Chapter 2: Heartbreak and Broken Promises

Quinn got out of the taxi in front of the old brownstone in SoHo, and headed up the stairs. She knocked gently, and the door opened immediately.

Rachel Berry stood there in sweatpants, and her scarlet and gray Ohio State tee shirt looking concerned. She took in Quinn's puffy eyes, red nose, and splotchy face and immediately enveloped the blonde in a loving embrace.

Quinn clung to the brunette diva, and sobbed big, heaving, sobs into her friend's shoulder. The blonde didn't care about how she looked, or sounded. All she could think about was how devastated Santana looked, how shocked, how wounded. It hurt her deep inside to know she was the cause of that pain.

Rachel stood there gently rocking Quinn back and forth murmuring soft comforting words while kindly rubbing her back, "Shh Quinn, it's ok, really, it's all going to be ok, the hard part is over now, shh, it's ok, I'm here, I got you."

Rachel stood there patiently letting her friend just cry herself out. Quinn sniffed a few times and pulled back, wiping her eyes with both hands, "God, Rach, I made a total mess out of your favorite shirt!" Rachel shrugged, "it's washable and you are more important. Come on, let's go sit down, and I can make us some nice herbal tea, ok?"

Quinn sat down to wait, and Rachel returned a short while later with two steaming mugs of tea. Reaching for the tea Quinn asked, "How is Shannon, is she alright? She wasn't any trouble was she?"

Rachel giggled affectionately thinking about her little goddaughter, "She's fine, Quinn. She never even made a peep, let alone woke up. I checked on her twice while you were gone, and she is all wrapped up with her snuggle blankie, and Moose. She did have the comforter totally kicked off both times though, so I just tucked her little legs back under the covers, she never even stirred."

"Try sleeping with her! San used to say it was like sleeping with an octopus on crack!" Quinn smiled, then suddenly looked sad again, "San had no idea Rachel, I totally blindsided her. I really did think she was just denying everything, but honestly, she was completely clueless."

She cradled her mug in both hands close to her chest, "I really, really could have handled that better. I was just so afraid of cracking, you know, giving in and just staying. Especially when she started crying. I went right back to HBIC, and I was such a bitch Rachel. She is never going to forgive me!"

"Just give her some time Quinn, let her process things, you know how San is about emotional stuff."

Rachel set her mug down, and scooted over closer to Quinn, "you were gone a long time, I was starting to get worried that something bad happened, you know, maybe she got angry or something?"

"Well, she did get really angry at the end. She thought I was comparing her to Russell, but I was just saying that I wanted to live an authentic life, not my mother's phony life. She misunderstood what I was trying to say."

"Nothing happened right, I mean she didn't…" Rachel gently pried.

"Oh God no! She would never do anything like that!" Quinn looked directly into Rachel's eyes, "Santana Lopez is many things, but she has never been abusive, and she is an incredible mother. Shannon worships the ground she walks on, and Santana worships her right back."

Quinn blinked back the tears that had suddenly clouded her vision, "that is going to be the hardest part for both of them. Not living together anymore, or seeing each other every day, oh God Rachel, did I do the right thing?" Quinn put her head in her hands, and started crying softly. It hurt to think about the pain her little girl was going to have to go through.

Rachel placed her hand on Quinn's thigh, "You know I can't tell you that Quinn. I love Santana too but I do know that yes, as a parent, your child's welfare has to come first. But are you supposed to sacrifice any chance at personal happiness, just because you are someone's mother? I don't think it works that way hon."

"I know, and I have been so terrified of losing myself. Just the thought of becoming Judy Fabray was enough to scare the hell out of me. I have to tell you something Rachel, and you have to swear you will never, ever tell anyone. Do you swear?" Quinn begged suddenly looking desperate.

Rachel sat there for a moment deep in thought, "I want to swear, honest I do Quinn, but it really depends on what you tell me. If you told me you were hurting Shannon, or shooting heroin, or picking up sailors and bringing them home every night, I would have to say something, you know that right, you know I would have to because I love you!"

Quinn huffed out a frustrated laugh, "honest to God Rachel, you are still the most dramatic human being I have ever met in my life, shooting heroin, really?" The blonde just closed her eyes and shook her head, "it's not good but it's nothing like that, I promise."

"All right Quinn, but I reserve the right to tell someone if I think you are in danger. I swear I won't do it without checking with you first, ok?" Rachel said very seriously, as Quinn nodded her assent.

"After Shannon left for afternoon kindergarten, sometimes I …" Quinn stopped suddenly, "you know what, never mind, its nothing really."

The blonde tried to stand up as Rachel grabbed her forearm gently and pulled her back to the couch, "go on Quinn, after Shannon left for afternoon kindergarten, what?"

Quinn looked trapped and flushed a deep red, "sometimes I would drink, you know, alcohol" she said barely above a whisper.

