In Defense of Clare

Chapter 2: The Horror…the horror

A Note from the Author: Cheese and crackers, guys! Thanks for all of the love – and not even one "Eli rules and Clare drools" review. Color me pleasantly surprised. You all rock! Thanks for making me feel so welcome.

In this chapter, I tackle the beginning of Season 11 or, as many fans reproachfully call it, the Season of Cake. Never have I seen more vitriol poured out against a fictional couple than I have against Clare Edwards and Jake Martin. Honestly, I don't really understand it. I acknowledge the fact that Clare and Eli have more chemistry than Clare and Jake have. I also acknowledge the fact that there was little build up to Cake and that they started throwing around the "I love yous" pretty quickly (what? High school kids throwing around "I love yous?" – I am shocked and amazed). However, the two of them together do not offend me. They are not the twenty-first century's answer to Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun and should not be portrayed as such.

I get the distinct feeling that many fans who want Clare to "apologize" for her "horribly selfish actions" really want her to apologize for breaking-up with Eli and moving on to Jake. Why? She stuck with Eli as long as she could, and Jake is cute and makes her feel good. I may prefer her with Eli and hope she eventually gets back together with him, but I certainly don't think she owes me or anyone else an apology for being with Jake. Besides, it's not like they are going to be together "forever" (cue clip of Jake's terrified face). In my opinion, Cake is just a cute, high school romance. In fact, I'd be willing to bet, that if EClare had never happened and Clare had simply moved on from KC to Jake, this anti-Clare/anti-Cake hate wouldn't even be an issue. I'm not saying that Cake would be the new "it couple," but they certainly wouldn't be vilified.

On an entirely different matter, I mentioned in my first author's note that this parody would confine itself to three acts. However, when completed, the Cake chapter was such a behemoth that I worried about reader fatigue – it is Cake, after all. So it is now two separate chapters. I'll post Chapter 3 later on this week. I hope this doesn't cause any disappointment. What can I say? "I'm sorry I led you on."

A big shout out to Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness for the title of this chapter and to the anti-Cake fans whose passionate diatribes against said couple make the title delightfully apropos.

Oh, and I'd like to dedicate Chapter 2 to Cake - one of my very favorite bands (did you see what I did there?). Seriously, give "Love You Madly" and "Stickshifts and Safetybelts" a listen. You won't regret it.

Again, I do not own Degrassi or any of the characters associated with it. I also do not own Law and Order.

We begin with a wide shot of the courtroom. People are milling about after a hasty lunch, their hunger satisfied but their appetite for justice unappeased. The camera focuses in on Clare Edwards, perched in the witness box, her foot tapping nervously, as she waits for the proceedings to resume. She looks terrified and totally alone. As the camera zooms in, Clare lowers her gaze to the cold, linoleum floor, afraid to make eye-contact with any of the spectators. She anxiously fingers her cross necklace, harshly twisting the delicate chain until it snaps. Startled, she stares down at the broken necklace in her hand wondering if it is an omen. Has God abandoned her too? (Cue Law and Order music).

"All rise; the honorable Judge Claudia Dawes presiding."

"Mr. Edwards," Judge Dawes called, regally brushing stray cookie crumbs off of her robe, "you may resume."

"Thank you, Your Honor." Looking refreshed and confident after a power lunch at Little Miss Steaks, Randall Edwards approached the witness box.

"Ms. Edwards, let me take you back briefly to the night of the Spring Fling. After you heartlessly abandoned Mr. Goldsworthy at the hospital so you could presumingly 'drop it like it's hot' at the 'super exciting Degrassi dance,' you did not see nor hear from him again until classes recommenced after Spring break. Is this correct?"

"Yes," Clare replied tentatively. "I didn't try to contact him. I was just … really… scared after he crashed the hearse. He was so unstable, so intense. " She turned to the jury, eyes pleading. "But, I still honestly cared about Eli. I thought about him the entire break. I stopped myself from calling him so many times. I just … I just didn't want to run the risk of being pressured back into a relationship with him. Eli had a way of getting me to do things – things that I didn't necessarily want to do. Besides, I thought we both needed a little distance from the events before talking about them."

