Okay - this was meant to be a one-shot. Honest. Only there was this little, sweet, adorable plot bunny who insisted there was more to be told.
So here it is.
It was no use. He couldn't sleep at all, and lying here in a hot tangle of sheets, sleep was the farthest possible thing from his mind. Deeks rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, wondering why Kensi was always on his mind, filling his mind, refusing to go away and staring at him uncompromisingly even in his dreams. And right now, he wanted her so much it hurt. There was no way he was going to sleep, no way at all.
So, there were three choices: he could lie here and think about Kensi and how she drove him mad, going just a little bit more insane in the process and ultimately be left lonely and still aching; or he could go and stand under a cold shower, and then be horny, frustrated and frozen to the bone, which was equally unappealing; or he could just admit these was one of these white nights and stop fighting the inevitable. It wasn't much of a choice. Right now Deeks was fed up fighting: fighting his feelings and fighting her. And he was fed up with the complicated dance they seemed to be caught up in, the one where she knew all the steps and he was always half a beat behind and stepping on her toes into the bargain. Sometimes he wondered why he even bothered. Kensi wasn't interested in him, she'd made that clear a thousand times. It was just sometimes, when she thought he wasn't looking, there was a look on her face, a look that was there for only a fleeting second, and then was gone just as quickly as it had come. But it was definitely there. And that just confused him even more. Why did life have to be so fucking confusing? Why did he have to have Kensi for a partner? Why couldn't they have met in some other life, away from work and all the needless complications? Deeks knew he'd screwed up many times before, but this was different. She was different.
Pulling on jeans and a shirt, Deeks wandered out onto his small balcony and leant on the railings, staring out into the darkness. There was no traffic at this time of night, so the murmur of the ocean was clearly audible, rhythmic and repetitive, the one constant in a world of turmoil.
"You are so screwed, Deeks."
He bent over until his head touched the chill metal of the railings. He'd been at a club earlier, had had it made, no doubt about it. And he hadn't followed through, because that damn song had come on and he'd thought of Kensi and suddenly it all just seemed so pointless, so pathetic. Just another meaningless encounter with a girl he'd never see again and didn't even want that much in the first place. Can't Get You Out Of My Head. Wasn't that the truth? He could have been lying in the arms of some girl, and here he was, standing out here alone in the middle of the night and thinking about Kensi. Again. It was no good, he wasn't going to sleep tonight. There was only one thing for it. Maybe this way he could finally get her out his head?
Self-flagellation was not Kensi Blye's style. Beating herself up mentally was a whole different matter. She was good at that, but then she'd had a lot of practice.
"You had it made," she informed her reflection. "It was right there and all you had to do was reach out. So what did you do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Great move."
Last night she'd been in this crummy motel room in the middle of nowhere, with Deeks. Her partner. The man who knew her better than anyone else and who could drive her mad quicker than anybody in the whole world. The man who had her back, who consistently put his own life on the line for her. The guy with the open face and the quick remarks, who had more secrets than anyone she had ever met. He would beckon her forward one instant, teasing and flirting, constantly challenging her, and then she would push him away the next. That was the way it worked. That was the way it had always worked. Right up until last night.
"This isn't working for me anymore," she confessed to the mirror.
Would it have been so very difficult to turn around to face him, to put her arms around him and to kiss him? They were two consenting adults, they were young, free and single: what possible harm could have come from such a simple move? They could have made love. He wanted to; she wanted to. So why hadn't she kissed him? What could possibly have gone wrong?
Simple: he could have said 'no'. He could have pushed her away. Deeks knew it was safe to flirt with her, because he knew that she would always push him away, literally and figuratively. That was how it worked, after all. That was what she had always done. The tables had never been turned, for the very good reason that Kensi was afraid. What if this really was just a game to Deeks? What if he just flirted with her out of habit? How could she go on working with him if he'd said no – or even worse, made love to her out of pity?
"He'd love that. It would be like a dream come true." Her mirror image looked sceptical. "Great, I can't even fool myself."
Kensi slammed her fist against the bathroom wall and stared at herself. "What am I going to do?" she whispered, knowing there was no way she could continue on like this. Just a few hours ago she had woken up in Deeks' arms and it had just felt so right, so amazingly, perfectly right. But there was nobody to answer her question. Nobody who mattered anyway. And she needed answers, to make some sense out of this whole mess. This game had gone on too long and there was too much at stake. She was going to find Deeks and make him do some straight talking. If she had to pin him down, physically force him to peel off that mask and just talk to her, putting aside all the pretences for once.
