A/N So, this is Magnus' reaction to the letter Alec wrote. This has actual narration in it, so I hope I did well with that. I couldn't figure out a way to show his reaction (that made sense) without actually putting the letter in it, so forgive me for making you read that twice. It is mixed in with Magnus' thoughts though, but if you want to skim read the letter part (it's italicized) I understand.
Also, it occurred to me that I did not put a disclaimer on the last chapter. So, I don't own The Mortal Instruments. I'm just a girl with a laptop
Another disclaimer-y thing. The first italicized section is copied directly from City of Lost Souls. I cut some of the dialogue out, but it's still from the book. It's not mine.
And a BIG thank you to those who reviewed/PM-ed me! You guys are great! I got so many wonderful reviews and it makes me so happy to see people like what! I write. I tried to thank everybody with a PM, but if I missed you I am so sorry, so thank you! There was one anon though who I can't thank that way, so I'll say it here! Your review was seriously one of the best reviews I have ever received! Better than Cassandra Clare? I don't know about that, but that is the highest compliment you could give me so thank you! It means a lot.
Your guys' feedback is why I wrote this, so I hope this installment doesn't disappoint you!
Enjoy!
Forever My Darling
By the time Magnus returned to his apartment his feet were sore and every muscle in his body ached; his heart was no exception.
He had spent the entire day walking. He walked anywhere and everywhere in New York he could think of, being sure to steer clear of the Institute. Walking, he found, was a good way to relieve distress and heartache when simply destroying everything within a couple miles radius with his magic would suffer too many consequences. All he wanted to do was relax and try to forget everything. But as he shuffled into the empty and unlit apartment Magnus knew forgetting would be an impossible task. The breakup wasn't supposed to be difficult for him. Wasn't it supposed to be easy, painless even, for the one who broke things off? But he knew better. The truth was, he was still very in love with Alexander. He loved him so much, but he was too angry and felt too betrayed to let the shadowhunter in again. Magnus was so tired, and his confusion was making his head pound. His heart was a swirling mix of emotion, disappointment and confusion and longing for Alexander, frustration and hatred toward Camille, and predominantly, anger at himself. Anger for so readily ending things, for not trying to talk things out, for not finding a more sensible solution. Anger for not only breaking his own heart, but breaking Alexander's.
Magnus realised with a sigh that that train of thought was doing him no good. He shook his head and yanked his fingers through his inky black hair in frustration. His footsteps were soft as he treaded across the threshold and into the living room, but they seemed to echo loudly off of the walls and when the sound greeted his ears it was much louder than it should have been. The echo seemed to mock him in his loneliness. He didn't want to look at anything around him. Magnus knew that if he looked at the apartment he would remember exactly where all of Alec's things used to be and get even sadder.
Without turning his head to see what Alec had taken or to check if he had left his keys on the table like he had instructed him to, Magnus walked with his head hung low straight into the bedroom. Crying himself to sleep sounded incredibly appealing right now.
Magnus was trying as hard as he could to not think about Alec, but it was made impossible with his bed still smelling like him. Releasing a shout of aggravation, Magnus hastily tore at his closet doors and yanked out a spare quilt and pillow and went to make his bed on the couch. Tears were flowing freely from his eyes now, and whether they were from frustration, exhaustion, heartache, anger, or all three, Magnus was too tired to tell. He pulled the old quilt up over his shoulder and buried his tear-stained face into the pillow, falling into a sleep plagued with dreams about bottle glass blue eyes, pale, milky skin, and dark, raven coloured hair.
(PageBreak)
Magnus was aware of the light behind his eyelids streaming in from the windows, but he wasn't ready to wake up yet. Instead of rolling out of bed, he rolled the other way and moved to wrap an arm around Alec's waist- and fell off of the couch.
"What on earth…?" he mumbled groggily, rubbing at his eyes and trying to figure out why he was on the floor. He looked around the living room, taking in the coffee table empty of Alec's possessions, the clothes that he had been wearing yesterday and never changed out of, and the quilt thrown across the room when he fell, and it all came rushing back to him. The dark alley way, the smell of the city air in the morning, before it got all smoggy.
"I'll be out all day. Come and get your things out of the apartment. Leave your key on the dining room table. It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec."
The heartbreak written all over Alexander's face.
"It means 'I love you'. Not that it changes anything."
"But if you love me-"
"Of course I do. More than I thought I would. But we're still done."
The anger in his tone.
"But it was just a mistake. One mistake-"
The desperation in Alec's.
