Phil and I had a fantastic night just watching movies, and eventually he fell asleep and cuddled up against my side. It was around two in the morning when I finally decided I should wake him, considering I felt a little creepy just watching him sleep. He just looked so… well, beautiful. I led him into his room, and every bone in my body wanted to lean forward and kiss him good night, but my logical side held me back. I then returned to my room, and proceeded to lie in my bed for over an hour now with thoughts swimming through my head. At first joyful thoughts about Phil, youtube, and the fans, but I eventually drifted into my darker thoughts, the thoughts I can't share with anyone. About how I don't even deserve to have Phil, or how I don't even deserve to live anymore. And thoughts like that never lead to the best of actions.


I drifted out of my room and down toward the kitchen, where Phil was rinsing out his empty cereal bowl.

"Well, good morning sleepy head, didn't know if you were ever going to get up." I looked to the clock on the stove, almost one in the afternoon, oops.

"Yeah, I was up kind of late last night. We have any Wheaties left?" I head over to the portion of counter space where we keep our boxes of cereal.

"Over half a box, we got them yesterday. I don't think either of us can consume cereal that fast." He smiled at me and went back to his laptop, checking his twitter replies from the looks of it. I make myself a bowl of cereal and head to the other sofa, attempting to multitask with my cereal as well as turning on my laptop. I decided to check my Tumblr tag, half of it filled with posts about 'Phan.' I ignore it as usual, because it only upsets me. It doesn't really irritate me or anything, I just hate that so many people want it to happen, while the one person who can actually make it happen doesn't want anything more than a friendship. By now I've finished up my cereal, and I notice Phil giggle.

"What's so funny?" I turn my attention to Phil, who's focused on the computer screen.

"I just opened a fanfiction about us that someone sent me a link to, let me just say these people have got some wild imaginations. We're Pokemon trainers in this one, and I'm only a paragraph in and it's already getting pretty steamy." He giggled again, his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth.

"Yeah, sounds pretty ridiculous." I spoke, smiling at him. I guess I looked a little off because he took one look at me, closed his laptop, and came over to sit next to me on the sofa.

"Is something wrong?" He looked at me, and I could hardly keep the eye contact. You could tell him Dan. You could tell him right now that you love him, don't think of the consequences.

"Oh, no, nothing. I'm cool." I'm such a chicken, why couldn't I just say it.

"Hey," I could have sworn I heard his voice falter, "What do you think of our friendship?" He spoke, and I looked to him for any sort of emotion in his face, but I couldn't find any. What did he mean? What kind of answer was he even looking for?

"It's awesome, I mean you're the best friend that I've ever had so, yeah. Why?" Still, nothing. How could he hide his emotions so well when I couldn't?

"Do you ever really think about us as you know… more than just friends?" What. Could Phil, Phil Lester, the only person I've ever fallen in love with feel the same way as I do? Of course not, he's got to just be messing with me or something.

"I don't know, why?" Keep your answers vague Dan, at least until you found out what he is really feeling.

"Oh yeah, no reason really. I was just curious. I'm going to go take a shower." He patted my leg and stood up, rushing out of the room. What had just happened? Phil might actually feel the same way and I completely screwed it up. I should have just been honest with him, because he might actually feel the same way. But no, I never have the guts to say anything. I sat up from the sofa, and then went to my room, with the door shut and locked behind me. I climbed into bed, wrapping myself in the comforter. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the mornings? Oh yeah, for Phil. Everything I do is for Phil. I know it'd hurt him if I were to just end it one day… so I keep going. For Phil.


"I'm going to wash my sheets, want me to wash yours with them?" He walked into my room with a white laundry basket. Phil was such a sweet and courteous boy, no wonder everyone liked him so much.

"Oh sure, thanks." I turned and smiled at him. He removed my comforter and started to pull the sheets off the bed when I saw him pause. Oh shit.

"Dan, why are there blood spots on your sheets?" He looked so worried, and I could feel my eyes grow wide, I bet I looked terrified. I was.

"Uh- nose bleed. I had a really bad nose bleed last night, that's why I was up so late." My words were filled with guilt, I hated being dishonest to the one person I loved. But this was for his own good as well as mine, right? He wouldn't take his eyes off me. He knew I was lying, I think the stare was to try and break me down, to pull the truth from me. But I wouldn't budge. He eventually turned back to the sheets.

"Okay… but wouldn't that be more on or near your pillow? I somehow doubt blood from your nose would be this close to the bottom of the bed." For the love of God, can Phil stop playing detective? I didn't say a word, just looked at him. He looked so disappointed. He proceeded to remove the sheets, and walked out of the room without a word.