. He decided against his better judgment, to stall until that time.
"I've heard a lot about you" Heinz continued nonchalantly, "I hear you make some pretty amazing things."
Ferb raised his eyebrows suspiciously, for he hadn't taken on any new projects with Phineas being sick and Ferb deciding to be brotherly and tend to him. Isabella had come by earlier that day with Pinky to see if Phineas was feeling any better, Buford and Baljeet also dropped in to say hello. They all went their separate after two hours. That was all the activity that had happened in the house, the parents and Candace being out for the day.
"What kind of things?" Ferb asked, his voice becoming standoffish.
"Oh you know things" Heinz explained as he rolled his hand in a circular motion, the kind that people make when their thinking of something on the spot. "The rollercoaster, the platypus restaurant, the anti-gravity trampolines, the bio-dome, the supercomputer, the time machine and of course who could forget the time that you and your brother went across the world in a single day!"
Ferb nodded slowly, "Uh-huh" he replied, "And where did you get this information from?"
Heinz laughed as if Ferb should've known the answer. "Your platypus" Heinz continued with all the confidence in the world as that was a completely normal answer.
Ferb, who was only partially paying attention, was more concerned about why Heinz was standing on the porch than where he got the information of his inventions and various antics from. The logical conclusion, and the one that Ferb went with for the time being, was that news gets around quickly in small towns like Danville where nothing unusual, or seemingly unusual, happens on a regular basis.
"Why are you on my porch?" Ferb asked slightly whining at this point, wanting nothing more than to see Heinz walk away and never return.
Heinz once again found himself unable to answer the question, at least directly to Ferb. The reason why Heinz was on the porch was a two part answer- one, the manila folder, which contained personal information on Perry and two, the platypus himself, whom he hadn't seen in over three weeks and was starting to become increasingly concerned.
"Never you mind" Heinz replied coldly, "I have somewhere else I need to be anyway."
Just as Heinz was about to leave he heard a soft chattering sound coming from inside, a sound that could only be attributed to Perry, who had appeared earlier than usual from his hole in ground. Heinz, no longer caring for manners or societal rules, brushed past Ferb without a second thought and immediately took a sharp right to the kitchen. Heinz laughed to himself, for he also recognized the interior of the house, thanks to Perry who was overly descriptive of the house, the reason for this was a mystery even to Heinz.
"He must be planning something" Heinz thought to himself, "But what could it be? He's told me everything. The boys, the house, the girl, the parents...he even opened up about himself! Either he trusts me too much or something is about to happen, my gut feeling says it's the latter."
Perry, in his civilian persona, walked into the kitchen completely ignoring Heinz despite the fact that he was fully aware of Heinz' presence. Heinz, who gave a subtle wink Perry's direction, tossed him the folder as quickly as he could underneath the table. Perry, in response, scurried towards it and upon reaching the folder took it in his bill and waited for the opportunity to take it back down to his lair. At this moment Ferb walked into the kitchen, phone in hand with the police on the line.
"Get out of my house" Ferb threatened, "You are breaking and entering."
Heinz lifted his hands innocently into the air, "Alright Ferb, you got me" he answered, "I'm leaving. But just know that you've made a very big mistake!"
Ferb laughed in disbelief, "What are you going to do? Write me up a prescription for experimental drugs?"
Heinz shook his head, "Why would I do that? I'm an evil scientist not a pharmacist. Besides how you even make that assumption if I'm not even in my lab coat!"
Ferb huffed; sirens could be heard down the street, quickly approaching the house. "All the more reason for me to have you arrested" Ferb declared, "Now, since it's a nice day and you don't look to be troublesome quiet yet I can let you off easy, call off these cops let's say, or I hit you with the books and see you spend a few nights in jail. What do you say?"
Heinz shrugged, for it appeared that he didn't have much of a choice and went with the first option. Ferb nodded in response as the cops marched in, guns drawn and body armor on when Perry made his move dashing to the backyard while Ferb's back was turned. Heinz gave a deep sigh, he found it sad that Perry had to live two lives when it was hard enough living with just one.
Ferb smoothed things over with the cops, giving the story that Heinz was an old friend and how it was only because Heinz was wearing a Halloween costume that Ferb didn't recognize him immediately and called the cops. Surprisingly, they not only believed it, but completely disregarded the fact that it was the middle of June and thus, no reason for anyone to wear a Halloween costume to begin with.
"To answer your question earlier" Ferb said, "I've seen you around before. You look a lot like a pharmacist. Good disguise if you're going for the evil scientist thing, people don't suspect it."
Heinz laughed sarcastically and shook his head, for Ferb reminded him of Perry. "And why is that?" Heinz asked curiously.
"Because Evil Scientist isn't exactly an aspiring career" Ferb replied, "That and the Evil requirement for Evil Scientists...doesn't really go over well with people in all honesty."
"Thanks for not selling me out" Heinz declared as the cops took their leave, "I guess I'll be going now."
Ferb slapped Heinz as hard as he could on the back to serve as a warning. "Don't ever come here again" Ferb warned, "I won't be nice next time around."
Heinz nodded in understanding and made his way towards the door, straightening his hair and fixing his bowtie, which was red, as he went.
"What's the tuxedo for anyway?" Ferb asked curiously, "It's the middle of June."
Heinz nodded, "My ex-wife" he answered, "I'm going to try and make it work again."
Ferb then let out an uncontrollable and extremely rude laugh, for he did not buy that someone like Heinz was ever married. In Ferb's mind, the only person who would marry someone like Heinz would be if that someone looked like a troll and lived under a bridge. Charlene, Heinz's ex, was anything but.
Heinz, who got this response often, was unfazed by Ferb's laughter and simply walked out the door, closing it behind him. When he hit the sidewalk he had forgotten where Charlene lived. Heinz looked around desperately to try to find an answer, he began going through his head the people he could turn to. Norm, his robot butler and assistant, was one option but he was unreliable and extremely clumsy and for the current situation was a bad choice. Perry was out for obvious reasons despite having the most credentials on his list and his daughter Vanessa was also out, for he wanted to keep this expedition as secretive as possible. This left only Carl and/or Major Monogram, both of whom would undoubtedly refuse Heinz' offer no matter how much he begged, pleaded or cried.
"As much as I hate to say it, there's only one person left" Heinz said to himself, "Roger..."
Heinz remained frozen on the sidewalk for several seconds, thinking about what he was going to say and do when he got to Roger. More importantly Heinz also thought about what Roger would say and do when he made his request.
"In the end friends and family are all you have left" Heinz continued, "Since my friends can't be there for me, maybe my family will come through. One can only hope."
Heinz turned left down the opposite way, his heart heavy and full of doubt and uncertainty at what he was about to do. A million and one questions were being asked in his head and Heinz, like so many before him, only had so many answers.