"But you didn't trust me. You never have."
The feeling of betrayal coursing through his veins, hot and angry, like lava.
"I do. I will, I'll try. Give me another chance-"
How his heart had broken even more, shattered further beyond repair every time he denied those sad, panicked, beautiful blue eyes.
"No."
Had he really said all of that? Had he really been that harsh? Was Alec really gone?
Like a mad man, Magnus scrambled to get off the ground and ran over to the dining room. He tripped several times and stumbled like a drunk, but he didn't care. He needed to see if Alec's set of keys were really there. If he was really gone. Somewhere, back in the logical part of his mind, he knew that the keys had to be on the table. He knew that Alec would never take them if he didn't want him to have them. But the heartbroken, stress-addled part of his brain needed to look, he needed to be sure.
It was inevitable, but Magnus couldn't fight the sinking feeling in his chest when he saw the gleaming silver key resting atop the dinner table.
"No," he whispered, the word tumbling unconsciously from his lips. He knew he should be happy. This was what he had wanted, right? Alec had almost taken away his immortality. That's pretty close to killing him. Of course he wanted him gone right? "NO!" He yelled this time, his heartbreak overpowering the betrayal. Angrily, Magnus lifted the key off the table and hurled it across the room. The anger gone from his body, he dejectedly sank into one of the chairs gathered around the table. He had no idea what he wanted. He slumped over and let his head fall to the table top. But instead of hitting cool hardwood his forehead came into contact with something much softer. Paper.
Wondering why he hadn't noticed it before, Magnus lifted his head off of the table top and lifted the paper for further inspection. It appeared to be a letter, hastily written and blotted with tears; Magnus instantly recognized Alec's less than elegant penmanship.
It read:
Magnus,
I am so, so sorry, and yet I know my apologies are worth nothing to you. What I did was awful. I should have never even considered it. You were right about Camille, I'm sorry I didn't listen. I understand if you can never forgive me. Honestly, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself. Not after what I did to you, what I did to us.
Some of the words were smeared and distorted by tear drops, but the paper had dried enough for the message to be legible. It hurt Magnus to know he had made his Alec, strong, beautiful Alec, cry.
You said that I don't trust you.
In all of this, that statement was one of Magnus' biggest regrets. Because Alec obviously trusted him. He trusted him enough to let him love him even though he wasn't entirely comfortable with it yet. He trusted him enough to kiss him in the Accords Hall in front of hundreds of other shadowhunters, in front of his parents, because he knew that if they were judged in any way he'd have Magnus to fall back on. He trusted him enough to bind their powers in battle and fight side by side, partners in more ways than just the romantic one. Alec trusted him more than anyone, and Magnus was too stupid to realise it.
You said I never have. But that's not the case.
Magnus laughed a laugh full of mirth and regret at this, because now, after it was too late, he had realised that without having to read it. But there was no turning back. Surely Alec was angry with him. Maybe he hated him. Magnus would blame him. He had taken Alexander's love and thrown it away without a thought about how damaged it might leave him. He deserved better than Magnus, and Magnus felt like he deserved to be hated.
It's not that I didn't trust you, I just didn't trust myself. I didn't trust myself to love you freely and not screw everything up in the process. Now look where that got me. I trust you more than anyone, Magnus. More than I trust Jace, more than I trust Isabelle, you have seen sides of me that no one else knows about. This was never an issue of trust, I was just afraid. Looking back it seems as though I was always afraid when it came to you, when it came to us. But now I am surer than ever that it is with you that I belong. I know now that it is too late, but I want you to know how scared I was. How scared I was of losing you.
At this point Magnus started crying. He should have known. He should have realised that it was only fear. The signs were everywhere, there from the start. Alec was always nervous and unsure. It had nothing to do with trust, if he only would have known.
I don't like to appear weak, you know this more than anyone, but now I need to tell you everything, no matter how vulnerable it makes me, because you deserve to know. Magnus, you deserve every explanation I can possibly give you, and even then, I know it will never be enough.
His sadness hadn't disappeared, but there was another emotion there. Satisfaction, bitter satisfaction. Alec had seen how badly he hurt Magnus; he seemed to understand the magnitude of what he had done. That made Magnus feel better. Even though there was no making up for what had been done, there was a chance that they could fix this if Alec knew what he did wrong. That thought was enough to put a smile on Magnus' face. His first genuine smile in a long time, he thought distantly.
When we went to the Seelie Court the other day, Simon mouthed off to the Queen.
