Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.

A/N: Not sure if too many people are interested in this one but I'm going to continue anyway haha

It's turning out longer than I thought... I have a problem lol

Sins of the Past – Part 2

Previously

"Jay, please. I'm here…open up to me." I turn towards him pulling our joined hands into my lap.

"I don't know. You won't look at me the same…" Jay's blue eyes look haunted and scared. Worry lines crease his face and I bring my free hand up to smooth them.

"Trust me to. Do you want me to go first?" My hand moves to caress his cheek and he leans into it, his eyes closing briefly.

"You would do that?" His eyes open, seeking mine out searching for the strength to let me in.

"Of course." I whisper with a gentle smile.

"Okay… maybe not tonight. The nightmares would be too much."

"I'll stay with you… would that help?" My hands are both on his again.

"Yeah… the number of nightmares was less when we were together. And when I got them… I could wake up to you and instantly feel better knowing you were here."

"Then I'll stay." I whisper gently.

"You'd do that?" He tilts his head unsure.

"I'm right here."

"What about Hank's rule? You're living with him…"

"I'll deal with Hank, besides he's going to let me move back into my apartment. He trusts me." I smile over at Jay.

"Wow, that's huge." Jay smiles back, his blue eyes staring into mine.

"Yeah, I think he just wants his bathroom back but whatever." I shrug, happy to regain some freedom.

"Well you can do some serious damage in a bathroom." Jay's tone is full of amusement.

My mouth drops open before I punch him in the arm offended.

"What? I just meant you're messy. Like you're a messy person. God." I roll my eyes at Jay and a smile plays on his handsome face.

"But seriously this is good… I was worried I'd lost you forever." His tone is serious and speaks right to me.

"I was lucky… I had you to come back to." Our stare is intense.

"Are we going to talk about what you just confessed?" Jay finally asks.

"I don't know, are we? Why don't you wait until you hear everything about me and then decide if you still want to talk about it?" I raise my shoulders in a shrug.

"Only if we wait until you know all about me too… you might not want to say it again when you find some things out." Jay's face is calm and collected but his worried blue eyes tell a different story.

"Impossible. I know the kind of man you are. My feelings for you won't change." My eyes convey the promise in my words.

"We'll see." It's his turn to shrug.

"They won't… I guess I'll start." Jay nods at me slowly before I take a deep breath.

"Bunny was married a few times… even more boyfriends. Hardly ever alone… but always with drugs and alcohol. The days she forgot I existed were the better ones… she didn't know how to pick guys. Most were abusive… but some were nice. She managed to con the nice guys… but when they found out we would move again. Some just… paid me too much attention. Those were worse than the ones who raised a hand to me…"

Jay pulls me into his side, holding me tight.

"I want all of their names…" His tone is serious and lethal and I close my eyes briefly.

"Jay." My whisper is so quiet I'm surprised he hears me.

"I'm so sorry Erin, you don't deserve that. No one does. Bunny just stood by?"

"Most of the time she was too high to notice… or care." I shrug.

"You're so strong, I've always known you were but to go through everything you have… and be this amazing woman – it's remarkable." The hand not wrapped around me grabs my hand and they rest in his lap.

"I use to promise myself I would never depend on a man… never love one. Because I saw what that did… I didn't need that. I'd date, but nothing serious. Then I met you… I didn't know there were guys like you out there. So good and kind… and respectful. Treat women as their equal."

"Well I'm glad I met you, you changed my life. I'm lucky you let me in…" Jay kisses my forehead.

"I found Bunny OD'd once…I was always covering for her so I didn't call 911. I'd be taken away… somehow I got her in the bath, filled it with ice and I just prayed. When she woke up I was relieved for a split second, but then she looked at me… and asked for her cigarettes. Then I wished she didn't make it… maybe foster care would have been better. Does that make me terrible?" I swallow the lump in my throat as I await his answer.

"No. You're mother isn't worth your time."

"When I was fourteen we were evicted and stayed at a women's shelter for a few months… the woman who ran it was so kind. She cared for me… made sure I was okay. Then one day I get home from school to find out Bunny had bailed, if I stayed they would have to call child services so I left. I was a street kid… but then, it was winter and I was cold and hungry… I ran into Annie. She invited me to stay with her… that's when I met Charlie."

I look down at our entwined hands as he gives me a reassuring squeeze.

"I never wanted to do drugs, saw what they did. Charlie was always pressuring me, and he kept me warm and fed. After some time I started believing he loved me, that I loved him. Looking back, I didn't. Not even close, but when I was just fifteen? Yeah, felt real. He started making me do things I wasn't comfortable with… first with him… then with others. That's when I gave into the drugs, to be able to live with myself. I was disgusted."

I can feel Jay's head shaking against mine as he holds me tighter.

"He was an adult Erin, he took advantage of you. He got off easy as far as I'm concerned."

"I hate that part of my life Jay." I whisper, my voice broken.

"I know baby." I turn my head into his neck, my hand grasping at his shirt, his hand turning to caress my thigh.

"You did what you had to do, to survive. You got through it; I wish I knew you then Erin. Could have saved you from that life…"

"You have me now." He places another kiss on my head.