"So, in other words," Mr. Edwards paraphrased, "you didn't give a crap about how Mr. Goldsworthy was doing because you were too busy reliving the excitement of the Spring Fling—all that wonderful renewal and rebirth, right?"

"No! Not at all!" Clare cried. "I cared about how he was doing." She looked at the spectators, eyes blazing. "Believe it or not, I did love Eli."

Scoffs of disbelief bubbled harshly from the galley.

"I just couldn't be there for him anymore," Clare continued indignantly. "His parents needed to take over. Professionals needed to take over. I was only fifteen – I couldn't help him."

Mr. Edwards rolled his eyes dramatically. "So the next time you saw Mr. Goldsworthy was when you returned to Degrassi after Spring break?"

"Yes," Clare admitted softly.

"Did you approach him?" Mr. Edwards asked.

"Yes," Clare whispered.

"How did Mr. Goldsworthy seem to you?"

"Um…" Clare's voice cracked, "he seemed … out of it. It was like he was emotionless – zoned out. I told him I wanted to talk about things." She turned to the jury. "I figured it had been a week since the accident, and both of us had had enough distance from the break-up to talk about it. But Eli wasn't interested. He just walked away from me."

"And can you really blame him?" Mr. Edwards harshly commented.

"No," Clare admitted, biting her lip. "Look, I get that I hurt him. I get that. I wish things could have ended differently – that's what I wanted to talk to him about. But he didn't want to talk."

Oh yes," Mr. Edwards broke in, his voice sarcastically rising in pitch. "Mr. Goldsworthy didn't want to talk. So to force him into talking to you, you came up with the cruel plan to make Mr. Goldsworthy jealous using Mr. Jake Martin, isn't that correct?"

"I never had a plan. I'm not some diabolical villain," Clare argued. "I just wanted to get a response out of Eli – any response. He had been so intense during our entire relationship and then… just…nothing. We were both suffering from the trauma of the break-up. I just wanted to talk to him."

Mr. Edwards glared at Clare through narrow eyes. "Ms. Edwards, would you please tell the jury about the events that transpired at Above the Dot?"

"Um," Clare shifted nervously. "Well, a group of us was meeting at the club Above the Dot," Clare started with trepidation. "Originally, I thought that I wouldn't be able to go, since Mom had invited Glen Martin and his son, Jake, to dinner."

"Now, to be clear," Mr. Edwards interrupted, "these are the same Martins with whom we used to vacation when you and Darcy were little, correct?"

"Yes, minus Mrs. Martin. She and Glen divorced years ago."

"Oh, I thought that she had died," Mr. Edwards mused thoughtfully, "but I guess she just took off like Jenna's mother did."

"Actually, I think Jenna's mother is now deceased," Clare tentatively offered, "but I can't be entirely sure." Again she looked to the Degrassi writers for confirmation, but they had moved past Angry Birds and were now clandestinely watching "The Honey Badger" video on YouTube.

"Continue, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards instructed.

"Well, Jake and I ended up going to Above the Dot. I think Mom and Glen wanted a little alone time. Mom had opened a bottle wine," Clare admitted.

"Ah, say no more," Mr. Edwards smiled knowingly, fondly caressing his empty, left hand, ring finger.

"At the time, I didn't really want to have to babysit Jake," Clare continued. "But I used him as an excuse to get out of the house by promising our parents that I would introduce him to my friends."

"And you made sure to introduce him to one friend in particular," Mr. Edwards smirked, "Mr. Eli Goldsworthy."

"I…I don't know what came over me," Clare admitted sheepishly. "I just wanted Eli to react. Just a week before this, he had crashed his car because he didn't want to lose me. And then he just didn't seem to care at all. I thought that if he saw me with Jake, maybe I could break through to him. But he didn't care. In fact, he stood there and talked to Jake while I watched from the sidelines."

"Ms. Edwards, help me to understand this," Mr. Edwards implored with mock sincerity. "YOU broke up with Mr. Goldsworthy because he was too clingy, too emotional, too intense, and then when he is unemotional and calm – when he gives you all the space you require – YOU are unhappy."

"Dad, there is a whole range of emotions between crashing a car for someone and being an unresponsive zombie," Clare tried to explain, desperation coloring her voice. "I couldn't understand how Eli could have been so passionately in love with me one minute and completely ambivalent towards me the next. I just wanted to talk to him – to talk to him about the last few weeks of our relationship - about our break-up. For once, I just wanted us to have an honest discussion."