With Kensi, to think was to act. And if she thought about it too long or too deeply, then she wouldn't act at all. So she grabbed her car keys and ran out, slamming the front door behind her. He was a man, he was just a man – nothing to be scared off. He was Deeks, her partner. They trusted each other – so why couldn't they just damn well talk about things?
"Sometimes, for an intelligent woman, you can be really dumb, Kensi. Deeks – talk? Talk seriously Let that damn shield down? Yeah, right. This is Deeks and he's a man. Men don't do emotions. They're interested in one thing and one thing only. Especially Deeks."
If only it was that simple, then why hadn't she just gathered up her courage and made the first move? That way at least she would have had one night and then she wouldn't be in this mess right now. Kensi floored the accelerator. She'd let one chance slip away but she wasn't about to make the same mistake again.
The track stretched out smoothly in front of him, a darker ribbon running between the pale, moon-bleached expanses of sand. Deeks was in a rhythm, running at a steady pace, just loping along with only the sounds of the ocean crashing onto the shore for company.
"You should have done something. She was right there and you wanted to. So why didn't you?" This morning he'd woken up to find Kensi lying on his chest, her breasts had been pressed right against him. And he'd had to go and ruin everything by poking his damned morning erection into her thigh like some high school kid. And she'd been so cute, in that white tank-top and those panties… And that was getting him hard again all over…
If only he could escape from his thoughts. Coming out for a run had seemed like a great idea, but he'd been in such a rush that he'd left his IPod behind, so there was no escape. "Can't get you out of my head…" The words were ringing out in his head and his feet were pounding down in time to the beat, which just reinforced the thought.
If only Deeks could work out why he couldn't stop thinking about Kensi, then it might be easier to get over her, because nothing was going to happen. Nothing was ever going to happen, no matter how much he fantasised about her. He knew that, he'd always known that. And Kensi had at least been consistent in pushing him away. It wasn't as if she had led him on, or even given him the slightest bit of encouragement. So why couldn't he just admit defeat and move on?
"What are you, Deeks - some sort of sadist?" He knew that with Kensi he could look but not touch. There was a line and she had most definitely drawn it, making it clear that if Deeks ever crossed it he would be singing soprano – if he was lucky.
Kensi wasn't that great looking, she wasn't that hot. Not really. And okay, she was funny – but so were a lot of girls. She was a great partner though, a really great partner. Maybe the best partner he'd ever had. And he actually cared what she thought about him; that actually mattered to him. It mattered one hell of a lot. Now, if only Deeks could only work out what Kensi did think, then maybe he'd be able to sort out this whole mess. Then again, he could just keep running. Talk about being on a hiding to nothing. Deeks knew he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.
He stopped running, threw his head back and yelled. A flock of sleeping seagulls protested angrily, flapping their wings at the unexpected disturbance and rising up into the sky in a screeching flurry of white.
Excellent. He'd managed to ruin their night too. The only possible consolation was that at least they'd not crapped on him. It probably wasn't to safe just to stand around waiting for the birds to return though: they'd looked pretty pissed. And actually, now that he'd stopped running, he realised that it was pretty cold. Which wasn't entirely surprising, given that it was the middle of the night. Deeks started to sprint back along the beach, in the vague hope he might get warmed up a bit and tire himself out at the same time. If only he hadn't heard those words, then he might be able to shake Kensi out of his head, chalk her down as one of these things that were never meant to be. Only he couldn't. She'd said it, and he couldn't forget it. He definitely couldn't get it out of his head. Sure, Kensi had been sound asleep at the time, but that didn't alter the fact that she'd said it and he'd heard. And he couldn't get it out of his head.
And suddenly there she was: right ahead. It was like he'd conjured her out of a dream or something, because Kensi was, on his beach, in the middle of the freaking night, just standing right in the middle of the track, her hands on her hips, hair blowing in the breeze and looking so damned fantastic it was untrue. And he was running like a lunatic, almost unable to stop, completely out of control which was pretty much par for the course.
"Story of your life, Deeks." He screeched to a halt and forced a smile onto his face. "Fancy meeting you here."
Kensi glared at him uncompromisingly. "We need to talk."
Just when Deeks thought that things couldn't get any worse, they did. Infinitely worse.
Hmmm - so Kensi talks in her sleep... that was what the plot bunny whispered in my ear and I simply couldn't get it out of my head. So now you know.
More to come in due course, only Im feeling terrible today, with raging sinusitis.