"I met Hank and became his CI… he took a liking to me. One day he offered me a way out, to get clean and have the life I wanted. I tried it with Bunny again when she turned back up… of course that didn't work out. So I moved in with Hank. Camille was so welcoming, she already had Justin and here I was causing her more trouble. I worked hard in school, didn't get into any fights and got to experience a family. Camille made me realize mothers should be kind and selfless… she was so warm and loving. When we lost her to cancer it was hard, but I had Hank. I had been clean for fifteen years when I met Nadia… she reminded me of myself. Losing her, blaming myself… getting mixed up with my mum again. I slipped, for the first time in fifteen years. I don't want that again…"

"You won't. I'm here for you… anytime of the day or night. If you do slip again, I'll still be here. Come to me, I won't judge you or turn my back on you Erin."

"Thank you." My hazel eyes are looking into his blue eyes, my lips aching to touch his.

"Okay… my turn." Jay sounds unsure as he releases a sigh.

"I'd like that, but no pressure Jay. I'm here either way."

"No… I want to. Will was always the golden child, he wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to serve my country… mum was proud though. But scared, she was always worried about me. When I deployed Will said I was abandoning my family… leaving them. He went off to New York during my first tour, partied it up. Dad was just so proud he was in med school; mum and dad always had a strained relationship. My dad is… demanding and demeaning. Doesn't believe women should have equal rights…" Jay trails off, presumably thinking of his mother.

"I notice you never speak about your father." I pry gently.

"I haven't seen him since… before I deployed for my second tour. When I came back from my first, I felt guilt. For the men and women who didn't return home… and because I was willing and able to fight. I should have been there… I couldn't wait to deploy again. I closed my eyes and I saw the devastation over there… the coffins of soldiers. There wasn't a day without a firefight, I've been to too many funerals, had to look into the eyes of too many family members experiencing loss. I wasn't the same and my family saw that, dad tried to get me to stay and 'do something worthy'. Like what I was doing wasn't…"

Jay takes a few moments to compose himself.

"The second tour… my confirmed kills were doubled. Most kills don't keep me up at night, they were justified… I did it so others didn't have to. But some do…we had intel on a high value target, been tracking him for months. I was in sniper position when I saw him… with his young son. I took the shot… killed him in front of his own child. I struggled with that, still close my eyes and replay the sons reaction in my head… leaning over the body of his father…" Tears slip down his cheeks, his face showing pain and anguish.

"Jay. I'm so sorry." I bring him closer, wishing I could help.

"Those who served with you wouldn't want your guilt Jay, they would have wanted you living your life… share the burden with me. Share the guilt, let me help you carry this." My hand rests of his chest gently.

"One day a member of our unit was taken, we knew by who. We were after this terrorist. Mouse and I and the rest of the team worked overtime tracking him down… we tortured people and we did things I'm not proud of. We finally got his location and we kicked the door down. It was chaos in there… bad intel and so many women and children. We were yelling for them to get down, trying to keep our eyes on those with guns so we could clear the building… I saw a gun raise out of the corner of my eye, I didn't hesitate. I turned and fired… our lives over theirs right?" Jay's got tears in his eyes, his lip quivering; I turn my body to face him.

"It was a boy, Erin. He was only thirteen… I froze when he hit the ground. I ran over to him and tried to stop the bleeding, his mother screaming at me. We got our guy back along with others who had been there for months but… I killed a kid. How do I live with that? Mouse tried telling me that he was going to kill me… kill us all. I saved them but I have to live with that. Everyday. When we get a case with a kid, I see him there and I think… I'm no better. It's why I work harder on those cases, trying to make up for it somehow." I can feel Jay's body pulling away so I hold him tighter, not letting him escape my hold.

"Jay, you did what you had to do. I'm so sorry you had to be the one, but he was going to shoot you. You saved your unit and you saved those who were captured… you reunited them with their families. You came home… you came into my life. Talk to me whenever you can't stop thinking about this day, or any memory." I place a kiss on his jaw before reaching up to wipe some tears away.

"I wasn't right after that, was going to sign on again. Mouse dragged me home… he was there for me when no one else was. Mum told me about her cancer when I got back, the Doctors couldn't do anything. Dad bailed… Will was in New York. So I only had Mouse to lean on. For mum, I tried to act normal… hold myself together. I didn't want her to die seeing the man I'd become…" Jay's struggling and bows his head.

"She would have been proud of you Jay. You risked your life for your country… what you went through, you did it so no one else had to. She would not have looked at you differently. You're a good man. The best I've ever met." My eyes are begging Jay to believe my words.

"When she died, Mouse helped me with the funeral and then I fell apart. He was there for me, eventually I could function. I needed another purpose and I needed to feel useful. Like I was doing something good… I became a cop."

"And a damn fine one at that Jay. You do save lives, you protect this city and you ensure justice is served. You are the most moral cop I know and I am proud to have you as a partner." Jay tears turn to sobs and he brings a hand up to cover his face, the sins of his past catching up with him and taking their toll.

"Jay." I whisper as I bring his head into my neck, stroking his hair and letting him cry.

"It's okay. Let it out. I'm right here… you're okay." I place a kiss on his forehead and continue to hold him as his sobs ebb away.

A/N: Yes, some of those lines are from episode 4...

The Linstead reunion is happening next chapter ;)

Review :)