If he weren't so distraught Magnus would have laughed out loud. The thought of Simon being a smart ass to the Seelie Queen was pretty funny.
Even though it was a huge mistake on his part, it was incredibly funny seeing someone as awkward as Simon standing up to the Queen, who is rarely ever mocked. Of course I laughed, we all did. The Queen does not like to be laughed at, of course, so she took the attention off of her and put it all on me.
You're probably wondering why I am telling you all of this, but you'll see. I promise it's not all in vain.
"Don't think like that, Alexander." Magnus said out loud without realising it. "Your efforts are never wasted on me."
You know how some nights I'll wake up in a cold sweat and I can't breathe and I'm screaming and writhing in the bed because of a dream I have had, and you have to talk me down before I can sleep again?
Of course he remembers. Sometimes Magnus thinks the dreams are just as terrifying for him as they are for Alec. He doesn't even know what they're about, but they have to be pretty bad to scare someone as strong as he is.
And once I'm coherent enough I'll tell you it's nothing and you don't have to worry? I lie, every time I have that nightmare, I lie to you, and it is one of the most foolish things I have ever done. I shouldn't lie to you Magnus, I know, and I'm sorry, but I was just so afraid. So scared that you would think I am weak and you'd leave me. You deserve the truth, so here it is. Those nightmares are the worst dreams I have ever had. Being a Shadowhunter doesn't allow for bad dreams, you grow up learning how to kill all the monsters mundane children fear. You have no reason to be afraid. I've never had a dream like that, so I have never truly known what a nightmare it. But these dreams are worse than those of mundane children. They aren't about demons or monsters, they're about us. In them, I am always an old, old man, and you don't look a day older than you do now. You're beautiful, Magnus, striking and full of life, and I'm just some frail old man. We're sitting together, and I keep saying "I love you", but you won't look at me. You don't hear me, and you don't acknowledge me. It's like you don't even remember who I am. My voice seems to be just another sound in the white noise, and it does nothing to get your attention. And after we've sat there for a while I've started to beg and plead, but you still won't look at me, and then the wind blows and I just disappear. Like ashes floating away in the breeze, forgotten and alone. That's what I am without you, Magnus, lost. But you, you're strong and independent and you'll get up and continue on without me. You keep living life like I never existed. To me, in these dreams, that is the worst thing that could ever happen.
"Oh darling," Magnus murmured. The dreams were about them? About their future? His heart lurched at the thought. Had none of this happened he would have happily stayed with Alec for all his life, even while he was old and grey. He would love him no matter what.
Now back to the Seelie Court. You remember how I said the Queen put the attention on me? She made all of my nightmares, my greatest fears, come true. It was a glamour of course, and it made me look old. My hair turned grey and my skin started to wrinkle. I could feel myself aging, and the whole time all I could think about was what you would think. She taunted me. She told me you'd never want me looking like this. It scared the hell out of me.
That bitch. Magnus knew that there was no way for him to take the blame for Alec's actions off of him, but it made him angry to know that the Seelie Queen had taken a part in all of this. She had no right, it wasn't her place to screw around.
That's all it was. I was just scared. Scared of losing you, scared you would forget me, scared that all of our efforts, all that it took to finally be together, were for nothing. It was never that I didn't trust you. Because I do. Magnus, you are my closest confidant, my lover and a friend, someone I would always confide in because I know you'll listen. It is with you that I share my worries and my deepest secrets. Not Izzy. Not Jace. Only you. You mean the world to me. You are my world, and I hate to see it all fall apart.
The letter was tearing his already destroyed heart into shreds. Magnus didn't know if he could read any more. It hurt too much, but he needed to know everything Alec had to say. After all, he wouldn't have written it if he hadn't wanted Magnus to read it.
I was so foolish. It was wrong for me to even consider doing to you what Camille was offering. I would give anything, everything to have another try. At you, at us. But in life there are no do-overs. I guess I learned that when Max died. You can't get a second chance, but oh how I wish I could. I'll never stop loving you Magnus. It is clear to me that you don't want my love any longer, but I will give it to you anyway with the slightest hope that you will change your mind.
"Maybe I have…"
You are, and always will be, my only love. Every day I will miss hearing your voice, smelling your hair, feeling your arms around my waist and your lips sealed against mine. I'll miss your soothing whispers of comfort, your sarcasm and wit, your intelligence. Every day I will long to see you smile one more time and to know that it was because of me. I remember how brightly you smiled in that apartment building's lobby after we thought we defeated Lilith. You looked so happy. We were so happy then, we had so much love and joy and hope. Why can't we go back to that? It is a silly request, but I'll never go a day without thinking about what it would be like if you took me back.