"Yes, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards broke in. "In fact you wanted to have that honest discussion so much that you didn't respect Mr. Goldsworthy when he told you he didn't want to talk to you! You wanted that honest discussion so much that you decided to start it yourself by yelling at Mr. Goldsworthy in front of a crowd! You wanted that honest discussion so much that you screamed at him, bringing up his dead girlfriend and belittling him because he had taken so long to get over her!"

"I didn't mean to belittle him," Clare pleaded, her voice thick. "That was never my intention. I just couldn't believe that he was already over me."

"Why? You were apparently over him!" Mr. Edwards bitingly accused.

"Yes, Dad, I was completely over him," Clare huffed sarcastically. "That's why I was trying to make him jealous and yelling at him in public." She turned to the jury, shame marking her face. "I know that I acted completely immaturely and that I crossed a line bringing up Julia. I apologized to Eli the next day. I promised to stay away from him, and I told him that I hoped we could be friends someday."

"How did Mr. Goldsworthy respond to such a 'heartfelt' apology?" Mr. Edwards asked derisively.

"He told me that the reason he didn't have any feelings for me anymore was because he was taking anti-anxiety medication that prevented him from feeling anything," Clare closed her eyes. "Then he walked away." She looked up at the ceiling, trying desperately not to cry.

"Oh, Clarebear, you act like you were devastated by Mr. Goldsworthy's news," Mr. Edwards sighed in annoyance. "But, in reality, by that time, you had already moved on to 'hunky', plaid-wearing Mr. Martin, had you not?"

Angry hisses emanated from the seated spectators.

"We… um…Jake and I… weren't dating at the time. No," Clare stuttered.

"Oh, so you were just sucking face?-swapping spit?-tonsil boxing?"

"Dad!"

"What? That's what the kids are calling it these days, Princess," Mr. Edwards drawled.

"We had kissed – once! That's it!" Clare cried. "Besides, I didn't do anything wrong. Eli and I had broken-up."

The courtroom buzzed indignantly.

"… jumped-up hussy…"

"… total slut... give Marisol a run for her money."

"…unforgivable…Anson was a more likable character!"

Clare leaned forward in her seat, eyes blazing. "What?" she cried, her voice cracking as she tried to yell over the crowd. "Am I not allowed to move on? Is there a mourning period I was supposed to observe? Was I supposed to join a convent—exclude myself from the sight of men?"

"Silly Clare," Mr. Edwards cooed, waving his hand and quieting the crowd. "Of course, you are not allowed to move on. You broke up EClare! You were supposed to spiral into a dark depression, realizing that your own existence is worthless without Eli Goldsworthy. Perhaps you could have developed a drinking problem and a penchant for Scandinavian literature or started self-harming, at the very least. But no, you decided to immediately 'get it on' with Jake Martin - an unforgivable course of action in anyone's book."

"Seriously?" Clare questioned skeptically.

The courtroom murmured in confirmation.

"At this time, Your Honor," Mr. Edwards stated, "I'd like to address the crimes that Clare Edwards has committed against humanity, namely her participation in a relationship known as Cake."

At the mention of Cake, waves of violent gagging and ferocious retching ascended from the crowd in a nauseating cacophony.

Stifling a dry heave, Mr. Edwards continued, "Ms. Edwards when did your illicit relationship with Mr…," unable to control his gag reflex, he put two fingers over his lips and breathed in deeply through his nose. "Um…. I apologize, Your Honor, ….Mr…. um…gah…Martin begin?"

Clare looked at him questioningly. "Well, Jake kissed me for the first time after that terrible night at Above the Dot when I had that melt down." She looked at her father's face which had taken on a definite greenish hue. "Are you OK Dad? You didn't have the Rootin' Tootin' Poutine at Little Miss Steaks for lunch, did you?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Mr. Edwards asserted weakly, burping uncomfortably. "It's just that the visual of you and Mr. Martin kissing… um… ack... turns my stomach."

"What? Why?" Clare questioned, defensiveness creeping into her tone.

"Just the thought of you two as a couple – it's—it's-repulsive," Mr. Edwards whispered.

