Author's Note: Oh man, it's been a while since I last updated. I'd intended to write this story really quickly, so I'm sorry about that. Technically I should be studying for the dreaded IV Medications calculations test right now, but instead I'm writing about robots and birds. Could have done it any other time, but I picked now. I think it was because I had an idea for an Aria T'Loak fanfiction, even though I've never played Mass Effect and I wanted to write. Then again, I hadn't played Portal either and Strange Bedfellows turned out alright.

Anyway, I should probably get this out of the way before I go starting other things. I might end up just doing this as an "update whenever I don't have anything else to do" kind of story. I don't know any more!


The wheels of the wagon squeaked and clattered along with a tremendous din; the chrome coating of its undercarriage so new that it shrieked loudly every time the spinning discs were asked to overcome its friction. As it rattled along the loose gravel, it did a much better job scaring away the birds in the golden fields of wheat than any of the scarecrows ever did. However, the three little birds that were currently being jiggled around inside the cart were only adding to the racket as they squawked in protest. Marie, however, was adamant that they were singing along to whatever made-up tune she'd been humming while she skipped along by their side. George, of course, was the poor pack horse that got to tug it along and get yelled at every time he messed up her song with his grumbles for silence.

Chell just trailed behind the procession with a self-satisfied smile and her hands digging into her pockets; more than content to just watch her kids bicker. Of course, that was until the sunlight reflecting off the shiny new paint kept flashing in her eyes and she was forced to pull out a pair of sunglasses so as not to go blind as well. With her husband's shiny aviators protecting her, the former test subject ran at her daughter with a dramatic roar, her hands outstretched. Once she'd gotten a frightful squeal out of the girl, she scooped her up in one fluid motion and deposited her on her shoulders with two little fists digging into her hair for something to hold onto. The squeal soon turned to giggles and a sloppy kiss as Marie leaned over her mother's head.

"Yaaay! I can see everything up here!"

"No you can't. There's nothing except wheat." George

"Yuh huh! Can too! I can see school now cos mommy's really big!"

"Oh, now you're on me with the fat jokes too, huh?" Chell looked up and stuck her tongue out at her daughter, who attempted to catch the offending organ in her little fists. The test subject only ended up having her cheeks stretched out far beyond what they were supposed to, revealing two rows of pearly white teeth.

George, however, was the one that was stuck with having to look at the hideous expression.

When making chomping noises at him only served to make him roll his eyes and turn away, Chell just gave a non-committal shrug and turned her attentions back to seeing that her daughter was amused. It wasn't hard to make her giggle by bouncing around like a pony and neighing loudly.

"You two are stupid. And do you really have to wear that stupid jumpsuit all the time, mom? All my friends think you're weird. Like a janitor. Or a prison escapee." George groaned again as they came to the gates of the school.

"I think it's stylish. Sets me apart. I'm like a fashion icon." She posed.

"Yeah. Fashion icon of stupid. All the parents are staring. They're all gonna think I'm friends with weirdos."

To her credit, Chell took it all in stride and made sure to give him an extra large and embarrassing kiss and wave as he dropped the handle of the wagon and raced off to meet his friends. Boys. Shaking her head, the dark-haired woman wandered over to Marie's teacher to introduce her to the new rag-tag gaggle of students. If such a term could even be applied.

The woman had surely seen her fair share of oddities in the school system - having come from the city - but Chell wasn't entirely certain that she'd ever seen anything quite like what she was bringing in that day. Birds and robotic turrets were probably at the more unbelievable end of the spectrum, especially in this area.

The tiny, dilapidated little school yard was home to several brick and weatherboard buildings that had seen better days. With such a small town, children of all ages and year levels from kindergarten to high school were housed there. There were less than a hundred students in total and many were taught in classes of mixed year levels. George, however, was much older than his little sister and wasn't in any of her classes. So it would be Marie's class that the turrets and birds would be attending.

"Chell! It's good to see you again. Oh, this must be my new students!"

"Hi Miss!" Marie enthusiastically cut in.

"I have to admit, you're taking this better than I thought you would." Chell laughed. "These are my friend's...children."

"Ah, yes. Well, I can't say I've ever taught birds before, but it has started to become a trend in the city to send artificially intelligent constructs to school with one's children to both record their daily lessons for homework and study purposes, as well as to increase their human interactions and develop social skills."

"I'm not entirely sure you'll get much out of these two, to be honest. That's Charles and Caroline." Chell pointed to the two turrets. "And that's Francis, Margaret, and Mr Chubby Beak with the beret. I'd suggest using his whole name if you don't want strongly worded letters from his...mother. She's rather picky about these things. He's her favorite." She whispered conspiratorially.