Rachel leaned her head in closer so they were almost forehead to forehead, "I'm sorry Quinn, I didn't hear that. Can you repeat it please?"

Quinn jerked her head up, and raised her voice louder than was necessary, "I would drink Rachel, as soon as Shannon caught the bus. I would get drunk just to get through another afternoon, just so I could escape the feeling of the walls closing in around me, just so I could stop feeling trapped, and helpless, and useless, and lonely."

She stood up abruptly and started pacing around the living room with her arms crossed tightly across her chest, "I couldn't stand it anymore, the emptiness, the loneliness. I would swear I was not going to be my mother, and then the panic would become overwhelming. I couldn't breathe until I took a drink. Once I took the drink, I could relax and I wouldn't be so afraid. Until the next day, when Shannon would leave, and I was all alone in the house again, and the desperation would start all over again."

Quinn stopped and suddenly turned to face the brunette. who sat there looking shocked. She crossed the room, and knelt before her friend taking both of Rachel's hands in her own, "I had to get out Rachel, I was drowning, I was becoming my mother, I was this close to losing everything, my pride, myself, my integrity, my soul, Rachel, I was going to lose my soul." She rasped painfully, her eyes begging for understanding.

"Are you an alcoholic, Quinn?" Rachel asked sadly and softly.

"No, I am not an alcoholic, but I could be and I would be if I stayed." Quinn said with certainty, "Santana will never understand that, could never understand, she doesn't operate like that. She gets angry, and she is all bluster and bravado and starts swearing in Spanish but she gets it out and then it's over. I'm a Fabray, and we let everything eat us alive."

"I almost died inside after Beth, but you, and Santana, and Glee Club saved me. I have to save myself this time. I have to take control of my own life this time. I can't be married to Santana Lopez anymore. I don't love her like that anymore, and living a lie and trying to keep the marriage together for Shannon's sake, for Santana's sake was killing me!"

"Alright Quinn, it's alright, I won't say anything. But, I am going to be watching, and if I see signs you are becoming an alcoholic we are going to deal with it, do you understand? I love you and I love Shannon too much to watch you destroy yourself."

"Thank you Rachel, I'm not an alcoholic. I am going to be fine, you'll see, I promise," Quinn leaned forward and hugged Rachel tightly, grateful for the love and care she felt pouring from her friend, "I'm going to try and get some sleep now, Shan will be up bright and early, and I told Santana she could see Shannon tomorrow. Plus, I have to try to figure out what I am going to tell her about why her Mami and I won't be living together anymore."

"Don't think about that now Quinn or you will never get any sleep tonight!"

"God, what a mess this all is Rachel! Thank you for everything. I mean that, I know I don't deserve you, or your love, and friendship. I am so very grateful." Quinn said sincerely.

"Shush you, the past was over a very long time ago. We have been friends for far longer than any of that stupid high school nonsense! I told you I understood, and I forgave you a long time ago, so please; just let it go, ok?" She finished softly.

"Thanks Rach, I will never know what I did to deserve you, but I love you. Good night!" She leaned over, and placed a soft kiss on the singer's cheek.

"I love you too Quinn, I will see you, and my favorite goddaughter bright and early!" She waved cheerily over her shoulder as she headed down the hallway to her bedroom.

Quinn just groaned remembering what early birds her friend, and daughter actually were, "just make sure there's coffee available, please?"

She heard Rachel's beautiful musical laughter carry down the hallway.

Quinn stopped at the guestroom door. She carefully opened it, and peeked in at her sleeping daughter. She could hear the soft, steady, breathing as she quietly crossed the room to stand by the bed. From the soft glow of the nightlight, she could see her beautiful child peacefully sleeping on her side, hugging her Moose tightly to her chest.

Quinn placed her hand over her heart, as it took a little stutter beat as she panicked just a little. She loved this child so much, and was so afraid of destroying her life; of hurting her and making Shannon hate her, as she hated her own mother, "Maybe the Fabray's are cursed, maybe we can never be happy," Quinn thought melodramatically, "ugh, now I sound like Rachel."

Quinn bent down and smoothed the blonde curls off of her daughter's forehead, and placed a soft kiss on it, blinking back tears as she stared at her angelic little face. Quinn straightened the blankets and headed off to her own room. Stopping at the door, she looked back and whispered, "Good night baby, Mama loves you more than anything, and it will all be ok, I swear to you!"

Quinn pulled the door almost all the way closed, leaving it open just a crack. Shannon hated the door closed all the way, and Quinn was always afraid she might not hear Shannon in the night if the door was closed.

She stood there for just a moment, wondering why she was even considering going to bed. Quinn knew sleep was never going to happen for her tonight. She looked back towards the kitchen, "maybe a nightcap would help me get to sleep, and there is nothing wrong with one little drink."

Weighing her options, and shaking off a small lingering feeling of guilt, Quinn headed back towards the kitchen for her drink, dreading the next day and everything that had to be done.