Chapter 2

"Beverly," Riker said, walking into her office and sitting down in the chair across from her desk. "Is everything okay with Deanna?"
Dr. Beverly Crusher sighed loudly as she pushed the computer padd she had been studying away from her and looked up at him.
"Hello, Commander. Good to see you. Something I can help you with today?" She said in part playful frustration, part true exhaustion.
The last few weeks were beginning to take their toll. As one of Deanna's closest friends she had picked up on the slight hints of coolness toward Riker. how she had avoided most of the social gatherings with the senior staff, and was spending time in her quarters when not on duty. Beverly knew for most other officers the way Deanna Troi had been behaving would have registered as insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But with the Betazoid it seemed at times with the slightest movements or the briefest words the woman was screaming, especially when it came to her relationship with Will Riker. She and Deanna had spent some time talking a few days before and Beverly wasn't surprised at all to find the commander walking into her sickbay. He actually did spend a lot of time there, just not usually walking in of his on accord.
"Hi, Bev," the commander began again, "Good to see you." He said with a smile. He scratched at his beard waiting on a slight pause..
"Continue." She said with a small laugh.
"I'm worried about Deanna. She's been acting kind of strange lately. Do you think everything is okay with her?"
"Deanna, acting strange," she repeated, bending one of her legs up in the chair with her and leaning her head back. Blue eyes meeting blue eyes. "Now that's not like her at all." Riker shook his head trying to hide his grin at the doctor's gentle ribbing of the Enterprise's counselor. A straight answer was not going to be easy to come by, not with Crusher and not today – but he could see that glint she got in her eyes. Beverly knew what was going on with Deanna and it was up to him to play the game..
"She talked to you." He exhaled. Beverly nodded.
"And I think Deanna has every right to not be okay Will. Not that she would ever saying anything, but if I were her -"
"Which you're not ..." he interjected.
"If I were her," she continued, "I would be a little discouraged by the fact that she was the only one of us that wanted to stop this pretend war we were supposedly fighting while we were all running the ship with no memories, the only one who had the good sense to contact Starfleet and get confirmation of our orders and if the Captain or any of us for that matter would have backed her up that Lysian ship would still be intact and those innocent people would still be alive."
"We were misled Beverly. We were given amnesia, the information in the computer was tampered with …" Will countered.
The doctor leaned forward, towards him and said softly, "But isn't that her job Will. To advise the captain. Isn't that what she does best, observing situations and people – being hyper aware of what is going around her. Someone should have respected her enough to at least hear her out." Beverly's voice held no anger but it was tinted with some sort of hurt for her friend.
"She's still upset about what happened?" Riker asked. Crusher raised an eyebrow, knowing that question could apply to more than just the mission they'd been sent on a few weeks back, but also what had happened between Will and Deanna personally while all of their memories were gone.
"I said if it were me. None of us are 100 percent back from that situation Commander. I've been restoring crewman's memories listening to stories of the things that happened while they couldn't remember who they were – sending them to Deanna … you've been sleeping with people that you barely tolerate ..." she finished without wiping the sly grin from her face, she pushed a lock of red hair from her face and waited for Riker's reaction.
"I'd rather not rehash that with you, doc." He said to her. "That's a memory you could have just erased while you were reinstating my old memories."
"I'm not magic, Will. I don't have time to wash away every dumb thing you do." She said standing up and walking over to sit in the seat next to him. She slapped him playfully on the arm.
"True."
"Have you talked to her about it Will?" She asked, finally serious.
Well, if you still confused tomorrow, you know where my office is … He could hear Deanna's voice echoing in his ears.
"About Ensign Ro and me?"
"About what she was going through during this whole ordeal?" He shook his head.
"No. She confided in me, she reached out … And I couldn't keep my libido in check."
"She's used to that." Beverly said with a laugh. He looked up at her.
"I guess I have no right to expect her to come to me now. This is … this is what has her being so distant though?"
"I think it's playing into the decisions she's making a little more than even she realizes – And I would be so hard on yourself … none of us are as self- aware as Deanna with or without or memories."
"Decisions?" He asked, his anxiety level rose a bit and he wasn't quite sure why.
Beverly looked down at her hands and then back up at the first officer. "She's thinking about leaving the ship, Will. Deanna wants to go home."

Before that day Will Riker couldn't remember many times aboard ship when he had wanted to get to Deanna faster. But as he half walked, half ran down the corridor he was thinking furiously within his head. Go home? That's all she wanted? To go home to Betazed and have her Mother breathing down her neck, asking her when she was going to get married? When would Deanna be giving her grandchildren? Trying to control her life … Hadn't they just gone through this last year when she'd lost her empathic sense? Why would she want to leave her family on the Enterprise?