"Oh. Well. Okay then..."

Suddenly having three birds and two talking Pez dispensers in her class seemed a whole lot more complicated than what it had sounded like over the phone.

"...-and Mr Chubby Beak has to be fed at midday exactly. He eats worms. They are in his lunch box. Oh, and you'll have to crush his worms for him a little, but not too much. He likes some texture, but he'll choke if the pieces are too big. He gets belly aches if you deviate from his carefully structured meal plan. He's very delicate." Chell reminded the increasingly frazzled teacher, doing her best to hold back her own ever-increasing grin.

Finally...Someone else to share the torturous pain of MotherDOS with.


When Chell left the school grounds and started back toward her house, she made sure to let out a joyous cry; throwing her arms up in the air and spinning about. School was back in.

"FREEEEEDOOOOMMM!"

Apparently squeaky new carts weren't the only things that scared away all the animals in the near vicinity after all.

"What was that, honey?" Mark poked his head out the door, drying his soapy hands upon a dish cloth.

The former test subject didn't answer. Instead she chose to corner her unsuspecting husband in the living room where she could most effectively pounce upon him with arms outstretched and a wolfish grin on her face. With her fingers deeply woven into the front of his shirt the poor male hardly stood a chance as she leapt upon him and knocked them both back onto the couch with a licentious growl.

"Kids are gone. All day. You're mine."

"Oh shi-..."


"So, now that we've all introduced ourselves to our new students, I'd like to-...Francis, please stop eating your name tag." the harried Miss Epstein sighed, barely heard of the giggles of her class full of kindergarteners. "Maths. We're going to do some maths."

"Forty-two!"

"Yes, Charles. Maths involves numbers. But we need to put them together so that-"

"Sixteen!"

"I meant in a sum, like-"

"Four!"

Marie quickly slapped her hands over her own mouth and buried her face against her desk as she tried to stop herself from laughing with the rest of the children as Charles kept interrupting. He was going to be in so much trouble when they got home, but it was awfully funny coming from a turret wearing shorts and a baseball cap.

"I was thinking more like...What is the answer to three plus three? Perhaps you can tell us, Charles, since you know so many numbers?"

The little white turret with his unblinking red eye sat silently for a moment behind his desk, perched awkwardly in his chair. Miss Epstein wasn't the only one who got a fright when the recording of a booming male voice came out of his speakers in replacement of his normally squeaky and childlike voice.

"Seventy million dollars!"

"Uh, no, it's-"

"Tell 'em, Caroline."

"The answer is beneath us." The little turret with the pigtails replied, prompting several of the students to look under their desks.

"All I can see is gum, Miss." One boy called out.

"Three plus three is boogers!" another joined in, getting another round of uproarious laughter.

All Miss Epstein could do was sigh and shake her head. It was far too early in the day for a migraine, and she did her best to will it away while squeezing the bridge of her nose.

"I don't get paid enough for this."

"Get mad!"


"Mom! Dad! We're home! Charles got in trouble for talking back to the teacher! And I'm hungry!" George yelled into the house, letting the screen door slam loudly behind him. Kicking off his dusty shoes in the corridor and dumping his backpack next to them, the young male stomped his way into the kitchen to messily slap together a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to cram into his gullet.

Marie, however, was left to fend for herself in getting the door open; having stopped to pick some daisies from the front yard to give to her mother. But she soon joined her brother in standing stock still at the doorway of the kitchen, looking at their father who was holding a bag of frozen peas to his head.

"What the hell happened to you?"

"Language, young man." Mark warned, pointing a finger at his son.

"Did Aunty GLaDOS beat you up for taking mommy away from science? Oooh! Was it robbers? Did mommy beat them up for you, daddy?" Marie interrupted with a barrage of questions.

Chell just gnawed on her lower lip and hid her face in Mark's chest, thankful that his new shirt now covered the long red scratch marks she'd left on his skin.

"I-..what-...no!" he spluttered, though his masculinity was promptly reinstated when the dark-haired woman snaked her arms around his waist and leaned into him with a lazy smile.

"Then what happened?"

"I-...we-"

"Adventure." Chell finished, her stern nod not impressing her children one bit.

"As if. You guys are lame." George scoffed, abandoning his thoughts of a sandwich and just snagging a packet of potato chips off the counter so that he could make a quick retreat to his room. Though not before firing off one last retort over his shoulder.

"You probably just fell off the couch doing sex again."

Both Chell and Mark's eyes widened.

"Mommy, what's sex?"