"Neither will I…" Magnus wasn't even aware of the fact that he was talking to the letter. Talking like Alec could hear him. His words were soft and strangled by his sobbing, but he spoke them regardless. Alec needed to know. He deserved to.
I know you wanted me to gather all my things, but I can't bear to take any of them with me. It makes this all feel too permanent, too real. And even thought I will eventually have to come to terms with it, right now I just want to pretend, just for a little, that maybe I'm not really leaving. I left you all of our photographs together, the ones from our vacation.
In his refusal to acknowledge his surroundings last night, Magnus hadn't even noticed. Sure enough, upon glancing into the living room, all of their pictures were there. Their faces smiled back at him from atop the mantle. Magnus wanted to look away, to believe they were taunting him with the happiness they portrayed, but he could not bear to look away. Each and every one held a memory. A memory he would always cherish and never forget. The smile they brought to his face far from mirrored the one he wore in the photographs, instead it was full of regret and sadness. But it was a smile nonetheless, and he was thankful Alexander had left the pictures.
Hopefully, they will remind you of me, because the last thing I want is for you to forget me. Promise me, Magnus, that you won't forget what we had. Promise me you will always remember our love. It is too painful for me to bear the idea of you forgetting about me when I know I'll never forget you. There is one picture I took though. The one of us kissing under the Eiffel Tower, but it wasn't planned. Surely you remember it? You were holding the camora? Camera? Camero? Those mundane words are so confusing.
He couldn't help but chuckle at the shadowhunter's confusion. He was so adorable. The thought sent a sharp spike of longing through his heart, because he had lost that when he decided to end things.
Anyway, you had it stretched out in front of us and we were both smiling, but at the last second we both turned to kiss each other on the cheek, and our eyes went wide when we were met with lips instead. We laughed for a long time afterwards. The other tourists must have thought we were insane. I just think we were happy. But I promise that's the only photo I took. You can have the rest, as long as you'll look at them often and remind yourself of what we once were. I really thought you were it for me, Magnus. After I met you I could never imagine my future without you in it. Even if I could picture a life without you, I don't think I would have ever been able to guess how much it would hurt.
And now that he thought about it, he couldn't really picture a future without Alec either. And it was worse for him because a future without Alec meant an eternity without Alec. A dark, empty, bleak, loveless, eternity. The thought sent a shudder down his spine and made his tears spill faster and harder. The letter was coated with a new set of wet spots, his own tears merging with Alec's and smearing the ink even further.
I love you more than I thought I was capable of loving another.
"Me too, darling, me too."
Never forget that I love you. You may forget the time we spent together, how we met, why we broke up, why I ever made you happy in the first place, you may even forget why you loved me, but please, I'm begging you, never forget that a boy named Alexander Gideon Lightwood loves you.
It is nice to think that even though we are apart, I will always be your darling.
A sob unlike any other tore its way out of his throat, producing a pained, inhuman noise. Magnus stuffed his fist in his mouth to stop from shrieking again. It was just too much for him to bear. He could not imagine Alec ever not belonging to him, and yet he had gone and screwed that all up. Sure, he was angry, and yes, Alec had done something awful, but he loved him. He was his darling, his one and only love. All of this was wrong. He shouldn't be holding this god-awful letter, he should be holding his Alec. He shouldn't be sobbing uncontrollably, he should be smiling and happy and in love.
I'll never stop loving you,
Alec
Magnus' head fell to the table top once more as his body was overcome with the force of his tears. He had screwed everything up so badly. He needed to fix this. No, he had to fix it.
Quickly, he scrambled to his feet and rushed to his bedroom, tucking the tear-soaked letter under his arm. He set the paper on the nightstand before burrowing into the covers and closing his eyes. He needed to rest so his magic would be strong enough if he wanted to send Alexander a message in logos. So he dozed off, wrapped up in the residual warmth of his love's scent, and dreamt of what he would say to Alec.
A/N So obviously this isn't over. I actually think I'm going to write two more chapters. The next one will be Alec getting the message. And for CoolerThanArtThou, who requested happiness, I promise it will come in the fourth installment. I just felt like ending it here would have been too rushed. I suppose I could have tied up all the loose ends and ended it in two parts, but I wanted to draw it out a little more. Please bear with me! This should only have four parts to it, no more. I don't know how soon I can get the next one up, I'm pretty busy right now, but I'll try my best.
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