Riker was still lost in his thoughts as he plowed through Deanna's door, it took him a moment to get his barrings. He took a breath and glanced around her quarters. Deanna was sitting on her couch reading a book, their were candles lit around the room, a mug in front of her on the table – hot chocolate if he had to guess. She was calm.
"What the hell is going on here Deanna?" The words were not angry but they were accusing. The counselor slowly reached over to the table, lifting up a bookmark, and slipping it in its place, while gently closing the book. She looked up at him.
"Maybe you should answer first Commander? You are the one who just burst through the doors to my quarters – seems a great deal more exciting than what the hell was going on in here." Her voice was even, irritatingly so, but just like always it evened out what he was feeling – she was soothing – well most of the time.
"You were going to leave without even discussing it with me first?"
"Beverly," she responded, underneath her breath.
He nodded. "Is this about what happened between Ro and me Deanna because I didn't know ..."
"No, Will. Everything is not about you." The frustration in her voice building. "You think I would leave the Enterprise because you were with another woman. Please commander … I would have resigned long ago."
"Ouch." He said, though he knew he had no room to argue.
"Will you please just sit down?" He did but not beside her, Riker seated himself in the chair next to the couch.
"Talk to me, Dee. Is this what you want to go home and get trapped into that world your mother would love to see you in … a pretentious diplomat?"
"It isn't like that." She said, not quite meeting his gaze.
"Then what is it like Counselor," he asked, trying to remind her of the role she'd be giving up.
"Can I speak, Commander?" So he held his tongue and let her explain.
"I was offered a position at on Betazed. Head over the crisis counseling department at a most distinguished institution near my family's home at Lake Elnar. I would be working with a lot of people who have come off of long and intense tours onboard starships, officers that have dealt with war, been in hostage situations. All different species, different circumstances … and I would be lecturing a few days a month at the University. It's an amazing opportunity and to go back to the University to teach – among so many highly – skilled telepaths. Well, it would be very vindicating."
"And your mother?" He asked quietly, a glimpse of defeat sneaking in … it did sound like an amazing opportunity for her. Who was he to tell her not to go?
"Imzadi." She could tell his mind was wondering, she didn't quite intend for that endearment to come from her mouth though. "She doesn't know. I – I thought it best to not involve her until I knew what I would do."
"How long have you known?"
"Almost three weeks," She answered. Right before their encounter with the Lysians. He finally understood what Beverly had been trying to tell him.
He reached out for her hand and she relaxed into his, he grasped her fingers tightly as if to will her not to leave him. "You knew about this before we lost are memories?" She stood up, looking out at the stars and he let her hand fall from his.
"Yes. The day of actually … the contacted me that morning." She said without turning back.
"How long until you have to let them know something?"
"Couple of days." He heard her voice thickly accented in spots that he hadn't noticed when he first arrived, before he knew. He just want to shake her, what was she feeling – why did she have to keep everything so in check?
"Oh. It sounds like a very challenging and yet rewarding position Deanna. You are amazing at what you do … it's just -"
"Just what?" She asked him, half facing his direction, she wanted to see him.
"You could leave Starfleet? You've worked really hard to make a life and a career here on the Enterprise. You're the ship's counselor on the flag ship of the Federation, your friends are here – wait a minute … does the Captain know you may be leaving."
"He knows that I've been offered the position."
"How long Dee?" He asked, feeling a bit betrayed whether he had any right to or not.
"About a week."
"Dammit, Deanna." His voice rose and he could see her jump slightly, though she tried to cover it. "Why didn't you come to me?"
The counselor ignored the question. "I'm not exactly friendly with Starfleet these days, I suppose."
"What?"
"You asked if I could leave Starfleet."
"The captain values your counsel Deanna, you must know that." He said to her gently.
"Not when it counts Will, not when it's life or death … not when it could have saved innocent lives. We just apologize as if that justifies destroying that ship." She was wounded and though the bruises were not visible to the naked eye, right now they were radiating.
"Deanna we were the victims of ..."
"Were we Will? Were we the victims?" She asked him and he remembered every time she had come to him telling him how the war didn't feel right to her … and he had, what? Shown her his trombone?
"I'm so sorry Deanna … I should have listened." She shook her head when all he wanted her to do was scream … let it out.