"What's repulsive about it?" Clare cried heatedly. "Have you seen Jake? He is incredibly handsome."

"I mean nothing disparaging against Mr. Martin," Mr. Edwards admitted, glancing at the man in question who was hunched over in the first row of spectators trying to hide his face. "It's just that the two of you together are just so -revolting - especially when compared to the sublime union of you and Mr. Goldsworthy." Mr. Edwards shook his head sadly and returned to his initial line of questioning.

"So, Mr. Martin k…kis…kissed you after the events that transpired at Above the Dot. Was this the beginning of your," again he gagged, "relationship?"

"No," Clare admitted. "Jake was not a big fan of relationships. He just kissed me to prove a point."

"And what point was that?" Mr. Edwards queried, shuttering again at the image of the kiss.

"I'm not entirely sure," Clare acknowledged. "I think he was either trying to prove that I was the one who needed closure - not Eli; or that it was easy to move on; or that high school relationships didn't have to be so full of drama." She looked blankly at Jake. "I really don't know what his point was. But his kiss made me realize something."

"And what's that, Ms. Edwards?" Mr. Edwards asked bitingly.

"That maybe I didn't need to have closure, if Eli wasn't willing to give it to me. That maybe I could let go of all the drama surrounding my relationship with him. That maybe it would be possible for me to move on – to feel attracted to someone again."

"Blasphemy!" Mr. Edwards boomed. "How could you even think that?" He started pacing, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Fans around the world were mourning the loss of EClare -gnashing their teeth and rending their garments in grief - and you thought that you could just 'move on'? You thought that you could just 'let go of all the drama'?"

He paused his frantic pacing and looked directly at Clare. "Oh, Ms. Edwards, I feel sorry for you. I really do." His voice was thick with passion and sincerity. "To think that you considered the possibility of actually having a normal, high school romance – one based on mutual attraction instead of deep, mutual connection – one based on the hormonal pull of physical desire not on the emotional pull of compassion and acceptance—one based on silly "I love yous" and suggestive comments not on promises to never leave each other and total, emotional dependence. Who do you think you are? Dave Turner?"

"I…I…," Clare stuttered.

Mr. Edwards cut her off. "But back to the matter at hand - so, in the beginning, how would you characterize the relationship between you and Mr. Martin?"

"We decided to keep it casual," Clare stated boldly, her cheeks coloring.

"Out of character! Out of character!" Mr. Edwards cried, frantically hammering his fist on the jury partition. "My daughter would never have agreed to a casual, 'friends with benefits' relationship. Never!"

"Dad, "Clare explained patiently, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but a lot has happened to me this past year. I was an eye witness to the implosion of you and Mom's marriage." Clare tried to catch her father's eye, but he refused to meet her glance.

She took a deep breath. "I found love, for the first time," she continued, "only to have it end, both literally and figuratively, in a car wreck." She closed her eyes at the memory. "It should come as no surprise that, at the time, I didn't have a lot of faith in relationships – in love. The idea of a casual fling was really appealing. No one would get hurt. I wouldn't have to worry about permanently damaging anyone. Besides," she turned imploringly to one of the female jury members, "Jake is really cute. He made me feel attractive. He made me feel like a giddy, teenage girl, not some tortured, despondent heroine in a Chekhov play. And, what's more, Jake didn't desperately need me."

"You say that like it's a good thing, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards pointed out. "Don't you know that the majority of fangirls would give their right arm to have a boyfriend who desperately needed them the way that Eli Goldsworthy needed you?"

"Um… that's worrisome on so many different levels," Clare noted in concern, looking out at the spectators.

"Moving on," Mr. Edwards continued briskly. "So you and Mr. Martin started a 'casual' relationship. How did that work out for you?"

"Well, at first, things seemed OK, once I understood where Jake was coming from. But then, the situation got a little sticky."

"How so?" Mr. Edwards inquired in a shaky voice. "And, for the love of all things holy, please don't tell me the stickiness had anything to do with bodily fluids."

"Dad! No! Gross!" Shaking her head in disbelief, Clare continued, "We had agreed to a casual relationship. But then Jake cancelled a date with Katie Matlin to hang out with me. And then," she paused shakily, "I found you and Mom's divorce papers."

