fuck you too, mr. wallet

The first time Kakuzu murdered his partner, it surprised the both of them. For a set of completely different reasons, of course. It surprised the zealot because that's what Kakuzu's detachable arms were designed to do to their victims; and it surprised Kakuzu because it happened approximately two days and twenty-three hours into their partnership. Two days and twenty-three hours was a lot of time.

Kakuzu had found himself overlooking a number of slights in the past two days. One hundred and seven, if one was to be precise. From the man's crude vocabulary to his peculiar fondness of making corpses unrecognizable to the cutthroats offering the bounty, the fanatic's faults appeared to be as many as his heathen prayers. Seventy-eight and a half, to be exact. The last one got interrupted so the pagan could kill a man. The act was apparently holier than any prayer.

In any event, many of Kakuzu's former partners had died for far less. It was true what they said, he supposed: with age came patience.

So when an insignificant remark about Kakuzu's briefcase opening more often than his mouth was thrown casually into a conversation, a logical if somewhat sudden sequence of events took place. Next thing anyone knew, Hidan was yelling and Kakuzu was grunting. One had a three-ribbed scythe hacked through the shoulder from the blunt end, and the other had his head shoved remorselessly to the ground. Facing its own spine, needless to say.

Pein isn't going to like hearing about this.

Pulling the dead man's weapon out of his flesh, Kakuzu flexed the torn muscle. His dark threads gathered to service the injury. And then, something writhed on the ground like a bad aftertaste:

"Whoa. You're really all business, aren't ya? Fuck me that hurts! You're a real freak, you know that?! Killed me over a friggin' briefcase. Ugh. What a day. Been a whole lotta time since a bastard got me this good. It's gonna leave a scar for sure. I dedicate this one to you, oh almighty Jashin-sama!" Suddenly, the man began to laugh hysterically. More hysterically than usual, that is. How he managed it with his larynx curled like a corkscrew, Kakuzu did not know. "Look at us, damn it. What are we, playing Twister? Get off me, ya cunt. Come on. Help me up unless you're dying to carry me."

The prospect of carrying a corpse had never particularly bothered Kakuzu. Never, until now. Then again, this specific corpse was undeniably more chatty than most.

That's how necessity taught Kakuzu of the Hidden Waterfall to efficiently piece his partner back together. A useful skill, considering Hidan's lust for getting on the wrong end of dismemberment.


Second time Kakuzu made use of that skill, it really didn't surprise either of them.

They were fresh off their hunt for the Two-Tails when his partner chose to make his most ridiculous suggestion to date.

"We are not extracting the Bijū for ourselves," Kakuzu cut short the insanity.

"'Course we ain't," the pagan buzzed, using the snatch of his red scythe to nudge the body of the woman they'd vanquished. It hung suspended on what was left of a wall like some martyr in crucifixion. Jiggled lifelessly to the push, pouring enough blood for Kakuzu to worry it may not make the trip to the lair if they stalled too much. "Jeez. We're extracting it for me. Ain't ya curious what would happen? Bet ya a fortune I'd make a killer jinjuriki."

"You don't have a fortune," Kakuzu pointed out the obvious.

"Well fuck you too, Mr. Wallet," the zealot hollered. "Unless you're somehow ripping the Akatsuki off, which I gotta say would be pretty damn typical for you, you ain't got no fortune, either. Come on… Don't you ever wonder what they do with all that chakra? Bet you they're not building a snowman… Only it'd be a chakra-man! Oh man that's funny… Charka-man… So, you in or what? Let's cut the bitch open, see if the Bijū's hiding up her—"

And then Hidan got his neck snapped by Kakuzu's flying hand for the second time. Four days and sixteen hours into their strange partnership.

...Four and a half days in.

Kakuzu hummed softly to himself. He was growing more patient with his coworkers these days indeed.