"He couldn't have to confidence he has in me now, because the background wasn't there … the support, the counsel, the decisions I've helped him make over the past 5 years – it wasn't there for him to draw on." And so she gave Picard the benefit of the doubt.
"No, Deanna. The senior staff works as a team and if you were good enough to be posted to the Enterprise as its counselor then, he should have consider it."
"It was an uneasy situation, Will."
"It isn't the first time it's happened."
"No, it's not," she admitted. "Captain's prerogative."
She turned back to the view port and he eased up behind her, in almost a whisper he said, "I need you to scream Deanna. I need you to yell. I need you to give yourself permission to say I was right and those people would be alive now, if someone would have listened to me."
"You want me to yell," she said, her voice intensifying. "You want to hear me scream. Then point me to a mirror Riker because I need to be angry at myself for some things. I want to go hoarse from verbalizing the way I have been living … because I'm pretty sure I'm turning back into that girl you met on Betazed, but it isn't because of my Mother this time."
Will wasn't quite sure where she was going with this, but he would let her go.
"I lost my memories. I had no idea of who Deanna Troi was, where she came from. I wasn't sure what was going on inside of me … no awareness I was empathic. I just knew I could feel the feelings of the others more strongly. I knew nothing. Not my name, nor my career title. I didn't know where I was, this ship – what Starfleet was, the only thing I could remember was you." Her voice had calmed into a surreal sadness part way through what she was saying and his heart sunk. "They took everything and I still knew you. Do you know how much I l ..." She clamped her mouth close, she wouldn't turn to face him.
"How much you love me Deanna?"
"Shut – UP Will!" There was the anger.
"I was safe to you. A sort of security blanket that you could grab on to and the only thing you could remember and what did I do?"
"You chose someone else. Like you always have … you knew, YOU KNEW. There was a history there … you read the note I wrote in that Keats book. There had undeniably been something there and what did you do? You kept me at arms length, Will. You reached in to kiss me and you did what you always do – no emotions, no connection … just to instant gratification. How could you ever tire from the women who bow down to the god that is William T. Riker." He knew that she would be expecting him to stop her and she was walking a thin line, but he just couldn't – he wouldn't deprive her of this.
"It isn't just Laren. It's any that comes on board that you can infatuate with that twinkle in your eyes! We kiss in friendship on cheeks, shore leaves – after poker games, at times we fall into something more passionate. But you always chose someone else … why is that? I have relationships, you have relation – ships. We toss around the word Imzadi, without ever fully realizing it's meaning. They erased my entire identity and ALL I could remember was you. Will,don't you understand?" She quieted momentarily her eyes welling with unshed tears, she leaned back against the wall and let herself slide down to the floor. "I worked hard to be independent and strong, to never let anyone control me the way my mother did when we first met, Will. I finished my psychology degree at the top of my class, scored in the top 5 percent on my entrance exam to Starfleet, graduated a year early and was posted to the Enterprise. But it's come back to this …" She said defeat evident in her voice. "My love for you … I recognized my love for you more palpably than being able to identify myself." He'd begun to cry though she couldn't quite see his face from her seat on the floor. Then he stepped into view.
"Deanna," he said not bothering to wipe away the tears flowing down his cheeks.
"Don't do this ..." She whispered. "Please ..."
"Deanna do you know why I stay detached from all these women. Fleeting relationships … passionate affairs – no commitment. Never sharing too much of who I am with them. Because I cannot be with the woman that I love. You taught me how to hinge the spiritual with the physical, connection and meaning was so important to you when we met on Betazed. I know that it still is … I only want that with you Dee. You taught me to really be a man when I was stationed at the Embassy … why would you think I would want to be that man for anyone other woman than you. But I don't deserve you. I broke your heart then. I didn't marry you like I promised. I indulged in our friendship but didn't allow you into my bed. I wanted to be with you the moment I saw you come down that ramp toward the Captain and I at Farpoint. And later when you said that we couldn't be together while I the same ship. I respected that, because it was safe … because God knows I couldn't bear to hurt you again. Do I understand how much you love me Deanna? I thought I did. But after we regained our memories I was sitting in my quarters and replaying the days prior in my head and I knew that you loved me deeper than I could have imagined. I've never been loved like that … never, but once again I felt guilty because I knew I had again chosen someone else … no matter the excuse Dee.
Deanna was crying hard, her knees pulled close to her chest and he wanted to go to her but he knew she wouldn't let him touch her yet. And so he knelt down beside her.