Mr. Edwards looked at his daughter poignantly. "And...?" he prompted.

"I discovered that you had cheated on Mom repeatedly," Clare whispered. She cleared her throat. "All of a sudden, what Jake and I had didn't seem so casual. I didn't want to get so invested in another relationship only to have my heart broken like Mom did. So I asked Jake to leave. I told him that I couldn't be with him."

Mr. Edwards turned to the witness box, slowly clapping his hands together in a sardonic ovation. "Very good show, Ms. Edwards! Very good show!" he cried sarcastically. "But, unfortunately, this moment of clarity—this moment of good judgment- did not last long, did it?"

"I don't know what you're implying, Dad," Clare stated in exasperation. She turned to the jury, "Look, I tried to push Jake away to prove that I didn't want to be with him. I tried to be 'casual.' I even kissed Liam at Movie Night."

"Hah!" cried Mr. Edwards. "You mean Clare 'school is for learning, not for boys' Edwards kissed yet another boy?" Mr. Edwards held his hands up in fabricated shock. He turned to Clare, "Ms. Edwards, do you really expect us to believe that a fifteen year old girl who had recently gone through an intensely draining break-up and then discovered that her father's infidelity had caused her parents' divorce would have acted in such an unpredictable, extreme, and out of character manner?"

"Yes," Clare nodded with finality, embarrassed but firm. "I do."

Mr. Edwards gaped at her.

Clare turned back to the jury to continue her narrative. "At Movie Night, Jake approached me, and we talked. I told him about my father's unfaithfulness. I told him why I was too scared to start a relationship with him. I asked him if we could just be friends."

"What did he say to this request?" Mr. Edwards asked, his words dripping with mock hope.

Clare looked at Jake, sitting in the front row, his face pale. "He said that he didn't think that would work. He was … starting to have feelings for me. So, even though I was incredibly nervous to start another relationship, I told him that maybe we could just take a chance."

"Disgusting!" Mr. Edwards cried.

"Dad!"

"No, it really must be said, Clare. The fact that you started to have feelings – actual feelings- for another boy so soon after breaking-up with Mr. Goldsworthy is shameful, disgusting, and completely out of character for you."

"Dad, I know people like to think of me as wise beyond my years, but, in truth, I am really just a teenage girl. I was devastated after Eli. Jake made me feel good. He made me feel normal. He helped me to forget about the drama of my past with Eli. I felt safe with Jake. It may not have been the wisest decision to start a relationship with him, especially considering what happened next, but I don't think it was out of character."

"But you still had feelings for Mr. Goldsworthy!" Mr. Edwards shrieked. "What you and Mr. Goldsworthy shared was a love for the ages! And you tossed him aside as if he were some silly, high school crush so you could move on to the cute, new guy! I expected more from you, Clare." He moved his arm in a circular motion, encompassing the courtroom in his gesture. "We all expected more from you!"

Thunderous applause broke out from the spectators which Judge Dawes swiftly quelled with a bang of her gavel.

"Well, I'm sorry I let you down," Clare spoke tearfully, an edge to her voice. "I'm sorry that I behaved like a scared, adolescent girl. I'm sorry that after sticking by Eli through his grief over Julia; through his admission of hording; through his overprotective, intense paranoia; through his unchecked mental instability which scared me." She leaned forward in her seat, looking straight at Mr. Edwards. "The damn 'Stalker Angel' story scared me, Dad- and the gun scared the hell out of me." She paused to breathe deeply. "I'm sorry that after all of that, I couldn't stick it out with him after he CRASHED HIS CAR to prevent me from leaving him." She steadied her voice. "And I'm sorry that when Eli refused my offer to talk about the break-up – and yes, I know he was on medication – I moved on. You think I moved on too quickly? Well, I'm sorry I didn't check with you to see if it was OK first. I didn't know where you were, Dad. You left."

She shook her head, trying to keep her tears at bay. "You want to know why I started something with Jake? I was happy around Jake – not nervous, not scared. I didn't have to gauge his mood. I didn't have to weigh everything I wanted to say before I said it. Jake made me feel good. Jake helped me to forget. God, for once, I just wanted to do something for myself – to think about what I needed. And what I needed was to not constantly think about Eli – to not constantly worry about him. I needed to feel like a normal, fifteen year old girl again."