"Imzadi," she struggled against the word but he wouldn't take it back. Do you want to know how much I love you? Because I don't think that your love for me makes you weak or any less independent than this gorgeous woman you've become. But if you want to leave I will let you go … because you've never tried to keep me from leaving when I've had the chance."
"But you're still here." She managed through her tears.
"Why is that?" Was he asking her? She answered.
"You enjoy serving under Captain Picard. You're learning from one of the best."
He bypassed her answer. "I have been offered command, after command, after command. Starting from the 2nd year I was assigned to the Enterprise. Was I afraid to move from under Picard's wings? Hell, no … Deanna. I've been ready to be a Captain since the day you met me. No one … no one had the ambition and drive that I had when you met me on Betazed. I wanted to beat Kirk's record. Dammit, I had the chance more than one time. Yes, I've learned a lot from Picard but it's been six years … I'm finished learning.
"Then why?" He heard her sniffle – tainted voice inside his mind.
"Why? I will not leave you behind Deanna. Not again. You can go. We can go together. But I will not be without you. The biggest goal of my life, I dreamed of it since I was a little boy trying to get out of my Father's house. More than 5 commands I've been offered since we've served together. You've never asked me to stay, because you knew that was what I wanted … Do you understand now how much I love you?

She had stayed. Riker would never forget that night. It seemed that losing their memories had somehow helped them remember what they meant to each other and the ways they had been lying to themselves. He'd kissed every tear from her face and when he reached her lips, she just seemed to melt completely against him. Never – not even when they were kids on Betazed had him remembered being with her in such an intimate way. But on the day they realized that nothing in their lives was more important than how deeply they loved each other … he had lay her gently on the bed in her cabin. Lit candles all around the room, showered the petals of her favorite flower over her naked body as she lye there beautiful, glowing and completely safe with him. And Will made love to her in a reverence and an awe that he had never felt for anyone. As if he was touching something that could cost him everything, but her tender body and the love she held within her for him …. was something he could live on for ever. Each kiss, each breath, each exploration was a gift to her. He would never choose anyone over her again … she believed he deserved her and that was enough for him to commit to the love he felt for her.
Deanna didn't take the job on Betazed, but it seemed the crisis counseling on this ship was now causing her to begin to unravel. He sat on the couch in her cabin waiting for her to get into her robe so that he could draw her a bath. He remembered that day more often than most men would care to admit. The day that brought them back together. But as the months went on her waining trust of him once again got the best of her. That sliver of a spot that carried her doubt … and then they found out – they were still together, but it was different somehow. "Imzadi, love … are you ready?" Will heard a weary "yes" slip into his thoughts. He knew she was exhausted so spent. He opened up his tote from the mission and pulled out the lavender bath salts he'd gotten for her on Xenaldi IV. He led her into the bathroom, sitting her down on the chair next to the antique dressing table her mother had sent her from Earth. It belonged to her father's mother and it fit Deanna perfectly.
She had an antique claw foot tub that sat in the center of the room as well.. As far as he knew the only one on board, but she had requested it when she came onto the ship and he guessed no one would deny a bubble bath and relaxation to the woman who's job it was to keep everyone else on the ship at peace. Will poured in the bath salts and watched as the steaming water bubbled up. "Did you bring those back for me from your mission?" She said trying to muscle up a smile. Success.
He smiled leaning over to kiss her lips. "I thought you would like them. They're lavender. Maybe this will help your body relax, help you sleep."
"Mmm," She managed the closest thing to acknowledgement she could muster, though she doubted anything could help her rest. She stood then swaying slightly, but she steady herself on the edge of the table. He walked over and gently pulled her against him. Pushing her head to his shoulder as he slipped the robe from her body.
"It's okay Deanna. I'm here now and I'm going to help you. You're not going through this alone." She nodded her head and let him help her step into the tub, she sank down into the bubble and leaned her long neck against the cool curve of the bath.
"Thank you, Imzadi." She said … her eyes still red a puffy, the hitches in her breathing slowing a bit. He bent down giving her a long sweet kiss. Such soft lips, it always amazed him.
"Relax, okay. I'm going to go get some things from my quarters and unload the pack I took with me. Then I'll come back and help you dry your hair and get dressed for bed."
"Will, are you staying here tonight?" she asked in a voice that beneath its maturity held the quivering lips of a little girl.
"Unless you need to be alone." He would understand if she still felt to raw for him to see, but he wouldn't like it.
"N – no, I need you here with me."
"I'll be back as soon as I can," he told her, kissing the palm of her hand … he waited until she relaxed enough for her eyelids to fall shut and then he headed next store to get his stuff and to get some answers.