"Damn, Clare," Mr. Edwards mocked, "selfish much?"

"Dad!"

"But even if we accept your pitiful excuse for moving on so hastily, there is no way any right thinking, Degrassi fan could ever accept the atrocity of your relationship with Mr. Martin."

"Why, Dad? What is so horrifying about my relationship with Jake? Why do you make our relationship out to be so offensive?"

"Oh, Princess," Mr. Edward's sighed condescendingly, shaking his head. He gestured to the prosecution's table, "If I may, Judge Dawes."

Judge Dawes nodded.

Two aids for the prosecution rose and started setting up a giant projection screen. When they were finished, Mr. Edwards addressed the judge's bench.

"Your Honor, I would like to submit evidence of Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin's repellent behavior as the People's Exhibit A."

The lights dimmed, and Clare and Jake appeared, bigger than life, on the white projector screen. They were locked in a passionate embrace, fervently kissing. The prosecution had slowed down the tape so that every smacking sound of lips colliding, every sloppy trail of saliva could be heard and seen in all its glory. Mr. Edwards had also added a background track of generic porno music, so that Clare and Jake seemed to be engaged in some sort of obscene dance to the pounding "bow, bow, chicka, bow, wow" beat.

Clare covered her eyes in shame, her cheeks burning.

The jury sat motionless, grimaces of distaste on their faces. One woman, not able to take it anymore, put her head in her lap, desperately trying not to pass out. Another took out her Rosary Beads and started silently praying for salvation.

After a few more minutes, Judge Dawes spoke. "I think we get the picture, Mr. Edwards. Please turn off that horrifying spectacle."

The projector was switched off, and the lights came back on in the courtroom. Relieved sighs erupted from the audience.

"Well, Ms. Edwards," Mr. Edwards addressed Clare, his face white and drawn, "what do you have to say for yourself now?"

"What do you want me to say, Dad?" Clare asked in embarrassment. "Jake and I were attracted to each other." She turned to gesture at Jake. "Look at him! He's amazingly hot. Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're freakin' teenagers. Hormones are literally coursing through our blood streams, as we speak. We made out. At the time, I didn't realize that I would be starring in my own amateur porn video –thanks, Dad, for that, by the way – but we really did nothing wrong. We just kissed."

"You did nothing wrong?" Mr. Edwards screeched. "How can you look at that horrifying film and say you did nothing wrong? Everything about that moment was wrong, Clare – everything! You never kissed Mr. Goldsworthy on camera like that, and you were with him for three months! Yet, you date Mr. Martin for a nanosecond, and you are all over him like white on rice!"

Mr. Edwards was breathing hard, pacing frantically back and forth. "And the kissing! Good God the kissing! It's so sloppy and desperate and loud." He turned to the jury, a pained look on his face. "I can't get it out of mind," he whispered painfully. "The images are burned into my brain."

"Dad, don't you think you are overacting just a little bit?" Clare inquired. "Jake is a good person. I am a good person. We were both single. We were attracted to each other. We kissed. It was no big deal."

"Overreacting? No big deal?" Mr. Edwards gaped. He turned to Judge Dawes, "Your honor, it is the prosecution's position that Cake is an abomination and should be treated as such. Ms. Edwards and Mr. Martin have no chemistry together, no common interests, no emotional connection, and certainly no skills in the kissing department."

"Hey!" Clare protested.

"Seriously, Clare," Mr. Edwards quipped, "you two look like a couple of chickens trying to peck each other's faces off. Now, this may be a turn on to Mr. Martin, considering his obsessive love of chicken, but let me assure you that, for the rest of us, it's just plain gross."

"Let the record show that Cake is an abomination," Judge Dawes commanded, pounding her gavel officially.

"But, your honor," Clare's lawyer objected, before being cut off by Judge Dawes.

"Save your breath, Mr. Public Defender. There is no objection in the world that could excuse the repellent display of adolescent hormones to which we have just been subjected. "

Judge Dawes paused, distaste coloring her features. "In fact," she continued, "after that nauseating exhibition, I think we could all use a small break." She pounded her gavel authoritatively. "We will take a 15 minute recess. Ladies and gentlemen, court will resume at 2:25."